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Weve had alot of issues with my grandma within the last 3 years since my grandad died but shes pushed over the line this time. Over new year my mother had abuse over the phone with her shouting at her for not going to see her nye telling my mother were a bad family wishing our spouses dead! For the past 3 weeks shes been accusing my 10 year old son for stealing her biscuits which he has not done and wont let up about it. Yesterday she was harping on about it yet again and I blew at her, even my mum had words with her not to be accusing people if she still wants us to visit 3 times a week even though Im just a grandaughter with two dependants and a job! My grandmother rang my mum this morning to shout at her over 'biscuitgate' and bought up when I, 17 years ago stole something of hers which I was punished and repaid my mistake. Is she incuring that what I did at 14 makes my son a biscuit theif!!! My mum got angry and put the phone down on her and she then recieved a nasty voicemail straight after.
It is my mamas 80th birthday on Friday and after this crap shes putting us through I dont want to see her or buy her presents and make a fuss of her because she doesnt deserve it.
Shes not confused and old as one of my aunties describes it shes turned into a bitter and twisted old woman. What do I do? Theres no reasoning with her she just gets nasty, is it tough love she needs. She doesnt appreciate anything the family do for her and tells us on a regular basis other peoples families are better than us.

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What I mean is, guilt tripping you into spending time with her while NOT addressing her untreated mental illness is helping no one.
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Then she may have complicated grief and depression and could be treated. You and your mom have a right to insist on this if she wants to stay in contact with the family.
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She wasnt always like this it seemed to start after my grandad died 😢
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Hibbo. tell your mom the truth - that grandma's bitterness and anger is making you sick and you can't take it. And remember, your mom grew up with that or some version of it - ask her how did she cope, what was it like? She may think it is more normal than it is, probably. I know I could take more of my mom than my daughter could, and yet even now I realize how much the constant criticism and negativism and withholding of affection really hurt my spirit as I grew up, and in many ways held me back in life. My daughter took a couple of comments about her acne and that was that - very few visits for quite a while, but the last one Mom was actually pleasant to her and cared enough about seeing her not to do that again. Of course her eyesight was worse too, but that didn't stop her from telling me I looked tired and I looked like a drip. Well, enough reminiscing. Do what you can, not what tears you down. If you have to visit, maybe have a reason to be there like some little chore or favor, keep it short and sweet, or just short if there is no way to get sweet.

She does sound more angry-depressed than demented, but its a good thing someone else is looking in on the bills.
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On a personal note, with my own mother who has borderline personality disorder narcissistic type, it has been a lifelong journey. My role in my heart was that I always wanted to fix her, because she repeatedly hurt the people I love. I knew in my head for a long time that I could not fix her, but just kept trying to fix her and wanting to fix her and trying to accept that I could not fix her. At last, I could see that in my heart I will always want to fix her, and the only thing I CAN do is to limit my own "fixing behaviors" so it does not ruin my own life. My sister, who was always 'servant' to her so that she would finally get love, just had to cut off all contact. She blocked her phone calls, won't let her visit her home in the same town, etc. Other friends have finally written that they need a 'permanent vacation because it gets them down too much to hear complaining and lies and obsessions all the time. Mom is not going to change, so I can only change how I deal with her. I finally hired a care manager to take the daily phone calls and complaining from Mom. I can't be the repository for all her anger and other crap and still have a normal happy life for myself.
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My aunty manages her tablets on a daily basis for her and most of her bills they have invoices sent to my uncles email to know when they are ready to be paid especially the phone bill so they keep tabs on who shes ringing and when (shes a mare with the phone ringing us at work soforth) she can cook and clean herself but just chooses to eat crap instead. She could go out independantly but chooses not to. Shes told us about many falls shes had all of which no ones there and we havent ever witnesses her fall ever! Her arguments are not that of an old frail confuses woman, her voice is callous and bitter with it. Shes patronising and condecending wanting to start arguments. My mum is now, it feels, guilt tripping me into going. Mum doesnt want to go but says she is my mum and would feel guilty if anything happened to her, we could die anyday its not just an age thing!!! I feel gutwreanchingly sick over all of it.
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Just curious - what makes you sure she does not have dementia? Is she managing bills and household things all independently and all? I mean unless she has just been this bad or worse ALL her life, what is bringing it to the fore now? Why is she biting the hands of those would otherwise want to be there for her?
Maybe the antidepressants are making her worse, or she's not taking them and needs to - awfully hard to tell.
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Hibbo: "She has all her marbles shes just playing people. "

I don't know whether she really is cognizant, but I do think your assessment that she's playing people is right. Or it could be as others suggest that there is some mental illness in place.

Regardless, all of you need to back away for your own mental and physical health, and consider the difficult task of not letting her manipulate and harass you. If you've got caller ID, don't answer her calls; and don't return them. Distance yourself.

I know it isn't easy to do, but she's out of control, and trying to figure out how to manage, interpret and respond to her behavior is probably going to make all of you just more frustrated.
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Hibbo, I agree with others on this thread, it sure sounds like some form of dementia. Please go to this link, scroll down and read the articles, especially the one about the person saying lies https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia
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And, by the way, I think you really need to protect your child (children?) from her. "Honey, I don't know why GreatGramma is so mean. I think she is sick. You know that when you have a tummy ache or a bad cold sometimes you get cranky and crabby? Well, I think that is what is happening with GreatGramma. It is NOT your fault!" Try not to alienate the child from her -- she is family, and a child hates to think he comes from a terrible family -- but do let the child know you don't blame him, you are on his side, and you love him.

And I would definitely limit the time the child is exposed to this nasty, sick old woman.
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Hibbo83, detach from this situation. Limit how many phone calls you are willing to take. (Once a week on Thursday afternoons, for example.) Limit how many visits you make and how long you stay.

Limit what kind of conversations you will participate in. "Gram, I'm not really interested in hearing bad things about our family. Let's talk about something else." "Gram I love you and I want to talk to you, but I will not listen any more about biscuit thieves." And if she won't let you redirect the conversation, tell her politely but firmly that you'll call/come back at another time and hang up/leave."

I suspect that she is mentally ill. That if she has all her marbles they are scattered all over the place! That will mean "tough love" won't work and that she probably can't learn new behavior. But that still does not require you to accept abuse. Protect yourself. If that helps her change her behavior, great. But even if it doesn't, it should lower your stress level.
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Shes on antidepressants even though the dr and phyciatrist has told her its lonliness not depression, even though she gets company every flaming day. What about the poor pensioners that see no one for weeks on end! My family have told me to cut visits down they wouldnt be nasty were all in the same boat. My mama resents that we all have husbands and families and nothing is good enough for her. She had 60 years with my grandad and doesnt want us to spend time with spouses.
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If this isn't dementia ( and i think it is ) the it's mental illness. Get her seen by a psychiatrist. This is not normal behavior of an aging individual.
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She can't hit if you're not there. So don't be there.

And if your mother and your aunt and uncle tell you you're letting them down, because a trouble shared is a trouble halved and all that? Then tell them you've done your fair share, it isn't working for anyone, and you suggest that instead of putting up with your grandma's behaviour they should follow your example.

Having said that, the behaviour you describe does not sound like a person with all her marbles. It does sound as though your grandmother is losing the plot if she hasn't already. But in that case what she needs is professional intervention, not to be allowed to keep punishing her family.

By protecting yourself and your child, you might start a change that will be good for everyone. Try it - what have you got to lose?
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My mums getting a backlass at the mo but has been my aunty and uncle that get it all and mama resents that we agree with them and not her. We all hate hearing her call us to each other. Ive been ignoring her crap for years but now if you ignore her vile comments or try to change the subject she hits you.
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She doesnt have dementia shes at the drs every week with something or another, she always tells the drs shes depressed and already on two antidepressants and shes just getting worse, the dr says shes just lonely but she will not help herself she just wants to wallow in her bungalow and the family be with her 24/7 which we cant do. Nothing is good enough for her. She constantly lies to everyone and not afraid to lie about you infront of your face! My aunty and uncle bend over backwards for her and all she does is slag them off. She tells us she hasnt been took shopping for a month by them when they take her every week. She has all her marbles shes just playing people. I am currently going through court with my ex and have a distraught child and shes the last thing we need 😢
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Unfortunately we can't change other people's behavior. There's probably little you can do to change your grandmother's behavior. What you can do is change how you react to it, change how it affects you.

Be supportive of your mom. It sounds like she bears the brunt of the bad behavior. Always be on her side. Listen to her if she needs to vent.

As for how you deal with it, you said she was mean and nasty so don't keep being shocked when she displays mean and nasty behavior. I'm not saying give her a pass. Just chalk it up to grandma being mean and nasty again and move on.

If it were me I wouldn't go out of my way for her for any reason. If she thinks other families are better than the one she has let her go out and find a better family.
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It sounds like dementia. There's no way to reason with it. Read more about the signs of dementia on this site. The behaviors will probably sound quite familiar to you. If you can get her to a doc have her tested. Also check for UTI.
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