My background...
I am 27, my husband is 33, we have a 4 year old daughter and a 75 year old grandfather. My husband and I met 5 years ago. We were the typical young couple. Only he and I in the house, we would come and go as we pleased. Shortly after meeting we found out we were expecting. About 7 months into the pregnancy we got a call from my husband's great aunt saying we had to come get his grandfather because she was over him. So we did. At the beginning it was fine having him in the house. He could be left alone while I worked, ran errands, or we had datenight. About a year later we noticed small things... name trouble, wandering, no money management at all, etc. He was never happy and I spent most of the next few years driving him from our home to his sisters. Whenever he got bored or mad he threatened to walk so I drove him to keep the peace. Fast forward to 2009. My husband took a job in Louisiana and we moved. He stayed with his sister against our wishes. Then about midnight one niht she told him she had moved his stuff into a broken down truck and we needed to get him. So we did! I noticed immediately the change. He was moody, had barely any memory, called me by my husbands ex's name, wandered, cried, lied, refused meals. All in all pretty bad. I took him to get checked out and he was givin meds that I found out he was flushing instead of taking.
We now live back in TN and its horrible! I cant work because he cant be left alone or he will walk to each neighbor and tell another story to each of them. He spent $800 of his SSI on lottery tickets that he couldnt understand to actually know if he won. He hides my computer. Refuses food. Refuses bathing. My husband works about 14 hours a day so it is mostly me with him. A week ago things got the point that I started looking for help! I got him enrolled in an elderly program but it will be 4-6 weeks until I start getting help.
My question is, how do I not get bitter about giving up my last 5 years? He is so rude and mean to me when my husband is gone but when he is here, he is different. I feel like I am raising a 4 year old and a 75 year old the only difference being, he can say screw you and walk out the door.
Maybe I will feel better after simply putting my feelings into words but I am struggling with all of this and thought maybe a group can help! Thanks in advance!
It wouldn't be giving up on the elder but rather it would be doing what is best for them. Many caregivers find a good place that is close by and visit regularly, they fix up the elders room to make it feel more like home and they closely monitor the care that is given. I like what someone previously said when they said don't trade bitterness for guilt, that is so true. Keep posting Amanda and God bless you for the person that you are. XXXOOO
When my husband finally got home last night we talked and I let him know how things were when he wasnt there and my feelings toward the whole situation. He listened but I am not sure that he actually heard what I said. He is 100% against placing him in some type of facility. My husbands mom died when he was 8 so his grandparents adopted him. Then less than 3 months later, his grandmother passed so it was just the 2 of them for a while. He feels it would be giving up on him. I did let him know that I didnt think I could do it much longer without some SERIOUS help! He read all of the info that the eval nurse left yesterday and seems positive about the program. I guess we will see what the next few weeks have to offer.
I tried to reach out to his only living daughter and his 2 siblings that are healthy enough to help. His daughter let me know really fast that she wanted no part in his life at all. His sister and brother both admit he needs care but arent willing to "babysit" because in their own words "they have lives" Funny, I had one of those at one point also!
Your grandfather-in-law has dementia. He can't help it. He didn't sign up for it willingly. Maybe if he took the pills that were prescribed that would help. And maybe not. Maybe when you start getting help you will be better able to cope. And maybe not. Grampa should be paying you rent. That won't make up for you not working, but it will make the situation a tiny bit more fair. And it won't hurt him to have less to spend on lottery tickets.
Dementia progresses. It gets worse. It sounds like you are on the verge of not being able to take care of Grampa now. The time will come when you can't. Start looking now for long term care placement options. See what is available in your area, what they will cost, and how to begin the process of seeing that he qualifies for financial assistance if he is going to need it. This is not a failure on your part. It is a reality most caregivers face when their loved ones have dementia. Do NOT trade in bitterness for guilt.
Congratulations for giving your husband's grandfather a safe and loving home for five years. That is no small accomplishment. You can be proud. Now do what you need to do to take care of yourself, your daughter, and your husband.
Good luck!