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I am sole caregiver for my 87 yr old mother who has dementia. My brother lives 2 hours away and visited last in January. My sister lives in the same town and visited last at Christmas. They both don't want to see mom get worse and are extremely uncomfortable around her when they visit.They talk non stop and very loud and she gets agitated. She doesn't ask about them or mention them at anytime. She doesn't know anyone anymore and wouldn't remember them if they came. I just want to call them and tell if they don't want to come on Mother's Day, they don't have to. I don't know !!

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Funtimes, so glad it all went well and special thanks for giving us the outcome. You sure have a lot on your plate! Good luck with it all.
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Thanks, I think I'm so overwhelmed by her chronic UTI's, her first fall, she's forgetting how to eat and not wanting to drink, dehydration, my upcoming surgery and putting her in respite care, 2 deaths in our family, my husbands new job, I probably a little more anxious than usual. I'm getting so I don't like disruptions to my schedules, lol.
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I'm glad it worked out well for all of you!
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Well, both showed up at the same time (neither knew the other was coming over) but the visit went very well. I had everything ready and things were stress free. My sister only stayed about 20 minutes but my brother stayed well over an hour and my mother was very happy. I made it very clear to both (especially to my sister who lives in town) they are very welcome to visit any time. It brought so much joy to my mother when they visited today.
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They don't have to all come at once, nor do they need to bring spouses. Sometimes that is overwhelming for the elder. Let each one visit separately, and keep it short so mom does not get exhausted. Encourage each child to call once a week. As long as she still knows who they are, they should maintain weekly contact.
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My brother did text to say he would be visiting on Mother's Day so I will call him and let him know because of moms decline, short questions and quiet voices are best. Haven't heard from my sister yet but she won't want people to know she didn't show up on Mother's Day.
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What a dilemma. You're right to question whether their visits can be of any benefit to her.

As it is, it sounds as if the visits are simply disruptive and do nothing for your mother's quality of life. And, by the way, are a flipping pain in the neck for you.

But if your brother and sister could educate themselves about dementia care needs, do you think it would be possible for your mother to gain anything from seeing them then? What could you ask them to change that would make their visits worthwhile?

The only difficulty I see from your point of view is that, if you tell them (even nicely) not to bother to come, *when* they regret not having made more effort with their mother they will blame you for shutting them out. People who feel guilty like to disperse blame, you know, and you'll be a sitting duck of a target.
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I think they should come because who knows, somehow your mum may realise they are there. You are considering their feelings that they do not want to see her get worse but you see this every day,so they can see this once/twice a year, surely? You could ask them to talk softly, this is not a big request and not difficult. It could be the last time they see her and might regret not coming.
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I'm of two minds on this. If their visits mean more work for you (calming your mom down), then I vote for fewer visits. If you think you can get them to slow down and talk more softly so that your mom won't be agitated, then I agree with not giving them outs. Who in their right mind wants to see their parent age and lose their mental faculties? No one! But we caregivers do what we do because it's the right thing to do. Your siblings can step up and do the same thing.
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I'd vote to let them come IF they choose. But I always prepped my Mom before my out of state brother's visits! I'd go thru some old photo albums and identify the immediate family. Then I would tell her he lived VERY far away but he was trying to come up for a visit. This all took place the day before the visit. One year,he visited on his birthday. I stopped over to see my Mom that morning and repeated the possibility of a visit. I also pointed out that it was his birthday. Lo and behold, she greeted him with a warm smile and birthday wishes! He knew I had prepped her for this but he was THRILLED with the birthday wish.

If they come you can give them 'guidelines for the visit. I've noticed Mom gets upset with loud talking so I find I do better in a soft voice. Dementia is a strange disease. The patient can be spot on one minute and lost the next. Give them all the benefit of the doubt .
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I wouldn't give them "an out"!!!!
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Agreed...you siblings need to put on their big boy and girl pants on and get over it. I have a similar situation with my brother, he admitted that it breaks his heart seeing Mom in the state she is in~ it's hard for me too~ but you have to suck it up. It means the world to a parent to feel loved. And trust me, given my dysfunctional relationship with my Mom for pretty much my whole life, it could have been super easy for me to turn my back. But, you need to see the forest thru the trees sometimes (or is it the other way around...LOL!) Quick story, my grandmother eventually forgot my name and who I was, but the last time I saw her she said " I know you are a very nice girl and smiled" So somewhere deep down inside, there's recognition~
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I'm with everything ccflorida said, especially that they need to "grow up". Maybe if they came more often they wouldn't feel so uncomfortable.
I wouldn't discourage them from coming, but set some ground rules. Tell them to keep the visit short and keep their voices down. If they overstay and mom is getting agitated could mom retire to another part of the house or to her room for a "nap"? If they have a problem with that too bad, it's time they face the realities of her condition and your world.
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I assume they will visit again around Dec./ Jan. If so, is it beneficial to them to have this mid-year visit? I would guess yes. But I think it would be fine to see if they want to visit less than they have been. What has it been? Two or three times a year? These are their final visits with her, so maybe they know how many more times they will likely see her in their lifetimes. I think it's more about them now than it is about her. If they come, no harm in mentioning that she needs calm voices in order to stay comfortable. (I don't have much patience for people who avoid their loved ones in a bad state. I say "grow up". But I do have sympathy for their process of letting go.) good luck
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