I live across the country from my aging mother, who lives alone. I handle most of the Admin issues she needs, as she refuses to get a computer or Internet. She is getting more confused and has difficulty making decisions and remembering things. She recently (voluntarily) gave up driving after a near miss accident. I called her doctor and asked the receptionist to a note in her file for the doctor to check on her cognitive function on her next visit. Recently my mom decided she wanted to do some home improvements but it was clear to her after much research, that she couldn't do this alone and she was so distressed I ended up making a cross-country weekend trip to help her sort it all out and line it up. No sooner did I leave than there were mutliple questions and new things she introduced into the situation. Even when we are in agreement she will call the contractor and chnage her mind about something and I am no longer able to follow what has happened because the contractor will say one thing and my mother will say another. She has spent a ridiculous amount of money due to her indecision and changing her mind. And I do tell her my thoughts on this but respect that it is her money and her decision. Now when things start settling down and she sees all the money she has spent due to repeated house calls from the contractor to remedy some new problem with the work she has discovered, she starts rewriting the story, blaming me for not getting her what she wanted to begin with--which may have never existed in reality, or was on backorder and she didn't want to wait for it, so she accepted something else. I try to remember that she is confused but I also feel she has enough of her faculties for her to be reminded of the facts. I may be be wrong in how much she really can remember accurately. I have spoke to my siblings along the way, just so they know what is going on and they are supportive of me. I just need to know 1) how to assure my mom of the facts (or is that even necessary or possible) and 2) get assurance or guidance that what I'm doing is fine or is there other things I should be doing? I'm hoping her doctor will be in touch with me at some point to give me her thoughts but I don't think my mom has another appointment for a couple months. Many thanks.
As for reassuring her of the facts — sometimes it helps, but often it’s more important to reassure her emotionally rather than factually. You’re already doing what a loving child can do: supporting her, respecting her, and making tough calls when she can’t.
On a practical level, you might consider keeping a simple written log of decisions made (with dates, what was agreed, and why), so you have something to gently reference if the story shifts. Also, try to keep communication with the contractor running through you directly as much as possible, so changes aren’t happening behind the scenes. And if she continues to struggle with big decisions, you might ask her doctor whether a gradual introduction of more structured support — like a care manager or financial POA — could ease some of this burden.
Be gentle with yourself — this is not easy, and you’re doing far better than you may realize
You may want to confer with your siblings about finding a way to protect her money. If you have access to her accounts for bill-paying, you should probably contact her bank and ask how you can work with them to protect her finances.
I suggest you step way back and “ let her fail “ . That’s how you get her to realize that you are not the problem . Leave her to take care of it herself so she can’t blame you for the facts. Do not prop her up by doing things for her . Propping her up will just make her think she’s still independent . A very wise social worker taught me this over my own difficult mother ( with dementia ).
I know it’s counter intuitive to not help . At some point Mom will need 24/7 supervision due to her confusion and memory problems and she won’t be able to live alone. Do not live with Mom . She sounds too difficult . Assisted Living would be best when elders are like your Mom is blaming you for things. This won’t get better either . She may never believe there is anything wrong with her.
Are you on HIPAA at the doctor’s office, so they will speak to you ? Does Mom have someone as medical , financial POA ? If not , you will want to have this drawn up by a lawyer before she is more confused or diagnosed with dementia.
FYI , A neurologist appt for dementia diagnosis usually is a long wait . booked 6 months out.
Lastly , your mother’s needs are the priority , not her wants. You don’t have to make all her wishes come true . Unfortunately , you already got involved with her home Improvements .
Good Luck . Keep coming back as this unfolds.