What is the best way to tell Mom she needs to finally go to the home?

Follow
Share

I and my husband have living with and taking care of my mother with dementia for over 5 years. It has gotten to the point where we konw we cannot offer her the type of care she needs and still care for ourselves, make a living and save for our own retirement. Out ability to work (we are self employed) has been deeply affected) and we can no longer do this to ourselves.
She is in her own world and comfortable in her home, but we are have not been able to take time off at all in those years. Although she has asked to go to a nursing home, now that it is a reality, she does not want to go.
We have a heart an do love her, but we are doing a dis-service to our own life and her ability to have better care as well.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
5

Answers

Show:
Yes. I just sat and had a heart to heart with her and told her that we love her yet we no longer feel qualified to give her the extra care that she needs due to our own health and work....I am 68. I told her that she has friends in this facility and lots of activities and social connections which we can no longer provide. (I am not retired and cannot be retired financially at all.) She understood. She accepted to visit the place for an evaluation. Of course an hour later she asked me who is going on a trip? I guess we just have to go a step at a time here. Thanks to all off you. It is good to know we are not the only ones who have gone through this.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

There is a definite fine line you need to walk on, caregivertired7, when caring for someone with dementia. You need to live in their world but have a different reality that you live. I am very much in favor of allowing love ones with dementia to live in their own reality, however, this is a time when honesty has its place. Explaining to your mom the level of care she needs is beyond your ability is honest and true. Maybe taking a tour, having lunch, in her new potential home may help the process along for some. For others, "ripping off the bandage", so to speak, may be the best approach and just move her. Try to find the best way for you both.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sometimes it seems like it's a go-to excuse - the better care argument. In reality, it is very often the honest truth and fact of the situation.

Focus on that. It may not register with your mom - but if it were me, and I was there at one point - but I would want to pay her the respect of at least being honest with her. The fact of the matter is that your mother needs more - and better care than you can provide. It's not a criticism- you and hubby are not medically trained and able to look after her needs round the clock. Tell mom that and go from there.

I know when I faced my mother wanting to move in with me it was impossible to even consider in a dozen different ways. But for my mom I needed to make it all about her - which all the other reasons were as well but was not as clear for her to see. Having mom live in our basement because we only have a two bedroom house - occupied by hubby and me and our sevearly disabled son - well, that didn't cut it for my mom - she insisted she'd be just fine living alone in our basement- with me running up and down the stairs all day - looking after her and taking care of my son. There is no reasoning with dementia! So I stuck with the obvious truth - my mom needed more - and better care, than I could provide. Period.

Give it a shot. Good luck to you - it's definitely a tough spot to be in right now. But it will pass and everyone will adjust to a "new normal" once the move is made.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Thank you. That is exactly what I hear my higher self telling me. Yet, we are all human and have feelings which I know I have to go through. She has dementia so she forgets easily. That is the worse thing about the situation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

There is no easy way to do this. I am in the same position as you, except I am able to work from home and don't have to consider other family members. My mother absolutely refuses to leave her home. She wants to die here. I know that the only way I am going to be able to get her into a nursing home is to wait for a crisis that ends up at the hospital. From there the transition will be easier.

My mother is like a badger -- a social phobic one. If your mother is not so stubborn, it might be easier for you. Some of the facilities are very nice and have games and activities for residents. It could be that your mother would actually enjoy them after a month or two. She might discover she loves bingo or some other activity and it will make all the difference.

There is no easy way to tell them. The only thing to remember is that we live a minute at a time. When you tell her, it will be tough. Moving her into her new place will be difficult. But when it's done, the time will be over and you can know that it was the best thing for everyone. You just have to get through the rough patch to get to the other side.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions