What is the best way to respond to attempts of a controlling elder?

Well listen them,care them is best option to control elder.

Consult with best doctor.

Oh, my gosh, littlebear. Your mother is a copy of mine. I live with my mother and she occupies the whole house. Her motto is "mine, mine, mine." Even after 6 years I feel I have no ownership of anything here. She gets mad when I want to make changes. I have to sneak things out of the house to throw them away.

Mine has gotten some better in the last two years as she has gotten more frail. I think she is too tired now to be so determined to keep control. Her main control was through angry bullying, which takes a lot of emotional and physical energy. She still does it sometimes, though I don't give in to it. It is usually over things like giving her more laxatives. She absolutely hates me when I won't give her more -- she has been known to take 18-20 in a day if someone doesn't stop her. It is so hard when she does the angry bully thing. It makes me want to give her what she asks for, just to get rid of her. But I can't do that, since she would end up killing herself and I would feel responsible.

Something that is strange in my mother is though she is controlling, she is totally dependent.

Really appreciate all of your thoughts. You are right on target, JessieBelle, when you said "The bad thing is that we can't make them do anything if they haven't been deemed incompetent." Have recommended seeing another doctor but change is difficult for my mom.

Excellent advice "freqflyer" about staying temporarily in an assisted living/nursing home while away. There are many good ones in our area. Problem again, is she has to want to. Four years ago, when she fell multiple times it landed her in the hospital and then two weeks in a nursing home for rehab. She hated it so much that she went on a hunger strike after the first week there. Refused to eat anything except for drinking some 7 UP. Was anti-social. Did not participate in any activities. They also called in a psychiatrist during her stay, that she initially agreed to seeing because of her anger issues. When the doctor arrived, she refused to meet with him. I was in the midst of moving here so was unable to meet with the staff or doctor, so nothing got resolved in that area.

A few of you mentioned getting some packing boxes ready.....that made me laugh, as most of my things have been in boxes for the past four years. Since this is her house, I can't change anything. There are two floors, she lives downstairs and I'm occupying one of the bedrooms upstairs but nothing can be changed.

Would love for her to join me on this trip and I did ask her, but she said she is finished. She did most of her traveling in her 60's and 70's. Family does come here for visits too but they stay in a nearby hotel, which can get expensive. She has a hard time when anyone stays over....gets too nervous, etc.

So there it is....taking care of a loved one is serious business and as I have read from many other posts on this site, there are a lot of legal issues to be aware of. So thank you again for taking the time to respond. Agingcare.com and all the amazing caretakers on this site have been such an encouragement to me. Praying for you all and your loved ones you care for.

littlebear, many of us know what you're facing. It is like being a prisoner in your own home. The answer seems so easy, but it isn't. Every suggestion gets thrown in the rejection pile by the elder until there's nothing left except to stay in prison. I can see only two options. Either she lets you go on respite or you turn in your notice that you will not be able to stay with her any longer. Then help her find a place to stay either while you're on respite or longer -- her choice. The bad thing is that we can't make them do anything if they haven't been deemed incompetent. But we can decide what we will do. Tell her you are going and that is that. I like FreqFlyer's suggestion of finding a facility that offers respite care. That will give her a chance to be with other people while you're gone. It would be great if she found she liked it.

For your mother to say you can't leave is being tyrannical. I do understand what you are going through. My mother tells me that she can stay by herself just fine while I'm gone. I know better than that, so it leaves me in the same position that you are in. I cannot understand the attachment that some elders feel to their houses. You can't get them out with a shoe horn.

You go on vacation!! Of course she will feign illness, even imminent death. What we did was let 911 take her to the hospital and not rush to her house. That would be a blessing in disguise, because the hospital would treat her personality as well as any malady.

Here is ALL you have to do. Say nothing, don't answer, don't explain.
Buy a few flat moving boxes, tape. Bring them into your room.
Start taping them open, put in a few things.
Then, do it again.
If something at all happens, at the very least you will be ready to move out and get a life. The presence of moving boxes in a home are like serving notice that you have options, choices, and are taking back control. This may be the only recourse to deal with a difficult person who wants to hurt you.

littlebear28, sounds like your Mom isn't comfortable being alone... the biggest fear is becoming ill or falling when no one is around to help. A week or ten days is a very long time to leave an elder by them-self. No wonder she is lashing out.

When we are younger we don't really mind being alone, but as we age it is a different story. My Mom [early 90's] didn't like when my Dad was away in rehab for 3 weeks. And I find myself going into a panic when my sig other flies off to visit his family. Funny as I had lived on my own for 10 years prior to meeting him.

See if there is an independent living/assisted living facility that offers "respite" care where your Mom can be for when you are away. Who knows, she might enjoy being there among people of her own age, having her meals cooked and she dines in the common dining room with others, enjoying the activities. It's like a "land cruise", and she might not want to leave :)

Over my dead body would anyone keep me from my own children or my granddaughters. I'm sure you feel the same way so just go and spend as long as you want. The best thing to do when someone has a temper tantrum is to ignore it. We teach others how to treat us. Don't give her a response to her stink fit. Then smile and tell her your plans and let her know she's more than welcome to call whomever she feels . Smile and walk away.

She hates for you to go away for even 4 days.. yet she threatens to have you thrown out? This is called manipulation,as you mentioned. and it's pretty typical in the elderly ( and lots of others too) Can she be left alone for 10 days? Who is going to check on her while you are gone? can you take her along,, although there goes your break.. You could call her bluff, and remind her that you'll need to pick up some packing boxes before you leave so you can have your stuff shipped...