My grandmother was recently (within the last 6 months) moved to a NH. Since then, my uncle began going to the NH EVERY DAY, even against family and professional advice. He began taking her on outings almost immediately, also against family and professional advice. He has since planted himself right in the middle and has sort of taken over, in a sense, with her and the staff at the NH.
Prior to her going into the NH I spent some time caring for her, once for a short period in my family's home (my home), and for a short time during a hospital stay. During this time, I got up to speed on her condition, did a ton of research about her condition and the reality of it, provided recovery care/supervision along with home health/PT/OT after she coded/recovered/ICU/swing bed/to my house. I consider myself well informed and sensible where my grandmother's health is concerned both mental and physical. Not perfect! I'm human and I still fall prey to her antics at times.
My uncle's behavior is very odd to me and is actually insulting. He has never really had a good grasp on her mental and physical condition and couldn't understand why I didn't wait on her hand and foot while she underwent P & O/T at my house. It seemed as though he saw himself as "swooping in and rescuing her" from the rest of us boogeymen (my mother, me, and my aunt). He is particularly resentful of my involvement in my grandmother's care. I can't put my finger on why. He refuses to listen to or acknowledge my input about her in family discussions. I know that part of it is that he sees me as a child (I'm almost 40), and I think he sees my involvement as an infringement. He thinks all care and decisions should be solely between the children and their spouses. No one else has a problem with my involvement and actually see it as value-added input and even seek my input from time to time.
Onto the manipulation- my uncle has been angling for my grandmother's vehicle and mobile home. Neither are worth a whole lot, but he (and his wife) have never been financially successful (read: irresponsible, always in trouble financially) and probably see those things as a way out of their own financial responsibilities.
He actually told my mother and aunt that she said it was okay for him to get her vehicle and put insurance and a license plate on it. This isn't true at all!! I talked to her about this and she said he is NOT to take her vehicle at all. Today, I found out that he was planning to take her to her house for a visit this weekend, but backed out of that this evening saying that she was really nasty to him while he was there. My best guess is that sometime over the weekend he promised her that he would take her to her house if she agreed to let him use her vehicle and it got brought up today and she told him he's not getting her vehicle.
When I first heard of this vehicle thing, I talked to her about what he was telling all of us. She was adamant that he's not to have it. I took the opportunity to tell her how I personally felt about what he was doing. I told her that I thought it was wrong of him to behave this way, lying to his siblings about it and even trying to get the vehicle in the first place.
The family's concern is that he won't handle the paperwork properly and won't get insurance on it, making things worse. Or even run it in the ground.
I think it's wrong for him to prey on her this way. His going to the NH everyday (IMO) just to gain favor so she'll give him money and favor him into giving him what's left of her possessions. The rest of us would never think of doing those things. We just don't think like that.
I'm hanging in there as far as being actively involved in her overall care. My uncle is annoying in that area, but I'm not going to go away or stop thinking about her or what's best for her just because he wants me to.
Where his behavior about her things is concerned, I'm torn. If she's willing to give him money b/c he goes to see her every day, if they're happy with that, is it my business? What about her vehicle and home? I don't want them; should it matter to me that he's manipulating her and working an angle with her? I hate to see that kind of dishonest low-life behavior. Should I just leave it alone and let them be, even though I know he's not being honest in his actions with her?
Lastly, my mother is planning to take my grandmother to her house for a few hours on Saturday. This is a horrible decision that will only cause more stress, drama, and upset for everyone, and will only intensify her drive and desire to go home permanently, which isn't an option.
My mother thinks she's "shutting her up about it" or doing her a favor, but really it will only make things worse and set her back to square one adjustment wise. Should I try harder to talk her out of it or just let her learn her lesson? We did this between the last hospital stay and the NH, and it was a disaster with lasting affects.