It is frustrating dealing with mom's irrationality. She's always been this way to some extent, it just seems to be getting worse. Doc has not yet weighed in on dementia but I see it.
Every little thing has to be a certain way in her world. It may be part of that being the only way she can process. And things are very extreme. For instance, small example, but she moves my water glass on the table, even though it is well within where it should be, because she is sure I am somehow going to dump it all over and she will have to "replace her furniture." EVen if it's just water. I'm quite sure at this late I've figured out how to have a catastrophe-free meal. Yet every night, she moves the glass.
There are many examples far more irrational than that, but I don't want to put down any details that might identify her. She has a great deal of anxiety about what should be normal things. When you try to present her with a fact or show her that what she is saying is not plausible, she gets very angry and then accuses me of forcing her blood pressure to raise and 'making her sick.' (Those physical changes actually do happen with her so I try not to agitate her). She tries to control every detail of everything and is constantly coming into my room to talk about the kitchen sponge, this or that. She's not really that controlling by nature so much as I think it shakes up her world when things are shifting and changing.
She has been having some things that I believe are hallucinations, I sometimes hear her talking to herself in the bathroom, and challenging anything with reality just makes her furious. And goes nowhere.
But where that leaves me is basically as a surrogate husband - I've settled into the 'yes dear's". I rarely get anywhere trying to challenge her. I find myself stuffing down anger with cake and ice cream and sometimes going to bed with adrenaline in m system. I've tried not to let my anger show but it either stuffs back down or comes out passive-aggressively. I sometimes end up going to bed with adrenaline in my system. Rational conversation only goes so far because it's the little irrationalities that drive me up the wall. The big things we can generally handle.
This is getting very unhealthy on my end, and I often have the urge to break something just to let it out - but I don't. Although I did bang my bed with a pillow last week.
When I can afford to , it will be best for us both for me to get my own place unless there is a medical reason to do otherwise. FOr now, this is what it is.
Suggestions on handling anger and cortisol? Thank you
Yes my outside life has become almost nonexistent since being here, although that's not really her fault - I'm the one who's gotten reclusive. Probably from just being focused on what's at hand, namely, helping her and also business issues on my end that take all of my focus. I'll work on getting more balanced because I am not sufficiently supported with other things since moving here. It would be good to get out of here and be more around some normalcy to balance things.
Just to clarify, she's not abusive, she's actually overly loving and smother-mothering - which drives me batty. Really freaking batty because while I love my mom in my own way, there are no warm fuzzies going on on this end.
But she is very irrational about the small things of life in everyday conversation. And if I bring up facts (no I will likely not get killed if I go to the grocery store after dark), she gets very upset. So it has the effect of cowing to her irrationality all the time (just move the water and shutup and treat it as if it's a rational request) which leaves me in the "yes dears." (I have not modified any of my trips to the grocery store though - draw the line there).
I definitely do feel like a surrogate husband though. She wants companionship and I've become it. It's not a comfortable position to be in because I do feel like an emotional hostage even though I am here of my own volition. And I feel like an awful person becuase I should WANT to be her companionship. That's what family is for. But I'm doing my best in that respect as far as showing up.
I'm mostly wondering the best way to respond to the irrationality and I guess trying to get some outside support would be the first order of business.