Where is the best place for my dad (94)?

Follow
Share

three years ago my father finally got tired of starring at the walls of his house (especially over the winter months) and tried out an assisted living facility nearby. this place is full of seniors from italian decent so my father is able to find company and communicate well with the residents and also staff many of whome also speak italian.

Last january '15, after noticing how run down and abandoned his house was starting to become I asked my dad if he'd be okay with me selling my house and moving into his for a few years so I could maintain and keep it available for him to visit occasionally - he said that would be a great idea and most likely he'd never want to return.

This past january, he had a slight stroke which has only affected his mobility (mostly in wheel chair) and only slightly his mind (confusion and anxiety). He has started saying he wants to return to his home and essentially asked me to move out (wife and 3 kids) essentially so he can return and hire live-in care staff.

My siblings, who are much older than I am (by 12 and 14 years) are supporting his thought to move home without me there otherwise they wont feel comfortable visiting him while my family lives in his house. I dont really want to subject my family to another move especially after spending 75k and months last summer to fix his decrepet house up (kitchen and bathrooms, windows, floor, etc).

I've had several discussions with the staff at the assisted living facility and they suggested he's in better care with a facility full of staff and friends than stuck in a house with a live-in Filipino care staff which I think makes sense too.
After a couple meetings with siblings (who insist on my dad being in the meetings as well) they all seem to think I need to pack myself and vacate the house so my dad can move into the house and have live in help...

Where is the best place for a senior to live out their sunset years? (assisted living, long term care, home with some family members, home with hired help)

thanks for your thoughts!


This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
2

Answers

Show:
Hi Rainmom, I appreciate your thoughts... you are quite correct that the reimbursement is really the least of my concerns. I think he might be stuck in a fantasy of returning home also returns him to a time when he was in better health and happier - which in my opinion will be a frustrating and painful inconvenience for a lot of people.

some more insight into my arrangement, my rationale for fixing and moving into his house was based on my own wishes to move out of the 'city' and to the small town near the lake where we've been establishing our own sunset years plans which could happen in around 3-5 years after my youngest son is through high school and off to university. I would either buy the house from siblings and use it as a rental property or perhaps just sell it to the market and split proceeds as siblings are all equal parts in my dad's will.
I dont think the 4-5k/month my dads pays at assisted living is a problem, but he is extremely aggitated and complains constantly that he just wants the company of his family... which he does get almost daily someone dropping in to say hello. His attitude is very self centered and his very entitled behavior is making me and my siblings crazy - not sure why siblings choose to just give him what he asks instead of whats best for him.

I want to run away :|
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

At 94 yrs old I imagine things could change in a heartbeat - literally. Getting an elderly loved one into a facility is such a major struggle for most it just seems to be a mistake to take your father out and return him to his house. However you may have no choice in the matter if your father is mentally competent and his own guardian. If that's the case dad could check himself out of AL, grab a cab and go home - and there wouldn't be anything you could do to stop him. If this happens I think you would be justified to ask to be repaid for the money spent updating and repairing the house. But I know this is probably down further on the list of reasons why you don't want this to happen. Sorry to be insensitive but what is the plan for the house when your dad passes? I think that could be a large factor in what you do next and also in regards to your siblings. If the house is not specifically left to you, might your siblings force it's sale? Also - what's your fathers financial situation? Paying for round the clock in-home care is very expensive. Is there a chance of dad running out of money and the house needing to be sold for his care - which by the way, would force a return to some type of facility care. I think there are several questions to be answered before the issue of merely dad returning to the house can be answered. Did you by any chance get anything in writting saying you would be repaid for the money you spent on the house? If not, you may have put yourself is a bad spot - standing to loose your $75k. Can you fill in a few of these details for a better answer?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions