What would be the best living arrangement for my 81 year old parents?

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My 81 year old parents experienced losing my brother to cancer and losing their home in a flood,within months of each other, two years ago. My mother has progressive dementia and suffers with major depression and my father turned to alcohol and binge drinks weekly. I no longer feel my mother is safe and is now living with the depression and anger my father displays as a result of his alcoholism.
I am 60 years old, retired, and live 5 hours away from them. I try to visit them every two weeks, but am getting burned out and depressed and, for my mother's safety and well being, know that something has to change.
My parents have been together since they were 18 years old (63 years), and up until two years ago very close and happy. My mother could live on her own, but is not wanting to live with any of her four remaining adult children even though she is miserable living with my alcoholic father.
I found an affordable assisted living apartment complex and am presently arming myself with the information about the facility in the hopes that I can get them both to agree to move. It won't change my father's drinking, but would ease my worry about my mother's safety and isolation.
I have been unable to stay mentally healthy and worry night and day about both of them. They are wonderful people, but both of them are sick in their own way.
I am nervous about presenting my thoughts and wishes for them to make a move to the assisted living facility because I don't want them to say no.
After reading other posts on this sight I will try to plant the seeds for the move and pray for positive results.
I would very much appreciate anyone's thoughts on my situation.

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I know exactly what you mean about worrying night and day about your parents, I am going through the same thing. But I can't budge my parents out of their single family home, and my parents are in their 90's. I cringe any time I drive by my parents home and see Dad has a long ladder out up against the house.

Keep pushing the positive things about the assistant living complex, depending on what is offered. I am still doing that with my parents for the great place I found for them. I tell them they would have MORE freedom than they have now because then they wouldn't have to wait for me to drive them somewhere. My parents complain about boredom, well the complex would have many things they would like to do, even if it is just walking around the grounds. Plus Mom wouldn't need to prepare dinner, as the fee includes dinner in one of the restaurants in the complex. And there is a doctor on-site, plus if Dad should fall someone would be there to help within minutes. The place I had picked out for my parents sounds so good, I am ready to sign up :)

Is this complex you choose closer to you, or you rather your folks stay in the community they are familiar with?
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You're sure on the right track. Assisted living sounds perfect for them. Almost every assisted living facility can ramp up their services on an a la carte basis as their needs increase.

When you talk to them about it, talk about the benefits in the beginning. Don't talk about the wisdom of moving. Sell the sizzle. Not the steak.

You'll probably fairly early in your description have to say, "Mom! Dad! Just listen to me tell you about it! I can't even tell you how I worry about you! JUST LISTEN! Don't say no until you hear me out!"

Stress that all they'll do is leave their house one morning and move in to the ALF an hour later. EVERYTHING will be taken care of.in the background for them. Their home...their clothes..,their furnishings...everything. They are going to have valet and butler service through the whole move.

In advance of your meeting, spend a few hours organizing your thoughts in bullet points on paper to take with you. List all the sizzle. Describe what their day would be like. Sell the benefits.

Think of what their objections will be. List them. And counterpoint your argument. In other words, what will you say to:

"We're NOT going ANYWHERE." ("Dad, just listen. I've gone to a lot of trouble to find this great place. Let me tell you about it!")
"We can't afford it." ("Let's not rule it out until we've looked at everything.")
"OMG! It's too much work!" (No, it really isn't. Walk out your front door to your new home. It'll be just that easy.")

Take dad on a little guilt trip. "Dad, mom would have some company...really nice programs to go to if she (and you) wanted to...healthy eating...women are more social than men. She's been soooo ISOLATED."

Expect them to say no. Before you go, make an appointment for the next week at the facility. "Okay, you can say no. But I want you both to come take a tour next Tuesday. I'll pick you up at 10 AM." Then get there at 8:30 to get them ready. Ha! "Do this one thing for me just because you love me. Come have a look."

Let the Admissions Coordinator know to sell the sizzle as well. A room tour. A tour of activity rooms. The current social calendar. Introductions to a few residents. The outside grounds. Yada yada yada.

I wish you well. (Sorry this is so long,)
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