How do we know if it's best for my father-in-law to live with us or stay in a nursing home?

Follow
Share

My father-in-law has Parkinson's and has a catheter due to having blood in his urine and blockage of the uretha. The blood has cleared up, and he will be having a procedure this week to see if the problem can be resolved. He is currently in a nursing home and is receiving physical therapy to help with balance and strength. When we visited him, he was crying to get him out because he doesn't want to die there. He has lived with us before for a brief period due to my husband being extremely concerned for their safety. Mother-in-law with Alzheimer's is living with her daughter 15 miles from the nursing home. It is no longer an option for my father-in-law to live with his daughter.
My question is how do we know if it is best for my father-in-law to live with us or stay in a nursing home? We will have a registered nurse with him for a minimum of 10 hours a day while we are at work. Has anyone else been in this situation? My husband feels like he is between a hard rock and a brick wall.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
23

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
The fact that you are conflicted makes me think you have serious reservations and from what I have read the last two years very few are glad they took the elder into their home 10 hrs. while you work leaves a lot of hours with just the family and you need to sleep at night and have other obligations and a life -answer the questions above if any are no then do not bring him home it is very hard to undo it and if he stays in the nursing home you can always bring him home for a few hrs. or overnight or take him on an outing from time to time and will still be a big part of his life-caregiving all the time is usually too much for anyone and you need to put your family first.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You say that you have a nurse come into your home for 10 hours a day while you and your husband are at work......and after work, does your father feed himself, bathe himself, go to the potty by himself and move around by himself? If theanswer is yes to three out of four, then I would say that he could live with you at home. The big question here is , to be blunt, do you WANT him to live with you? Keep in mind that the life span of an elderly person is limited. He'll be gone someday and will you have regrets if you put him in a nursing home? I certainly would have regrets.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My father-in-law past away in February in a nursing home. Family issues continue to exist as well to the point we have an attorney. People can be very greedy, ugly, hateful when one passes away. I have told my Mom that she needs to make her will 'ironclad' after all my husband and I have gone through!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Janshoe, I really feel for you....It sounds like you are between the proverbial rock and a hard place. What you do is none of my business, but since you've come here to talk and maybe to hear ideas.....I want to tell you that I think that your husband's feelings deserve your consideration, by an edge, over your father's. There may be others here who disagree.....just offering my view, and maybe others will chime in with their perspectives. I just have a feeling that if your husband is upset now about the prospect of your father moving in with you, that those negative emotions of his would only get worse should your father move in. I can't imagine the tension that would be created in your household should that happen. It sounds like your finances permit your father being cared for in the nursing home. I think if I were you, I would have my father remain in the nursing home, and then visit him as often as I possibly could. If your father cried the whole time you were there this week, that would be so hard to see and take, I know. Could it be part of his Parkinson's disease that is causing this? If your schedule allows, you could visit your father a bit more than you have been, and perhaps bring him items of interest to share and talk about. Take him on walks ( wheelchair rides) around his complex where he lives. Maybe doing these things would help to boost his spirits. I think I would try to make the best of your current situation, with your father in the nursing home, and make that situation work out best for your father, you, and your husband.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Karen, I empathize with your son's feelings very well. From age 3-12, I lived with my single-parent mom who lived with her widowed mother who was looking after my 'old made' great aunt who was already senile. I was so glad to leave that house when my mother married again and I got some siblings. Add to this whole equation my mother emotionally spousifying me as her only child whom she adamantly did not want to be like his dad at all along with trying to make sure I never saw him again.

I could not even begin to imagine what my life would be like now and would have been like since 2004, if we had been trying to take care of my mother at home with my wife and I both on disability with bi-polar disorder, etc. and two very busy teenage boys who love to get away from house just to escape our own family drama from time to time!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

janshoe,

Karen has given you very good advice!
I would add that this is probably a very good time to seek out an objective third party like a therapist to discuss your marriage. Unless there are some healthy talked through boundaries for a marriage couple and for a family with children at home, taking an elderly person with serious medical needs into one's home will have a negative impact upon the marriage (unless the person is a martyr doormat) and upon the children.

I'm not saying this is true in your situation, but it could be and so often I've read stories here where it has been the case. A spouse, usually the wife, will speak of how isolated they feel. I've asked them, do you think you are the only one in the house who feels alone? Then I go on to ask them if it is possible that their spouse, usually the husband, feels lonely as well but may not be saying it with words or directly pinpointing it with words? I also ask if it just might be possible that their husabnd does not feel as married to them like they once did which often gets summed up as 'you seem more emotionally married to your parent than to me.' Sometimes we adult children emotionally switch gears back to being our parent's child without even realzing it, paricularly if we never really left home when we got married. I encourage all of us that we remember that while we are our parent's adult offspring, we are no longer their little kid. Our elderly often infirmed parents, our spouses, our children (if we have any), and our ownselves as well are not helped at all by an adult child functioning emotionally as if they were still their parent's little girl or boy.

Your dad probably is receiving a level of medical care with his problems that most likely is not realistically possible for you to do in your home. What does his doctor say about your dad's condition and where he is living? There must have been sound medical reasons for putting him there or else he would not be there. How long has your dad been in the nursing home?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You would have to have to most wonderful spouse in the world for it not to hurt your relationship. No matter how hard you or your family try it is not there fault for the way they feel or how having to deal with caring for a elder effects them or you. My son and I have been caring for my mom for years and he hates it . He wants me to put her in a home. But he is 20 now and comes and goes all he wants so it is better. But your spouse can't really do that. You will have to decide what is right for you , and your family and your elder. It is hard but just talk it out with everyone and pray. If you have young ones and your father- in- law needs lots of care take in account all the time that will be taken away from the kids. They are only young once.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

my father has parkinson's disease and is in a nursing home..He hates it there and would love to live with me BUT..my husband absolutely says NO...This has caused problems between me and my husband and i feel very resentful.....what to do?? I have been getting very depressed over all of this..tonight My dad cried the whole time I was visiting him...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

From what I've gleaned in reading numerous stories on this website is, keep them at home if:
1. they still have their marbles
2. are pleasant to be around (not demanding)
3. can agree to boundaries, and stay out of son/daughters personal business.
4. don't mind being left alone because they can entertain themselves.
5. don't mind the idea of a stranger looking after them when necessary.
Anyway, that's the short list I came up with.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It is very sad, to watch your parents decline, feeling helpless " to
fix it" and seeing the pain their issues cause them.
We put Dad in a nursing home to save our Mom. We had to choose
between Mom or Dad. His behavoir from his dementia was really
causing Mom to go down hill fast.( she has had 3 heart attacks
several yrs ago).
I am so glad you are making headway in getting and recieving info
so as to make a decision for your inlaws.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, though. With the new medicines they have now maybe it will be a very slow progression. And you will have many wonderful moments with
him. For my sister and I we hang on to those moments of clarity
that we see in Dad. they are wonderful!
Judy-jbtrfly
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions