What is the best approach for taking driving privileges and financial decisions from a parent that wont admit its time?

Follow
Share

Help with siblings having differing opinions on how to deal with stopping elderly parent from driving and doing finances. My mom has reached the point where she must be stopped from driving and taking care of her finances. We have three siblings involved, two live remote and one lives near. The one living near is oldest and has been staying with mom at nights for a couple years because mom is very afraid of dark. She stays from 6pm to 6am unless one of the other two are in town. When she comes in at 6pm she will prepare dinner , ask mom if she has taken her medicine and go into her room until she leaves for work the next day. She does take mom places on many of her days off. When either of other two are in town they spend the majority of time during day with mom. We all are close to agreement that mom needs to stop driving and she isn't capable of doing her finances. I say only close to agreement because the oldest sister agreed but then said well if she was just going a short distance to the same place it would be ok. That's not the issue I need help with. Two siblings agree that we need to take action and get things taken care of. One sibling wants to take it slowly and one step at a time, i.e. use her car while major repair being done and taking safe deposit box key. Geez I realize as I am typing this how ridiculous that sounds and that I need explain anymore. What is the best approach for taking driving privileges and financial decisions from a parent that wont admit its time? Second question is for advice on how to get through the differences between siblings without destroying family?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
6

Answers

Show:
The one living near gets a big say so because she sees and hears so much more. But if that one is actually deep in denial, not just wanting to make sure her burden of care does not increase to a point she can't handle it, a more objective comprehensive geriatric evaluation via a good center you can all go to could be a real help.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Safewright, Rainmom makes a good point... once Mom stops driving, that means someone else will need to step in and do all the driving. Hopefully it won't be the sibling who is already putting in 84 hours a week staying with Mom at night for the past couple of years.

Once my parents stopped driving, I volunteered to be their wheels. I had no clue that my parents wanted to get out of their house 2 to 3 times per day, yes, per day. That was difficult for me because I was still working full-time. Before I knew it, I used up all my vacation days and all my sick days.

One option is for Mom to hire a caregiver for a few hours a day, who is able to drive the client with approval from the Agency. If Mom hires someone not with an Agency, then Mom would need to add a workman's comp rider to her homeowner's insurance.

As for the finances, I had asked my Dad if he wouldn't mind if I helped him write out the checks and mail the bills. Dad was more than happy to let me take over all the finances. So I had all the financials transferred to my home address, so I wouldn't miss anything. My gosh, it turned into a part-time job getting everything filed and in order. So, which ever sibling is good with this type of work, let them take over with Mom's approval.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Any family member can ask for a driver re-examination for her. But first, does she actually have a license? South Carolina requires in person renewal after age 65, with a vision test. Over 5 points on her license would trigger a re-exam by DMV. Call SC DMV at 877-770-1778 for information.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sounds like the sibling that is staying with mom - and doing the majority of the caregiving that mom needs is afraid even more of her free time and freedom is going to be taken up with even more mom responsiblities. And you know what? I don't blame her a bit. Does she actually live with mom or is she trying to keep a place of her own? Who pays the bills at moms house? However- regardless of the answers to those questions - if you really want to keep the peace - be prepared with solutions as to who's gonna pick up the slack when the responsibilities you mentioned are taken from mom - and it shouldn't be the one who is already doing the heavy lifting. Unless this sibling offers to do it - and then you need to be prepared to draw up a legal caregivers contract and a fair way to pay/compensate her.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Well which sib has POA, they are the only one that has the ability to take over mom's finances so their opinion matters most. One would expect that the sib who lives with mom has a better understanding of her abilities than the two who see her less often. What is the reason you feel that mom shouldn't drive or handle her finances? Has she had accidents/dings on the care/close calls? Is she failing to pay bills or giving money to scammers?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This one is easier than you think. Depending on where you live, you can usually take steps so that the DMV takes away her license. I live in NY, I have 2 brothers who live in NJ. I am the primary caregiver and therefore, I feel that I get to make these major decisions. I was seeing first hand how bad it was getting. So - I got the form from the DMV - just tell them you are concerned that you need to take her license away because of safety reasons. Then - you take it to her doctor and have him/her fill it out. Schedule a regular physical and then ask them to do a cognitive assessment. Most likely, she will meet the criteria physically or cognitively. Your doc signs the form (this can be done without her knowledge), you send it in and voila! The state will send a letter asking her to come in for a driving assessment. My mom didn't even make it to the driving portion of the test. The big bad state takes the license away and you aren't the bad guy. I know this sounds underhanded but, if you don't take steps and she kills herself or, worse, someone else - can you live with it? I couldn't. Mom does not blame me at all and, your siblings don't really get a vote if they aren't the main go-to person. Be prepared to be doing a lot of driving for her though. good luck!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions