“I think it’s time to make a big change, but we don’t want to move to her house in So Cal.”
You also say that your Mom says that she doesn’t have enough money to make a change.
You can use the proceeds of the sale of her house to finance the move to Assisted Living or Memory Care. In no way do you have to move to her house. You both have lives and jobs.
Read the numerous posts from family members on this site who made what ended up becoming DISASTROUS moves into their parents’ homes.
Her mind is probably far worse than you think. It's possible you could "trick" her into things that would keep down the risks. Trick her into assisted living or memory care, for instance. Trick her into "visiting" you. It sounds brutal, but it also reduces the chance of some of the worst case scenarios if she's living alone and unsupervised. Speaking of worst case scenarios--you can't assume someone would immediately call you if your mother was hospitalized and unable to communicate. Even if you gave the neighbor your phone number, you can't assume the neighbor managed to get your phone number to the right person at the hospital. If they hospital can't contact anyone in your mother's family, their social work department will very quickly start the process for making your mother a ward of the state. Even if the neighbor called you right away, and you called the hospital right away and spoke to doctors, but you didn't speak to the social work department at the hospital, and no doctor told you that you should. Those kinds of worst case scenarios, where you would really wish you had tricked her into moving to your state.
I did not have to trick her, fortunately, I merely said I’m coming, get ready. Of course she really didn’t understand and has now been with us since End of October. It’s time for the next step, because I know I won’t be able to care for her if she becomes immobile, and I believe that may not be far off. Also, it’s not working for me to be the caregiver. Too many conflicts with her and I.
Rule #1 - do not move to SoCal to care for her. Rule #2 - do not have her move in with you and your husband.
That narrows your options to a) grit your teeth and see what happens or b) see about having her move to assisted living or memory care. The location could be either in her current area - which might be an easier transition from her - or near you in SD - which may be a harder sell. You don't give us much background on her current level of social activity, independence with ADLs, cooking, transportation etc. so it's hard to know the actual level of "supervision" that she needs.
In an Assisted Living she still maintains control over her "life" and will have access to the phone, QVC, going out with friends and living her life. An Assisted Living place will give you some eyes on her to alert you to further loss of skills and cognition. You could put some safeguards in place like the phone suggested earlier and parental locks for the TV stations she can watch. She may also be much more socially engaged with the activities and not need the social aspect of QVC (which is their total marketing strategy - conversational sell, friendly chat, making you feel like part of a special group. It was designed for lonely women.)
There is not going to be a single final answer in your situation, especially given her age at 86 and you really didn't mention medical issues so I'm assuming it's most dementia and memory so she could live a very long time. If you don't have access to good easy medical care in your location moving her there wouldn't be a good idea as she may end up needing multiple doctors and doctor visits. Where my dad is in assisted living (He's 101+ and I didn't finally get him to move there until he was 97!) they have a doctor that is available there in the facility. She comes every week and you can make an appointment just like at the doctor's office. The nurses will also call her in if they note anything. This is a Godsend and I don't really get involved in the day-to-day, just the follow-up chat with the doctor or nurses. My dad has very few medical problems so I've not needed to deal with things like multiple hospitalizations.
I'd start really evaluating your needs, options, and doing some reasearch on what's available and affordable It's better to be ready to make a decision than have the decision thrust on you at the worst possible time.
I'm guessing her use of the phone is another difficult issue, especially if she wants to "call my lawyer" or "call my friend at the bank," or if she's telling family and friends that you are harming her in some way or preventing her from doing things. I got my mother a special programmable phone, brand name is TeleCalm. It looks like a 1980's phone / answering machine unit, with a handheld receiver attaching by coiled cord to box with numbered push buttons. But instead of dialing an entire phone number, she only has to press one number to reach someone. You program in the numbers beforehand--your cell can be number 1, your sibling can be number 2, your sibling's spouse is number 3, etc. So you've limited the people she can dial out to. You don't put the number of the bank or the doctor or the lawyer in the phone! She might not resist this as much as you think. If she complains that she can't use the phone to call her lawyer, tell her the phone might need to be fixed. Just tell her that every time, see?
Humor her, and mourn the loss of the capable peer she used to be. You'll never be able to get her to see reason. She will never truly grasp how disabled she is and how much help she needs. You sure can't argue her out of memory loss. Don't ask her permission, just do what needs to be done as you take care of every last detail and every aspect of her life. Humor her in all the little ways that you probably know best--Agree with her. Tell her she looks great. Remind her of all her accomplishments. Look at photo albums of her glory days. Rehash old stories from her life where she was the one who did everything right and saved the day. Join her in criticizing the public figures she hates on TV and the newspaper. If you have time and she has some ability to focus, try to get her engaged in some kind of activity she will feel is meaningful: writing letters for political campaigns, making a news or personal scrapbook, making lists of worthy causes, church activities if she has a church. Churches are good because there are bound to be people there who are even worse off than she is, and she can be enlisted to "help" them in some small way, like handing out food donations. If she feels she is still important and valued, she might be more cooperative in the daily tasks like bathing and eating and not falling down the stairs. Meanwhile you will perhaps have a bit of breathing room to focus on your own needs for a moment, while you are working on the big financial and logistical projects. Don't let her go on social media or email unsupervised! She is very vulnerable to scams, including romance scams, or any scammer who seems to take her seriously, the way she takes herself seriously. Good luck, it's rough. My mother worked full time as a hospital administrator for 40 years. She used to translate French poetry for a hobby. Now she can't tell time or read a calendar. She can still say a few French phrases, though!
Since "stubbornness" is a personality trait, so it usually is not recognized as an early symptom of dementia. Dementia causes people to lose their abilities of reason, logic, sense of time, short-term memory, empathy for others, and inhibitions.
If you are your Mom's PoA and she lives with you, I would read your PoA doc to see what is required to activate your authority. It is usually 1 or 2 medical diagnosis of incapacity (cognitive/memory test done by her doctor). Once you satisfy this, you can make decisions for your Mom, whether she likes/agrees with them or not. The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the giver and receiver.
Teepa Snow has some very informative videos on YouTube. I learned a lot about how to interact with my LOs with dementia so that we had more productive and peace engagement. Learn about therapeutic fibs so help move her care forward.
Thank you for the info! I’ll check out Teepa Snow for sure. I have medical diagnoses now from MD. I’m dealing with personality as well as memory loss, sight and hearing loss. It’s me and my husband, in a small house, in a small town, on the plains of SD, were the nearest big hospital/medical clinics are two hours away and we both are still working. I think it’s time to make a big change, but we don’t want to move to her house in So Cal.
If mom can still control her life, then why is she living with you? If she wants autonomy, move her out and into Assisted Living or Memory Care Assisted Living where she'll have more control over every day decision making.
She thinks she can still control her life. She has been an elder abuse victim of the “come on” from QVC and has spent thousands in the past two years. Because she was believed to be capable of taking care of herself, now that she needs help, when I try talking to her about having someone come in, she says she can’t afford it!
You also say that your Mom says that she doesn’t have enough money to make a change.
You can use the proceeds of the sale of her house to finance the move to Assisted Living or Memory Care. In no way do you have to move to her house. You both have lives and jobs.
Read the numerous posts from family members on this site who made what ended up becoming DISASTROUS moves into their parents’ homes.
Rule #2 - do not have her move in with you and your husband.
That narrows your options to a) grit your teeth and see what happens or b) see about having her move to assisted living or memory care. The location could be either in her current area - which might be an easier transition from her - or near you in SD - which may be a harder sell. You don't give us much background on her current level of social activity, independence with ADLs, cooking, transportation etc. so it's hard to know the actual level of "supervision" that she needs.
In an Assisted Living she still maintains control over her "life" and will have access to the phone, QVC, going out with friends and living her life. An Assisted Living place will give you some eyes on her to alert you to further loss of skills and cognition. You could put some safeguards in place like the phone suggested earlier and parental locks for the TV stations she can watch. She may also be much more socially engaged with the activities and not need the social aspect of QVC (which is their total marketing strategy - conversational sell, friendly chat, making you feel like part of a special group. It was designed for lonely women.)
There is not going to be a single final answer in your situation, especially given her age at 86 and you really didn't mention medical issues so I'm assuming it's most dementia and memory so she could live a very long time. If you don't have access to good easy medical care in your location moving her there wouldn't be a good idea as she may end up needing multiple doctors and doctor visits. Where my dad is in assisted living (He's 101+ and I didn't finally get him to move there until he was 97!) they have a doctor that is available there in the facility. She comes every week and you can make an appointment just like at the doctor's office. The nurses will also call her in if they note anything. This is a Godsend and I don't really get involved in the day-to-day, just the follow-up chat with the doctor or nurses. My dad has very few medical problems so I've not needed to deal with things like multiple hospitalizations.
I'd start really evaluating your needs, options, and doing some reasearch on what's available and affordable It's better to be ready to make a decision than have the decision thrust on you at the worst possible time.
If you are your Mom's PoA and she lives with you, I would read your PoA doc to see what is required to activate your authority. It is usually 1 or 2 medical diagnosis of incapacity (cognitive/memory test done by her doctor). Once you satisfy this, you can make decisions for your Mom, whether she likes/agrees with them or not. The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the giver and receiver.
Teepa Snow has some very informative videos on YouTube. I learned a lot about how to interact with my LOs with dementia so that we had more productive and peace engagement. Learn about therapeutic fibs so help move her care forward.