Being the only caregiver to a grandparent. What am I supposed to do?

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So I am the main... basically only caregiver for my grandmother who is 72. I am 27 years old ... married with two kids I homeschool along with my cousins son. My grandmother needs someone who can be with her when she needs help ... she gets confused and is very depressed. She current lives in an independent living facility about 20 mins from me. She has three children all of which think that they don't need to help their mom. I'm stressed out... tired... aggravated and just want to tell my aunts and mom off.... but I can't because I'm afraid they would get mad at me... which they would.... Don't get me wrong I love my grandmother dearly and I don't mind helping out... but when I get called in the middle of our school day to help my grandmother with something because my mom is too lazy to get out of bed theres a problem. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking I can do everything... and if I say something to my mom she says well my grandmother will be find to stop helping her.. she is so blind and self centered she can't see whats wrong with her. I would move my grandmother in with me if I could but we don't have an extra room. My mom has an extra room but refuses to let her mom live with her... both my aunts have extra rooms but refuse. I've been looking into assisted living but my grandmothers SSI check won't cover all the expenses and her children refuse to help. I'm at a lost... .I am at the end of my rope... I feel like I am about to go crazy... what am I suppose to do.

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Hagermom, wow that is a huge change of heart. Here is what I am thinking, is your Mom ready to care for her own Mom for the next 5 years? What about 10 years? How about 15? Or until she is my own Mom's age of 98?

Here I was hoping that your Grandmother would be around people from her own generation and to make new BFF's while there. Let's see what happens. Keep us updated.
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I've discussed it a lot with mom ... and she seems to really have a change of heart... maybe she is finally getting compassion. Also her doc recommended a nursing home if she could no longer live alone and didn't have any family to live with... I think it may work out... we will just have to see... but she will have her own room and bathroom and she will have someone to cook for and thats what she has been missing since my grandpa died 4 years ago. And trust me I will check in often especially with her only being 5 mins away instead of 20+ ....
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Hagermom3557...I may be in the minority here, but I don't know that I'd be all that happy that your Mom & Dad have suddenly decided to take Grandma into their home. I mean, they certainly have been LESS than responsive to helping to care for her when she was at the IL. I'm left wondering just what kind of caregiving their going to give in the privacy of their own home. Not to mention, that I'm wondering just how long they're going to deal with it. You know how stressful caregiving is from your own experience. If they couldn't be bothered before, do you REALLY think they're going to deal with the stress you've been dealing with? I'm sure Grandma wasn't too happy about living in a nursing home but she's going to be even MORE upset if Mom & Dad welcome her into their home & then dump her 4 months from now because they can't deal with it. I know that you probably don't have a legal leg to stand on since you didn't mention anything about having Durable Power of Attorney, but I would seriously get Grandma's physician involved in this. He would not have recommended a nursing home if he didn't think she needed one & that caring for her adequately at home would be difficult, if not impossible.
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Another Update and a good one.... My mom and dad decided after discussing it for a couple days that they are going to let my grandmother move in with them. I guess after finding out she would be going to a nursing home my mom had a change of heart. I have been praying she would have a change of heart and God answered my prayer. My grandmother is over the moon. She is super excited. I am too because she will only be living about 5 minutes from me :) I told my mom I will still help by fixing my grandmothers meds and anything she needs help with but I think it is going to be okay :) ... they will have her moved in before the month is over.
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hagermon, thanks for the update. So glad you took your Grandmother to the doctor and he was upfront with you that she needs another layer of care.

Yes, having Grandmother in a continuing care facility will help with the stress, but you will need to schedule some visit times. Don't feel you need to visit her daily, schedule what you feel is right for you and your family. Anyway, your Grandmother will eventually make new friends and join in on the activities and might not have time for you at all :)

Let us know how you make out, and if you have any questions about nursing homes we are here for you.
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update: we visited her dr today and he suggested a nursing home since she ia having such a hard time living alone. So ive found out the steps to take in that process and i am visiting a few local ones soon .... Having someone care for her full time will take tons of stress off me.
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hagermom, please note that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, there is an article on this website regarding just that. At least your Aunt gave it a try and she couldn't deal with it.

Hands-on daily caregiving can be very exhausted because rarely are any of us trained to do this type of work. It's like dealing with a 130 lb toddler who is going backwards in development, instead of forward learning how to do things for themselves.

But remember, none of your relatives are willing to help because you are doing all the work.
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Thank you all for the advice.... the independent living doesnt offer much help.... her neighbor has evem reported her for talking too much.... since her strokes she has gotten really bad im going to the dr with her tomorrow to discuss her memory issues..... the thing is ive trid to ggive her kids an ol tamatum about not helping any more and thru say fine.. and none of them will help... i got in this after my aunt got tired of living with her and moved out and she needed help fixng her meds and she has progressively needed more help.... but they dont carr they only care aboit themselves....
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This is so true. Often times there are one or two who do all the running around, doctor appts., clothes shopping, holiday gifts and meals, bill paying, etc. and the others are just oblivious. They can't be relied upon or found in time of need, but wait until the loved one dies......they will be the first there with boxes to get whatever they can get. It's so bizarre.

There's nothing wrong with putting your foot down, but I have discovered that with many people, they just don't care. If you don't do it, it won't get done. That's why it's nice to have grandma somewhere that professionals can help her, if she needs it.
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hager, please get past worrying about getting your mom and the aunts mad at you. Sometimes in dealing with family matters, we have to accept that people will get mad when we dare to change the status quo.

Stay calm, state things in a businesslike manner. Tell them what you can and cannot do. Remember - you may be a young one in their eyes, but you are in fact an adult woman just like them, on equal footing. Don't let them use the "older, wiser, respect your elders" card to manipulate you into doing what they don't want to do.
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