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So I am the main... basically only caregiver for my grandmother who is 72. I am 27 years old ... married with two kids I homeschool along with my cousins son. My grandmother needs someone who can be with her when she needs help ... she gets confused and is very depressed. She current lives in an independent living facility about 20 mins from me. She has three children all of which think that they don't need to help their mom. I'm stressed out... tired... aggravated and just want to tell my aunts and mom off.... but I can't because I'm afraid they would get mad at me... which they would.... Don't get me wrong I love my grandmother dearly and I don't mind helping out... but when I get called in the middle of our school day to help my grandmother with something because my mom is too lazy to get out of bed theres a problem. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking I can do everything... and if I say something to my mom she says well my grandmother will be find to stop helping her.. she is so blind and self centered she can't see whats wrong with her. I would move my grandmother in with me if I could but we don't have an extra room. My mom has an extra room but refuses to let her mom live with her... both my aunts have extra rooms but refuse. I've been looking into assisted living but my grandmothers SSI check won't cover all the expenses and her children refuse to help. I'm at a lost... .I am at the end of my rope... I feel like I am about to go crazy... what am I suppose to do.

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Hagermom, wow that is a huge change of heart. Here is what I am thinking, is your Mom ready to care for her own Mom for the next 5 years? What about 10 years? How about 15? Or until she is my own Mom's age of 98?

Here I was hoping that your Grandmother would be around people from her own generation and to make new BFF's while there. Let's see what happens. Keep us updated.
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I've discussed it a lot with mom ... and she seems to really have a change of heart... maybe she is finally getting compassion. Also her doc recommended a nursing home if she could no longer live alone and didn't have any family to live with... I think it may work out... we will just have to see... but she will have her own room and bathroom and she will have someone to cook for and thats what she has been missing since my grandpa died 4 years ago. And trust me I will check in often especially with her only being 5 mins away instead of 20+ ....
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Hagermom3557...I may be in the minority here, but I don't know that I'd be all that happy that your Mom & Dad have suddenly decided to take Grandma into their home. I mean, they certainly have been LESS than responsive to helping to care for her when she was at the IL. I'm left wondering just what kind of caregiving their going to give in the privacy of their own home. Not to mention, that I'm wondering just how long they're going to deal with it. You know how stressful caregiving is from your own experience. If they couldn't be bothered before, do you REALLY think they're going to deal with the stress you've been dealing with? I'm sure Grandma wasn't too happy about living in a nursing home but she's going to be even MORE upset if Mom & Dad welcome her into their home & then dump her 4 months from now because they can't deal with it. I know that you probably don't have a legal leg to stand on since you didn't mention anything about having Durable Power of Attorney, but I would seriously get Grandma's physician involved in this. He would not have recommended a nursing home if he didn't think she needed one & that caring for her adequately at home would be difficult, if not impossible.
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Another Update and a good one.... My mom and dad decided after discussing it for a couple days that they are going to let my grandmother move in with them. I guess after finding out she would be going to a nursing home my mom had a change of heart. I have been praying she would have a change of heart and God answered my prayer. My grandmother is over the moon. She is super excited. I am too because she will only be living about 5 minutes from me :) I told my mom I will still help by fixing my grandmothers meds and anything she needs help with but I think it is going to be okay :) ... they will have her moved in before the month is over.
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hagermon, thanks for the update. So glad you took your Grandmother to the doctor and he was upfront with you that she needs another layer of care.

Yes, having Grandmother in a continuing care facility will help with the stress, but you will need to schedule some visit times. Don't feel you need to visit her daily, schedule what you feel is right for you and your family. Anyway, your Grandmother will eventually make new friends and join in on the activities and might not have time for you at all :)

Let us know how you make out, and if you have any questions about nursing homes we are here for you.
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update: we visited her dr today and he suggested a nursing home since she ia having such a hard time living alone. So ive found out the steps to take in that process and i am visiting a few local ones soon .... Having someone care for her full time will take tons of stress off me.
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hagermom, please note that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, there is an article on this website regarding just that. At least your Aunt gave it a try and she couldn't deal with it.

Hands-on daily caregiving can be very exhausted because rarely are any of us trained to do this type of work. It's like dealing with a 130 lb toddler who is going backwards in development, instead of forward learning how to do things for themselves.

But remember, none of your relatives are willing to help because you are doing all the work.
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Thank you all for the advice.... the independent living doesnt offer much help.... her neighbor has evem reported her for talking too much.... since her strokes she has gotten really bad im going to the dr with her tomorrow to discuss her memory issues..... the thing is ive trid to ggive her kids an ol tamatum about not helping any more and thru say fine.. and none of them will help... i got in this after my aunt got tired of living with her and moved out and she needed help fixng her meds and she has progressively needed more help.... but they dont carr they only care aboit themselves....
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This is so true. Often times there are one or two who do all the running around, doctor appts., clothes shopping, holiday gifts and meals, bill paying, etc. and the others are just oblivious. They can't be relied upon or found in time of need, but wait until the loved one dies......they will be the first there with boxes to get whatever they can get. It's so bizarre.

There's nothing wrong with putting your foot down, but I have discovered that with many people, they just don't care. If you don't do it, it won't get done. That's why it's nice to have grandma somewhere that professionals can help her, if she needs it.
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hager, please get past worrying about getting your mom and the aunts mad at you. Sometimes in dealing with family matters, we have to accept that people will get mad when we dare to change the status quo.

Stay calm, state things in a businesslike manner. Tell them what you can and cannot do. Remember - you may be a young one in their eyes, but you are in fact an adult woman just like them, on equal footing. Don't let them use the "older, wiser, respect your elders" card to manipulate you into doing what they don't want to do.
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I just read your profile which states that you're caring for your grandmother at independent living. I thought she was in your home? If she's in IL, that's all the more reason to back out - she has support there, and if it's not enough, she can move up to AL.

Check with the admins at the IL place where she's living and ask about transferring to AL.
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FF makes a good point. I'm 71 and I'm still the caregiver, not the cared for recipient. Maybe Grandma doesn't need as much help as she thinks...or wants?

Perhaps another positive solution to keep family relations comfortable for Grandma is to ask the rest of the family to help create visiting plans - not anything so rigid it's unworkable, but just so that Grandma isn't alone and has company of other family members.
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You asked what you're supposed to do. I'm going to offer some suggestions, and I am being very frank to make a point.

1. Ask yourself, frankly, why and how you undertook this responsibility. It's clear from your post that you were the only one willing. Why is this?

2. Nothing's going to change until you decide you want it to, and take steps to make it happen.

3. Follow Sunny's suggestion and check out AL.

4. You can also advise your mother and the aunts that you're no longer going to do this, that you're taking steps to get GM on Medicaid and find an AL place that's convenient so ALL OF THEM can visit. If they disagree, advise them that you're terminating your services on a given date and they should step in to make alternate arrangements.

5. Don't back down. If you do, you'll never get out of this situation.

6. Read the GlassHalfFull's post "Our own "workshop" on setting boundaries" at https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/own-workshop-on-setting-boundaries-187549.htm

The biggest key to finding a solution to this situation is to know how it happened, how you became the sole caregiver and why, and what do you need to know about yourself and the family dynamics to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Good luck, and have confidence in yourself that you can effect a change.
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Hagermom, in the meantime learn to say "no, I can't possibly do that" over and over out loud so it will be common place for those times that you cannot drop what you are doing to help your Grandmother. You already have a full plate with young children at home that you are home schooling.

By the way, 72 is very young for someone to need a lot of help unless there are serious medical issues going on. You wrote that your Grandmother gets confused, that sounds like the start of Alzheimer's/Dementia and if that is the case then she will need an extra layer of care, such as Sunnygirl had mentioned above, Assisted Living. And before you know it, your mother and aunts will want you to take care of themselves, too... be ready with that phase noted above.
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It's not likely you can get those who don't want to help to really be of any real assistance, so I don't think I would waste my time on them.

Do you have your grandmother's Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, and a Living Will? I'd work on getting those things so she can be helped when she's not able. It's problematic if you don't have them on hand.

SHE MAY be able to still get into Assisted Living in NC. That's where your profile says you are located. NC has Special Assistance for those in need of Assisted Living and if they qualify. The income and asset qualifications are like that of Medicaid, but they only have a 3 year look back period. You do have to qualify to be in need of Assisted Living, such as being disabled or needing help with bathing, meals, hygiene, medication, etc. A doctor completes the form, but someone from an Assisted Living facility can do it too, I think.

If she could get into Assisted Living, there would be a lot more support for her around the clock and maybe then you could visit when possible and not have to drop things to go and assist grandmother. Your visits could be planned and you wouldn't be so stressed.

Here's a link with information.

http://www.ncdhhs.gov/assistance/adult-services/state-county-special-assistance
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