ekpd49 -- marriage was a bit rocky before FIL moved in? I can imagine this hasn't helped a thing. Have you sought marriage counseling? Do you intend to? Is the marriage worth saving? You have grown children. Presumably you have been through a lot together. This straw that is breaking the camel's back of your marriage -- could it be a wakeup call that it is really time to work on that relationship? Could something good come of this?
I don't imagine your sanity is at its most stable right now. Your Dad died. Your mother is ill and needs some of your attention. Those facts in themselves would be very difficult to deal with. And just when you need a steadying and supportive hand as you mourn and cope, you have another person to deal with and your marriage goes from rocky to tatters. Oh you poor dear! Seriously, the stress level here must be off the chart.
I suggest not doing anything permanent right now. Too much stress to decide things calmly. But what if you took a three month break from the entire situation? (Could you arrange that at work?) Vist your mother for a few weeks. Go off and visit one of your children. Go back and see how Mom is doing. On to another child, etc. Dealing with his father alone may be eye-opening for your husband. Being separated may give you each time to consider the value of your marriage and what you want to to about it.
P.S., no, I don't think that you are being selfish (is someone suggesting that you are?)
You are trying to balance the needs of your other family members, your FIL, your husband and your own well-being.
I'm very curious about two things. You say that bringing FIL to your home got him better therapy, less cost after his fall. I don't know how that works out, because wouldn't inpatient rehab (therapy 2 day some places) be paid for by Medicare? I know that the rehab that my mom got inpatient was a whole different animal from what she'd gotten at home.
You seem to be very concerned about your husband's well-being. (He would have no time to himself?). It seems to me that you could stand to be a little MORE selfish at this point.
Caregiving is a balancing act. FIL is 100. A friend of my mom's passed recently, at 106. Can you do this for another 6 years? Think of how to make it bearable and do - able for 6 years. Is that Al, respite care, Adult Day care? You state you want to move? How about moving closer to your family, into a small apartment. Dad can go to an AL nearby.
It sounds as though FIL moving in was a decision made hastily when it looked like he was near death. That part of the equation has changed, and your plans need to change as well.
Generally, selfishness has nothing to do with it - what you are probably experiencing is the dawn of reality. We all have lovely cuddly ideas about opening up our arms and our homes but in very short order the romance wears off. So you'll get nothing but sympathy from me: could you say a little more about what the situation is?
Ek, what are FIL ' S finances like? Are you being paid for caregiving? (I'm assuming you are not working outside the home, if I'm wrong correct me). Are you using FIL ' S funds to pay outside caregivers?
You state your husband won't permit his father to go to a lovely well kept Assisted Living facility, but DOES allow his wife to be driven to the brink of insanity and divorce. Hmmm. I think I'd take that as an invitation to go visit a lawyer to talk about what the terms of the divorce would be.
Does your husband realize you are unhappy with this situation?
Your first responsibility is to your spouse and children if applicable. Especially if you don't own a guest house and have a nurse to care for him. These are all things that should have been worked out years ago. We are all getting older and we should all have a plan and that plan should not include imposing on our children and potentially destroying their lives. You are absolutely not being selfish 10 months is more than most people would stand for. Of course, without knowing much about his disposition and special needs if any, 10 months may have been a very long time, I hope that isn't the case, no matter what it's time for a change or you would not have made this post and I certainly would expect your spouse to understand this. I'm sure you did not sign up for this when you married him / her. if you have read any of my posts, I'm sure I sound severe, but my barometer is what would I do to my children and I would absolutely never impose upon any of them. I want to give to them not take from them. I did not bring my children into this world to have indentured servants later on. I wish you the best.
ekpd49, Your mother is sick. What would your husband think about her coming to live with you? I raise this as a discussion point, not as suggestion.
Who would care for FIL when hubby is at work? And he would never get any time to himself? That is kind of the point. Let Hubby experience what you experience and see if he still insists FIL is not going to a facility. His plan only works if you do the role he has assigned you. Is this a role you are comfortable with? Doesn't seem so.
I had my dad with me for 15 months while also taking care of a son who has autism and seizures. I could not do both and the stress got too much for me. I do not feel guilty at all about my father now living in an assisted living facility near me which is much more appropriate for his needs. Neither of my parents took care of their parents and that is how I won the argument with my dad that he had no right to feel entitled to my taking care of him 24/7. I still am in charge of my dad's finances, doctor visits, etc., etc. but my husband and I and my son have our own space to breathe and be a family.
Ok will try to summarize the situation: FIL is 100 years old; very good health aside from balance (walker dependent) and visual limitations. No dementia though some recent minor changes. . My husband is only child; we live 800 miles away; frequent trips to visit FIL had become more frequent (no family vacations for past 5 years) FIL had been living alone in own home until he fell and broke his pelvis, needed 24 hour supervision for recovery. Rather than put him in facility in his locale, we moved him to our home for convenience, better care and cost. Really thought he was on his way out after the fall. TLC from us; three meals/day; change in diet to stabilize digestion....healthy as a horse today. We are in our 60s; planning to retire soon and move closer to my extended family until now. He can dress, toilet and ambulate without assistance (needs bathing help). BUT needs 24/7 supervision due to balance and insistance on doing exactly what we tell him not to do for safety reasons. We have baby gates up at night to keep him from wandering around house in dark; many conversations about rules etc. Very manipulative and controlling; all meals etc on his schedule or he gets mad. His bedroom and bathroom are on main floor adjacent to family room so we have essentially lost the use of that room and bathroom. Cannot leave the house together; cannot entertain; have to coordinate all of our required activities (work/meetings etc - I have dropped out of several organizations where I played a key role due to scheduling conflicts). We have three grown children in various parts of the country who are very supportive but cannot come relieve us. Husband won't put him in a facility. Will hire home health care when absoultely necessary (very expensive) (Did I mention all this happened at the exact same time that my dad was hospitalized and subsequently died - in another state; my mother is not well; I have had to - and want to - be with my family off and on during the past 10 months) Am sure there is much much more, but perhaps that gives you some background for my question. Marriage was already a bit rocky - now is kind of in fragments. Sanity is.....???
I agree with Jean Gibbs, and I must say I have found this site to be a very warm and fuzzy place and I think if you continue to read on, you will agree with me. These people actually take the time to listen and we are all in the same boat to some degree. Your situation sounds extraodinarily difficult and I believe it's time for you to either have a sit down with your spouse and pour your heart out, or as Jean says, get away for a little while. be creative there are usually ways around things if you try hard enough. like someone said to me, sad as it is fil will not live forever...none of us will which is why it is vitally important to live our best possible life. Hopefully your marriage will outlast this sad situation. try to remember that your children and your husband are your first priority.and you should be your husband's first priority. I didn't make the rules, but I plan to live by them.I wish you all the best and I will pray for resolution that suits you and yours.
bye-bye, this site is here to give honest reactions to each other's situations. We are sad to think you were offended. Your life is hard enough. Please see the love and concern beyond suggestions and ideas that we have. You don't have to change a thing, but sometimes other people looking in can see things that you find hard to accept. Change is hard. You can keep everything the same but sounds like you really don't want that either. I pray for your strength to try something one shift different. Life has a way of resolving things for us if we dare to step bravely forward in some way: minuscule or major.
You might even try a marriage counselor or go to one for your own growth.
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I don't imagine your sanity is at its most stable right now. Your Dad died. Your mother is ill and needs some of your attention. Those facts in themselves would be very difficult to deal with. And just when you need a steadying and supportive hand as you mourn and cope, you have another person to deal with and your marriage goes from rocky to tatters. Oh you poor dear! Seriously, the stress level here must be off the chart.
I suggest not doing anything permanent right now. Too much stress to decide things calmly. But what if you took a three month break from the entire situation? (Could you arrange that at work?) Vist your mother for a few weeks. Go off and visit one of your children. Go back and see how Mom is doing. On to another child, etc. Dealing with his father alone may be eye-opening for your husband. Being separated may give you each time to consider the value of your marriage and what you want to to about it.
You are not selfish.
You are trying to balance the needs of your other family members, your FIL, your husband and your own well-being.
I'm very curious about two things. You say that bringing FIL to your home got him better therapy, less cost after his fall. I don't know how that works out, because wouldn't inpatient rehab (therapy 2 day some places) be paid for by Medicare? I know that the rehab that my mom got inpatient was a whole different animal from what she'd gotten at home.
You seem to be very concerned about your husband's well-being. (He would have no time to himself?). It seems to me that you could stand to be a little MORE selfish at this point.
Caregiving is a balancing act. FIL is 100. A friend of my mom's passed recently, at 106. Can you do this for another 6 years? Think of how to make it bearable and do - able for 6 years. Is that Al, respite care, Adult Day care? You state you want to move? How about moving closer to your family, into a small apartment. Dad can go to an AL nearby.
It sounds as though FIL moving in was a decision made hastily when it looked like he was near death. That part of the equation has changed, and your plans need to change as well.
You state your husband won't permit his father to go to a lovely well kept Assisted Living facility, but DOES allow his wife to be driven to the brink of insanity and divorce. Hmmm. I think I'd take that as an invitation to go visit a lawyer to talk about what the terms of the divorce would be.
Does your husband realize you are unhappy with this situation?
Who would care for FIL when hubby is at work? And he would never get any time to himself? That is kind of the point. Let Hubby experience what you experience and see if he still insists FIL is not going to a facility. His plan only works if you do the role he has assigned you. Is this a role you are comfortable with? Doesn't seem so.
We are in our 60s; planning to retire soon and move closer to my extended family until now. He can dress, toilet and ambulate without assistance (needs bathing help). BUT needs 24/7 supervision due to balance and insistance on doing exactly what we tell him not to do for safety reasons. We have baby gates up at night to keep him from wandering around house in dark; many conversations about rules etc. Very manipulative and controlling; all meals etc on his schedule or he gets mad. His bedroom and bathroom are on main floor adjacent to family room so we have essentially lost the use of that room and bathroom.
Cannot leave the house together; cannot entertain; have to coordinate all of our required activities (work/meetings etc - I have dropped out of several organizations where I played a key role due to scheduling conflicts).
We have three grown children in various parts of the country who are very supportive but cannot come relieve us.
Husband won't put him in a facility. Will hire home health care when absoultely necessary (very expensive) (Did I mention all this happened at the exact same time that my dad was hospitalized and subsequently died - in another state; my mother is not well; I have had to - and want to - be with my family off and on during the past 10 months)
Am sure there is much much more, but perhaps that gives you some background for my question. Marriage was already a bit rocky - now is kind of in fragments. Sanity is.....???
You might even try a marriage counselor or go to one for your own growth.
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