Am I being selfish if I go on this trip?

I will share with you a true story about what a friend of mine, Em, did when her mother had Alzheimer's, was living in a nursing home, and 95 or 96 years old.

Em planned and paid for a cruise for her family (three state rooms) for her 50th wedding anniversary. It was a joyous occasion. She told the nursing home that if her mother died while she was on the cruise that she wanted her "put on ice" and she would make arrangements upon her return.

She went on the cruise, her mother lived for another three years, cheating death five or six times along the way, and Em still talks about that cruise with her family.

Life is for the living. That has always been Em's perspective. Sadly, Em's husband died suddenly a few months after the cruise. Em recently downsized into a new house and is planning bilateral knee replacement because she plans on living each day to its fullest.

I gave up going on a day trip to another state when Mom was on hospice but that was mostly because I was her only caregiver on weekends. If she was in a facility or if I had a caregiver lined up, I would have most likely gone. It turns out she died that day but it could have easily gone the other way and she could have lingered. You can't put your life on hold forever. If you know that you have done everything right while she was cognitive, don't feel guilt about not being there when she doesn't even know you are there.

Flashpoint, whatever you decide to do, and whatever the outcome, you will wish you did the opposite... that's just human nature.

In two weeks you will know more about your Mom's condition to help you gauge what would be your choice, to stay or to go.

Anniversaries are a great milestone, but if you missed it would you feel guilty? You would be able to forgive yourself. Could someone set up a Skype so you could feel like you are part of party without being there? Why I say this, would you be able to enjoy yourself being away or would your mind be overwhelmed worrying about Mom, and double checking your cellphone every few minutes?

You should go. I care for both of my aging parents (dad, 84 in long term care; mom 83 at home and fairly independent but has stage IV colon cancer with chemo every other week which I attend faithfully with her. Thank goodness for an understanding employer).

For the past 2 years outside of working, my job has been to be close by "in case" something happens, with my dad falling & breaking his hip in January & being in facilities since I really felt my life would be on hold, not complaining, just saying:). I ended up doing weekend trips every weekend from the last in April through May and everyone was fine! I'm so glad I went because each trip I NEEDED since I've been so focused on being a caregiver. Life is for living, go visit with your family & enjoy it.

I have decided to go on this trip. After reading your responses, I know it is what mom would want me to do. I know her well, and she would never want me to stay home and miss this chance. Life is for the living. She would feel this way too. I just never thought about what she would want before reading your thoughts. She is in a very good facility. The hospice team has high praise for it and I like everyone who works there. I know she is in good hands. I feel so much better now. I can't thank you all enough for your input. Bless you all!!!

I have cared for my mother and aunts for the last 20 years, and now it's just my mother. She is 90 years old, and my husband and I make arrangements for her to be cared for by a dear friend whenever we're gone. I have the same feeling any time we go anywhere, and nothing has happened any of the times we have traveled. My sons and their wives also check in on her and take her out. It's hard to know when anything will or won't happen, so go and enjoy your life. You have done everything right and shouldn't blame yourself if she passes while you're away. Whatever happens, whether you're there or not, is beyond your control. Best wishes and safe travels! :)

Please go. Life is for the living. I am sure (hoping anyway) that your mom would want you to go and enjoy yourself.
We had my mother's funeral prepaid. Hoping you do too so in the event something happens that is taken care of.
Who's to say you are going to be there when she passes even if you stay home?

Go.

Can't the Hospice workers give you some input about how they view her condition? I've read that they may know the signs of whether a person is likely to have months or days. Of course, it's not a precise thing, but, if you really want to attend the Anniversary event, which sounds like a very momentous occasion, I'd consider it.

I agree with the consensus. Those who care for their ageing parents need a break to nourish themselves (for a change). Go.