We are being played. Is it wrong for me to call them out on it?

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My MIL broke her hip in May. I offered to take her in after PT at NH. Over the past few months, she has manipulated almost everyone into disliking her husband and making him look like the bad guy. My husband was finally fed up with him after she had a gall bladder attack and is in the hospital. He sat him down and had a talk with him and found out she has been playing us with her actions. Now with all the stress we have had, we are both fed up with it. I want to call them both out on their actions after she gets back. Am I being to harsh? We have put our lives on hold for the two of them, and are sick of it.

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PS. TELL YOUR FIL that he needs to start making arrangements getting help, hospital bed in, portable toilet set up -- whatever AT HIS HOUSE. Tell him you'll help make calls and get it set up -- BUT SHE IS NOT RECUPERATING THIS TIME AT YOUR HOUSE! Stand tall; you won't regret it. Why should you be inconvenienced; FIL is the caregiver and if he can't do, he can sure as heck hire all the help he needs within 24 hrs. I called for nurse one day and had someone sent over that evening from a licenced Agency. He can too.
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Step away from the fire. Agree with posters, "calling them/her out on it" will do no good and only increase your frustration when she makes you feel like you are the crazy one or "boo hoo you hurt our poor old feelings".

Been there. Set your boundaries. Let them return home or whatever and put them in touch with Senior Center and local Center for Aging for resources they may need now or in the future. Don't rush in to help. When they try to suck you into their crisis -- just send them to their doctor or hospital and let the experts deal with it. STOP letting them visit. Make excuses. Only visit them at their house or hospital or whatever for short visits.

Only you can let them play you. I've been there and giving you the benefit of my experience.
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I agree with the posters here that have said...stop being a door mat. Send them home.

Just tell FILmthat she is moving back to her home directly from the hospital. Not coming to your house at all.

You cannot be a door mat if you won't lay down for it.
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Thankful for a place to vent, so glad I found this sight. My husband is so ready for his parents to be back to living together in their own home. Since she went to the NH on Friday, he has only made one trip to see her and only called her once. Big difference from when she broke her hip and was in the hospital in another state. He made sure to call her every night and we would travel almost every weekend to see her. Needless to say, we didn't have much of a summer. And Lord help us if he didn't get her called, she would call him. I should have seen it then how she was, but I had blinders on. We would even have to tell her the night before if he wasn't going to call when we had other obligations to take care of.
So now here I stand, waiting for her to be back here for maybe a week or two, until her husband has the house ready. I'm tired of picking up after all of them, tired of her manipulation, and I am not going to do it much longer. One of their sons literally live 2 blocks away from their home, but is the most distant from them. But yet he "doesn't want her home alone ". Well then he can deal with that when she gets home. She is capable of being home alone and doing for herself. Or she will shortly.
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Good for you! I agree how they feel about you isn't the primary concern. If the son and DIL aren't adept enough to keep her with the pt until she is truly able to care for herself then they will soon learn AND begin to understand a little more about what it takes to deal with mom at this stage in her life. Thanks for the update.
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So I was re-reading the posts, and actually had to chuckle at Veronica91's post. My husband and I are both retired firefighters/EMTs. Lol so we would actually run towards the fire instead of away! Maybe that is why we put up their actions, gluttons for punishment when people are in need of help.
I do have an update on the in laws, other family members have finally stepped up. MIL is in NH in the next town (30 minutes away), where another son and DIL live. I put them down as contacts since they live in same town. Also, her nephew and his boyfriend who are professional carpenters, went to MIL home and built new railing on steps. One step closer to her being able to go home. Her home is 3 hours away, so we cannot just go there to prepare their home for her return. FIL is 80 YO and is still driving semi. So he is not home much, hence her anger towards him. We have informed other family members what exactly is going on, so they are prepared for whatever may come when she goes home. It is understood now that she will be going home as soon as possible and that FIL may have to be home more often. And at the least I do believe that I have all 4 of her boys either hating me, (which I don't care), or understanding that she must do things for herself and quit waiting on her hand and foot.
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A broken hip in May should be pretty well mended by now. Along with the neurologist ask for pt evaluation while in hospital and see if she needs a round of pt in HER home OR back in rehab when she leaves the hospital. Home health can come in and help her with a bath if needed. Your post sounds like you've gotten well off the aftercare program and into personal business she needs to be at her own home resolving with her husband. Why would she be coming back to your home? That part is confusing to me. Have her husband come pick up her things so she has everything she needs when she gets home. Hopefully you and your husband are on the same page. Refocus on her physical care and her resources through Medicare. Good luck. 90 days of a visitor in your home is very stressful without the drama of who sleeps where.
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I think I would say you and your husband are being played *to.* You are the audience, your MIL and her husband the performers - or more or less willing participants in the drama, as the case may be.

They both need some practical help by the sound of it; it most certainly does not need to come from you or your husband. Follow Jeannegibbs's directions back to sanity.
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Does it really matter who suggested the single bedrooms, that is between the couple. Sounds like six to one half a dozen the other. This couple has been together for many years and are used to and understand each others behavior so calling them out is certainly a waste of breath. As has been suggested simply don't take MIL back into your home. if she needs it she should be eligible for rehab and after that it is up to them. You say MIL is competent and not old so she can make the phone calls. FIL sounds as though he is still working. it is perfectly understandable that he should want to chill in his own home over the W/E and it does not matter that he tells little white lies. He has learned how to protect himself and it sounds as though MIL could care less.
Now where does this leave you and hubby? They are his parents after all so he has to step up to the plate and take responsibility assuming your marriage is not already teetering on the rocks. If it is that is a separate issue and one the two of you have to resolve. So MIL will black ball you for ever, doesn't matter she is doing a pretty good job now. The only way to escape a toxic situation is to step away from it. You have done what you can. If your house was on fire would you stand close by and inhale the fumes? No, I think not you would run in the opposite direction unless there was someone near and dear who needed to be rescued. Well MIL is neither near or dear and perfectly capable of rescuing herself so RUN.
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If she really is mentally sound, what the heck are you doing putting your lives on hold? Set a deadline for her to return home. If they need help arranging for care, offer to provide it (not the care, just help arranging it!) Otherwise let her and her husband make the arrangements themselves.

If she is a "victim" in her marriage, ask if she wants help ending the marriage and arrange for her to speak to a lawyer. Again, if she needs help finding in-home help or a care center after that, offer to help her arrange it.

I'm all in favor of adult children providing reasonable help to their parents. In this case I think that would be for your husband to help his mother find appropriate ways to be on her own, with or without her husband.
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