I'm being harassed by the man I take care of, what would you do?

$180 for 24 hours is only $7.50 per hour. Your disabled son should be getting SSDI. You could be collecting on your husband's SS and still earn some money to make ends meet. That would be a whole lot healthier than what you are doing now. If I were you I would resign in writing and state why. I just wish there was some way you could alert the next victim.

Sweetwitch, curious what did you decide to do regarding this work situation.

Despite being a good link, when testing I cannot get to the link I just posted.

Trying again.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/moving-to-assisted-living-facility-141370.htm

According to this post (https://www.agingcare.com/questions/moving-to-assisted-living-facility-141370.htm) she has a sister as well as a mother who apparently is living at home. Perhaps she moved in with them.

Regardless, I would like to get an update from her to see how she handled the situation and what the outcome was.

Unless you want to be a prostitute, find another job. You will have peace of mind without giving out one piece! Tell his wife anyway. If she has been married to him long enough she has "divorce" options taking one-half or more of that money. As a doctor he knows better and threaten him with a harassment suit for physically touching you. Ultimately my dear, only you know how you feel and how much of this abuse (yes abuse) you can take.

You know, perhaps the undesirable effects of some SSRI antidepressants (such as prozac) diminish sexual drive........?

You know, we are all assuming the wife knows, but she may not. I mean she might be wondering why on earth she can't keep good help. And medical attention for this behavior could actually change things. It does not sound tolerable and the reality is if the person is cognitive enough and you keep refusing, they could turn around and accuse you of impropriety just to get even or to get another chance to ft someone willing to put up with it.

Hi Sweetwitch. I’m going to wax philosophical on you.
There comes a time when we have to stop running. Otherwise, the same problem keeps coming back to us in one form or another.
This is your opportunity for inner growth. Is there a pattern in your life of being bullied? The bullies will keep coming at you, until you learn to stand up to them.
I’m not talking about fighting. And I’m not talking about pushing them away with negative energy. Negativity (fear, anger, feelings of desperation) attracts negative energy. You counter obstacles with positive energy: self esteem, strength, compassion toward yourself and others.
Channel your inner nanny. What would Mary Poppins or the Supernanny do? Both are loving characters, but no one bullies them. You can be strong and loving at the same time. Humor is a great healer. Use it to your advantage, internally when you need it, and outwardly when you can.
There is the possibility that your patient is feeling his mortality and is scared, and acts out his fear in inappropriate ways. Then again, he might be laughing death in the face. But if he needs a penis pump, well, ED is a traumatic event to men. Artificial means of acquiring an erection aren’t the same as healthy natural sexuality. ED is a symptom of cardiovascular problems (to include circulation), and circulation is important for the brain. At his age, I’d imagine he at least is undergoing cognitive decline.
Just as an FYI: With dementia (including the hippocampus-sparing kind), sometimes the “ID” comes out. A small man might exhibit the worst of the small-man’s complex. A sexually repressed man might become, or try to be, overly sexual. Who your patient was in his youth, and who is now, might not be the same (or perhaps, different layers of the individual may be emerging).
Lack of dietary fat can affect the mind and mood. Perhaps you are prohibited from giving your patient dietary fats. But make sure you are getting them! Put a tablespoon of coconut oil on your oatmeal or toast. Eat raw nuts. Replace margarine with pure natural butter. You need your mood and mind strong to take on challenges. (Plus, raising the fats and lowering the carbohydrates can help with weight loss.)
Lastly, look up the ketogenic diet. I’m not saying you have to go “keto.” But you can learn about the benefits of good fats. YouTube has some great info on it. Check out Drs. Jeff Volek, Stephen Phinney, and Eric Westman on YouTube.
Walk in beauty,
Lilacalani

If he doesn't have dementia, then this is sexual harassment in the workplace. He's 94, so I'm sure he's operated like this all his life. Wife probably looks the other way.
Sometimes it's possible to take action ONCE, and establish that you won't tolerate the b.s. Sometimes it becomes a back and forth nonstop battle. If you think you can exert enough assertive energy (as Cesar Milan the Dog Whisperer says!), then tell him with complete seriousness, that you'll call his dr. Immediately for a neuro/psych eval, because he's exhibiting signs of dementia. Say it with complete conviction, to his face--don't sugarcoat it or soften your voice. I think with an ego as big as his, he'll be flabbergasted. And maybe he'll stop. Maybe your job won't last much longer. I think it's worth trying though. At the very least, you will have stood up for yourself, and that skill will carry you farther in life than anything else. Good luck!

Money may not be "everything" but it sure is an important and necessary consideration especially when you have to care for another person with a disability. So! Take a look at the situation: When does he make these moves? I would not outright tell his wife of his advances, but perhaps allude to the fact you feel uncomfortable being alone in his presence. Try to have someone there with you at all times. You son perhaps? Chances are this guy thinks he can take advantage of you because of your limited finances which limits a lot - like hotel rooms, quitting a good paying job, having a car, etc. Get very professional with him - always with a smile and tell him you do not appreciate his advances, find them awkward, especially coming from a married man. I liked the uniform idea. Get something that looks nice but is modest - get 2 or 3 of the same conservative outfit and wear it every day. Put your hair up or wear a scarf. If you want this job and it sounds like you both need and want it, you have to take control and put an end to this "silliness" of his....and TELL HIM SO!

I was thinking about it and agree that it is more about power than about sex. He gets a kick out of making you uncomfortable. This is how he controls you and basically bullies you. The way to deal with bullies is to turn the tables on them and stand up to them one way or another. Let him know that his intimidation is not working on you. Make a joke of it or whatever works for you. "That old thing again", "Can't you do better than that" and so on. Take charge of your own reactions, don't show fear," I was in a situation where someone who had lost his temper and had destroyed some things in the house, was coming at me. I walked over to the phone, put my hand on the receiver (in those day) and said "One step closer and I call the cops." He stopped in his tracks. This is why I suggested above contacting an agency and getting some ideas. Then you are being proactive on your own behalf - not just the victim.

Sweetwitch, what's the situation? Have you left?

Thank you lilacalani...

I'd recommend role reversal. Instead of seeing him as a rich powerful elder and you his oppressed employee, see him as a naughty toddler and you his strong nanny (with his wife your employer). Visualize him with diapers on--that might even make you laugh inside. When he gets angry, see him as a child throwing a temper tantrum. Be dignified but firm. You are a woman of power. Claim your power.

Depending on the State law, it could be illegal to video tape someone in their own home without the homeowner's consent. Those States that allow video tape may not allow audio to be recorded.

continued. Then you'll know if he "knows" better, or is being affected by dementia. If it's dementia, then you can adjust from there. But having him pity your situation and him offereing to help you, sounds like you may have opened the door to the inappropriate behavoir. NOT that it's exuseable, however, we need to maintain professional boundaries if we're going to demand being treated/paid like professionals. Make sure YOUR side of the situation is clean.

Dementia or not, this man is from an era where men did what they want, especialy a wealthy one. GET HIM ON VIDEO TAPE. Then tell him you will sue for harassment if it doesn't stop. keep a copy offsite, with a trusted friend or family member. Show him the video if need be. He'll change his tune. Changing jobs just puts another woman in your position and you are out of a good job. Your cell phone, a nanny cam. whatever you need to get proof.

Maybe the wife is the one who wants him to have a caregiver he can chase after - then he'll leave her alone. I would assume that they've been married for quite some time - maybe she's just had enough.

No suit, absolutely no pepper spray. Just look for a new job.
You can talk to the wife, she probably knows and looks the other way. Be ready to leave if you decide to engage the wife.
He has probably been lecherous all his life, but at this stage he is not responsible for his actions......you are for yours. If the money and convenience is sufficient to put up with an occasional grope, you would not be the first person to do so. Do lock your doors at night. He may be highly obnoxious, but at his age I cannot imagine he is much of a threat....I assume you could fend him off if you had to.

Good luck,.

The suggestions above about having his wife in the room are good.... but if that doesn't help the situation, then I would resign.

I wouldn't contact the police since this gentleman is a prominent physician [not that should make any difference] but in some circle it would become a "he said - she said" situation. You don't want to damage your reputation if you find some people will believe him over you, even though it is 100% his fault.

I think the suggestion to tell his wife and ask her to be in the room every time you are there is a good one, if you want to try to keep the job. Quitting is also a good option. I don't think you are overreacting.

You might contact an abused women's shelter, social services, your local agency on aging, and/or the police and ask if you have any recourse regarding the sexual abuse/harassment you are experiencing. It he does have all his marbles it may curb his behavior if he knows you will approach or have approached professionals. Abusers rely on secrecy to keep the abuse going.

I do understand that with having a disabled child is an extra burden and the good pay helps you. (((((hugs))))) and let us know how this pans out.

Smack his penis down with your hand and tell him you have seen that before.. thats what I do at work! Then laugh... LOL and let his wife know what is going on.. maybe have her come with you when you put his catheter on, that might slow him down But in the meantime I agree look for another job.

If he were a child, I'd recommend saying: "I find your behavior rude and obnoxious. It has to stop." Emotionally, he probably is a child. So you might try saying that anyway. And say it as many times as necessary, until he breaks his rude and obnoxious habits.

Yes I have tried it all. I do wear scrubs around the house and have my hair picked up. At night I wear a long granny jammi. He doesn't see any part of my body..my pants are lose because I have a big butt and I don't want it showing but there is only much I can do.
Pip ruby believe me I'm not over reacting..it's very uncomfortable. ..and every time I'm putting on his condom catheter he has his penis very hard and erected..then to find out he has one of those erection pumps.

I worry that some are over reacting. Don't get me wrong, I don't like unwanted sexual advances either. Talk with his wife and ask what to do about his attempts to touch you. Ask her if anything has worked before. My Dad has gotten verbally naughty with females, part dementia wiping out his ability to know what is appropriate, and part his nature and nurture from the 1940-1950s attitude about women. Try putting your hair in a bun, wearing something that looks like a uniform (a medical type jacket?) and deal with it as a "professional"....I'm sorry sir, that is against the rules of my profession. Over and over. Do not take it personally. If he overpowers you, let the wife know you will need to quit because you are physically unable to stop him. I bet she does not want to loose another caregiver. My mom would talk to my dad about his bouts of paranoia when he was going through that stage, thinking I would steal from him for example. He believed her. He recently offered a respite care giver room on the bed, and she just said "no thank you, I am required to remain awake." and that did the trick. In the meantime, consider having the wife stand by in the room when you do your blood testing and med pass until he is "trained". If all this works, you then have created a job you benefit from, if not then move on. If you have already tried all this stuff, sorry, then I agree it is time to get a new job. Good Luck.

I agree with Carebill - don't use pepper spray. It could be considered assault, maybe even felonious assault because pepper spray could be considered a weapon.

You would be asked by the police if these kinds of incidents have happened before (yes), what you've done about them, what you've told this man (i.e., did you say NO?). It could be construed that you were fully aware of his proclivities and as yet have done nothing about it.

You are the victim of sexual assault. Quit immediately and report his actions to the police.

I suppose his reputation in the community is important to him, as a retired physician and the author of five books. Depending on your moral compass, you might threaten him with criminal charges and demand a good reference and a lump sum in return for your silence, enough to tide you over until you find a new job. But that would be wrong, of course.

Sorry but it a no brainer QUIT

I suspect he has a form of dementia, the hippocampal-sparing sort, which doesn't affect memory much, but it can affect behavior.
In my dating years, I didn't know how to turn down undesirable "suitors" in a less-than-awkward way. Many years later, I learned the phrase, "I just don't feel that way about you." You might give it a try. You could say something like, "Thank you, but no thank you. I just don't feel that way about you."
All the best to you.

The wife knows. He's capable of taking care of himself, so why do you think he really hired you? To help him write a book? Leave, money isn't everything. You can find another job in this field, and if you have to supplement it with a second part time job like so many do.