I'm being harassed by the man I take care of, what would you do?

Start looking for a new job, even if it pays less. There is a reason he is paying generously, he has probably had others quit on him before.

Even though he isn't documented as having dementia it might be possible he does or some form of it. It seems like as folks age they sometimes get overly sexual and I am pretty sure I read on here that especially in dementia patients. Regardless, it's not OK and Ismiami is right you should find work elsewhere. Trust me as a Caregiver to my mom if my mom didn't despise outside help I would pay almost anything for someone to help out. You can find a better situation.

Get out, ASAP even if you have to stay at a motel or women's shelter. From what you describe, he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. The "caregiver" is apparently a potential plaything, it would seem.

I have a feeling his wife already knows about his proclivities; she can't have lived with him for years and be totally naive.

I suspect he's been through a series of women he attempted to seduce. What reason did he give for hiring you after (presumably) the last one left?

What I would think about is a way to video his actions secretly just for protection. You never know what this kind of predator will do once you give notice.

I had to lock myself in my bathroom yesterday...today starts a new day he will wake up in a few and I have to take him his tea....I feel so uncomfortable. Thank you ladies.

I was supposed to stay till Sunday morning but I cant...I can't I'm recording all conversations.

I had a situation like that when I was younger. I told his wife and simultaneously handed her my resignation, even though she wasn't the one who hired me. Get out as if vacating from a fire and don't look back. Believe me, you will survive.

As advised did you quit?

Find out if it is legal for you to carry pepper spray in your state? When you say "NO" and you have recorded his conversation - if he doesn't stop - zap him with the spray and then call the police. Be ready to move out with no forwarding address but it will slow him down for a little bit at least.

Sorry, but I honestly don't think you should pepper-spray a 94 year old -- just get out of the room. The police might come and arrest YOU for assault, especially as you have been aware of this problem for some time and are decades younger than he is. Look around for another situation if you don't feel you can level with the wife. So sorry this is happening.

File an abuse claim with police and then Sue him and use the money to live on.

The wife knows. He's capable of taking care of himself, so why do you think he really hired you? To help him write a book? Leave, money isn't everything. You can find another job in this field, and if you have to supplement it with a second part time job like so many do.

I suspect he has a form of dementia, the hippocampal-sparing sort, which doesn't affect memory much, but it can affect behavior.
In my dating years, I didn't know how to turn down undesirable "suitors" in a less-than-awkward way. Many years later, I learned the phrase, "I just don't feel that way about you." You might give it a try. You could say something like, "Thank you, but no thank you. I just don't feel that way about you."
All the best to you.

Sorry but it a no brainer QUIT

You are the victim of sexual assault. Quit immediately and report his actions to the police.

I suppose his reputation in the community is important to him, as a retired physician and the author of five books. Depending on your moral compass, you might threaten him with criminal charges and demand a good reference and a lump sum in return for your silence, enough to tide you over until you find a new job. But that would be wrong, of course.

I agree with Carebill - don't use pepper spray. It could be considered assault, maybe even felonious assault because pepper spray could be considered a weapon.

You would be asked by the police if these kinds of incidents have happened before (yes), what you've done about them, what you've told this man (i.e., did you say NO?). It could be construed that you were fully aware of his proclivities and as yet have done nothing about it.

I worry that some are over reacting. Don't get me wrong, I don't like unwanted sexual advances either. Talk with his wife and ask what to do about his attempts to touch you. Ask her if anything has worked before. My Dad has gotten verbally naughty with females, part dementia wiping out his ability to know what is appropriate, and part his nature and nurture from the 1940-1950s attitude about women. Try putting your hair in a bun, wearing something that looks like a uniform (a medical type jacket?) and deal with it as a "professional"....I'm sorry sir, that is against the rules of my profession. Over and over. Do not take it personally. If he overpowers you, let the wife know you will need to quit because you are physically unable to stop him. I bet she does not want to loose another caregiver. My mom would talk to my dad about his bouts of paranoia when he was going through that stage, thinking I would steal from him for example. He believed her. He recently offered a respite care giver room on the bed, and she just said "no thank you, I am required to remain awake." and that did the trick. In the meantime, consider having the wife stand by in the room when you do your blood testing and med pass until he is "trained". If all this works, you then have created a job you benefit from, if not then move on. If you have already tried all this stuff, sorry, then I agree it is time to get a new job. Good Luck.

Yes I have tried it all. I do wear scrubs around the house and have my hair picked up. At night I wear a long granny jammi. He doesn't see any part of my body..my pants are lose because I have a big butt and I don't want it showing but there is only much I can do.
Pip ruby believe me I'm not over reacting..it's very uncomfortable. ..and every time I'm putting on his condom catheter he has his penis very hard and erected..then to find out he has one of those erection pumps.

If he were a child, I'd recommend saying: "I find your behavior rude and obnoxious. It has to stop." Emotionally, he probably is a child. So you might try saying that anyway. And say it as many times as necessary, until he breaks his rude and obnoxious habits.

Smack his penis down with your hand and tell him you have seen that before.. thats what I do at work! Then laugh... LOL and let his wife know what is going on.. maybe have her come with you when you put his catheter on, that might slow him down But in the meantime I agree look for another job.

I think the suggestion to tell his wife and ask her to be in the room every time you are there is a good one, if you want to try to keep the job. Quitting is also a good option. I don't think you are overreacting.

You might contact an abused women's shelter, social services, your local agency on aging, and/or the police and ask if you have any recourse regarding the sexual abuse/harassment you are experiencing. It he does have all his marbles it may curb his behavior if he knows you will approach or have approached professionals. Abusers rely on secrecy to keep the abuse going.

I do understand that with having a disabled child is an extra burden and the good pay helps you. (((((hugs))))) and let us know how this pans out.

The suggestions above about having his wife in the room are good.... but if that doesn't help the situation, then I would resign.

I wouldn't contact the police since this gentleman is a prominent physician [not that should make any difference] but in some circle it would become a "he said - she said" situation. You don't want to damage your reputation if you find some people will believe him over you, even though it is 100% his fault.

No suit, absolutely no pepper spray. Just look for a new job.
You can talk to the wife, she probably knows and looks the other way. Be ready to leave if you decide to engage the wife.
He has probably been lecherous all his life, but at this stage he is not responsible for his actions......you are for yours. If the money and convenience is sufficient to put up with an occasional grope, you would not be the first person to do so. Do lock your doors at night. He may be highly obnoxious, but at his age I cannot imagine he is much of a threat....I assume you could fend him off if you had to.

Good luck,.

Maybe the wife is the one who wants him to have a caregiver he can chase after - then he'll leave her alone. I would assume that they've been married for quite some time - maybe she's just had enough.

Dementia or not, this man is from an era where men did what they want, especialy a wealthy one. GET HIM ON VIDEO TAPE. Then tell him you will sue for harassment if it doesn't stop. keep a copy offsite, with a trusted friend or family member. Show him the video if need be. He'll change his tune. Changing jobs just puts another woman in your position and you are out of a good job. Your cell phone, a nanny cam. whatever you need to get proof.

continued. Then you'll know if he "knows" better, or is being affected by dementia. If it's dementia, then you can adjust from there. But having him pity your situation and him offereing to help you, sounds like you may have opened the door to the inappropriate behavoir. NOT that it's exuseable, however, we need to maintain professional boundaries if we're going to demand being treated/paid like professionals. Make sure YOUR side of the situation is clean.

Depending on the State law, it could be illegal to video tape someone in their own home without the homeowner's consent. Those States that allow video tape may not allow audio to be recorded.

I'd recommend role reversal. Instead of seeing him as a rich powerful elder and you his oppressed employee, see him as a naughty toddler and you his strong nanny (with his wife your employer). Visualize him with diapers on--that might even make you laugh inside. When he gets angry, see him as a child throwing a temper tantrum. Be dignified but firm. You are a woman of power. Claim your power.

Thank you lilacalani...

Sweetwitch, what's the situation? Have you left?

I was thinking about it and agree that it is more about power than about sex. He gets a kick out of making you uncomfortable. This is how he controls you and basically bullies you. The way to deal with bullies is to turn the tables on them and stand up to them one way or another. Let him know that his intimidation is not working on you. Make a joke of it or whatever works for you. "That old thing again", "Can't you do better than that" and so on. Take charge of your own reactions, don't show fear," I was in a situation where someone who had lost his temper and had destroyed some things in the house, was coming at me. I walked over to the phone, put my hand on the receiver (in those day) and said "One step closer and I call the cops." He stopped in his tracks. This is why I suggested above contacting an agency and getting some ideas. Then you are being proactive on your own behalf - not just the victim.