Being asked "so have you found a job yet?"

Irishboy stuff the begrudgers! they are probably jealous and yes trying to find out how much you got? I know alot of people dont see looking after your parents as we see it unless theyve been there ignore them! I too have been looking after mum for five years now and when mum goes im going to need at least a year to get back to being me? I dont even know who i am anymore? It takes time to get back to some kind of normal and as you say grieving also! Take all the time you need to get through all this and forget about what people think who cares? you and only you aswell as people on here know what youve been through and understand i dont even tell people how hard it is as they dont understand? But i have a few good friends who know the crap ive had and would completely understand if i needed timeout for me! I know what people are like when i divorced my so called friends just wanted to know how much i got like it was easy to walk out on a marriage? I told them enough to retire HA!! that shut them up! True friends will understand! I know it is very annoying when these people think you should be out working now? like i said no idea of 24/7 care by five years? would any of them have worked that hard! Im glad you were left enough to take time out for you we deserve it i wouldnt wish what im going through on anyone!
Hugs and hope your finding a bit of peace now!

Doesn't sound like a very GOOD friend to me...

Caregiving changes us and I found that my true friends are with me now thru my Mom's journey with dementia..

Move on with so called friendship..

Well thank you both for your quick responses, especially kazzaa.

Kazzaa, you're absolutely right, when you're doing caregiving after awhile you don't even know who you are anymore. Than you're caregiving is done and you have so many emotions, loss, relief, emptiness.

It's like these people think "well OK, your parent is gone, time to get back to work", as if you can just bounce back from this situation. Caregiving changes you, you're not the same person you were going in as you are coming out, and by that I mean you have both good and bad experiences.

Like many caregivers I didn't even have the luxury of going to a movie(I love going to the movies and hadn't been to one in a year), or sitting at Starbucks enjoying a coffee, these little things that non caregivers take for granted.

I found myself again yesterday on the phone explaining why I wasn't working as of yet, because again another person(who is another state) asked "so are you working yet?". I did say to them you do realize that caregiving is work, and that with my dad that included on/off the toilet and showering(I hope they got a visual....LOL), and that I am trying to rebuild the life I had before my parents needed me.

I find myself getting annoyed at being asked this question, and resent feeling I have to give an explanation. As I said earlier I don't ask people questions on subjects that they don't bring up to me. For example I would never say to an obese person who has never mentioned going on a diet "so do you plan on losing weight?".

If anyone has any quick answers or a smart relpy to this question, I would love to hear them....Thanks!

Why does it have to be a smart reply?

Why not the direct approach?

"Well, thanks for asking. But that's a sensitive subject with me, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't ask me that again. I don't want to discuss it."

After all, it IS a sensitive subject with you, you DON'T want people to ask you that again, and you DON'T want to discuss it. Seems to me that's the best answer: the truth.

Well Maggie I said either a quick answer or a smart reply, usually with a smart reply that nips it in the bud quicker. You get your point across better.

I appreciate your response, but if I said that the way you worded it, IMO it sounds awkward. I also don't think when someone has asked you 3 and 4 times(when you don't bring the subject up) that "thanks for asking" is a good response. Maybe after 1 or 2 times. That's why I asked about a quick/smart reply that could hopefully nip it in the bud.

I have tried the direct approach. A couple of months ago I called a friend of my parents(again lives in another state) who I have known since I was a child. Once again "so have you found a job yet?". So I said "well I don't need to look for work right now"...to which they replied(and in a snotty tone) "well if you don't need to look for work right now".

I was kind of taken aback and could sense their resentment over the phone by their tone of voice. I haven't called them back nor have I heard from them since.

They know how well I took care of my parents, and actually came to visit twice and commented to me "Thank God for you, you're parents are lucky to have you".

Now I get resentment because my parents left me some money????? I would be happy for that person.

And the reason it is a "sensitive" subject for me, is because I have one person who is like clockwork on this. I could see if I said I was looking for a job, but I have given no indication that I am. Enough already, as I said if someone doesn't bring a topic up or I have asked a question and the person chose not to give a direct answer I get the hint and drop it.

It sounds like you have some insensitive "friends." If they are good enough friends that you want to keep them in spite of this flaw (no one is perfect) why not just level with them. "I'm taking some time to put my life back together. I'm not planning on getting another job for a while. I'm not looking."

If they are not good enough friends to share this with, maybe the best approach is just to drop them. Who needs out-of-state acquaintances giving out bad vibes?

Well you could say, "You'll be the first person I tell when I start looking. I know for some reason it seems more important to you than it does to me right now." Or, "After five years of being on-call for 24 hours a day, I'm taking an extended vacation before I even begin to think about what I'm going to do next (note you don't say you'll look for a job). I'll let you know when I start looking (or when I get a job - whichever one you want to share with that busybody)". Or you could just say, "You know what, you keep asking me that question and I keep telling you I'm not yet looking. When I start to look, I'll let you know." Or even, "Why do you keep asking me that question again and again?" Let them explain why they're so concerned about it.

Depending on these people, they could be worried that if you don't get a job immediately, you'll have problems when you start to look, jealous of you and your good financial fortune, or they just want you to be like everyone else and immediately get a job when you're done with caregiving. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. People like others to follow the crowd and you're not doing that right now.

Perhaps you could say to them "If and when I find a job, I'll let you know". Sometimes when folks ask me a question which is too personal, I don't answer their question, but turn it around and immediately ask them a question (not rudely) and it takes the "spotlight" off of me, and puts the focus on them. In addition, it sounds as if you may want to ease out of the relationships with these people, as they seem like intrusive, nosy people. Also, I think it is the hardest job in the world caring for ailing family members, and I admire you. Hope all goes well.

Irishboy, could be the people who ask are concerned that at your age you need to keep your mind busy. But it can become too repetitious.

I understand your need to get your life back together after caring 24/7... it can take a long time.

Just a suggestion, what about part-time volunteer work? Find something you love to do. That would look great on a resume, and also throw a loop to those who are asking if you found work yet... volunteer work trumps a paid job :)

Excellent responses! I especially like jeannegibbs, because that is exactly what I am trying to do. I was very close to both parents and am having a hard enough time dealing with them being gone. Just the last few months was mom's birthday, their anniversary, Mother's day, and than Father's Day. I even joined a grief support group for adult children who lost parents. You just don't turn off the switch like a light in a room when caregiving comes to an end.

You find now you have to start over again. Ironic as this sounds, I have actually thought of looking for some type of caregiving job when I do start looking. I find I have a calling for it. Now I did mention this to the one person who keeps asking and they said "well don't under employ yourself"....LOL. Can't win for losing.

It's like they expect you to just go back to "normal" within in a week. They don't even have a clue how much paperwork is involved after someone passes, this same person was shocked when I said I had to file taxes for my dad.

Blannie, I got a kick out of your comments. I really liked the first one....LOL.

Your comments are the kind that should nip it in the bud!

freqflyer, thanks.

I actually do volunteer work with my local library. I was doing this before I had to leave to take care of my parents and am doing it again. In fact I am thinking about applying for a position as a library clerk. Now I mentioned this to the same person and again "well don't under employ yourself".

I don't think I could match Blannie's suggestions, but here are some suggested answers.

I'm not looking right now; I've decided to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro first so I'll be in training for another year.

(substitute any high energy, high intense activity for mountain climbing... i.e., decided to enter the Tour de France, etc.)

I've decided to study at a Buddhist monastery for awhile.

I've decided to swim the English Channel first.

I'm working on a novel that I hope will be sold for movie rights and be the new blockbuster.

I've decided to go to medical school to be a geriatrician.

Irishboy, I use to be a library volunteer decades ago... really enjoyed it. Having OCD it was a perfect match for me, I was a stickler for having all the Dewey classifications in order :0

The thing your friends may never understand is that you're forever changed by your caregiving experience. You are not the same person you were and your priorities are different. Your parents gave you many gifts and this one is that you have the time to recharge, to really explore what you want to do, rather than grabbing a job. It seems like people are freer to comment or judge others so I personally would nip it off with a snappy comment like blannies or GA.

I'd just say "Im ok for now" and change the subject

Thank you again.

GardenArtist, I love your comments. I always think a little humor is a good way to sidestep a topic you don't want to discuss. Most people should get that.

I agree Linda22, I find people that haven't done hands on caregiving just don't get it. One of the people who ask about the job situation(the most often) a few years back wanted me to come visit 1,200 miles away. I explained more than once I can't leave my parents.

I even said it would be like a single mom leaving an 8yr old and a 9yr old own their own for a weekend, not possible. To me it's not that hard of concept, but again people who haven't been caregivers just don't get how involved it is.

Now my caregiving days are behind me and now I have to explain why I just don't run out and get a job....LOL.

Thanks.

Miss Manners had an excellent response for those who are plagued by insensitive questions like the one your "friend" keeps asking. It was, "Why do you ask?"
Simple, right? Said in the proper icy tone, if puts busybodies in their place. If the questioner persists in saying, "I'm worried about you," or "I was just wondering," a brief, "I'm doing fine, thanks" followed by a change of topic should do the trick.

I will read this entire thread later. But, my siblings, while I have been providing care for my Mom for three years, continue so when are you going to look for work?! They are delusional!

It is possible that some of your friends are concerned that you are depressed and still grieving. Getting a job signals to them that you are OK. Have you thought about what you want to do in the future? You have the luxury of an inheritance that allows you time to recover from your caregiving and look at your options. Volunteer work, and training to become a professional caregiver are both good ideas. If you like to travel, go visit the friend who wanted you to visit during your caregiving days. In fact, go visit each of the friends who are questioning you. Next time they ask about a job, say "I really want to catch up with the visiting I postponed while caregiving. When is your guest room available?"

Hi Irish Boy, I started to take care of both my parents who are now 89 in July of 2012.
Both parents in and out of hospital and both in and out of re-hab. Well now my husband is sick. The reason I am bring this up is looking at your post that spoke about the amount of paper work that has to be done and filed!! It is all over my house and I can not keep up with it. Now it is for the 3 of them. One pile of papers take priority over the next as one illness comes after another. Am at witts end. The paper work in itself is 2 full time jobs. Then add the actual caregiving and you don't have time to sleep.These people should walk in your shoes and then they would understand. People seem to only understand only their own situations.

Something else came to mind. We are not a paperless socity.

sorry looked over my posts and saw a few spelling errors. Not sure how to edit on this site

Cher, that is a gripe of many on this site, the inability to correct our own typos, and delete our own posts that are sometimes written in times of anger or incomprehensible stress. Admin has said they are working on it, for months, but, really now how long can it take?!

Send admin a message about wanting the feature and why at:

https://www.agingcare.com/contactus.aspx

Another of those comments that really get to me is reminiscent of housewives in the 50's and 60's and 70's. So, you are just a housewife or so you are just doing the care giving thing? If only it paid!

I have answered "I would not have time to even look for work, much less be a reliable employee. My folks are my priority". That usually shuts them up, but good!

I would say change the subject by asking them something about their work situation or family. Maybe something like "I'm doing great, how are your grandkids?"

Glad, how about those offensive comments:

(a) Are you dating anyone? Are you planning on getting married, dear? (Remember all those dimunitive "dear" comments from noisy old women?)

(b) Why would you be worried about going to college when you'll just be getting married?

(c) Have you started a family yet?

Although no one would ask me those questions now given that I'm approach my 7th decade, I wish at the time women had the options they had today.

I'd tell them:

"No, I'm planning to run for president first."

"No, I don't plan to even consider anything that doesn't support my career."

"No, I plan to (a) cure cancer (b) research [name any disease]"

"I'm more interested in being a combat aviator."

GA and we all need some of those combat aviator skills to be care giving! Those are all good ones. You should add though, cure Alzheimer's! Maybe that would help more people understand. Something, anything!

Glad, you're right. Sometimes I feel like I'm flying a combat mission every day, especially the dogfighting aspects! Been shot down more than a few times as well.

Well to be honest with you, I was a bit harsh on the caregiver and their lifestyle, I didn’t like that they put their life on hold just to take care of their parents, and they will sacrifice their jobs, sometimes their marriages… but now I’m a caregiver of my dad and I have a lot of respect towards the caregivers! Just enjoy this "free time" while you can, and your friend need to mind their own business.

Brad, I am relieved you put free time in quotes, otherwise it could be easily misinterpreted. That is what many siblings and other family members think we the primary caregivers are doing, spending a lot of free time, while providing 24/7 care, oh, and don't forget getting free room and board (cynicism)! Those not providing care have no freaking idea!