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My 66 year old Father in law has had many strokes & his wife passed away in October. He is now living with us and is peeing the bed every night when the bathroom is right there. He refuses to do anything for himself. I am very stressed and dont know what to do can someone please help me?

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Oh wait, I don't feel this Dad is unwelcomed. We were all pretty unknowing when we first volunteered to take care of our loved one. Dad is presenting challenges most of us have all faced and not everyone is able to handle these types of things. I would never allow anyone to disrupt my family. We can advocate, love and see they get the best care available....it does not have to be in our homes. Our own families should always come first.

My sister was proud to announce she was not a caregiver and anytime some of the personal hygiene that had to be done for Mom, she all but ran from the room. She felt she held our Mother in higher esteem than we did because she didn't take care of her; especially "like that"??? Go figure.
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Molicare Super Plus Adult Diapers are the best, holds 1500 cc of liquid. Not really cheap but Walmart ships with no shipping charge. If you are using 3 Depends a night this is a much better option. There are several online med supply sites with really great prices on incontinent supplies for the bed.
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Kelly I think you have reached the stage wher you need help because you say you are elderly too and can't manage the daily laundry. Talk to your Dr and whtever adult services you have in your area or go to Public to get an aide in to help you. This is not admitting defeat it is being sensible and protecting your own health. Do you have a plastic sheet on the bed to protect the matress. Your husband can't help what he is doing . Kelly he does not hate you he is just getting more confused and does not want to be bothered or can't even remember where the bathroom is or how to use the toilet. he sounds as though he is progressing more quickly in his memory loss than you think and may need more care than you can manage. Blessings
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My husband has early memory loss and is incontinent. I try to get him to go the bathroom every two hours during the day and he drinks nothing after 6:00 pm. He wears 3 depends, a pad and plastic pants to bed and still the bed is soaked right through the pads, sheet and liner. I am elderly myself and cannot rip the bed apart and wash every day. He acts like he hates me when I remind him to go to the bathroom. I am at the point of despair.
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My dad started wetting the bed because he didn't want to wake up and go to the bathroom. If he went into the bathroom, it woke him up enough that he'd go back to bed and couldn't go back to sleep. And being 90, his prostate isn't what it used to be, so he goes several times per night. We tried the Depends, which he wears during the day but takes off in bed at night. Finally I went to Walgreens and bought him a plastic urinal. He can use that without getting out of bed. He uses it then dumps it in a bucket beside the bed. Yes, it's gross and it stinks, but I empty it every morning and wash everything so the smell doesn't carry throughout the house. This seems to be the best we can do with his dementia, etc. Otherwise he gets up and wanders around the house all night long.
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Is he incontinent during the day?. he is only 66 but the many strokes may have brought on a vascular dementia and changed his behavior Was he always a difficult man? Do you think he is still mourning his wife?. Did he have the nocturnal incontinence when his wife was alive? Has he been checked for a urinary tract infection. Has he had his prostate examined, he may not be able to completely empty his bladder but everything relaxes at night. I am suspicious when you say the soiled linens and pads smell so strongly. Are they left for days on end. If he will wear them Depends will smell just as bad when not properly disposed of. I think you need to think of another home for dad he is clearly an unwelcome guest in your house. You and your kids are hiding, what does your husband say? There are also external catheters that fit like a condom and drain in a bag. They can be easily put on and removed but may leak if not properly fitted. he is still a fairly young man and could live another 20 years or more. Can you face that? it is only going to get worse.
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My husband has parkinsons dementa, he wets the bed because of the parkinsons. He takes vesicare every night and wears depends to bed. I have a cover to protect the mattress, put a pad under and over the sheet and one on the other side. It is a queen size bed. I sleep in the other room. Lately he wets the bed takes the pad off takes off the wet underware and depends , puts on clean underware and then sleeps on the other side. Good thing I put a pad under the other side , that was wet too. Yes , I get frustrated. At least I fouind a way to protect the mattress. The little green machine works well should the mattress get wet.
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Thankfully I have not had to face this issue with mom. Dad was incontinent and put up a real fuss, getting combative with the nightwear. I don't know what I'd do, I guess I'd go to the doctor to see if there was something that could help him with this, maybe a prostate issue. Other than that, I'd say the waterproof bed pads, plastic cover is a start. I'd see if he'd try to wear the depends. I am sure that there are many experienced caregivers here that will give their most excellent advice. Good luck, I'd be a mess.
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He needs adult underwear, like Perseverance said, first and foremost. Your father in law will get to the point where he can't change the bed anymore...then what? You WILL have to do things for this man that you can't even begin to imagine if you keep him at your home, or your husband will.... Read on, you'll get some idea of what will be required of you later... Why wouldn't you want him to go to a nursing home? Nobody in the house is comfortable because of one person...what it comes down to is doing the best thing for everyone, and from what it sounds like the best thing for everyone would be to get this man in a facility, asap, or get home health care and aides to come in and do the dirty work...someone has to, because eventually your fil won't be able... Good luck!
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there comes a point , when you need to take charge. i know it will be hard at first. they are like little ones now.most will not understand this. but you are now his mommy . just drop me a line i'll explain
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You are such a kind person to let him stay with you.

One thing I did that may help you is to buy a trash can with a good lid, and make it clear that all soiled clothes and linen go in it. It helps to contain the smell, but obviously it must be checked and cleaned often. Also, as Perseverance said, adult diapers are no longer optional.

There are agencies that can help if you can afford it or he has good insurance. They will come out and do all sorts of things to help, from laundry to bathing etc. Maybe set up a situation where you have a day or so off from caring for him every week?

A lot of respect to you for wanting to keep him home as long as possible. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, so just hang in there!
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Thanks I try to stay calm and reasonable with him. We take him places all the time things that he enjoys doing, but I am embarrassed to take him anywhere cause he pees the bed all the time. And I feel bad for leaving him home but I have no choice. He knows that he is to clean it up cause I will not. I have put a plastic bed cover on the mattress and we put down bed pads. But when he changes the bed he throws the bed pads in a corner and leaves them there and it stinks up my whole house! He thinks he's in control of everything me my husband and my kids do! My kids are very uncomfortable around him cause he stares at them, and it drives them crazy! I just dont know what I can do anymore. My kids stay upstairs to hide from him, I dont go in the living room till he goes to bed. I dont want to put him in a home and none of his siblings will let him live with them. I dont know what my choices are now.
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Boy this is a tough one, I went through something similar with my aunt. It's difficult to judge the difference between defiance and sincere lack of control over their own bodies. This is a slippery slope situation; if he thinks he can walk all over you, he may (or may not) do just that.

Like so many other facets of caregiving, it comes down to how much you are willing to tolerate. One thing that improved my stress immensely was setting firm, clear boundaries. Firm and clear are very important. Make it known what sort of things you will do and will not do, and make it clear you are not responsible for decisions he makes.

By settings these boundaries, you are not setting ultimatums, you are saying "I am here to help, but I'm not powerless or a fool".

Remember, you can't control what he does, but you CAN control whether or not you continue to provide care.

Try to stay positive, good luck!
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It is Depends time... He will get used to adult diapers and it will be much, much easier for all of you.
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