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So bedridden father still doesn’t want our mother to drive the car to get groceries and prescriptions... he would rather one of us adult children to come out once every two weeks to get her in our car to drive her fo town for this.. he doesn’t want us to use his car for that.. he has asked her why she didn’t drive their car.. did she do something to it? she told him that “you told me not to”. Now he is obsessing over a hard knot he found in his stomach I guess . He’s fixated on it and says he’s afraid it’s gonna burst or have to go into hospital to get unimpaired ... he also barely eats anymore and is fixated on having a bowel movement that he insists on taking three laxative pills and milk of magnesia and enemas.....only to see almost minimal results... so now he is afraid to stay by himself and wants her to give us the grocery list so she can stay home... she is stuck there 24/7 with him... never gets out of the house unless one of us kids comes every two weeks to get her out of house ... I am not going to let him coerce us into enabling him anymore... she can drive her own car to town 6 miles away.. we three kids don’t live close to our parents ...and whatever father has he can live with it and get over obsessing on it.. we are not letting him have another surgery because he doesn’t recover enough to care for himself. Doubt any dr will perform surgery as he is no longer a good candidate... anyway ... I’m going to inform my siblings that mom can drive herself into town in her own car...and that she will have to figure out something on him.. that’s her husband and her problem.. I can’t make it my problem anymore.. my female sibling is in therapy now because of how dysfunctional our upbringing was and mom was enabling to our father all her life ! Does anyone else have to do this for out of town parents when she is capable of driving herself? She is going to have to drive anyway when he is deceased....

Sherry, just a few comments. Yes, your parents will have to spend down to qualify for Medicaid so Dad can go to a nursing home, which he needs to do. But, Mom, as what they call the “Community Spouse” will get enough money to live on. They will not leave her with no money.

Also, I care for my bedridden husband. I do everything but feed him. He has seen dozens of specialists, and not one could give us a reason why he can’t walk. Even HE thinks it’s all in his head. But I still have to take care of him. Which means I wait on him hand and foot. I can tell you it’s a helpless feeling. You get to the point where you just live from minute to minute. If Mom tolerates it because she thinks that without Dad,she'll be out in the streets, she’s wrong. You should go to your local Medicaid office and find out for sure what will happen if she files.

Good luck to you and your sibs. I hope you all find a good solution.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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My loved ones stopped driving at 80.
You are correct that they need more caregivers, it does not need to be you.
If you are suffering this much, it should not be you, imo. Taking care of yourself should be your priority. It is not healthy for you to be this angry.

However, would you allow your siblings to make their own choices?
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Reply to Sendhelp
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He needs to be in a nursing home and mom can drive herself there to see him. (She is able to be on her own, right?) Whomever has POA can arrange this. Probably though, mom is not going to agree to any of this.
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Reply to katiekat2009
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Sherry1886 Dec 26, 2018
No she won’t agree to a nursing g home because nursing homes will make fh spend down fheir money before applying for Medicaid and she needs fhs money fo live off of
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I see two things here. First, as you say that dad wants everything his way and doesn't care how it affects others. For that you are wise to stop being sucked in the foolish things like not wanting to have his car driven. Second, is that his wife, your mother, is saddled with a very difficult job, separate from your dad's problems but exacerbated by them -that of being main caregiver for your dad. You haven't mentioned anything about her health. It could suffer under the strain, I am glad they have some help coming in and, as you mention could use some more help when mum goes for groceries etc. I see from your profile you are mostly concerned for your mum which makes sense.

I hear that you and your sibs have been affected by your upbringing. I know about that myself and had to limit my caregiving to staying at a distance, Are you able to reason with and support your mum regarding her making arrangements to help herself? I gather she can still drive safely. Some places will deliver groceries so that is something that could be looked into. But it sounds like your mum needs to get away by herself once in a while. Are you/your sibs interested in arranging that with her on your own terms - lunch and a haircut or something like that? That way it is you and your mum, and dad is not involved. He will get mad, but what's new? I understand that they have a lifetime together of him treating her like this and you may not be able to make much difference.. I am sorry for what you grew up with. You do need to set boundaries for your own good.
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Reply to golden23
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Sherry1886 Dec 26, 2018
Thank you ... you sense what I’m going thru with them ... I will express to her that she has to put her foot down and find somebody to sit with him so she can get out of the house to grocery shop and get her hair done for her peace of mind....
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Honestly, a bedridden man can rant and rave and spout all the orders he wants but the reality is that he is completely powerless. Your main problem seems to be that your mother continues to defer to him, a pattern that she may never be strong enough to break free of. The thing is she too is powerless, when it comes to you he can order and she can pass on those orders but as long as you stick to your boundaries and offer other viable options that dysfunction isn't yours to solve.
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Sherry1886 Dec 26, 2018
Thank you! I just needed confirmation ... because I am not responsible for clearing up this dysfunction to make it easier on them to continue to live like this
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I sense your just venting here but I see ur point. My Dad thought my Mom was there to wait on him hand and foot. Mom would fight back.

Your Mom probably created this monster long ago and now its going to be hard to set boundries. But she needs to. I assume Dad is on Medication for his anxiety. Maybe he needs a change or something added. The car is not his its theirs. Tell her to just say I'll be back later and leave. I do agree that Mom needs a break and her children could help when u can. And, use their car when you drive her. Dads not using it right? Sitting in the driveway is doing it no good.
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Sherry1886 Dec 26, 2018
Oh no he was put on anti anxiety meds twice and quit taking them after a few short weeks claiming they don’t work... he is non compliant... and she did create this monster years ago by letting him micromanage her life all during their marriage and she won’t step up and stop him from telling her how to live her life... she can drive the car by herself... he just does not want her or anyone else to.. be clajms something nite happen to her then he won’t have her to take care of him.. he doesn’t realize that he will immediately go into the first available nursing home and she will too if she can’t take care of herself from a car accident ... I’m not responsible for the situation they are in and I did not create their situation and I’m not going over there anymore .. they have gotten comfortable with each of us three adult children doing for them... it’s time they figure out things on their own... an aide goes into their home twice a week and an RN comes into fheir home once a week for dad... She needs to open her mouth and ask for information about an aide to come sit with him once every two weeks while she drives their car into town to get their food and rxs and get her hair cut ..... I never agreed to do this long term ... my mental health is starting to. Suffer and am having ulcer pains raging internally about them enabling us against our will... I’m done and my siblings are going to be informed about this also.. if mom won’t put her foot down... then the nursing home is their next option for both of them
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Sherry1886, you mentioned that your Mom will have to drive anyway when your Dad passes..... oh dear, please note that close to 40% of full-time around the clock caregivers pass away leaving behind the family member they were caring. Thus, there is a chance your Dad could outlive your Mom.

Around the clock caregiving can be physically and emotionally draining. Heck, I wasn't even hands-on with my parents and I crashed and burned twice from all the stress. If you are overwhelming with going every two weeks, imagine what your Mom is going through the 336 hours when you are not there.

I realize your are upset with your Dad, but please don't blame or put more burden on your Mother.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Sherry1886 Dec 26, 2018
Well I’m not going to enable them anymore .... they r gonna have to work their situation out between them as I did not create it nor am I responsible for making them feel comfortable about it by removing decision making away from them... she enables him and she let him tell her how she must live her life so it’s both their fault they have this situation.. it’s not mine to fix anymore ... the aide comes into their house twice a week to bathe him and an RN comes in once a week to take his vitals ... they need to speak up and ask these ppl about her hiring someone fo set with him once every two weeks so she can leave fhs house on her own I’m fheir car to get food and meds and get her hair done... one of o
us three kids should not be coming out there every two weeks to drive her into town to do this because he soeNt want his car driven... none of us live close go them ...this was dad’s idea fo do this and I didn’t agree to do this long term. It’s been two years now.... I’m done enabling her to enable him..... nobody I know does this
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