Hi all, I am new here and desperate for answers or those in similar situations. I am an almost 27 year old college business student with a 1 1/2 year old daughter. Me and my partner live in a nice suburban home we rent but are in the end process of buying the home (exciting!) Now onto the problems.

My mother is an RN, shes smart and has been a nurse since her early 20s. Ever since me and my brother left our home after high school it is like my mom just started deteriorating mentally. She started buying things from goodwill and the dollar store selling them on amazon and ebay flipping prices. She eventually quit nursing to do this full time and eventually her house went into foreclosure, and she moved into a small apartment on Main St. The apartment was stacked to the ceiling with her hoarding issues. She hardly showered or anything, it was sad to even visit her. My brother then offered her to come live with them to help get her on her feet.

A week before I gave birth to my daughter my mom got in a car accident breaking her feel and heal. The day before my c section she had surgery to put plates and screws in her foot! Meanwhile all this is happening she was currently living with my brother and his fiance at the time. But they were legally evicting my mother from their home for reasons similar to what I am going through. Their relationship soured with her, so while I was 40 weeks pregnant I was toting my mother around to find apartments while she was on a knee scooter, and continued to help her with my brand new child. (after her moving out they eventually patched their relationship)

She lived in an apartment by herself for a year. Then when her lease was coming to an end she begged and pleaded to move in with me and my partner and child. I was very reluctant but she said she would help watch my daughter while I was doing school work, she would contribute to bills etc. So we both agreed to let her. It was in instant mistake.

She filled our garage with junk, our shed out back, and complained that she had the smallest room, and after agreeing to pay a certain amount of money said she was paying too much for what she had and lowered it even more. What she pays here wouldn't even get her a studio apartment in a shady part of the city and is $400 less than her apartment. We don't even ask for help for utilities. She has been fired from 4 jobs within 18 months and is currently unemployed. Out of the 9 months shes lived here she has given us maybe 4 months of what she was suppose to. She also never watches her granddaughter saying she "cant get anything done" when she watches her but then turns around and judges me and lectures me for not keeping up on certain housework when I work, go to school and watch my daughter. There is constant clutter everywhere she leaves around that I have asked her to please pick up. (Clutter triggers my anxiety, we keep a very clean home.) and she just laughs at that when I tell her.

She stays up for 24-36 hours and then just crashes. She is constantly just ripping us. Saying my boyfriend doesn't like her (when he has never said that or been mean to her) judges our appearance because we are tattooed, compares her parenting to ours, etc. I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own home. Then she cries and says I treat her horribly and screams in front of my daughter cussing and acting erratic out of nowhere. I beg and plead please do not do this in front of my daughter and she doesn't listen.

I do not want to kick my mother out but I feel myself becoming very resentful of her and she is putting stress on me and my relationship. I believe I am going to give her 90 days to find somewhere to live. She is suppose to start a new job next week after being jobless for almost two months.

I would like to add my mom was wonderful growing up, she never let me or my brother go without. But its like I almost do not recognize her anymore. I just need some advice or support. Sorry if my post was scattered.

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I've been thinking about your post all day. Not sure I really have advice but I must say if it were me I would be beyond becoming resentful and in full blown resentment.

You might not be able to keep a healthy relationship with her. Maybe not now. Not my place to diagnose anyone but it sounds as if she has underlying mental/emotional health issues beyond the hoarding. But a hoarding disorder is a nightmare all it's own.
Do not feel badly about setting boundaries to protect your relationship and your daughter and your home. If that involves evicting her , so be it. Please seek some counseling if you can afford to. She will likely try to guilt you but please don't take it on. You have gone above and beyond in helping her.

In my family we have alcoholics, addicts and one hoarder. I'll take the junkies and the alcoholics any day over the hoarder. She is not the person I am caring for or the reason I sought help on this site but I understand your challenge in dealing with your mother. Our hoarder is largely aliented from our family. She is irrational and self destructive. Full of blame and excuses. All efforts to assist her have resulted in frustration and anger. Financial sponging is one of her most finely honed skills. No more. We all had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable which for me meant going against what I felt was my own nature and inclination to help anyone and just stop helping her. She has now spun this into a victim tale

I hope some of the wiser members of this board that have experience with legal insights and resource insights will see this and give you some further resources and ideas.

You have my support- you are on the right path my girl- to get her out of your home. It will be painful and difficult. You cannot heal or fix your mom, or persuade her to live up to her promises. She is obviously in crisis and needs help but sounds like she is unable to see that.

I truly wish the best for you my dear! Will be checking back. Take care
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Siouxann
mamamochi Jun 8, 2020
Thank you for such a heartfelt reply. It really does mean so much to me. You have no idea!

I do believe our relationship will take a hit from this but it is what has to be done. For my daughter and my partners sake. She seems to not grasp that my daughter is ultimately more important to me. Which sounds bad, but it is the truth. My daughter is the reason my feet hit the floor every morning, keeps me going. She sees my issues with her as a betrayal as her being my mother. It’s twisted in a sense of how she turns it on me.

the hoarder in your family seems very similar characteristic wise to my mother. Self destructive, manipulative, a victim in her eyes. My brother even went as far as calling her a narcissist.

I am, as you are, the type of person who always wants to help. But I have reached the point where I am taking too much from myself to aid her. Like they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and I feel
like she is draining me and her cup will never be full.

We have already had the uncomfortable, you have to leave conversation, and it went as expected. Me and my brother are also working on finding her a therapist and hoping she agrees to go. The problem is with my mother no matter what happens, her losing her job, my brother evicting her, my anger towards her, none of it is her fault. She can’t seem to take accountability for any of her actions, everything is justified and it is exhausting.

I truly hope in a few months we are all on a better path and I can feel like I can breathe again. Such difficult times in this world and in my home as well. Trying to stay positive :)
Your mother seems to be in some no-man's land between guest and tenant. Which is it? Does she have a lease?

She's not abiding by the terms of her contract with you in terms of rent/duties.

She LAUGHS at you when you point out that she's upsetting you? I'm angry on your behalf.

Why on earth are you walking on eggshells in your own home?

Please look up F.O.G.; it stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It feels to me that you are being manipulated by a mentally ill person into providing housing and abusing you in the bargain.

Your 90 day plan only works if you aren't going to back down when she cries and pleads. I would file for eviction immediately as this is clearly affecting your mental health.

Please seek counseling to find out ways to set healthy boundaries with her. She's only 55 and this is going to be a real roller coaster as she ages. I'm assuming she has little in retirement savings and is going to assume that you will take her in when she is no longer able to work. Which, from the sound if her mental state, might be soon.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
mamamochi Jun 8, 2020
She does have a lease with us but it expires July. We are closing on the home at the end of this month. Mine and my partners name are on the title and deed to the house. :)

Yes she finds my anxiety to be far too extreme and says I need medication for it. I have taken medication before and got off it it with routine and knowing my triggers of anxiety and this year I have been 5 years off anti depressants/anti anxiety and I feel great mentally 98% of the time, but everyone has their days.

Walking on eggshells is exactly what I do. I cover my arms with long sleeves because she hates my tattoos. Which I understand they are not some peoples forte but they are very well done and they give me confidence. She constantly picks at things or the way I choose to raise my daughter.

I am seeking a therapist out now. I greatly believe it will benefit me.

My mother is prescribed adderall and painkillers and has been on said drugs for 10+ years. I do believe it has aided in her mental state greatly. And you are correct, she has little money to her name.

I have discussed her moving and she just mopes around and talks to my daughter and says “Gigi has to leave and find somewhere to live” but I am holding strong. For me and my family’s sake.

Thank you so much for your reply and thoughts. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Your mother has issues that are far beyond your capabilities to fix. Your brother has already tried to help and found it impossible. She needs mental health care and has to be willing to get that care. And living with you is doing nothing toward helping her heal or care for herself. Your job is to care for your child and home. Without defending yourself or explaining, tell mom that it’s no longer working for her to live there. You can offer to help her find a new place or let her do it herself, whichever you find better in the situation. But don’t let her staying be an option. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Daughterof1930
mamamochi Jun 8, 2020
Thank you for replying. It means a lot. And I agree on everything you said. She has done some irreparable damage on our relationship I believe. It is heartbreaking to see someone who was once a role model to you become this unrecognizable person. Especially when it is your mother. We are seeking therapy for her and hope she agrees to go. Meanwhile trying to find her a place to live.
mamamochi, hello and welcome to the forum! I totally agree with everything Siouxann posted. I can totally understand that you still remember the person your mother was before her hoarding disorder. She will need counseling and you can't force her. You can love your mom but with the boundaries up: you have a family now and they take priority, period. You won't help your mother by enabling her. She will drain you and her disorder will make her not care what the impact on you is. You must get her out of your house. Help her find Section 8 housing that she can afford. But if you prop her up financially, you rob your own family and you allow her to have money to blow on her hoarding junk. Also, don't help her clean if she moves to a new place and clogs it up as well. I'm so sorry. Often, hoarding is triggered by a trauma. When you say she stays up for 2 days, that makes me suspicious of other things going on, like drug use (meth in particular keeps people awake for long periods). She needs help and it is ok to help her in healthy ways that protect you and your family. If I were you, I'd contact a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder and start by having a consult with them. They will know the best ways to start and how to help her and love her without becoming collateral damage. I wish you great success!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Geaton777
mamamochi Jun 8, 2020
Thank you for the reply. Yes I huge problem is when I bring up my family she likes to throw the “but I am your mother” phrase at me. It’s an ongoing battle I can’t seem to get into her head. But no matter the truth people see what they want to see. We are working to get her out as smoothly as possible, along with all of her junk.

She is prescribed adderall and lortabs and has been for 10+ years but I do believe they have aided in her mental health deteriorating. If you read my other replies I dive a little more into this.

Any time she gets money she always ends up with stuff she doesn’t need or she said she gets for me when I do not want it. She has stuff in storage units. (More than 4) and our house and my brothers. It has become out of control that we are seeking therapy for her and hope she will agree to go.
I think it’s clear all round that your mother mustn’t live with you. The question is how to get there. First thing perhaps is to talk to your brother and his partner (eat humble pie if necessary), and ask for their advice. It is well worthwhile avoiding mother playing the two of you off against each other, making sure that you are both on the same side, and providing each other with a bit of help and moral support. Discuss her options with him, and work together to make it happen.

By the way, if your mother was a ‘good mother’ and ‘good worker’ earlier in life, and has now changed a great deal, I would take seriously the suggestion that she may have drug problems or mental health problems. How could you check for drugs? Could you do a budget and see if her money is disappearing in a way you can’t explain?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
mamamochi Jun 8, 2020
Thank you for the reply. My mother is prescribed adderall and lortabs for 10+ years. I greatly believe these have contributed to her deteriorating mental state and her actions. I am a huge believer that any pharmaceutical is dangerous even if properly prescribed. Especially the two she takes. She never can go without. I have seen her throwing up after running out of her painkillers for a few days or not getting out of bed contributes to her not having her adderall.

I had a phone call with my brother after I posted this and we are working together to find a solution. Because out of everyone he understands.
manamochi, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are so very young . You cannot fix your mother. Hoarding is a mental illness. My mother has it. She is a hoarder and gambling addict and she is turning 96 in 2 more months. She won’t bathe or change her clothes or wash her hair and she won’t let me do it either. It is so frustrating. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. She lives all by herself. She wants it that way. You need to find your mother somewhere else to stay. Evict her if you have to. Also, just because someone makes bad choices doesn’t mean they are incompetent. I was told this about my mother. She is competent and manipulative. I can’t get her to do anything I want her to do. Don’t keep her in your house. You will regret and resent it. You don’t want 20 years to go by and still have your mother living with you. Evict her. Get her out.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to elaine1962
mamamochi Jun 8, 2020
Thank you so much for the reply. And yes hoarding is horrible. As a result of her hoarding it has pushed me into minimalism in my life. I am so sorry you have gone through this with your own mother.

We are working on getting her out of her as swiftly and calmly as possible. I do believe our relationship will be rocky for awhile but we believe therapy is in her best interest. But we cannot force her if she isn’t willing. Keeping her here though is just enabling her to keep on the way she is and not face her demons. Thanks so much for replying. :)
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