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I am focusing on my husband's needs only. Nothing else seems to bring any joy to me. Like I am happy to be so sad and drained. I hate myself for being so down, but there is some kind of sick pleasure in "poor me". What next!

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What's next is your level of care can diminish without rest, relaxation and a chance to renew your spirit. Give yourself an assignment to get away for a few hours. Don't allow yourself to talk about your problems excessively. Watch that it doesn't become "your story". You (and he) are much more than the illness. Don't forget to laugh. Even laughing artificially is beneficial.
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It's OK to take some satisfaction from the difficult job you are doing, but try to step back a little and find some "me time" away from your hubs. It is easy to get so involved in the details of caregiving that we isolate ourselves more than we need to (although isolation seems to be part of the job description).
Do you have any outside caregivers that allow you to get out on your own? If not, make it a priority to find some! When I was first offered a 6 hour chunk of respite I couldn't imagine what I would do with myself and thought it was totally unnecessary. Now I look forward to my day away, and even though I usually have nothing special planned I can't imagine coping without it.
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