Becoming the caregiver and learning to be the parent.

Your mom is 64. Is she still working? Does she have other medical problems that cause her to need a caregiver?

It sounds as though YOUR MOM has significant anxiety and possibly depression. Have these been evaluated and are they being Treated?

You acknowledge the fact that you have difficulty with anxiety and depression as well; are you getting adequate treatment yourself? What career are you pursuing? Are you getting out with friends, dating, furthering your education and career skills?

Thank you barb! She is working 40/week but it seems that she relies on me so much now for even her thought process? But you may be right that it's due to her own anxiety/depression. I just started seeing a psychologist and tonight was my second session. I'll have to ask the Psyc how to make my relationship with my mom healthy again. Because this isn't healthy for me, nor is it for her with the way she's thinking. Mom doesn't portray these thoughts to be a huge worry to her, but how can they not be?i feel like I'm the only one freaking out when she says these things. My mom doesn't believe in talking to a therapist, she doesn't feel she needs one. She didn't even go to any groups during her cancer :( she just talked to me.  I just need to figure out how to get her to not think AT me like that I guess? But we're best friends, so I hate to not have her come to me. I work full time myself in public health, but my bachelors degree was to become a paralegal :/  I have a 6 year relationship, and go out every weekend with friends/boyfriend. Though my anxieties are always there, especially when my mom calls to talk about these things

Depression and Anxiety are very real disorders. And fortunately they are treatable! Good for you for seeking help.

Usually the treatment combines both drug and talk therapy. If you mother resists talk therapy she could still benefit a lot from appropriate drugs. Would she consider that approach?

If you both get your anxiety and depression under control, I'll bet you will get along much better!

I have the same question that Barb has. The cancer is in her past. She is able to work full time. Why do you consider yourself a caregiver? You are living in the same house, right? Can't you just be housemates? Maybe take turns making dinner, divide up the housecleaning, do some things (but not every thing!) together, and enjoy each other's company? While she was having cancer treatments, yes, you probably were.

Isn't it time to accept that your mother is fine?

If my husband sat around in his underwear, I asked him to please put a shirt on. He wasn't an invalid and I didn't want him to look like one. He had dementia but it helped us both to think of him as otherwise healthy.

Don't treat your mom as someone needing a caregiver! It will make her recovery more real to you when your relabel your relationship!

Dodds, I'm with Jeanne. I'm so glad you are in treatment. It is somewhat disturbing that your mother is actively resisting the very important psychological component of treating her cancer.

My mom had breast cancer at 65. She was in complete and utter denial about dealing with the psychological aspects. She started out by making some really stupid choices about how to proceed. (I don't mean I thought they were stupid. Her doctors told her that she was trying to follow the treatment protocol from the 1940s, when she worked as a medical secretary for an oncologist. And that her "choices" were no longer on offer).  She was coming at dealing with cancer from a place of anxiety and terror with no room for facts or rationality.  It's not a good way to make life changing decisions.

As a family, we were able to convince her to go, not to the local hospital where they were offering a radical mastectomy with a one or two day stay. We were able to get her to go to Sloan Kettering. They kept her for two weeks!   And they made it clear that going to the therapy groups was expected, not optional, because your mind and your body are very much part of the same healing process.

Getting your mom to accept medical treatment for her anxiety and depression is a goal worth pursuing. I would talk to your therapist about it. You might start by telling mom about how her anxieties are affecting you. Perhaps if she sees this as helping you, she will be willing to accept some meds.

I think you got some good advice here. At 64 (my age too) your mom is not old and it doesn't sound like a caregiver is needed at this point. I'm glad to hear you are going to a therapist. Explore why you feel the need to consider yourself as such at this point. Some of this has to do with knowing when to set boundaries and when and how. Both of you actually. But since she won't go, you can be the one who does this. Your anxiety may need prescription medication. Also, I'm wondering why you don't go ahead at your age, and move out to a place of your own. It seems that would be a good place to begin by getting independent and becoming more of an adult.

As hard as it may be, you may need to make yourself less available to Mom so that she is forced to look for another outlet, compansionship or group to talk to and rely on. What will happen is that both of you will be healthier, emotionally and mentally. Your relationship will change to something of mutual respect and allow you to enjoy each other. Moving out would be a great first step. You obviously love and care for your mom very much. She is lucky to have you as I am sure you feel lucky to have her.

Your Mother is fortunate to have a daughter who cares about her the way you do. Before my Mother needed a Caregiver which in her case wasn't until she was in her late 90's, She was in her late 80's then and I am 10 years older than your Mother, I joined a Group in Church for Caregivers. It was probably 10 to 12 years ago participating for 2 years in the group. Mom went to a meeting or two with me. Also, I went to a weekend event on the aged 3 or 4 years ago. When the time came for me to be Caregiver, I was fortified and strengthened for the task. We are truly blessed that Mother and I have good relationship and each day as a Caregiver is a blessing. The big stressors came from the former Senior Facility where she was living and relatives were interfering with my job as Caregiver and POA for Health Care. They tried to separate us. My son helped me get Mother out of that facility alive. Praise the Lord. The facility had their hooks into Mother. Getting therapy at this point is a great thing and with your Love for your Mother you can think ahead to where you might be your Mother's Caregiver. Look into it now. It is a great thing that you have reached out to AgingCare. Keep it up and please let us known how you and your Mother are coping. In a roll of caregiver it is easy to forget that one day we will be the elderly and the problems our Caregivers will have.

Your Mother is fortunate to have a daughter who cares about her the way you do. Before my Mother needed a Caregiver which in her case wasn't until she was in her late 90's, She was in her late 80's then and I am 10 years older than your Mother, I joined a Group in Church for Caregivers. It was probably 10 to 12 years ago participating for 2 years in the group. Mom went to a meeting or two with me. Also, I went to a weekend event on the aged 3 or 4 years ago. When the time came for me to be Caregiver, I was fortified and strengthened for the task. We are truly blessed that Mother and I have good relationship and each day as a Caregiver is a blessing. The big stressors came from the former Senior Facility where she was living and relatives were interfering with my job as Caregiver and POA for Health Care. They tried to separate us. My son helped me get Mother out of that facility alive. Praise the Lord. The facility had their hooks into Mother. Getting therapy at this point is a great thing and with your Love for your Mother you can think ahead to where you might be your Mother's Caregiver. Look into it now. It is a great thing that you have reached out to AgingCare. Keep it up and please let us known how you and your Mother are coping. In a roll of caregiver it is easy to forget that one day we will be the elderly and the problems our Caregivers will have.

You are too young to take this on. When I was your age, I was dating, figuring out my life, and having FUN! My mom got cervical cancer around that time but she went back to work and resumed her life, she did not try to make me her caregiver. I am her caregiver now but that is because she developed dementia and I care for her lymphatic leg ( a result of the cancer surgery) but I am now 47 and she is 80! Big difference. No wonder you have depression and anxiety, you are too young for all this. You must live your life too. I have depression and anxiety too, if anything will make those things rear their heads, it's being a parent to your parent. You need to live your life now before it passes you by.

You should not become the parent. You are going to have to set boundaries and going to a therapist is an excellent way to start this journey. Your Mother most likely has a lot more aging to do and you are going to be her daughter that whole time. You need to take care of yourself first and then support and advocate,(when she can't), for her. I have had to come to gripes with the fact that not all the people I love have a strong emotional constitution. I can't fix that I can only be an example of how I take care of myself emotionally. My husband had a recent surgical repair and he thought like no less than 12 times a day that it was re-injured with the slightest moves, he has anxiety about everything so surgery wasn't any different. After about 4 weeks of this I ran out of compassion and every time he would off load his anxiety on me about some movement I would tell him to write it in his pain journal so he would share it with the doctor and his physical therapist. I cared but I'm not the professional. He eventually lessened his off load of anxiety upon me. You are going to have to have tools in dealing with this. You are on the right track reaching out to this forum and seeing a therapist. Keep up the good work you are an example!!!

It is time to chilllllll - your mom has a loving daughter but it seems she is trying to make you into the parent role - you are too young & quite frankly inexperienced to deal with her manipulations - occationally say no -

Stop imagining every pain she has is a relapse into cancer - you get pains as you get older [I'm a few years older than your mom & dealing with parents 91 & 94] so I know about pains -

It would seem you inherited your mom's mental health issues but you are smarter in that you are getting help - cut some apron strings & tell her that she goes for help or you'll sometimes have to keep a distance for your sake - tell you don't want to loose the closeness you have but that she is endangering YOUR HEALTH by not going for her assistance -

Take her to the first few sessions & sit in waiting room reading a book then go for a coffee/wine on way home - tell her that you won't talk about session until next day so she can assimulate it all on her own - don't take her to your therapist unless she asks for them so you each will have your own go to guy

GOOD LUCK -

I'm glad to hear you are getting treatment. I needed time myself to talk to someone. When I realized how stressed I was I started going to weekly therapy and had a weekly conversation with trained person from church for about a year. I needed it. Another family member needed anti anxiety meds with her mother. Therapy, the church lady and making a point to get out & do stuff for me was critical to staying on top of the situation as it continues to morph. It helped me figure out what I needed, it helped me transact with family members, it helped me help my mother in law in ways that were helpful to everyone. Now I go to therapy on an as needed basis. The situation hasn't improved but it is no longer all consuming and all the time anxiety crunch. Take care of you. You deserve it.

I think the best thing I ever did for MYSELF was to enter therapy. A friend who listens without judgment, has sound advice, can't disclose what we talk about--heaven! And worth every cent!
I found that I, too, was leaning too heavily on one of my daughters and she was smart enough to lovingly tell me "Mom, you should not be talking to ME about this". AT first, it felt like a slap in the face (a gentle one)..but she was right. I needed an outside source to talk to.
Burdening your children with your problems is not helpful. To them or you. It has been a hard habit to break, but I am doing it.
As far as my mother, well, I am used to her complaining about this and that..and I have learned to let 99% of it roll off my back. Now that she is experiencing more dementia, it's easier. She's not so "mean" and I am not upset or frantic when she tells me about some new ailment. She's 87. She's not going to live forever. That's OK.
Your mom is still working FT, so that says a LOT. I'm glad you're getting help and I hope your mom will also go. HOWEVER...if she is going to please you, don't expect much. The patient has to WANT to get better, or it's just a 50 minute chat fest.
Can you lovingly tell mom that when she talks about her ailments, it stresses you out? Ask her to please respect boundaries of what you can/cannot handle talking about? My daughter did this with me and she was so sweet--prefacing everything with a "Mom, I love you so much and you are so amazing...but.." so I did not feel attacked.
You are still so young-and so is your mom. I hope you can find your way to healthy place.

Dear Dodds,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Its not easy being an only child. There is so much on your shoulders. Glad you are talking to psychologist now. Its a good first step.

Sometimes I don't think our parents realize how much they put on us. I too had to take on a caregiving role from a young age. It was hard. And I did not find the right balance leading to a lot of anger and resentment.

I hope your mom will also consider therapy or a support group. She has also been through a lot too. Its a tough road.

Thinking of you.

I started taking care of mom when I was 19....and am now 31....she is 68 now...itis extremely hard to accept the role of caretaker/parent when you've always looked up to mom for her guidance and help....they know your buttons also ...and now how to use them against u....lol...its a tricky tricky role to play...but someone has to do it...im here if u need an ear

Based on what you've shared, please....please....please....do not continue on this path of migrating toward caregiver. If your mom is working & relatively recovered, you should NOT be caregiving. You will have plenty of time to pick up this role later. Sometimes parents create this co-dependent dynamic to satisfy some unmet need in their life. Do not let this be your trap. Don't embrace martyrdom - it's not noble. My mom was always very dependent. Only her dependence/identity centered around whichever man she was in a relationship with. Well, she's single, alone and has Alzheimer's now. Guess who is left for her to rely on completely for everything? They say time flies...Maybe. Until you're a caregiver - in my situation anyway.