I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

Tg, we're trying to give you some support for the needed changes so you are able to control when and how the inevitable transition occurs. Our concern is that we've seen all too well in our own situations where status quo is upended by just one major change. It could be your wife's health, your health, Dad's age related decline, a pregnancy for your daughter.... so many possibilities. This situation will come to a head - we're just trying to support you to control how that happens rather than having you in the midst of a big blowout.

TG, would you do one thing, as a favor? Would you call up you local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment for you dad? Just make sure you or your wife is there when it's done.

I'm curious what a professional assessment of your father's need would be.

Dear tgengine,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Your family is extremely lucky to have you. I know its hard taking care of an elderly parent and your daughter. We all want to do the right thing and yet at times feel depressed, sad, overwhelmed and tired of it all. Its only natural and normal.

I don't know if this was mentioned before. I know you already have a full plate. But have you considered talking to a counsellor, social worker or joining a support group. Are there other resources in the community or through the church that could help you.

I grew up having no boundaries. Always trying to please everyone in my life. Feeling bad when I got stuck or taken advantage of, when it was only a matter of standing up for myself. I know its easier said than done. One can't just walk away from our responsibilities but try to look for other options. Try to get some respite care. Need to take care of yourself mentally and physically as well.

I know my lack of backbone is my problem. I love my daughter and want her to succeed. Unfortunately her husband is a load. He works full time but that is about it. He tries but he has too much drama that gets in his own way that spills on to us. He has no motivation so he is pulling her down. Dad is another issues I cant fight. He is here for the duration. I have no choice. I am not going to be the horrible son that throws him out after we promised to take him in. My issues is he never prepared for the future and he has left his future for us to take care of and really doesn't care. 3 hots and a cot and he is good. My 87 YO neighbor lives on her own and doesn't want anyone to care for her but yet she has assets so she is good. Dad just wants ppl to do everything for him and all he has to do is be entertained and fed....
I'm tired, exhausted and burnt out. Iv not been cooking much, everyone is on their own lately. This is all my own fault. Trying to get them to move to get a place is nearly impossible. We are closing in on a year at this point. 2 weeks has turned into 10 months. I feel bad for my daughter since she picked a loser....I called it from day one but no one listened......

Get that blood pressure under control, imo.
It is understandable that you can't box your way out of a paper bag right now.

TG, on another thread the other day, you said something about your lack of action causing "hard feelings" from other posters.

Nothing could be further from the truth (at least in my case).

Hard feelings? Towards you? You're practically a saint in my book! I feel BAD for the fact that your are suffering (needlessly, I think) from a situation that you don't seem to be able to find your way out of.

From what you've told us, having additional deadbeat adults in your home is affecting your physical and mental health; it has also caused your dear wife to have a health crisis of no small magnitude.

But you won't take action to make your home your own again. To your and your wife's detriment.

For me, your saying that you think others are having hard feelings towards you was something of an eye opener to me; it tells me a bit about how you evaluate the effect that your behavior has on others. It's not an accurate take on reality, and is probably a big factor in your inability to move on any of your wishes.

I hope you can hear the love and the worry in this post, TG, both for you and for your wife. Please find a way to get yourself some real help.

When caring for my mom, I found myself becoming an acrimonious person. I told myself "do the best you can; you are not God." It helped.

tgengine, wasn't May 1 going to be a deadline of some sort for your d and sil?

teng - " how the heck did it come to this?"

because you decided it would be that way. You do have other choices, like charging dd and sil rent, setting firmer limits on their behaviour in the house, evicting them, placing your dad.

It is totally your choice - your decision.

You don't have to pay rent to someone else to enjoy your own space. You have a nice house, with a home-office in it. You will be paying rent to allow other family members to enjoy your space; which is your choice to make, quite legitimately, if that's preferable from your point of view to evicting your daughter and/or placing your father.

But it is a choice. And - if I may say so without sounding harsh - it isn't really a mystery, is it?

Tgengine - it has come to this because you will not get a backbone and tell the kids to move out. There is no reason you should not tell them rent and in 3 months O U T. And there is no reason they cannot respect your need to work out of your home office and keep the dogs quiet and leave you in peace. Over and over on this thread and others - we tell you to get tough. Wishing things were different will not change anything. I feel very sorry for you - you are a nice guy, but seriously dude - backbone!!! Your poor wife. You guys have a good marriage but her health issues need attention too.

So they all move in and I move out... so to speak. I bought this house with the premise that I had an office to run my business. Now I am looking at office space today to rent so I can have my own not being bothered space. No rent coming in from anyone but I now have to pay rent to someone else for my own space..... how the heck did it come to this?

Trying a new tactic. Being thankful for 3 things positive each day. Maybe that will help... Now to find the 3...

Vacation! I highly recommend it. Did 5 days away. It was nice to relax and spend time with my wife. 35 years today!
Came home very late (12:30 AM) from vacation only to find my dog in our bedroom and pee all aver the carpet. Cleaned up the mess and shampooed the carpet in the AM. They went to bed and put my dog in the room early. She has a schedule but not adhered to apparently. Oh well, so much for relaxation.
Looking forward to the next vacation. We spent the next day cleaning (wasn't too bad), shopping, replacing the food that was eaten while we were gone. It is amazing that no one can replace what they eat when they are not providing any support.
As for worrying any longer I am trying not to. I do what I have to do for us. Not worrying about the others who are now sponging off us.
Finishing up my building project and catching up on work. Need a longer vacation next time.

Scaredtaker and Wondergirl, I feel your pain. It is difficult. It is not so easy that we have taken on this situation. I really had no choice since neither of the siblings would off to help. Oh sure, after the funeral and packing "Dad can stay with us for a few months at a time".... Kind of like the "pony" that's not going to happen......
Everyone has seemed to fall into a sense of complacency here, food is always in the fridge, laundry is always available, toilet paper is in abundance and no one has to pay a dime. I get annoyed that I am taken advantage of. I get it dad has no extra money, then I wish he would live like he didn't have any instead of expecting me to fund him when he gets low. Or use my account to have dry cleaning done.
I expect they all think I am wealthy since I am going on vacation next week. The thing is I have worked my butt off this year and made more money (working multiple jobs) despite the added costs to my home.
I keep considering therapy but like you mentioned if I am not ready to "throw the bums out" they wont help I am afraid. Just thinking of vacation has made me happier. Still dealing with people doing what ever still is keeping me stressed.
The SIL fixed the truck, not without me borrowing a computer to diagnose it (he has one just doesn't know where it is) and advice on how to repair it. But at least it is running. Just wish they would put effort into finding a house!

I find it tough and I am trying to find ft work that will support me. It's tought to deal with vascular dementia in an AA adult and then a narcissistic father, too. I caregive both and I have found much grace, selfworth and know what I do not want to be. Miserable with a bad perspective on life. Yet these challenging folks and living situations drain positive efforts and the attempt to rise above. We are, after all, human and have needs that must be met in order to thrive. One of them is love. I sense some of us do not feel loved in these situations (not all).

Family is hard when the last stages come round to call on us. I can see their side of it and mine. It's hard because mental/emotional intelligence is robbed in the complications of elderlyhood. It's like grieving their death and our own sometimes as we traverse these choppy waters. We have a front row seat of what may happen to us after they pass in our own time. It also serves to remind us maybe we won't have to go through the same.

If I could wish and have it be so - it would be to have supportive siblings - not vicious blaming siblings who try and bash me at every turn while doing nothing but finding fault...I wish my mom and dad knew I was doing everything I can to help them and work while caring for them in a job I hate. I wish they cared that I had needs, wants and dreams of my own that I have given up on with hearing them (at times) speak horribly of me because they always have had to blame others for their own problems...they are immune. I wish they knew I lose sleep nightly when mom wanders downstairs asking me questions at 3am ...that I stay on top of her numerous meds and dispensing and refilling and picking them up - the endless doctor appts and holidays I spend with them because nobody else does because they dont care.

I wish they could see their wild mood swings & fighting with eachother over BS cause a sense of fear in their unpredictability, which leaves me uncertain if I can be in the house when it happens - as I get blamed if nearby - if I am away I get blamed for not caring.

I wish they would embrace the time we have and love me.

But I also want a pony...and that's not happening.

Sorry you are experiencing pain. I understand.

I went back to therapy and the woman told me its like counseling a woman who wont leave her abusive husband. With that - I realized she wasnt going to help me and I felt awful as I was trying to find ft work out of this place and leave - she didnt want to counsel me as it was a waste of her time if I was living in this situation.

Best

I guess I should consider myself fortunate that my narcissistic mother with dementia doesn't live with us, but despite having care for part of the day, she calls us up to 22 times a day. Mostly to complain that she doesn't need to have a caregiver. I've put most of her bills on auto-pay, but she discovered a couple and quit auto-pay... her office has piles of paper - things that should have been filed are all over the place, and she write checks to every charity/political solicitation that we can't catch and throw away. She expects to be entertained, and wants to talk endlessly... which is why we screen calls and make one call in the evening. My brother lives out of state and can't understand why I'm so grumpy. Everything in our lives revolves around taking care of her - and she talks about how she and my dad played golf and travelled in their 70's. My husband and I missed our chance - he's a cancer survivor, and how has late side effects from radiation and chemo. We haven't had a vacation in 10 years - always had to be there for some crisis. After a particularly hard week, I broke my back trying to move a piece of furniture in the house... now I'm trying to recover from back surgery and keep track of all Mom's appointments, etc., and I just resent being the person who has to do this, because we were never close when I was growing up. I really think she should go into a memory care facility but my brother and his wife think she should stay in her home as long as possible. Something's got to give... I am tired of the grumpy person I've become. Caregiving sucks the very life out of you - my advice is to think about doing the 'right thing'... and then run away!

Yes, TG, you find you become an elder magnet. I can't go to the park or the Post Office without running a gauntlet of dropped walking sticks, the man over the road who uses a ramp for his wife's wheelchair, little old ladies struggling to get into taxis, a fellow dog-walker who's always bare-legged and has shocking oedema (she promised she was going to see her GP, must follow it up). There are the lonely retired, the newly bereaved, a nail-bitingly frail and bent woman who carries her shopping all the way home every day, and she does, and long may she do so but it is agony to watch...

I'm sure this isn't new. I just don't understand how I never used to see it.

You know how you can never get away from it? I took my 87 year old neighbor out for lunch for her birthday (Her kids are on the other coast). Had a nice lunch and I notice a lady with her head down on the table with a few older ladies. Her son was attending to her for a few minutes. The staff checked on her. I asked if they needed anything and they said the ambulance was called. My station is across the street. So I provide some assistance checking her out until the ambulance arrived, assisted getting her to the cot. Even when I try to get out for a bit it follows me....... it's the right thing to do I am sure but still. Here's hoping dinner out tonight is quieter.

Just booked a 5 day vacation to fun and sun! Need a break, its been too long. being a care giver is 24/7 and no one takes are of the caregiver...... They will have to fend for them selves for a while.

Just booked a 5 day vacation to fun and sun! Need a break, its been too long. being a care giver is 24/7 and no one takes are of the caregiver...... They will have to fend for them selves for a while.

Why would I make a contract with my SIL? I am a man of a handshake and honor your word..... guess that doesn't apply to family or anyone else for that matters. Yup, lesson learned. Oh, and live scott free in your parents house.
So yesterday he puts frozen meat in vacuum wrap in warm water in the sink to defrost about 1 PM for dinner. I find it 2 hours later thawed, so I put it in the fridge. Didn't want my family to get a bacterial infection from bad meat. I guess he wasn't too happy. Anyway, I was on travel last PM. he made dinner.... nice..... He grilled 3 burgers I made earlier and some of his venison sausage (over a year old).
So my wife tells me that was all he made. He give a burger each to my daughter, wife and my dad. He puts his venison in front of himself for his dinner (OK that is fine, it is what he wanted). While he starts eating his meal Dad says, cut 4 inches off of that 'll take some. My SIL doesn't answer him and keeps eating (this is what he wanted for dinner he made for himself), Dad goes and gets a bun and asks again for him again to cut 4" off and give him some so he could make a sandwich..... My wife was so taken aback she couldn't talk...... Yup, as we call them 2 "I" Mys" at the table, it is all about "I' or "my"..... Glad I was out for the night. Couldn't believe it....yes I can, they deserve each other.
Making reservations for the weekend to get away for a few days, can't wait. Celebrating 35 years!

TG, did you make a contract with him when you sold him the truck? If you did not, and the title is now his, free and clear, let it go, and take the lesson you've learned as payment.

Glad you and Mrs. TG are getting away for a vacation.

Pretty much ignore what is going on, hard to tho when I find cig butts all over my yard. Found where one landed on my new poly wood for my new addition and burned into it, had it been wood could have possibly caught fire.... no consideration for others property. Now the truck is acting up yet again, time for him to buy a new one. He owes me $3K on it, should I just let him trade it and call it a day? Lesson learned. I should have traded it and got the 5K then. Nope Mr. Nice guy to the rescue. No good deed goes un punished.
Planning a vacation next week to get out of here... can't wait. Just taking off like everyone else....

So glad that you're making progress, TG.

I know, it has become they have no motivation to move out. I love my daughter with all my heart but this has come to being a permanent situation. He has no motivation to move out. Why would he, all bases are covered. He works 3 days a week and does absolutely nothing for 4 days. I am lucky if I get 1 day to do nothing and that usually ends up with working on my house. If I sit more than 2 hours I go stir crazy knowing everything I have to do. I have begun to ignore all dads issues. He is left to his own devises and pretty much let him do his thing. I remind him about his dog that he as to feed and let him out. It's like having 3 children in the house. Since I have been focusing on work it has been much better for me. The heck with everyone else, it's me and my wife time.

Why are they not leaving any time soon, tg? I am glad you are seeing what role you are playing in this.

Let dad deal with his own spending habits. Let dd and sil deal with their own issues - elsewhere. IMO, as long as they are with you they will take advantage and you and wife will be aggravated. Put you and your wife's needs first tg, - you deserve peace in your own home. But if you go with charging rent, make sure it is a decent amount. They are getting away with so much because they are allowed to.

SO DO IT ALREADY!

Ive been on travel for business lately so my focus is there, has made for my mind to be more clear which is helping. Trying not to worry about everyone else but it creeps in. Dad asked me to transfer money while he was away, I didn't, I put it off, he ended up with a NSF charge on his account, I haven't even talked about it, about time he feels the financial pain of spending. Tired of fixing everyone. My old truck which I sold/gave (hasn't paid me for the truck yet only 1/3rd of it) to my SIL is in the shop for a week. He hasn't even asked about it. That is because he is driving my daughters car which I bought her and my daughter is driving my other daughters car (my spare) so no need to worry. He has a car which is in great shape. Gee, no rent, no car payments, life is pretty friggin good! Why look for your own place when your FIL and MIL provide everything else!
I can't believe what I have raised, here I take care of everyone else and my kids take advantage of me. I guess it is my own fault. Time to start charging rent because they aren't leaving anytime soon.

Blackhole; So very true!

I so hope that TG can hear what you are saying. Wondering what path led you to this epiphany? Hard thinking? Good friends pointing it out to you? Therapy?