I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

I sure hope Mrs. TG is up for Nursing duty. Hope all goes well, TG

"Dad goes in for hernia surgery tomorrow, just found out he is staying overnight." What kind of recovery is this going to require? Are you going to be his nurse?

You won't kick your daughter and son-in-law out. Deadlines have come and gone, haven't they?

If you won't kick your father out (and I think you should), you might as well just accept him. He's not going to change, no matter what you say and do.

I suppose that even if your wife has a serious health crisis or moves out because she just can't take it anymore, your father will still be living with you. Remember, you have choices. And this is the life you have chosen.

I am aware things need to change and start with me. Working on that. Doing less for everyone else and trying to put me and my wife first. Not worried what the others do but it is hard with everyone in the house and trying to live separate lives. Dad goes in for hernia surgery tomorrow, just found out he is staying overnight. Of course he is not telling me the whole story. I am sure my sister knows but then again she doesn't call me. I am sure I will find out after the fact. I will drop him off and talk to the doctors tomorrow. Tired of all the games though. I guess he is upset because I don't tell him everything I am doing to my house (like long overdue repairs or projects). its not his money it's not his house.
I finally got new carpeting in my office in the basement and spent a day cleaning it out, now trying not to bring half of it back in. 30+ years of other peoples dander, cats and dogs in the carpet so it was time. Now a newly refreshed office for me!
As far as getting him evaluated, I am not sure he is there yet, I am keeping an eye on things. He has 20 20 hearing as he comments on things we didn't think he could hear (selective hearing and I do not repeat myself with him). He remembers things but because he is lazy at times does not do what he should. Again mom did it all before and I am not., He can find things, he can find the ice cream I hide in the back of the freezer he didn't know we had, he can find cookies I hide (for my wife and I) way in the top of the pantry. He is like a little kid with all that stuff. He remembers to go out to lunch and dinner and to his meetings. He just likes to be pampered. He knows we are making dinner and it is minutes away but waits until he gets a personal invitation...... No, not a mental issue just an attitude. I am watching what he says and how he acts for things that are not normal. This is all his normal, been that way all my life that I know of.

This will be short, I'm so exhausted! I feel the same way don't feel alone. Hugs

TG - not a darn thing will change in your situation with your dad, your daughter and SIL until YOU change. They are walking all over you and you are passive aggressive - bottling up until you blow, and then nothing changes.

Look at the circle with your dad: 1) he runs out of money 2) you vent about it 3) you give him money 4) he runs out of money again 5) you vent again 6) you give him money again. Not going to change until you say "no - am tapped out"

same with your lazy kids - you were frustrated no-one helped your wife with dishes. You tell them "my wife cooked - you two are responsible for dishes" since they know they should but are too darn lazy to do it.

You are not going to get out of this once dear daughter is on her own. If she cannot manage money now, she won't when she has her house, and we on the forum will be supporting you when you are venting because you have to help daughter who is behind on her mortgage so she won't lose her house - but you will blame your SIL for the issue.

You remind me of my sisters MIL - wonderful woman, two deadbeat sons in their 50's who clean her out of her social security and pension each month (not my BIL - his brothers) and who now, at 80, just took out a loan so she could pay the past due mortgage for one brother (he was in foreclosure) and pay back taxes and liens for the other. She says she does it for the grandkids. She knows she is being taken for a ride, but WON'T take the necessary steps to stop it, but vents about it.

look in the mirror - it starts with YOU. what are YOU willing to do to make changes. if you are not willing to do anything, we'll still sympathize with you until your wife decides to make the changes you won't (health wize - crisis or she will have had enough)

good luck

"My wife and I went out for 2 hours yesterday. Came home and it looked like we got ransacked. Drawers in the kitchen open, scissors left out, lights on all over the place. Hall closet doors wide open and dog gate away from the steps with his shirt hanging over it. It was like he just walked through and left everything open intentionally. I asked him about it and he was like "I don't remember that"...... It was within maybe an hour. I asked him what was was ding and he said he was looking for an item to give a friend of mine (he goes to church with) and I assume putting dog food away.... "then I got tired" (it was between 2 and 4 pm).
He has always been forgetful and left everything for mom to take care of. This was totally out of the norm. My wife and I are going away this weekend. We are boarding our dog as he wont pay attention to her. My wife is very worried as he has previously left the oven on and fallen asleep, left the doors unlocked in the house. While he lived on his own for 2 months He used to forget his dog was outside and it would be out all night walking all over his neighborhood or.
I know I am probably blowing this out of proportion but it does concern me. I am trying to get him to walk or get active but he wont. He does see Dr.s so that is good but what else do I look for?' Do I get surveillance tools for the house? It was hard for me to get over the guilt moving him in and my going out and I am just getting to the point where I get out with my wife more often but now it is a different list of worries. I try to let him alone and be responsible for himself as mom did it all. An I try to give him space as we like our space (for now it works). He has his own living area but we eat dinner together.
I work at home so I see him every day all day. Now what do I look for? He does his laundry, drives handles his bills (I watch over them). I know what dementia and Alzheimer is and can see when it starts (have 2 elderly friends who are in the middle of it now). Tiers has been a long time coming but what are early things to look for? Am I just being over concerned?"

TG: This is from a year ago; there are dozens of answers to this concern that you had about your dad's mental health. Every single person who responded said "get your dad an evaluation for dementia (you mention that it runs on his side of the family)

Have you done that yet?

I know, I made the commitment for dad, he has no money to live on his own, he barely makes his expenses now. He couldn't afford to live on his own even if it was rent free. Once the kids move out it will be a little better. Just have to get them out.
It seemed raising the kids was easier because like it or not it was our rules our way. If it were just my daughter it would be different. It is hard to yell at my father. Doesn't matter he wont do anything different anyway.
My attitude has to change. It is pretty sh*tty now on everything, Cleaned out the basement this AM, getting new carpet tomorrow, hopefully the new update will help soften the drab basement office.

Every single day!!! Don't be hard on yourself...this is way harder than raising children, demanding careers, and difficult spouses! I find I cry and break down at nothing! My mom is 86... I'm convinced that I'll never survive this...plus I'm ill and she's not...physically that is!

tg - it is your choice is to have your dad there. It is not necessary to have him or support him. Other arrangements are possible.

Unfortunately that choice is a choice which is seriously affecting your wife's health and probably your own. You are choosing in favour of your ungrateful dad and against your wife. Be fully aware of that. Your choice is hurting your wife. Why do you stick with it? Your marriage vows/obligations  come before any obligation to your dad or anyone else. 

Do you have him on waiting lists for low income housing?

As far as the money, it is hers for her house down payment from her grandmother. I have held on to it otherwise she would have spent it (asked numerous times for it before and I held firm). Finally gave her a portion of it to get some things done (reality move). Hopefully she can get it moving, she is working with a mortgage broker and a real estate agent and narrowed down an area. (finally movement). Her husband ... I give up. As my wife said if we dont do it they will never move out. At least now she is on the track to get her own place.
So dad sits therein his chair and says to my wife that "there is hair in the bathroom that WE need to clean up, its not my color". Wow, glad I was not there, would have been ww3..... That was the beginning of the meltdown process.
Its hard, I have been trying to be the nice guy and help others, just tired of being run over.
As far as dad, looks like he will have to be hard up for cash this month because the ATM here is broken. I didn't have a choice in moving him in and he has no other options. Would be nice if he went to my sisters for a while but that won't happen.

Starting the clean out of my office today to redo the carpet and make more professional.

Thank you all for letting me vent.

So dad is too broke to have his lobster and oysters he will have to do without, it's not like he will ever starve or be homeless while you have his back. Maybe having his credit/debit card declined when he is out with his buddies living above his means pretending to be a big man will be the wake up call he needs. His behaviour will never change, he is a user, why do you keep letting him use you?

I see. And you expect this to change......why?

Leaving your daughter out of this (it's beyond the scope of this board), you don't seem to like your dad (he doesn't sound likeable).

So why did you agree to have him move in?

And why haven't you looked into other options?

You're alot like your daughter. You expect someone else to magically fix things.

You wrote a check, you have been conned!
In what way can one fix their credit?
Paying down the credit card only serves to make credit available to the married couple.
In what way, please explain, can a married woman buy a home without having them run her husband's credit? In a community property state, he would have to sign for the mortgage, imo.
On your side here....why did you write the check again?

melt down #2 tonight. Kids got home from a great vacation. Daughter lays out her plan to buy a house without husband. Needs 5K from her money her grandmother left her for a down payment to fix her credit. So I write her a check. I make a nice dinner for everyone. husband comes home have a nice dinner. Then I go to do some work after I made dinner and no one helps my wife clean up, Of course "do you need help?, they all leave. Then the melt down. Thus I need a new coffee pot tomorrow,. Meltdowns are not good...... they need to find a place. Dinner was Cliff Cavin knowing all, I left. It is hard with so many people in the house. Time for us to make a decision. The neighbors are leaving for a few weeks, left us their house if we need an escape, they even see it..... Just gave my wife an anxiety depressor to calm her down, its that bad..... not a good place tonight.................... living with family............... and dad just sits in his chair like nothing is going on, Kids in their room, I am sure hearing all. I  may have said  few adjectives I should not have........... Just checked his account, has $500 until his SSI check comes in next month. Who is going to pay got his lobster roll and oysters on the half shell next week? Oh the life everyone lives... except me...... thought having the heart to heart with daughter would fix it but husband in just in for the ride. Time to a date on the calendar, its not about the money its about the time....

Trying to be nice to dad. Once I start he starts. I asked him to look at a project that was done and of course much dissertation which opened the door for him to tell me how to do another project (this was only the first 3 minutes). Then "I can do that if you let me".... once you open the box you cant get it back in....
He gets upset when e don't talk then once I do he starts telling me how it should be done...... it's is like a horse at the starting gate.....
Trying..... it is hard living with guests.... or family....... permanently.

I have had a different situation with my 50 year old daughter. She divorced 15 years ago (from a domineering, cruel man) She was always hyperactive, emotional, introverted and a hard child to raise (not a bad child, just emotionally exhausting). She was not a joiner, seems to have a "kick me" sign on her back. She finds a man and hangs on even though its obvious they are not right for each other, until the guy eventually ends it. Drama, drama, drama. She never made women friends, and still has none. So every little drama in her life, she calls me and DUMPS for months, and e-mails, "poor me" "I'm always going to be alone" "what is wrong with me". I am 70 now, and exhausted, saying the same thing, giving the same advice (never taken) trying to bolster her insecurities and depression. It goes on and on and you know the saying "a parent is only as happy as her least happy child" maybe a little bit true because I can't get away from the thought that my daughter is alone and sad. She says she is going to go to counseling this time, but I'll believe it when I see it. I love her, but I'm glad she live 1000 miles away. I'm afraid she is too much like my mother, needy, negative and emotionally self destructive and her own worst enemy. All I want is for her to find the right someone and settle down and be happy or at least decide to make a life for herself as a single person. I can't do that for her.

I have had a different situation with my 50 year old daughter. She divorced 15 years ago (from a domineering, cruel man) She was always hyperactive, emotional, introverted and a hard child to raise (not a bad child, just emotionally exhausting). She was not a joiner, seems to have a "kick me" sign on her back. She finds a man and hangs on even though its obvious they are not right for each other, until the guy eventually ends it. Drama, drama, drama. She never made women friends, and still has none. So every little drama in her life, she calls me and DUMPS for months, and e-mails, "poor me" "I'm always going to be alone" "what is wrong with me" "all I want is what you and Mary, and Linda have".   She has a good job, and education and her own home even if she has never mastered finances beyond living from paycheck to paycheck.
I am 70 and this has been going on for years.  I'm exhausted, saying the same thing, giving the same advice (never taken) trying to bolster her insecurities and depression.   You know the saying "a parent is only as happy as her least happy child" maybe a little bit true because I can't get away from the thought that my daughter is alone and sad. She says she is going to go to counseling this time, but I'll believe it when I see it.

I love her, but I'm glad she live 1000 miles away.   She would ruin my marriage, repeating herself over and over making the same mistakes and then self punishing and crying.  She often calls at dinner time and babbles on and on for hours if I let her.  I'm afraid she is too much like my mother, needy, negative and emotionally self destructive and her own worst enemy.   All I want is for her to find the right someone and settle down and be happy or at least decide to make a life for herself as a single person. I can't do that for her.  Sadly, I think her 21 year old daughter, the millennial, is the same drama queen type, only she is lazy and selfish on top of it, which at least my daughter is not.
I keep asking myself, isn't retirement when the outside stress and responsibility is supposed to go away freeing us to concentrate on our own health issues and planning our future care?  Sigh!

OK, and as my wife has been telling me its not that bad there is worse...... Sorry to hear your sisters situation (lealonnie1) situation....

Just attempting to better me by trying to reduce stress. Kids are off on vaca this week so maybe 1/2 of my stress is away for a while. But their dog is here, He seems to be OK when it is just us.
Starting to get active, need 30 minutes a day activity for me.
Plan not to stress too much.... Had a nice breakfast with my wife this AM in her sun room before work, just 4 of us (2 dogs)..... Oh well. This AM Dad is standing in the basement with the door open waiting for his dog to do his business outside. "do you mind closing the door, my heat is on".... "I didn't know your heat was on"... "it's always on"..... apparently when you don't have to pay the bills you don't have to worry about them! At least he will be out most of the day so I will have some quiet..... yea for the little things......

Barb; no kidding! My sister has both of her grown children living with her, and the 30 y/o daughter does not work b/c she had a baby out of wedlock and 'needs to take care of her'. In spite of my sister offering to look after the baby in the evenings so she CAN work. Her 28 y/o son decided he was in love with another man from across the country, so my sister moved HIM into her house as well! She, of course, had to rent a much bigger house that required both her salary and her husband's salary to manage. Guess what? Her husband dropped dead 2 weeks ago (at 59 years old!), and she found him on the floor of their bedroom when she woke up in the morning! The life insurance was minimal, and now she'll be forced to manage on one salary. So she's thinking of moving the do-nothing daughter's boyfriend into the house as well, so he can 'save money' to marry her!! I told her I will not speak to her anymore if she moves another MOOCHER into her house. It is our responsibility as parents to raise children to become productive members of society, rather than leeches who live off of us! This subject gets me so aggravated I can hardly stand it.

Fires need to be lit indeed! But will they be? Unlikely.

Send, no need to apologize, I posted it as an instruction manual for others.

I have friends whose kids live in their basements. Or parents have brought them an apartment. " Oh, I couldn't just kick him out, he'd never survive". Really? What part of parenting 101 didn't you read...the part about raising a child who can support her/himself and not be dependent upon others?

There are adult kids out there whose parents haven't acknowledged the mental illness or addiction problem that is limiting their child's life choices, and that is sad. You need to get that under control and treated, if you can.

But there is a whole other category of "refusal to launch" types who seem to find it more comfortable at home. That's where fires need to be lit.

Barb, Good to hear a success story about millennials. Every generation has stories that can define the group as a joke, that is often far from the truth.
I apologized in advance, and again now, to you. Sorry.

Send, my three kids are millenials. Are all working. Are all married.

For a brief period, daughter #2 and her husband moved in with my ex, who has a large house with a mother in law apartment. This was during a time when son in law lost his job and daughter was suffering from a relapse of chronic depression.

Situation went downhill after a few weeks, because " the kids" got comfortable. Ex and his wife got very frustrated with non movement. At that point, ex and I and our spouses went to dinner and agreed that kids should be given a deadline and they must move. Ex ascertained that I would not take them in ( I live in a small apartment) and that I would not undermine his efforts to get them to move on ( like say what a terrible father he was. He's not)

So the kids got a fire lit, they asked each of us to cosign lease and we all said no. They moved. They have a baby now. They are adult children. They support themselves and I don't interfere in their lives.

That's the way I heard it should be. I don't have opinions about their jobs or their spouses or how they raise their kids unless I'm asked. By the same token, my parents would never have asked to move in with me. Different families have different family values, i guess. Those are ours.

Heh, heh, heh, Barb, I just heard that website crashed due to all the traffic you just sent over there!
Tg, maybe you just cannot win?

Seen, read, and acknowledged that Sil undermines you.
Rude, who does that, in your kitchen, with their dog, and you should be quiet about it? Of course you should give the dog commands, imo.
Are these adults (Sil &daughter) millennial? Send them to Disneyworld, please, that's all they know. Sorry to the millennials. Whatever must be the problem? No one is working from the same moral standards. Or is on drugs.

BTW, Did you offer Dad and Sil a cigar?  Why?

Thanks Barb, checking out the website out of the Fog

Oh I am fully aware of the issues. I keep doing what I have to for me and my wife. Last night my daughter and wife went to a show. It was dad, SIL and me. I'm thinking a normal dinner right? I grilled some steak tips put dinner altogether, made the dinner call and they came running. Tried some conversation but dad turns into "Cliff Clavin" topping any story. So They cleaned up while I sat, then I had a cigar and relaxed. Not fully what I wanted but close. SIL was upset at me for giving his dog commands at my dinner table when he was acting up. "too many people training my dog"... "then train your dog"... oh that is right I spend more time with your dog then you do....
it's just hard not having privacy. The kids have a storage unit. What the SIL does with is money I do not know, he does not share with his wife. I have given both of them strategy on finances but what do I know. So before they go on vacation the words to my daughter is start looking when you get back. Time is up, you need to go. I love you but you need to go get your own place. I have told her that last week and she agreed but SIL was not there to hear it. I need my house back. Right now I had to put their dog to bed so I can get my work done... "Dog barking in my ear for an hour".......
Tired, just tired.... Checking some sites to help relax....... travel sites maybe?
Anyway to all the mothers out there Happy Mothers day! Taking my wife out to get flowers for her garden (her favorite thing to do on Mothers Day).

TG, Google a website called Out of the FOG and particularly read the section on Boundaries.

If this is all about venting, go for it. I think I've said my piece. Good luck, TG!!

BlackHole has a wonderful idea. Too bad it won't be acted upon.

Years ago, I was a telephone crisis worker. There was a type of caller that was described as "poor me, ain't it awful, yes but." I think this describes you, tg. You aren't really going to ever change anything, are you?

If anything changes, it will be when your wife has a stroke or other major health crisis. Even then, maybe nothing will change, and you will tell us that you are so stressed out by your wife's health that you can't make other changes at that time.

We can see the future...can you?

I've taken to hiding in my room, locking the door and bolting it shut. She beats on it with her fists and yells obscenities She is now in a psycho ward two hours from here and I visited her yesterday. They say her brain is literally falling apart by the hour, that she has at most another two years. The doctor tells me he can put together a medication schedule so I can take her home maybe next week. I am happy to do that if she is docile here in the house. She does after all belong here in her house, in our home, where she can go out into her garden and watch the sun rise and hear the birds. I am here for her. The doctor said I should hire a nurse to come to the house to give her injections that calm her down so she will take her medication. This is where she belongs and I still belong to her forever.

You & your wife meet daughter and SIL's every worldly need, then his parents treat them to a vacation? Game on.

While the "kids" are in Florida, pack all their sh*t and put it in a storage unit (30-day rental).

When daughter and SIL return from FL, tell them you paid one month's rent on the storage unit. Then guide their dogs into their vehicle and send them to SIL's parents' house.

If Day 31 rolls around and these two adults haven't unloaded THEIR crap into THEIR own place, they have 2 options: get their own contract for the storage rental (oh, and pay it) or play possum and the storage company changes the lock and keeps their possessions.

You once said they "can't" stay at his parents' house because of some "issues." Whatever. Probably an exaggeration because they like your food better.

It's time for you to play the "issues" card. Your wife's health is fragile and your father is showing signs of dementia. Your home is no longer suitable for 2 hangers-on who create stress and contribute nothing.

And....are SIL's parents really footing the whole bill for this vacation? Airfare and lodging, OK. But do you honestly believe that the in-laws are paying for every breakfast, lunch and dinner those 2 eat?.....Their umbrella/jet ski/kayak rentals? (or is the happy family being fleeced at Disney?)....SIL's hefty bar tab?  Doubtful.

More likely, those 2 are blowing the money that they claim they are saving to get back on their feet.

They are taking you for a ride, TG. Yes, they. Daughter is fully complicit. She pulls your strings by playing "good cop" to SIL's "bad cop." Thanks to this well-rehearsed routine, you made daughter the #1 woman in your life. No wonder your wife is on the verge of a stroke.

For the love of God, TG, don't p*ss away this week doing home projects and cooking dinner for dad.

Order the storage unit, order a pizza and start packing boxes.

NOW. Get busy! Time's-a-wasting!