I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

Easier said than done.....

Let his overcharges build up - why should you pay for them? Dad has no assets to go after.

The point is, there are no overdraw charges when he lives with cash, when the wallet is empty he stops spending and does without... period.
What do you say when he asks? "Sorry dad, I guess you'll have to wait until your next cheque comes in". If he hits up someone else for extra money it is not your problem, they need to set their own boundaries.

Did that with him, I gave him a credit card a few years ago but I took it back (my card) when he moved here as I knew they way he managed money. I had to pay it off once. He only has a debit card, he knows how much he gets and how much he has but he always runs thin. The end of the month he stays close to home so he doesn't spend it all but runs down to the wire. He can do it just chooses not to. What am I going to do? He is my father, it's not like and can tell him to get a job (I have but excuses). He is 81 and overweight and cant run a cash register (I am sure he could) he has no motivation. I tried getting him a job at the local hardware store, that failed, gave him a few leads, they failed. It is just easier for him to sit all day. Tried to get him to go out and volunteer (he does a little with the church). He wanted to go on a church trip to help rebuild houses but he wouldn't be able to do anything and he didn't have the $250 to go (I wasn't going to pay for it). Vicious cycle. He loves to do social things and would all day if he had the money. After 80 years of living like you have a lot and you dont he has a hard time adjusting. I try not to but what do I say when he asks? If I say no then again I am the bad guy. He wanted $6,000 2 years ago to fix his car and I told him I didn't hare it (I really didn't) so he went to my sister. He pays a little back but only every few months he gives her $100.

We have a popular debt advice author and TV show personality in Canada (Gail Vaz-Oxlade) who advises people to cut up all their plastic and live on good old fashioned cash. Of course that involves some budgeting, first setting aside the appropriate amounts to pay for the necessities each month. If he has a visible reminder that his wallet is getting thinner he can't claim ignorance that his money for the month is running out.

You are NOT hearing what any of us is saying, dear man. You are stuck in the depressive's world view, which is "I'm helpless, the situation is hopeless".

There are ways of dealing with this.

As far a communication with daughter, lets see, she is my daughter and I am the parent, see any issue here? There is always issues with family communication somewhere. Not many people have prefect communication skills. I have spent years learning to communicate with my wife and I still haven't perfected that yet (insert a groan).
As far as dad and spending. I try to remind him. He just gets in a cycle where he spends. He never did the accounting or balance the checkbook etc. He just sees how much he has left at the end of the month. If he had a credit card it would be maxed. He said this month he had to buy meds (which he did buy when he was at the hospital). As far as transfer to someone else that will not happen. Sister and brother will not help so I cant even ask. I cant dump my dad on the street so to speak. It would like be abandoning a baby. It is just tiring having to give him money then he pays it back (sometimes). As far as paying the charges who else would pay it, then he would be out that money and I would have to cover it, either way I am on the fence, d*mmed if I do , D*mmed if I dont. I did try that one month and he was out finance charges and never said anything so he doesn't care. He'd be over drawn and I would have to cover it all. his income barely covers his med insurance, car insurance, life Insurance and gas. Other than that a bit of entertainment. I told him when he moved in how much he has perdiem, after his bills,he can "spend it or save it". I guess he heard "spend".
Diligently working with daughter to move out, had conversation last night. Still not sure how soon but we are in talking stages. It is a fine line between having a pleasant place to live and drama in my own house. Again, d*mmed if I do, d*mmed if I don't. If I had a SIL with any balls and gumption we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Trying to spend more time concentrating on work so as to not concentrate of the drama.
My Wife just booked a week at a friends lake house for us, not having anyone there, just us, (a few friends but no family) yea!

Can his bank put a restriction on the account so that the debit will be declined rather than overdraft the account?

TG, I'm confused...do you think that your daughter also has cognitive decline?

NYDIL is saying that communicating with a person with cognitive decline (what may be the beginnings of dementia) is not like communicating with an ordinary person of Average or better intelligence.

Just wanted to clear what is actually being said here. And if you just want to vent about how awful it all is, that's fine.

Your father says jump, and you ask how high. You cannot and will not break the cycle of him using you. You've said many times that you cannot refuse him anything -- there is always an excuse. Your father's the alpha dog.

I know I sound harsh, and I know you use this thread for venting only. It's just that there are so many of us who wish for a much better life for you and your wife.

I'd kick out your daughter and SIL, and make your father someone else's responsibility. You say you "can't" because of some long-ago promise to your mother. My feeling is that all the children should participate in the parent's care. Say "tag you're IT!" to one of your siblings.

So tell us...why couldn't your SIL drive your father to the hospital?

Why on earth would you have to pay your father's bank charges?

Good to know. I guess I have to do that with y daughter as well. This is a challenge everyday relearning to communicate. Being my wife is on special needs education I need to implement strategies from her book. All in all its just way too much at once. Everyone here thinks I have money in a big pot. He needs money again this month, every time I turn around he is asking to loan him money. Last week it was so he could buy food for his lodge to cook. He did pay me back ,but now it is due to his medicine. It is just hard to keep up with. He did this with my mom too. I am trying to break the cycle but how can I when I am supposed to. Sometimes he pays it back. What do I do just say no then he gets hit with bank charges I will have to pay anyway? S far as driving him to the hospital I had to. My wife offered but she should not have to take off work to care for my father. SIL offered but there another story.

Yes. Communication with a person in cognitive decline gets harder and not easier. You have to change your communication with your father because your father's brain is in decline and he is showtiming, which is acting like everything is fine despite evidence to the contrary.

Stop expecting to have a logical or rational conversation with a person in cognitive decline.

Learn to assert yourself to your father. Learn to control the conversation. Start viewing Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. The skills you will learn will come in handy.

Go in with him to doctor appointments so that you, as POA, have the information you need to make decisions for your household of which your father is a part. If he refuses, stop driving him to the appointments. Your time is valuable and you are not a taxi service.

Does anyone else have difficulty talking to your loved one you are caring for? I am finding communication getting harder and harder as time goes on.
Too many issues going on but he doesn't tell the whole story so in his mind he is not lying. He loves keeping things from me now because I don't tell him every aspect of my life because he tells the whole family or anyone else what is going and what ever he says is not correct.
It is getting harder and harder because he and I are in the same house 24/7 so there is really nothing to talk about. We dont do sports, cant talk politics, anything I bring up he is an expert on.
If I say something he knows better. So I don't talk. It's not like we ever talked much anyway.

A. No I did not co sign the note, The CEO is a friend, just made it happen. B. I haven't caught him per-sea, he has been pretty low key about the drinking. Ridding this out so they can get their own place. Unless it is out of control there is not much I can do. Trying to talk to him. I do realize alcoholism is a disease and my daughter is trying to help him. I am at a loss of what to do. If I blow up right now it will set things back. We are at this point in forward momentum.
Trying to keep it all together. He is at work for the weekend so tomorrow I get daughter time to talk about things.
Dad has been pretty easy this week with things to do. Trying to keep that part in check.

Did you co-sign the loan for sil? (I hope NOT!)

You told us a while back that if you caught SIL drinking, that he would be kicked out.

So now that's happened, and...?

I'd have an honest sit down with your daughter and tell her your observations on SIL being drunk.

Success with getting the loan for the SIL to fix his credit, something he could have done years ago... Made one phone call and things happen.... Anything to get them out and on their way. Dad has been busy with lodge so that is good. He can shop and cook dinner for 50 people (last night) but yet cant buy a gallon of milk or make dinner here. its not a condition it is lazy! At least he has been busy so when he is doing things life is much better here.
SIL was trimming my lawn yesterday with my gas trimmer. Didn't even know he was doing it. Figured it out, when he is drinking he does things like that. Watched him from afar, every now and then he would go to his truck, walk around the back, finally saw him taking a few swigs from a flask...... Yup, all the signs of a drunk. Last week I asked him to sharpen the blades on my mower, (mistake #1), took him hours and he put them on upside down..... This is a machinist.... you cant do things right when you are hammered. He comes in the house with his hat down and sunglasses on, yup, that is the sign when he has been drinking. I want them to get a place but I don't see her staying with him long term. He is wasting my daughters time. I am so stressed out right now. Trying to take care of me and my wife and ignore all of this but it's right here.
Everyone is out of the house this AM so getting some work done, dealing with the barking dogs.....
Re-did my office for me to save some money rather than pay rent. For now it is getting better. Once I Get doors on it may help.
Doing some research to help me deal with all this. The best thing will to have my daughter in her own place soon.........

Not sure since I wasn't able to talk with the Dr much. Again, he kept me in the dark on this. He just wanted me to drop him off and go. Then I went in with him, he wasn't happy but after his knee replacement deal last year I had to know what was going on. He was embarrassed by it but as I said it was a medical procedure. I am not allowed to tell anyone. Who knows what he tells people. Anyway, still having to clean up the puddles in the bathroom. Now I have to tell him to sit down to go as we are tired of it on the floor. Again he never had to clean anything up so how would he know. It is just a vicious cycle. I have a Dr appt.in 2 weeks so I will talk to our Dr then to see about an evaluation. Just exhausted at this point having to deal with issues.
Kids are trying to move forward with a house but SIL has issues with finance. So I made a phone call to the bank CEO who is a close personal friend. Can be taken care of in one business day that has been taking the SIL 2 years to do. Sometimes it takes knowing what to say to get things done......
Exhausted trying to manage people. As I said to my friend, I just want my kids to get their own place.... He understands too.

"As I found out it was an implant to assist him with urination (first I have heard of that) at least that is what he says. I pretty much had let him do his thing and not intervene, pretty much the way he wants it. As long as I know what is going on that is OK. I am really trying to let him live his own life just in my house. The minute I start doing for him is the minute he thinks its great and lets us. The more I make hi self reliant the better it is for all of us. "

TG, I think I get what you are saying, and I applaud you for focusing on your wife right now, and for moving forward with an evaluation for dad.

But in this most recent post, there is SUCH a contradiction! "doing" for dad is not the same as "knowing and understanding what is going on with dad medically". You understand dad's surgery from what HE said it was. What did the doctor say it was?

At least in my mind, those are two very different things. How do you see it?

I have his living will and power of attorney with him (did that back in 08). As far as his surgery surprisingly it went well and he is ambulatory. As I found out it was an implant to assist him with urination (first I have heard of that) at least that is what he says. I pretty much had let him do his thing and not intervene, pretty much the way he wants it. As long as I know what is going on that is OK. I am really trying to let him live his own life just in my house. The minute I start doing for him is the minute he thinks its great and lets us. The more I make hi self reliant the better it is for all of us.
Had a busy weekend with the girls and a cookout so I haven't had time to dwell on him. Had my girls help with the yard and they put some hard work in and we all had fun together. It was nice to get back to old times just the 4 of us. Hard work makes for better relations in my book. My daughter is starting to see that having a house is hard work. Pushing them to get their own place. She made progress with a realtor, keeping that ball moving.
As far as dad we have the same doctor so when I see him I am going to talk to him about getting him tested/evaluated just to be on the safe side. This way I can be sure and lot have to have any surprises.
Personally I have been doing better, focusing on my wife and I right now.

Hope all is going well, TG and that you're having a good time with both daughters this holiday weekend!

TG, once again, your dad's lack of informing you could be attributed to his cognitive decline. I mean, is it possible that he truly didn't understand the doctors? Or perhaps it was mentioned at the consult wording such as: "this is very similar to hernia surgery" and that is what his mind "caught" because it was familiar terminology, given that he knows you had that done.
I am sorry there is strained communication with your sister. Please try to cut her some slack too. There could be more going on her life that even what you hear about.
I found that I had to start going with my mother to every single Dr. appointment in order to get the truth. I kept a notebook for remembering to as questions as well as to write down everything the Dr. said. This became crucial when discussing matters with the rest of my family! Then at home, I created a document that I now carry with me at all times: Mom's information like S. S. #, Birthdate, family health history, contacts list with phone #'s (mark who is primary contact), list of Doctors & clinics with phone #'s, current medication list, & updates on recent visits - what we were told & any blood test results phoned back to us.
If you are not Medical POA for your Dad, you need to make that happen NOW. It doesn't matter if you see cognitive decline YET, or not! Get that done.
Hope the suggestions help. Good luck.

TG, you really need to talk to his doctor about doing a cognitive evaluation on your dad. When a person has a difficult personality, and you're with them everyday, it's easy to miss the subtle changes. Best case - he's ok and just a difficult person. Worst case - he has cognitive challenges and you have to start coming up with a new game plan. In either case, you'll be better equipped to deal with the near future.  It's made a difference in how I interact with my mom, knowing it's cognitive decline mixed with narc behavior.  

Alternate interpretation of this story, from the point of view of someone who has a parent with dementia: Parent did not comprehend what kind of surgery was being proposed. Not an attitude but lack of cognitive and executive functioning skills.

But, TG, it's your dad and I'm sure you know know better.

I'm wondering if some alert hospital employee calls APS because you yelled at your obviously demented father.

I think I would get that cognitive evaluation to cover yourself. So that you can PROVE that your dad is "just" lazy

On my way to pick up dad from the hospital. Just us and our daughter for dinner last night. It was so nice to have real conversation with our daughter. Will have both daughters this weekend.
Took dad in yesterday. He didn't want me to stay but if he coded on the gurney and I was not there like mom I would not want to take the heat for it. So I stayed, took all day... While getting him prepped, the doc came in. Weird conversation about the hernia (I have had 2 hernia surgeries so I know what to expect). Then the OR nurse comes in and talks about something else. Turns out it was something to repair a urination issue not a hernia. In some cases could be considered embarrassing. It is a medically necessary surgery. So I called him out on it very sternly, Yes I yelled at him in the room. "You need to tell me what is going on, I do have to know because I am ultimately responsible for you, no more BS from you, you either tell me or we need to make changes, I am not 10 years old anymore, you live with me. Between you and mom you never told me whats going on, well that is going to change right now"........... I am sure it is not the first time the staff have seen this but Hey, I am the guy who has to clean up the mess. Just like the last surgery, I play nursemaid.
So we will see how this one goes. He didn't tell my sister he was going in. She thought it being planned for late summer. Of course I called her to tell her it was just a hernia as he said but of course she takes his side and then goes on her own rampage of her life...... I am sure she knows what it is and thinks I am stupid. Blew a whole day out of the office yesterday.
Man I just want a level playing field.............
just tired of all the games...............

"No, not a mental issue just an attitude. I am watching what he says and how he acts for things that are not normal. This is all his normal, been that way all my life that I know of."

So, TG, I really hope that things go well with Dad's surgery. But in reference to the above quote from your last post, this is how dad has always been, we get that. It doesn't mean that it's "normal".

Most folks are NOT inconsiderate, lazy and/or narcissistic. Or immature. Or cognitively impaired.

Apparently your mom just "did" for dad, sounds like occasionally she exploded (the way you do, and the way your wife does) and then died before dad, possibly from a stress-related disorder?

Who is going to take care of dad if you die? I've often found that it's a useful question to ask myself, especially when a "Mom Emergency" would get in the way of a mammogram, cardiac or gyn appointment.

Wow, three-week recovery period! What are your plans for that, TG?

TG; I just read a bit about hernia surgery on WebMD; three week recovery period.

Three weeks. And dad didn't discuss his increased care needs with you?

I have to say, this really sounds like decreased cognitive functioning, lack of executive functioning, narcissism, unrealistic expectations or something like that, to me.

You are keeping an eye on his ability to find ice cream in the freezer. But you aren't keeping an eye on his ability to plan ahead, see consequences. See, that's what dementia is about for the most part, decrease in those skills.

I'm sure you are quite tired of all of us saying the same thing, TG. But your dad needs a complete cognitive workup. Now. So that you and Mrs. TG can have a plan.

tg - this is just the beginning of the care your father will need. Have you and your wife discussed how you are going to manage in the years ahead as his care needs increase? You need to.