I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

I am trying, still biting off heads. I am under a bunch of stress. Trying to build my business, take care of too many people, manage the civic and professional organizations I am involved in as a part of my business. Just don't get much help. Dad wants to be involved in my building of my addition, I get annoyed and I shouldn't, I don't want him to get hurt plus it is my project. I have a hard time with letting go most of the time. Plus it is my project so I want it to be done my way. I have to be a little more forgiving. It is just my nature to be in charge of my own projects. He means well and he can do the work, I know he is enjoying it but I have to rein him back into the is the way I want it not the way he wants it. Again a control issue on my part. Trying to get up with a positive attitude and today I wont bark.... that usually lasts about five minutes.
Today while I had to shovel all the walks and decks and move snow at my place I get to watch my SIL have a smoke after I have done all the work.... aragh! I cant wait until 4 in the afternoon to have it done. Then I get to plow 5 more driveways! Sorry, I was brought up to get up early and get things done, not slowly move into the day when you have 4 days off a week...... OK, the SIL did make dinner last night, we did get to eat around 8..... it was good, and it was nice to have someone make dinner..... He is up again tonight to make dinner, I am not home, on business travel tonight.

Today... trying to be positive. Yesterday almost killed me. Between issues with work and the house getting smaller every day and with Dad and SIL and 3 dogs home the stress was unbearable.
So today need to start the positive affirmations, maybe that will keep me sane. Its nice out so I will start walking and need to move, I can feel the stress in my chest lately and my BP is creeping up so I have to take care of me. Plus with my wife hyper sensitive about her situation gives me more stress, Yes Stress is a killer and I have to figure out how to keep it off my back so to speak.
Thank you for letting me vent because only god knows no one else will listen.
SIL is making dinner tonight.... this should be fun, he starts around 5 when he is home all day, usually gets done about 8....... I advised him a pork roast takes a long time and don't buy anything until he looks in the pantry, I don't need more spices and items taking up room. The only rule is if you use it up, replace it. I give him credit for cooking, hoping it helps him. An it gives me a night off. Again the positive thing! Now if he would only start looking for a house!

Ugh! One of the hardest things I ever had to learn was not to give unsolicited help or advice if they volunteered to cook. Don't tell them how long to parboil the potatoes for roasting, don't tell them the easy way to lump-free sauce, above all don't get twitchy if dinner's supposed to be at seven and they're still watching t.v....

I practically had to sew my mouth shut with sail thread.

You have to let them make their own mistakes. Like nephew 2's cardamom ice cream. If only someone had told him you have to take the seeds out of their pods before you blend the mixture. High fibre version, anyone? :P

:) cm - now you have me looking for cardamom ice cream recipes. How about mulled pomegranate cider poached pears paired with vegan cardamom ice cream. I know a purist would not go with vegan ice cream, but I have to because of allergies.

teng - you were looking for a support group. Any luck? Seems like stress is building and building which it does if it is not dealt with successfully. Your wife's health has been affected, and it sounds like yours is being affected too. I hear that you have some fears about going to a counselor, which I understand, but, might it not be worth trying, seeing that your life is becoming more and more stressful? It isn't going to go away on its own, you know. People on your threads are responding out of concern for you and your wife. If you cannot draw a line in the sand with others in order to make changes, can you draw one for yourself? Have you seem a doctor about your blood pressure? (S)he may have some suggestions, including an antidepressant which could help you. You sound very depressed to me. Self medicating with e.g. alcohol is self defeating.

Thanks, glad people are concerned. I am not depressed, unhappy maybe but not depressed. I am concerned about my wife and we are keeping an eye on each other. I have a Dr and keep and eye on the BP, yes on BP meds wife and I. If I got my butt out of the chair and exercised like I should would most likely help too. As far as unsolicited assistance I do keep my mouth shut, He just waits until dinner to start cooking so I just nudged him if would be good to think how long a roast takes. It is just hard to give control of the kitchen over although it is nice to have someone cook. It is the other issues I have to deal with like his anxiety afterward.... That is as the song goes "another bottle of wine". Still looking for a support group.
Not a big one on anxiety meds, have seen way too much on what happens with them. I keep the ETOH in check, at least I try (too many calories). So I am trying to keep my mouth shut, let the ball roll all those things. And remember I brought this on myself. It is just not the way I pictured it..... I was hoping the timeline would have been shorter and dad spent more time visiting siblings like they promised (a few months with them). I tried reading on what to do but doesn't seem to help. The fact that dad has been busy helping me with some of the building has helped but once that it done we will be back to square one.
My biggest issues is when we got married we got an apartment, in 3 years we bought a house, by year 5 we had our first child. I am not putting time lines on anyone but we just came out of a recession, we didn't have high level jobs, only one had a college degree (not me). So how did we do it? That is my big issue, a SIL that has no motivation to get out on his own and my daughter has the baby and house bug bad..... So I have to bite my tongue and let what ever happen happen.... OK positive thoughts.......

Do you know that irritability is a symptom of depression?

Your daughter married the wrong guy. (But you already know that. Does she know it??)

Thx BB - was Going to say that,

Teng - I mentioned anti- depressants, not anti anxiety meds. There is a world of difference between them. Look it up. Situational stress can bring about situational depression.

Hope you find a support group.

You can be the motivation for sil. Give him a date by which he has to move out. I have done it to family who did not keep up their end of the bargain. Supporting a freeloader only encourages more freeloading.

I have been looking for support groups. All seem to revolve around cancer and Alzheimers. Still looking. As far as SIL, I knew it the minute I saw him, I am a fairly good judge of character. Not sure what she sees in him, I know she is frustrated. And we have talked (I listened and didn't say a word just supported her). She is starting to look for a house and knows it will have to be on her terms. He is going to a counselor once a week. He is just not motivated in anyway. He did cook last night and did very well. I try to encourage him but he is so sullen. Lots of things bother me and I am trying to let them go. We keep a nice house and he would rather live in a pigsty and be happy. When they got engaged I put my foot down on the announcement until he got her a ring (that took over a year). Then when he had an issue with his license I made a mandate about getting it back before the wedding (that took almost a year more). He moves at the speed of stop because everyone else will do for him mostly his mother. After they were married she drove him everywhere...... Hence living with his parents for 3 years..... (We don't do anything for him).
As far as me I am trying..... My wife overheard dads conversation with my sibling about his nightmares and falling out of bed, he was on speaker phone, she changed the subject immediately, when he brought it up again she cut the conversation. Gee you would think a nurse would be interested in his health. So that is it, I am all on my own for dads care except the fact she is buying him a new phone this week. Gee the "divorced syndrome", good parent, bad parent,. one buys the toys and one sets the rules....
I know it could be worse....... I keep telling myself. I have to be positive! Dang this positive thing sucks
Tired.... just tired... Next week 3 days away with my wife, a little business and a little vaca.

TG, why don't you go to the Alzheimer's group?

What specific kind of support group are you looking for, if not one for someone who has an elderly parent who is on the decline living with them?

Does it matter if your dad hasn't been diagnosed yet? Just go.

One more thing; when my grandma moved out of her apartment many years ago, my mom and her sister set up a schedule, two week at a time with each family. Grandma didn't have any cognitive decline at the time and mom and my aunt lived fairly close to each other, so getting grandma to and from wasn't a big deal.

You need to contact your siblings and set up a specific schedule if you want that to happen, perhaps two months at each home, on a rotating basis. Don't wait for someone else to make it happen. Tell them that this is the new plan, going forward. As in....

"going forward, Dad is going to stay with each of us on a rotating schedule. Two months at each of our homes. We will keep Dad until the end of February. He will spend March and April at sibling X, and then moved to Sibling Y for May and June, returning back here for July and August.

Dad living with us full time is having a disastrous effect on my wife's health and my business. The plan needs to change immediately.

If one of you is interested in an alternative, like finding dad an affordable apartment near you or a care facility, I am happy for you to do so."

Thanks, Sibling #1 will not even call nor allow him to come to his house (or any of us). Sibling #2 is living in denial. Even if I did ask it wouldn't happen so I know not to even ask. I am pretty much the black sheep now so. I am trying, took the dogs for a nice walk today to get some air for me. Now some time with dad doing some trim work, that he can do, clean up a glass he broke in the kitchen this AM? No. He is happy working with wood although I do not have the room to set up a shop unless my car sits outside all the time. So I have to find ways to make this work without killing myself (not literal), although I am experiencing the same symptoms I had 20 years ago when I was on the road with my former job. Stress induced. They went away as soon as I changed jobs. Hmmm funny how that happens. As for place for him to live elsewhere that wont happen. It would make it worse for me. I will reach out to some of the counselors with the other organizations.

Yes, the alz group will be caregivers and will be dealing with things like self-centered people and narcissism. I think you would find some kindred spirits. Worth a try for a few sessions anyway. You are burnt out and some of them will be too.

Re the ETOH, it is a depressant, and though often used by depressed people in an attempt to make them feel better, in the long run it makes them feel more depressed, as well as the other negative emotional and physical side effects.

Tgeng, let your real feelings (not the "positive" ones you are trying to drum up and rather obviously not succeedng) drive you to change your behaviours, don't suppress them. Feelings are there to tell you something is wrong, to help you make choices that are better for you, not to be suppressed. Example: you are fed up with sil and his failure to take responsibility for himself. I think most people would be in your position. The answer is NOT to increase your expectations of yourself in terms of putting up with more and more of this and being positive about it. That is dysfunctional and totally unrealistic. Do you not see another answer?

I hear you about your sibs. Mine is less than helpful too.
Reaching out to counselors would be a great move forward for you and your wife.

Hope you have a good vacation and come back with some new ideas of how to cope. ((((((hugs)))))

Just frustrating. trying to work with dad today, not going well. he is very knowledgeable but when I am trying to do the work it is having a back seat driver and TBH today does not fly well with me. I appreciate his help and technical advisory role but it gets to a point and today is not the day. It is hard for him to watch others do the work and it is hard for me to take criticism. So while I choose to invite him to help it is a hard place being the child. Feels like it was 40 to 50 years ago. Same way I don't do exercise classes too much like gym class, too many bad memories. This is why I work alone. Vicious cycle.

TG, maybe you explained this, but I can't remember and can't find it. What, exactly, is your Dad's impairment? He is lonely and he is old and he is broke, and those can be good reasons to live with you. But is there anything more wrong?

I highly recommend using a Adult Day Health Program. He could go anywhere from 1 to 5 days a week. He will get a hot lunch and have activities and people in his own age bracket to talk to. Some of them have services you can pay for right there in their facilities, such as toenail care or showers.

Another thought comes to mind: Is he well enough to contribute some work to Habitat for Humanity or other similar projects? He'd quickly find out he can't be boss, but at least his skills would be appreciated.

Could the room your daughter is going to vacate be converted to a workshop?

To all respondents who suffer in their caregiving: I've been there. I've taken care of both parents, then just my mom. I became another person - not ME. And I didn't even really notice, just kept trying and trying and trying to make Mom's life as pleasant as possible (Alzheimers' dementia). Finally, my loving husband addressed the situation with me: "Mom needs to be somewhere else. It doesn't mean you don't love her, but you can't continue -- this is hurting you and our family." I needed to hear that! I had also started counseling on the strong advice of my family doc, since I'd started symptoms of Alzheimers (memory and focus issues, etc). With further testing I was found not to have early dementia. Instead, I was under tremendous stress and diagnosed with depression without even realizing it! We've all done it: lack of sleep, like with a newborn baby (but I'm not 28 anymore!); constant concern for Mom, always planning ways to please and comfort her, keep her busy; lack of exercise and watching my own diet and spiritual needs; neglecting my youngest daughter (still in high school) and my marriage relationship . . . You know how it goes. This is commensurate to PTSD (no slight meant to our brave soldiers). PLEASE get some help. Your primary care doc can write a script for therapy and it's most often covered by insurance except for the co-pay.
My Mom moved to my sister's house in September. I'm still recovering and healing. But I'm beginning to feel like "myself", starting to have more energy, starting to think more clearly, starting to remember things, and enjoying still being a Mom and a wife. I continue therapy -- excellent Christian therapist who knows all areas of the person work together for health: physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological. And I rely on my Lord, Jesus Christ for my happiness -- not pleasing others. God bless each of you!

Wow, so many in the same situation as me. I too find myself becoming very short tempered, wanting to just run away. I have my mother for 4-5 month a year at our Florida resident for the winter then she goes back up north as my husband and I do also. I continue to bust my hump caring for her 2 acres, my sister lives five minutes away, provides meals, transports to doctors but spends no quality time with mom and my better who lives twenty minutes away sees mom every four to six month. My sister is retired, they do no traveling and could provide care for mom in the winter so I could have a break but I don't see that happening. Mom is needing more and more care and I see her moving in with us as my siblings don't take the initiative now to help so I do t see them taking her in. Thankful to God I have a caring, supportive husband who is patient and lifts me up when I need it and is very patient with mom when I am not.

TG, you are a kind, decent man. And your situation is untenable. Since the TIA, your wife is officially in worse health than your father. This is your wake-up call.

Find the strength to have the uncomfortable conversations that will make your home life appropriate for you & wife. Daughter & SIL need to go. Give them a 30-day deadline and pay their security deposit & 1st month's rent. What the h*ll -- it's only money. But write those checks to their landlord. Don't just give them cash; you know how that will turn out.

Daughter & SIL's presence -- and their revolting dog -- is a burden and a distraction. Let those 2 flounder elsewhere. Their pitiful marriage and slap-dash approach to adulthood is not something you need under your nose 24/7. And they don't even have the sense to be embarrassed by how entitled and low-function they are. OUT.

Dad has nominal income and low assets, so put him on the waiting list of every subsidized senior building in your county. Today. When his name goes to the top of the list, you pack him up and move him out. The stupid sh*t he's storing at your house will be there forever. Look beyond that and get Dad his own apartment. If you have to buy him a sofa and coffee table, so be it. OUT.

If you're concerned that [insert name here] won't be happy, tough sh*t! None of your hangers-on are happy. And you are not responsible for their happiness.

You need to be all-in for your wife. She needs and deserves a husband who is calm and focused. I know you love "Mrs TG" to the moon and back; it shows in the way you write about her. And you want as many good years with her as possible, right?

Make it happen. No more talk. It's time for action. (You can do it!)

It seemsblike a horriblevthing to say, but I was relieved to see your post. You are not alone. I have become the person I never wanted to be. I worked really hard all my life with the goal of being able to retire and travel a bit. Two months, that's what I got. My mom had to move in with me two months after I retired. I can only leave her alone for about an hour to run a few errands. She doesn't do much by herself and there's only me. The errand time, bedtime and my shower time are my only moments to myself. I am slowly going crazy. I mutter like you said you do and often it's much louder than I intended. I never had a lot of patience and now I have none! I am angry and resentful that I have absolutely no life and probably never will now. I'm getting old myself and am having health issues. To be perfectly frank, I'd rather be dead than stuck doing this.

Wow, as sick as this may sound, I'm glad I'm not on the island by myself. I am caring for my bedridden mother and a husband on dialysis.

My mother had a stroke 3 years ago and loved being the sick little old lady in her group and all the visits and cards she received. She wouldn't do her therapy thus she is where she is. She can't understand why I don't have time to sit, drink coffee, chit chat and watch tv.

My dear husband just never understood that it was his responsibility to take care of his health. Aside from dialysis, he is suffering from sun downers syndrome--my diagnosis. He tried meds but they made him sick so he refuses to return to the dr.

I also am the chauffeur for a disabled adult/child who fortunately has his own place.

I find myself being sarcastic and non-communicative. I do what I have to do. I try to just not speak rather than say something evil but every now and then it just pops out.

If my husband could just do simple things which he is capable of, it would help and I could take care of the rest of the house and such.

We are trying to get mom into a nursing facility but then dealing with paperwork and then her comments to friends and family--you get the idea.
I"m hoping this will ease the stress and give my husband and I time to do what we want without having to worry about getting help with mom.

I appreciate this area to post. Not that anyone can really help with the different situations but as least it is an area to air out the stress and realize that there are others that are going through the same or similar situations.

You don't really have to 'grin and bear it'.......that's martyr talk! You can look into Medicaid benefits for your dad, and give the rest of the herd a date to be out of the house by. I am an only child, and made the decision loooong ago that my folks would NOT move into my home, ever, period. If that sounds 'mean', so be it, but I was not willing to ruin MY life in an effort to be a caretaker for them. Besides, I'm not qualified to care for elders who have dementia issues, and/or situations that require lifting, dressing, bathroom/shower assistance, etc. I had to place both of my folks in an ALF after dad fell and broke his hip. He passed 1 year later, but was well cared for in his last year of life, by qualified caregivers, physical therapists and an in-house doctor. He also had plenty of visits from my husband and myself, along with his 2 grandchildren.

Resentment is an ugly thing, and I feel plenty of it myself in spite of the fact that my mother lives in an ALF. I am the ONLY one who's responsible for her, paying bills, managing finances, dealing with her constant 'needs' for new clothing, eyeglasses (that she refuses to wear), shoes (which she refuses to wear), calling/visiting, etc. She's a narcissistic personality who complains 24/7, so I thank God I made the decision to never have her live with me. As bad as things can get, they can NEVER get as bad as they would if she were living in my home.

Do what you have to do to maintain YOUR quality of life, and that of your wife's. Best of luck.

Everything takes a back seat right now, Had a few lovely days away on business and took my wife. Much needed down time. Slept and ate and had a great time away!
Was going to take a few days more but my wife had a symptom not to ignore before we left and had a dr appt scheduled today so now she needs to have an MRI immediately today. Hmmmm not good news today, so later today she gets a head and neck MRI scan. Praying for nothing and this is just meds. Came home to the usual last night and I really don't care. This is the priority I need to deal with right now.
Not dealing with anyone else. Have to put things in perspective, she is my number one priority.

Good news, after the MRI it was all clear. Apparently was the schoolmaster drug she just started on which I had in the back of my mind. Drugs do weird things as well as help. Big relief!
Now just have to work on the SIL and get him straightened out. Not putting up with drinking all day all week. I like to have a drink but you cant be useful if you are hammered all day. He worked for 3 days on my daughters car and got no where. I took it to the shop and 10 minutes was fixed..... Can't turn a wrench with a beer in your hand.

Sorry, but I'm losing the desire to keep pointing out the obvious to you. You've already told us SIL in an alcoholic, maybe you haven't used that word but it has become pretty clear. He has problems, you can't expect him to suddenly transform into someone who doesn't. You know what to do. You refuse to do it. I'm the last person who would recommend therapy but man, you need some one on one therapy to help you take off the blindfold and see.

Thought SIL was attending AA meetings? Guess that didn't pan out.

TG, cut them loose. You've hosted their dysfunction long enough for them to regroup and take a fresh crack at independence IF they wanted to. But they don't want to. Every day is living proof.

Every day is also living proof that they can mop the floor with you and suffer no consequences. When will that change? When you change it. You.

Your house, your guest list. It's time for them to grow the f--k up and take their sorry drama someplace else. Give them a deadline and schedule the moving van.

Working on moving them on, it is not as easy as I anticipated. I love having my daughter around. It is just the drama w the SIL. Somethings changed at work for him with an increase in pay so now they can focus on getting their own place. As for AA, he needs to go. I did not have the chance to talk to him last night but will tonight.

TG, don't dwell on how much you'll miss your daughter. She'll be back on your doorstep someday, possibly with kid(s) in tow.

Their marriage has little chance of surviving. I don't see any hint of SIL wanting to take control of his addiction and/or engaging enough self-discipline to direct his paycheck toward an independent lifestyle.

As for women with baby fever, it always ends one way: with a baby. Regardless of how useless the bio dad is.

Had a big blowout last night. I was in my office, the SIL cooking dinner. Then I heard my wife arguing with him. I listened at the bottom of the steps (learned a long time ago to let her get it out). Then after 5 minutes he raised his voice. That is when I stepped in. I was very calm. He had been drinking and was getting argumentative. She had enough. After 15 minutes of his whining, crying and excuses I gave him the ultimate get help. He said he was going to AA, I called BS, if you are going to AA you are not drinking.... He said he is going to a counselor. Good, He has depression, We went round and round. After it all settled he went upstairs to my daughter. They argued for a while (first I had to get her out of the bathroom where she hid). After a bit he raised his voice with her and my wife lost it. Finally it all calmed down, round 2 of crying. I just told hm to get help. I will get him the help what ever it takes. This is the way it is. So he has a choice, get help or get out. My mother used to write me letters when I got out of hand, They worked. So today he got a letter, locations of AA to go to today. Rules of the house or don't live here. Pretty simple, Get help and help out. Also at the end, this is the last time I will have this conversation with him, the next one will not be so pleasant.
We are done, my daughter is done. My wife stated to him she may have a stroke over this as her BP was up. Both of us dealt with this as children with our sibling. I am not going to deal with this in my home. Luckily my dad was not home to listen to all this. Don't need more input of miss-info getting out to family.

To be the sandwich generation.

I'm glad you have set some boundaries, I'm sorry that it had to take a yelling match before you got there. Just be certain to have the line clearly drawn and set in stone because even a little bit of ambivalence will allow him/you to backslide and before you know it you'll be right back where you started from.

Tg, I think one of the most important things in dealing with an alcoholic is not to prop him up. Some families will enable the behavior so long that the alcoholic ultimately gets to the point that it is useless to try to change. They're 50+ years old, broke, and in poor health. I get the strong feeling that he needs to stand on his own feet out of your house. I do think you need a no-alcohol rule in your house. Your house, your rules. If he wants to drink, he'll have to go somewhere else. Of course, the rest of you will may also need to stop any type of drinking in support of him. If he can't stop drinking, it will be because he doesn't want to stop. If he doesn't want to stop, there's not much you can do. But you don't have to live with it.