I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

There have been many times that I feel like I have no patience! All the things you all have shared....I feel! I too miss the me I use to be. I too wonder what I will be like later. I am honest with myself and know it too won't be easy! Thank you all for sharing!

First of all,Thank you all for sharing! I to have a problem with being so IMPATIENT! I miss the old me and wonder if she will ever be back! I also know that at the end of this journey as my Mother's caretaker I more than likely feel a great loss! Thank you all for sharing!

Oh TG, nothing like a crisis to get your priorities straight!
There are so many things that could be causing your wife's symptoms and I have to admit stroke was not on the top of my list, but I hope it is nothing more than stress and can be fixed with a little R&R.
Keep putting that wonderful woman first and yourself at a close 2nd, be d*mned with the rest of them. ((HUGS))

Let me just say --- you are not alone! I think it is normal to feel the way you do and yes it is overwhelming being a caregiver and working and having a houseful of people. I too have struggled with being my old self, meaning pleasant and not irritated with the situation. I know first hand how you feel as that is my situation as well. However, I am single, my daughter and grandson moved in with me and I have been a caregiver to my mom who has dementia for over 8 years. Did I say I work fulltime? I could go on and on about how it has affected me but I'm trying to focus on the positive. And that is hard at times. Because I don't feel like I have my own life anymore. I have gone to caregiver support group meetings, taken trips with friends (although I have to pay for my mom's care while I'm away) and tried to find little things to keep me going. I know it's not forever but I also realize that it's very important and encourage you to take care of yourself first! Like on the airplane you've got to put you mask on first in order to help others. Remember you come first because it you get sick who's going to step in? Don't feel guilty about feeling frustrated. Try to find more time for yourself. Hire someone to help if possible.

OMG, I feel the same way. I was known as lovable Leo (my sign). My mother in law had to move in with us about 1 1/2 years ago. My husband is the only child. He does not like his mother and vice a versa. They fight constantly but she cannot afford to go anywhere. She was, and is a very selfish woman. She was never there for my husband. Always out and left him with sitters. She never went to a school conference, a game, movie, or a Sunday picnic. He could only wear what she wanted him to. She even sent him to the dentist alone at five for the first time. Not a motherly person at all. Married 4 times for money. My husband resents his childhood very much. Now she always wants a little kiss. Says you never tell me you love me, I am still your mother. He really cannot stand her, and is just trying to do the right thing. I get stuck in the middle and feel like exploding most of the time. I do stay in my room. I have put on 15 lbs in a year and a half. I do go out socially with friends, belong to a gym and a hiking club. After we left her alone on Super Bowl we paid for it for 2 days. She complains constantly her dentures hurt so the day after Super Bowl she was going to show me and refused to go to the dentist. Guess what, all day yesterday I had to hear how much her teeth hurt. She is 90 and Bipolar, mean bitter, and not a friend in the world. She met a man up the block and he asked for her phone number. He didn't call after one day. She knocked on his door and marched in his house, took her number off his fridge and told him if he was not going to use it, he didn't need it. Please just pray they don't give me a heart attack! I have no solution for you but I feel a little better knowing I am not alone. Thanks for letting me rant. I did see in the paper the have a caregiver support group near by. I am going to look into it. It can't hurt.

You have too much n ur plate. You won't like this...But the kids have to go and the animals to. There are Temporary services where they can get a job and get hired on permanently. That's how most places hire now. Then maybe they can get an apartment together. Maybe it's time for a NH for Dad. He probably can get Medicaid.

You r going to make yourself sick with all this stress. I had to bring my Mom to my house because her Dementia had progressed where she could no longer be alone. I hated it. Why? Because out of four kids I was the one who was always there. I helped t raise a Gson while his Mom finished school. They lived with me for 3 years and my house looked like a tornado hit it all the time. Mom is in an AL at the moment. It's better but we r still restricted when it comes to vacations. Mom is a fall risk and someone has to be there at the hospital since AL personnel cannot go with her. That means I have to make sure someone is available if she falls again. My retirement has been babysitting another Gson right into 24/7 with Mom. The last few months have been nice and like posted I have slept better.

You and wife need to get away and talk things thru. The kids can watch Dad.

I too am slipping toward my dark side. My personality is positive and cheerful. I can find the best in any situation. Right? I can handle any problem with a little imagination and verve. Right? Wrong. My FIL moved in with us over a year ago and it's been nothing but stress for me. He's sexually inappropriate. Every. Day. I stopped telling my husband about it because it upset him so much. It never changes, so why complain? Just deal with it. Thank the Lord he's gone every other week or I would have cracked before this.

But I'm cracking. I have cold sores all the time. I didn't have them for years! And I need knee replacement surgery. I mean, it's bad. It's been bad for the last year. I don't want to have the surgery and then be trapped in the house, immobile and on painkillers, needing to take care of myself, just have some peace and quiet... and Mr. Ready to Trot is sitting right there with me. And my pain is pretty bad at this point. That's not helping. I'm getting irritable. I'm fighting off the old man in meaner ways... and I hate myself after. I'm starting to resent this situation I'm in.

I told my husband I need the surgery. Like yesterday. And he has been wonderful. He's said all along that I should just get it done and "we'll deal with it." But I'm not feeling hopeful. I'm about to go through major surgery and risks, and I'm stressing, and... I'm turning into someone ungrateful and mean. Thanks to everyone for all the good advice in this thread. It's just what I needed. I guess I have to grow a spine and stop pretending to be Suzy Sunshine.

You need a break! Caregiving is going to take a toll on any body!

TG, I hope that you view this event as a wake up call.

You need to tell your daughter and sil that they are leaving Feb 28th, or sooner.  (Your daughter likely came home in the hopes that someone would tell her to ditch this loser. If you're not going to oblige her, then just kick them out and make her start to own her choices).

You need to pack up dad' s car and send him to one of your siblings. "My wife has been diagnosed with a serious, life -hreatening condition. Someone else needs to care for Dad now. We did our bit. No, I can't discuss her condition. Her doctor says she needs complete rest. Dad will be there in 2 days. Here's his cell phone number".

Don't overthink this.
Just do it.

Sometimes you have to make the decision, me or him. I knew pretty much out of the gate with my husband that I didn't like his Mom, that we were not going to be friends, etc.etc. If I had fallen into line and got with the program like they all expected I would have been living with her and her husband, and basically become their servant. But one day I was sitting in the backseat of the car, Hubs had gone into a store and we were all waiting for him. Hubs parents proceeded to tell me that this is what is going to happen, you are going to move here and do this, blah, blah, blah. It was then that I turned into what Hubs sister refers to as "not a very nice person" She won't let me talk to her children. I am the pariah, simply cause I chose to not become a doormat.

One day you have to decide for yourself do you want to be happy or is it so important to you to "do the right thing" that it's worth ruining the rest of your life.

I am not liked very much by Hub's family but you know what? That's A-okay with me cause if I had done what they expected, my Hubs and I would probably not be together anymore and for what? So I can make a bunch of selfish people like me? Not worth it.

I think what you are feeling is entirely normal. I am an adult with a mom in a nursing home with dementia. I work part time and have a husband and teenage son. I feel tired all the time. Finding a balance with all of these responsibilities is daunting. I try to treat myself with a meal out just the three of us, or sometimes curling up in my blanket and binge watching my favorite tv. or old movies. Please try to carve out some time for just you and your wife, it will lift your spirit and it is not selfish to take care of you. It is called burnout, and maybe a neighbor or friend can visit your parent while you just even take a nap . I hope this helps know that their are others in the same situation. Prayers and hugs

Depression is treatable but it is not curable

I disagree. It is curable if it is the temporary type. There is a biological depression that runs in some families that cannot be cured. Bipolar depressions also cannot be cured. These, however, can be treated. The depressions that are not genetic tend to respond well to treatment and can be cured.

tg, is your wife going to do a follow-up with a neurologist? I wouldn't dismiss this. I would also have some scans of her blood vessels to make sure things were flowing right. There are only three things I can think of that give the symptoms she is having. If the neurologist and vascular doctor don't find anything, she may be having panic. Panic doesn't usually cause loss of use of a limb, though. It just feels like something is numb or tingling, even when a limb is totally okay. Panic disorder is a strange thing, indeed, but it sounds like your wife has something else to me.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's TIA. I'd take that as an opportunity to make some changes as Barbbrookyln suggested above.

It sounds like the issues with you and your dad are longstanding and are based on interpersonal incompatibility. That's pretty tough to work out after all these years, especially, if you are the only one working on it. And with your dad being of advanced age.....how likely is he going to change? Waiting for things to magically improve or dad to see the light, become more in line with what you think he should be, etc. is likely not going to happen.

I'd figure out what is really important to you. Are you going to just keep stewing in it and be the martyr or have him move elsewhere? There are ways to get him out of your house. It's doable. Seniors with limited funds are helped through programs all the time. If you want to, and just need the courage, then, I'd see a counselor to help build some skills to help me.

I'm sure you know that staying in a constant miserable state of mind is NOT good for your physical or mental health. What happens if you become disabled?

No one can make you address the situation. Perhaps, you'll do it when you are ready.

Sounds like you need to research some good respite care. Respite care can go a long way in rejuvenating you. If I were you, I would look into scheduling respite care for you guys on a regular routine. This will give you guys something to look forward to and might keep the edge off.

Thanks for all the suggestions, I am implementing some of them aside from moving dad out, no option there.
Id love to pack all the cars and say out! But it is not in me, I am a giver I guess. Anyway, the time has come for me not to care about the other adults in the house. If I want it done I just say it now. Yesterday after I plowed 6 driveways with 15 inches of snow I come home to see my wife shoveling snow and our daughter with a shovel in hand helping but the SIL standing there. She had asked him to help but he likes to wait. We don't wait the snow gets worse when it stays. so she was out there, so while I come in the driveway I say to him he needs to be doing it. Oh that didn't go well but did I care? No, I told him my wife is NOT to be shoveling, it is his job now. So now he is getting counseling, this is what hippie up bringing does to your kids, you end up coddling them. That is the way he was brought up. Well it doesn't bode well in my house. "Get it done and get it done now" is my motto.
I am concerned with my wife now, Everyone else takes a back seat. Do what you want but don't bother me with your crap. Took some time to get there but really I don't care anymore. It's take care of your own crap now, I am not listening and I am not caring. I do things for my daughter because she is my daughter and she appreciates it. If she doesn't then it will stop. As far as SIL, he needs to buck up because I don't care anymore. As far as dad, what ever. Dinner is here at 6, do what you want but take care of your dog, we are not doing it anymore. I figure if I get grumpy enough they will all leave! ..... I would.....
I bought a couple of fitbits for the wife and me, time to get moving and take care of ourselves!
Tired of worrying about everyone else. Its us time now.

So actually the net progress is that you told your son in law to join in with the snow-shovelling. And this shook him to the core of his being.

Hm. Baby steps, I guess...

"So every day I tell myself to be nice and be patient"

TG - You need to be firm and assertive - not nice and patient. You have done enough of that. Why wait 30 secs to tell sil to take a hike. Now is a good time.

The stress has affected your wife's physical health and both of your mental/emotional states. What are you waiting for - something worse in the health department? I am glad you are considering counselling . When what you are doing isn't working, try something else.

Your dad is a narcissist. You can't expect anything reasonable from him. He will take all you give him and expect more. That is the reality. Very few families are like the Waltons. Do what you want to do without catering to him. Detach!!! Let go of the codependency. That is not being mean - that is being healthy and you will feel better when you do look after yourself and your wife.

TG, I'm glad that your wife's recent medical crisis has made you angry and determined to protect her. I hope that you, or both of you will consider going to a therapist to work on your lack of ability to set boundaries with family without anger.

One thing. My ex husband is a jerk of the same school as your SIL. He did not have hippy dippy parents, not by a long shot. He's got a personality disorder. So does SIL. Hoping your daughter wakes up to this soon.

tg, ask yourself this - if your wife's condition were serious (not minimizing the TIA), requiring you to be more of a caregiver and you didn't have the time or energy for the increased work of these three people, what changes would you make? If she needed your attention and a calm home to heal, would you be able to tell your daughter that she and SIL need to work out their issues in an apartment? Would you be able to draw boundaries with Dad about the dog, money and other stressors?

I'm suggesting you think about this because the tension in your home isn't healthy for any of you. And if you'd be able to make these changes because she's ill, then perhaps you are able to make them before she (or you) get that ill.

Also, in my experience, it's inevitable that you have to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent. At some point, you will reach "done." It is far better to start doing this while your dad is younger and healthy, than later on.

Just one thing TG, you came close to loosing your wife. Do you realize that? If she is the most important person in your life do what is necessary.
Do it NOW not after you have been to counciling that can come later.
Give daughter and SIL an eviction notice. Write them a letter with and end date when their stuff will be on the front lawn. If you have to pay their first month's rent so be it. It will be a good investment. If you wait for the "right" moment you know it will never come for you.
Stop enabling Dad, if he can't afford it he can go without, you need that money to pay for someone to do the housework to ease wife's load. What happened to her was beyond serious it needs to be followed up with a specialist. You know she has a family history, if I was close by I'd be tempted to take you by the scruff of your neck and shake you.
Make rules for Dad and make him abide by them no excuses. He is a senior on a limited income so he can qualify for all kinds of help. Take a day off and take him to your local elder care agency and see what resourses they can recommend and then to social services and request help. Tell them you wife just had a stroke and you can no longer have him in the house.
By the way a TIA is a stroke. It is called a TIA because it did not progress and was over in 24 hours. It could have progressed to a full blown disabling event. What would have happened then?
At least in our area of NYS there are several  apartment buildings where the rent is income based.
Look at his income to see what his money can reasonably cover and if necessary be prepared to pay for things like utilities or some groceries but only if he could not possible afford them himself. Do not give or lend him money. Look around and see if there are any odd jobs he could do. I know Walmart has stopped having people greeters in their stores but that is the kind of work he could do.
You have become the adult in this situation so you call the shots never mind how mean you feel.

This is so familiar. Can you get your parents out of the house? Possibly a senior center or daycare? I have had to use daycare and have the community bus pick up my spouse. I too work from home and this really saves my sanity and gives me much needed space and time for myself.
Try to let yourself blow off steam. Maybe a walk with some deep breathing. I was starting to feel concerned for my health because of stress and anger. Exercise helps. Good luck. It really is a game changer.

TG

God bless you, you ARE in a situation where being angry does not make you "mean" - you have legitimate reason to be angry! Dad will never stop being self-centered and poorly if at all responsive to anything you would like to have gotten emotionally or practically from him. That's aggravating, and that's sad. Please do not feel bad about feeling bad - being upset and angry is because you care about people and have a hard time watching others fail to do so. SIL may in fact respond to getting care for himself and firm limits being set, no enabling - daughter probably should go to AlAnon and you could too. Tough love is both tough and loving - you really don't help people by being a nicey-nice doormat and pretending not to be angry.

Trust me I know I came close to losing my wife. As I am fully aware of the medical issues I am in constant check mode. As for the kids we got good news that SIL was made a full time position at his work now. So they will be looking for a place shortly! Yea!
Giving dad some work on my addition. He seems happy to be doing something physical. I wish I had a place to make him a shop but for now I moved the cars out so he can do some minor work in the garage. Helps me helps him.
I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel? Been a difficult few days with snow in where we are. 2 days of plowing for me, tired of the snow. SIL still not much help around here. I just ignore it..... cant change him so I just ignore what I see. I tried to help guide him but I get tired.
Letting dad help with some of the work seems to make him happy, I just have to grin and bear it. I do appreciate his help and tell him so. It was just while I was working on the inside of the addition and he got up on a ladder. after scolding him and tell him he would have to live with one of my siblings if he fell and got hurt he got the message. Its like having a toddler around, turn you back and they are up doing what you said no!

When you are caregiving for a loved one it is a different dynamics entirely! I have been a professional caregiver for 20 years and I have watched families try it and the level of respect and appreciation is different and the receiver expects it from a loved one and almost becomes demanding.
I love what I do and the only time I become resentful is when I am on burnout mode so thats when I take a break and regroup. My breaks have been taking longer since I have been doing this for 20 years now.
Best wishes to you!

Trying to plan a get away at the end of the month....... need a few days away.......

Trying to plan a get away at the end of the month....... need a few days away.......

I've been through the anger, and resentment at being the only one caring for aging, sick parents with two siblings who are happy to leave it all to me. My dad died in 2008 after 3-1/2 years of palliative cancer treatment. The relief was brief, because my mom needed far more attention than my dad did because mom has dementia. Being solely responsible for mom's health, housing, finances, etc. since my dad died have been overwhelming, especially with a demanding full time job and an unsympathetic husband. I was always extremely healthy, but the chronic stress and sleepless nights have taken a toll. My advice to all is to take care of yourself. Find a therapist, a support group. Make time to do things for yourself. Hire caretakers to take a break. Move your parent into a care facility. Doing all of these things helped me cope. Love and peace to you all.

I like the support group thing...... better than a therapist for me anyway. Have to check one out.