I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

TG, I feel compelled to ask, was SIL upset with YOU? Or with the fact that the repair cost more than he thought it would? (And he DOES have bills; he has a loan he needs to pay back to the bank, right?).

You said you figured out the truck problems because you didn't want the neighbors bothered with the noise of a broken exhaust system. You accomplished, that, yes? If that was your goal, then you done good!

One of the things that will help you is learning that if someone nearby is unhappy, it's NOT always YOUR fault that they are unhappy, nor is it your duty to "fix" their situation.

It's a hard lesson to learn. I know. I had to unlearn years of doing that, and causing myself much unhappiness. Just because I THOUGHT I knew what would make someone happy doesn't mean it's actually what they want to have happen.

He could live with them if and only if they would let him or he wanted to. Wouldn't work with brother because he is a complete narcissist plus he and dad dont bond that well (unless he was getting a pay check like before). Sister maybe would allow it but BIL they wouldn't live well together. Suffice to say I am the only one who he gets along with. He is able to visit my sister but that is about where it ends. I am sure if I wasn't here she would take him in but we are not at that point. Once I made my bed I have to lie in it I guess.
AS far as my daughter, she is as ready as I am but her loser husband is in the way. I tried being nice now I am just going to be a PITA. Tired of his dysfunction, laziness and sloppiness. I didn't raise my daughter this way, not sure why she fell for him. As far as I am concerned he is a loser. Yes he works but he is all about himself and not helping her. I look for places for them but he wont help with applying for a mortgage. Again he is her problem. I am pissed at him because he is wasting her time. She wants kids and a house and apparently unless someone buys it for him that wont happen. Not happening here, I bought my own at 25.
Yes I need a therapist, need someone to talk to other than my wife who is in the same boat with me. Luckily we get it and trust each other and talk a lot.
Not cooking for everyone now, (They are eating a lot of pizza lately, oh well). No one cooks but me. Wife and I have been getting out more so you all are on your own, good luck with that!

Print every page of all of your threads (see below) and take them to a psychiatrist:

1. I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. (Asked 4 months ago; 302 answers of right now)

2. My Dad's moving in with my wife and I soon. How do I handle this? (Asked 3 years ago; 98 answers)

3. When do I get concerned about Dad's mental health? (Asked 1 year ago; 33 answers)

4. So stressed with Dad living with me, losing ways of coping. (Asked 1 year ago; 206 answers)

5. How do you handle basthroom (sic) issues with an older parent? (Asked 4 months ago)

6. I have begun to be a professional caregiver (non paid) Am I sick?

7. "Your (sic) not the only cold you know", says my sister..... (Asked 2 years ago)

Venting is one thing and your pattern of engaging on this forum is quite another. You have an excuse or "yes...but" for practically everything. If you put half as much effort into pondering the HUNDREDS of answers you have received on this forum, or talking to a mental health professional, that you put into resisting and complaining about why nothing seems to get better for your, you would be better off.

OK, I think I am done here............. signing off...............

TG, It does not take a psychiatrist to discover that you are getting something out of the martyr role.
It must have taken NYDIL time to gather all that valuable history in order to help you gain insight. Now, it is what you do with it that matters. Taking your ball and going home is not going to help you. See you next week!
After the full moon maybe.
These were also your words:

"not the way i want it to be. Feeling like a child at times."

What does your wife say to you at these times?

Check your blood pressure please.

Eat some parsely.
Try deep breathing, slowly.

TG, I hope that you can find a good mental health professional and that you continue to post here and let us know the progress you are making in your question to get your life back.

I think NYDIL asked you to print off your original qiestions, not be mean (as I think you interpreted it) but as a suggestion to show a therapist what you've been dealing with.

People don't change overnight. It takes real effort to change behavior patterns that we've developed since childhood. You ARE getting something out of the role of long-suffering son. I suspect it is reinforcement of your idea of being a "good guy"...you don't appear to be able to see yourself as a good guy AND say no when it's reasonable.

TGengine,
See the movie: "THE NEVER ENDING STORY"
It will help you to not give up your quest.
Movie quotes:
G'mork: If you come any closer, I will rip you to shreds.
Atreyu: Who are you?
G'mork: I am G'mork. And you, whoever you are, can have the honor of being my last victim.
Atreyu: I will not die easily. I am a warrior!
G'mork: Ha! Brave warrior, then fight the Nothing.
Atreyu: But I can't! I can't get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia!
[G'mork laughs and Atreyu gets a little angry]
Atreyu: What's so funny about that?
G'mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
[laughs]
Atreyu: That's not true! You're lying.
G'mork: Foolish boy. Don't you know anything about Fantasia? It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?
G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!
Atreyu: Who are you, really?
G'mork: I am the servant of the power behind the Nothing. I was sent to kill the only one who could have stopped the Nothing. I lost him in the Swamps of Sadness. His name... was Atreyu.
Atreyu: [the ground shakes again and Atreyu is knocked down. He grabs a knife shaped piece of broken stone and stands up, ready to fight] If we're about to die anyway, I'd rather die fighting! Come for me, G'mork! *I* am Atreyu!

TG don't give up. Everyone is a work in progress. Including myself. The fact that you came on this forum is itself an example of progress. I get in my own way a lot too. But never give up on yourself. Don't let hurt because of one person's remarks make you put those walls up. Let yourself get knocked down and keep getting back up.

Maybe, take a break from this site if you want..............and then come back with renewed hope. You can do it.

I'm reading an interesting book called "Switch, how to change things when change is hard". Its based on the psychological fact that people have two separate “systems” in their brains—a rational system and an emotional system. The rational system is a thoughtful, logical planner. The emotional system is emotional—and impulsive and instinctual.  And the emotional system, when overloaded stops any action from the rational side.  When the two systems are in alignment, change can come quickly and easily but when they’re not, change can be grueling.

The emotional system can exhaust you and that is where you are right now.
The book explains the why/how in those situations where change is hard its possible to align the two systems and overcome the internal conflict about making a difficult change by breaking it down into small steps.

Perhaps reading this book could help (actually its a 5 star book because it applies to everything we all do in making decisions, achieving goals)

You are overwhelmed looking at the "BIG" picture about making a change with your father (because there are many facets to doing it and it is a very emotional thing) and that, in itself is overwhelming and exhausting you.

Instead, set long term and short term goals. Small short term goals are reachable, baby steps to get to the ultimate goal. If you do agree to go for counseling after you sort out your feelings then a counselor can help you make a plan.

I'm reading an interesting book called "Switch, how to change things when change is hard". Its based on the psychological fact that people have two separate “systems” in their brains—a rational system and an emotional system. The rational system is a thoughtful, logical planner. The emotional system is emotional—and impulsive and instinctual.

When the two systems are in alignment, change can come quickly and easily but when they’re not, change can be grueling.

The book explains the why/how in those situations.  Where change is hard its possible to align the two systems and overcome the internal conflict about making a difficult change by breaking it down into small steps.
TG, I'd recommend reading the book which will help you to break down  the "BIG" emotional picture about making a change about your father.  It isn't some crazy psych book, its a 5 star recommended book used by business people, CEO's, etc.   (Your problem is a very emotional thing, and full of many separate actions you must do - and that, in itself is overwhelming you so you can't plan it out.    If you do agree to go for counseling, once you resolve your feelings, maybe the counselor could help you work through a step by step plan.

Perhaps seek per day elder care or respite care in your area. For my disabled mom, it's $65 for a day care type situation or $150 for overnight respite care, and she requires a lot of hands on care. Can't do it often but it's several hours in a row of needed relief when at the breaking point. And then you're not the one having to leave the house for time alone.

How about having your parent spend a day at Adult Day Care, giving you a break. I am just beginning this journey and dealing with an extremely angry parent and very abusive. I find my self yelling back. Not how I want to handle the situation. But a long care facility may be the only option and visiting daily.

I read this yesterday and I can't shake it or let it go. To me, NYDIL's response was mean. I feel that tgengine was/is having a difficult time and, even though there's a lot of advice out there, sometimes, when we are in these seemingly hopeless situations, it's just not "heard" and we play a script in our heads of yes, BUT... and we all have our own reasons why we have these thoughts... mostly because what we have learned throughout our lives.

And yes, maybe professional help is needed and maybe, just maybe, timing is the key as well.

Are there protocols on how people should be on this forum (I'm not talking about the rules/regs/policies)? Instead of attacking tgengine, perhaps it would be best to just choose not to follow this individual's post, as it is clear that there is a high sense of aggravation with this individual. Perhaps the saying of, "You can take the horse to the water but you can't make it drink" applies here?

Ear bud, did you read the entire thread? Including the part where TG'S wife has a TIA from all the stress and Aggravation?

We love the guy, but he keeps saying " i need to be nicer"...

No, he doesn't. He needs to understand that he's taken a bunch of narcissistic takers into his home, for whatever reason. And that THEY aren't going to change.

Change, for many of us, is hard, especially those of us who were groomed by our parents to be people pleasers and who are told never to say "I want...". For many of us, seeking therapy has been of great help in getting there.

Since TG didn't seem to be able to do that, we suggested he get outside assistance.

Barb, ok. I know what you guys are saying but perhaps he just isn't ready to look at things right now and he is just trying to "claw" himself out of things. It's like being in a well... and you're trying to get out but you just can't find the "hole or brick" that you can step on or grab onto to start climbing up. So, the only thing that he can see right now is to seek help on this site -- and many have given him a lot of good advice but if he doesn't want to take it - what do you do? You can't shove it down his throat (that sounds harsh but you know what I mean).

Don't get me wrong. I agree with getting outside assistance. He just has to "see it" and want it enough to get the help.

Agreed, Ear bud. What TG HAS done is started reading the "dysfunctional family" thread and seems to be recognizing that it's not just him who has these issues.

I guess some of us get a tad frustrated when a poster keeps coming back and saying " yes, but".

Thinking that an elder, one who is a life long narcissist, is going to change into a grateful, contented, loving person because you've taken him or her into your home is a sadly frequent theme here.

At least you seem to contain yourself. I have turned mean AND crazy. Im caregiver for my husband in late stage Parkinson's and yes, the little things get ya. I can't sleep a full nite anymore due to stress. And if I try to nap my husband deliberately makes loud noises to wake me up. I could go on and on with all the annoyances he does but I don't need to. I don't have any words of comfort for you. I wish myself dead daily. Yet I yearn to just be free. To wake up and have a cup of coffee in the morning instead of to the smelly peed on bed and chores that go with it. I am sad for my husband but he is a far cry from the man I knew. He's now a 170 pound toddler who is defiant at times and demands a lot of care.

I hear you. Find like minded friends and support who lets you talk. You are not alone. You will grow past this

Thank you for all the positive responses. I am sorry that many of you have it far worse than I and I am grateful for now my issues are not as bad. I know there will be more down the road. My issues are that I allow people to take advantage of me. While I continue to take all the worries of everyone else they seem to go on with no care in the world.
Yes I do need to talk with someone but my biggest issues is I want my house back. Dogs, people, drama.
Living with a depressed, alcoholic SIL who cant find his way out of a room full of doors is an issue. Living with my father (who I love) but is all about him is an issue. Living with my daughter and concerned about her not having the life she deserves is an issue. So all of it stems to me being concerned about everyone else. Can I say to everyone "get out"? I'd like to but that wont happen. Trying to nudge the kids out is not working. Not allowed to say anything to the SIL, ready to kick him to the curb. Yes it is my house but I made this situation. Trying to be nicer and not make waves to just have a more quiet house. Was away for a week with a place to the 2 of us and it was so peaceful. Log for that again. Again, just venting...... yes I do need to talk to someone and this does help letting me get it off my chest.

Vent away, TG. Curious why you can't say anything to SIL.

So I will share here what I have just gone through in the past week. I have finally decided to take my life back. I was able to step back and see all of the destruction I was/am causing to everyone else, including my friends. I just got out of control.
I've dug my heels in the ground and I ain't budging. I want my life back and I'm taking it back. I told my mom about a year and a half ago that I need to have my life back.

TG - I understand where you're coming from when you say that you allow people to take advantage of you because I felt that way too. So I had my aha moment where I know that I can control that. It's also in my nature to do for everyone. One small thing that I did is this - If I have to do the dishes (it's their chore -- Deal was - I cook, they clean) the next day because they didn't do it then I ain't cooking dinner. My husband tells me - why don't you tell them... um... hello... Been there done that... Wash, Rinse, Repeat... So this is my next tactic... lol... saves me from having to cook 2 different meals everytime. This may sound stupid but it feels liberating. lol...

And, you ask if you can say to everyone, "get out." Well.. I have (of course they didn't)... And, I even tell them sometimes that it would be better if they weren't here. They get tired of me "going off" on my yelling tangents and getting angry at the littlest things... But do they do anything to help? No... So I have to change myself unless I truly want them out - which I don't... My family is everything to me and it kills me to put them through all of this.

I'm taking a trip in September to take a Raindrop Therapy class and I'm also going to go on a retreat in November. I'm leaving the kids and my husband here to take care of my mom... I haven't taken a trip in over 7 years... and I love to travel.... I am soooo looking forward to this!!!!

But anyway - I am going to see a psychologist to see if she can offer any help but after I decided to dig in my heels and really truly take back my life, I don't seem to be breaking out in tears in despair as much anymore.

BarbBrooklyn, falls on deaf ears and he gets "depressed"... oh pitty party. Besides wasting my time. Earbud, Roger that! We have done the I cook you clean, once in a while it works, I have begun to make one or 2 meals a week, everyone else is on their own, I had a game last night and work tonight so too bad. Wife has then picking up a roasted chicken and corn. Dinner done for them I guess. tired, exhausted, spent, done. I am managing 2 houses (my elderly neighbor who pays me to take take of things around her home and is thankful, snow, yard, house, repairs, finance etc). I could keep my SIL busy with chores there and make money but too lazy (I tried and he failed). Anyway, daughter asked for some assistance with a mortgage to introduce her to my friend at the bank (CEO).... finally some movement! Whoo hoo!
Dad is running out of money again at the end of the month, made a big deal that he made a tomato sandwich yesterday for lunch (running out of money to go out I guess)..... Wow will miracles never cease this week Should I play the lottery? Of course he asked me to cover him again this month.
Spending time going to doctors with my wife as her heart rate is up. Dr. finally told her it may be stress related... along with a change of BP meds. Stress is taking a toll on us. Managing her brother in a home in Texas, managing dad, its all too much at times. Hopefully I can get movement on getting the kids out and in a house.

You are just feeling human......... Funny how people who lived their rich full lives end up stealing rich full lives from others..........

It takes everything in me not to be a bi*** to dad, but 7 years of the same damn crap day in and day out, same routine , just groundhog day again and again. Yeah, I'm mad that he didn't plan for retirement ( he was a financial planner haha, a sh*tty one ) and I have used up my resources and credit to pay for everything. It's like I will never escape.

Speaking from a background of many years of experience, how can you NOT become a mean person? You are suddenly burdened with the responsibility of having to take care of people who are already or getting deaf, blind, incompetent, dementia, slowness and probably in some cases negative changes in personality and the list goes on. You are probably getting no appreciation or thanks from anyone and you are losing your ability to be free and live the life you have earned the right to have. How on earth could you not become frustrated and mean when your patience and pleasant personality are constantly tested with one problem and ugly situations one after another. Consider yourself normal. You may love your "patient" but I doubt they are who/what they once were - now they are old and very, very different. Do what you can to love them but if they are destroying your life and family, then you have NO choice but to remove them and place them where they can be properly cared for. They have lived their lives. Now it is YOUR turn. Don't lose the chance you have while you still have time. Don't put up with this negative stuff. Live life with your own kind of people - those who can make you the best person you can be and with whom you can enjoy life. Remove all negativity - it is later than you think. Life is too short.

More and more I think each person has but one to live and it is their only life it does not belong to another. Perhaps you can schedule him for time in rehab or gym or senior center saying it will be good for him

Dear tg, have you checked into assisted living with Medicare? They have programs for helping financially. Don’t know if he qualifys health wise but if he does it could be very helpful.

I think many of you are letting your emotions get in the way of solid, logical thinking. You can’t take it personally that your demented LOs are acting as they do. They will NEVER be what they once were, except perhaps more of the personality types they’ve always been. Narcissistic people tend to remain so. My advice is simply to take the bull by the horns and take control where and while you can. LOs just need to be TOLD what you will do and what you won’t do. While they are still cognizant, become the POA or Guardian and essentially become the parent. Once you have that, you will be able to receive help to do what is necessary for their immediate care. No meter what the relationship was like, great or awful or in between, life will go on, they won’t likely change and neither will you. If you truly DONT want the responsibility, give it to the state or someone else. Above all be kind, to them and to yourselves.

Being a caregiver is more than most people can handle, because of the all the different personalities they have, mental illness, an diseases! My mom brought me up telling me l was stupid an would have to work, an she helped me get work when l was 9yrs. a paper route! I did not do well in school an had a 100 people to deliver papers to, so school was just about attendance. What ever money l made my mom an my dad both seem to make it clear to me that they had to feed me cloth etc., so the $ l made belonged to them. So l think as l child all l ever knew was l had to be a giver, thats all l could hope for. That's about it, so that brought me back to my mom as her caregiver, l managed to care for her in her home an my disabled son living in my home, 40 miles away! I do not think my mom was mentally ok, l never got along with her. l felt she was selfish, an greedy, an used my dad for his money, dad never got it till it was to late for him, he had heart disease. Mom never seemed to miss a beat, always put on a front, an was charming to strangers, not so much with family! So as an adult, l don't know that if l and my siblings are healthy, at best we seem to me to ve dysfunctional. Now, the point of the very personal story, is l did care for my mom with dementia for over 4yrs. an yes it was the most difficult job l have ever held, l worked production for over 30 yrs in a factory. My mom never had a clue that l was her daughter, an it didn't matter, she was my mom, good bad or indifferent, so my take is if you can't do the job....DO NOT TAKE IT, there are always other options, and l am not perfect, an have problems of my own, an before we  put our parents into a category, an cause yourself so much grief is not necessary. So the rest of this story as Paul Harvey use to say is at the end of my mom's life, on her 94 birthday mom had my siblings coning to visit for her birthday, an l told mom l was going home to see my son...she said to me, l am going with you, you are my best friend and l love you, l told her she was my best friend an l loved her an we would stay at home at meet her kids. What l'm trying to tell you all, is LOVE wins out no matter of our mental illness, or anything else. I promised my mom l would walk her to heavens door and l did, an l am grateful for that! So l hope this help someone that so struggles with anger, hate, disappointment an all the other feelings that go with being a caregiver. I can do all thing through Christ that strengthen me, one day at a time. I love all the caregiver warriors, they...are angels...in disguise. God bless you all, an wishing you a Merry Christmas an hope for a better New Year.💝💝💝