I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

Smeshque: So true...there exists only one God who sent his son, Christ Jesus to take away the sins of the world for ALL WHO COME THROUGH HIM FOR SALVATION. There are many "tricksters" out there, who are nothing more than false prophets. Thank you; I appreciate your compliments while, at the same time, being careful not to be boastful. Those who offer nothing but disdain (relatives I've mentioned) I must not engage, lest I be hurt.
Big Hugs to you and your mom ((( ))).

Rosses: And to you, too...you are a wonderful, Godly individual!

Llama-thank you for your kind words. I am just doing my best to strive to be like our Saviour. But only he could do that perfectly. But he is my role model. You Ll are a very lovely and kind person. Who blesses all with your great heart. Much love and prayers for you

Thank you so much Llama, and likewise!!

Rosses and Smeshque: You are two people whom I aspire to be likened to! Blessings to you both!

Thanks Honey,
I cannot let her decend completely into dementia because I am not physically or mentally able to handle that. If I wait too long to put her in a facility, she won’t know why or where she is. That is cruel. She still has enough of her brain now to understand to a degree that her living circumstances have changed and to adjust. She will get over her fear and get familiar with her new surroundings. They will handle any trips to the hospital and I can attempt to reclaim my life while I still have a chance. I have spent the last 5 years dealing with all the drama, it’s time for me to take care of me now and not spend my life worrying myself to death what will happen today.

Hi Rainey,,I totally understand, No one really understands until they have done it. It can be very draining on us. I honestly think when you become a certain age,,your needs come first and you tend to forget about others and their needs. Sad,,Guess we all will be there some day also. My mom has fallen too and now we are thinking assisted living might not be the answer. Others feel like I maybe be running across town all the time trying to do for her and help her and think it would be easier in my own home to just walk to her den and check on her. That is my dilemma but saving my sanity is also very important and at top of list haha Hope you get some relief!!

((((((rainey))))))

I feel awful who I have become. My Mom tends to bring the worst out in me because I keep going through the same stuff over and over and over. I am beyond burnt out. Her dementia gets worse along with her denial. I have given everything up for her and all she can see is her own selfish needs and never ending wants. I can’t take it anymore and feel I am ready for the nuthouse. I am getting her into an ALF whether she likes it or not. She isn’t safe and I am sick of being sick worrying about her. I gotta get her away from me before I explode. The last fall occured ( the end of March ) out of years of this just pushed me off the cliff. Prior to that, it was in January. She had zero recollection of being in the hospital for 3 days and even how she fell. When she falls, it happens within seconds. I just can’t keep this up. Now she is crying and begging me to stay. She thinks I am over reacting but has no recollection of how many times I have been to the ER with her over the years.
It is killing my appetite, my mood, my joy of life. I hate my life as it is. She takes no notice how badly this is affecting me. I don’t think she cares either. Staying in her place next to me and all her possessions are far more important than me being miserable everyday of my life.

Is truly feel for you, as I am experiencing the same in myself. I am so tired all of the time and I hear myself saying mean things to my husband so often. I get especially upset when the whole "you took it" thing happens and ordering me around like a servant in my own home. It is difficult not to feel guilty, but your frustration is so understandable. You have friends here.

Dear patooski,

Thank your for your post. I couldn't agree with you more. I too felt horribly lost after my father passed. I'm glad to hear counselling has helped. Its been over a year and there are still days I feel lost. It is hard to rebuild and find another path. Thank you for giving me hope and encouragement.

And you in mine! Thank you..

Pat, I am so happy you see the good.

Beautifully written, Rosses.
Today was one of my harder days as well. You will be in my prayers.

Pattoski, Great that you can, despite all, find the huge blessing in such a tough journey! Realizing how much you and your dad loved each other is a tremendous gift. One that will help you heal, trust me. 
Because when all the harshness of what we have gone through or are going through starts taking over and making us feel..well, miserable, that love that you know existed and was the foundation of your perseverance in caring for your dad who you know loved you, and who you loved so much, will rescue you; love is what will save you and everyone of us. I always say that for all of us caregivers there are two possible overall outcomes, either we become bitter or we become an improved version of ourselves. No matter what everyone’s particular situation is like, at the end we all have that choice to transform ourselves into someone better or someone worse than who we were before caregiving. Because one thing is for sure, caregiving is a transforming experience!

And I’m saying this on a bad day, one of those days where one may entertain the thought of turning around and leaving a situation that seems not to get better no matter what I do or how much of myself I give. But in the midst of the darkness the blessing prevails, and reminds me that what I’m doing is bigger and higher than anything else.

So, yes, fellow caregivers, find the blessing in your caregiving journey...Finding the blessing(s) will be your light, your hope, your guidance and your safety!

I actually consider it a blessing too, in spite of what I wrote before. I came to realize it was a gift. My father and I never got along in our younger lives. We were very much alike. When I went to take care of him I didn't know what I was getting into and I had some fear about it, but I went. In the end it was the best thing ever. I realized how much I loved him and how much he loved me. I will never regret that time, no matter how hard it was.
People sometimes say well these old ones, really should we do so much for them. YES.
They did everything for us and sometimes it takes that long to realize the love.

Rosses, I am always glad for your comments. It is always a help to all who read, that is for sure.
Thank you. May God be bless you in all things.

Smeshque’s answer says it all!

Honey11,
What you brought up about people overseas who take care of their elders without even dreaming of placing them in a Nursing Home, and you falling short compared to them, I don’t think is fair nor accurate.

First of all, in MOST cases (not mine) outside the US people, as you stated, care for their elders at home...but, it’s not a one person’s job. It’s the whole family, and that’s simply the norm. There might be someone that does more than others, or does less stressful tasks, but it’s a family labor of love. The elderly are respected, loved and given a lot of consideration. 

So, there’s a world of difference between that and you being the sole caregiver, and you’re not falling short! We aren’t perfect, and caregiving is a true test of a person’s character, it actually gives a unique opportunity to get to know ourselves much better, our gifts and our limitations.

Like I said, that holds true in most cases, existing exceptions like my mom’s and my situation (originally from Nicaragua) where I’m an only child and sole everything for her..it’s a blessing, no doubt, to be able to care for her and show her -and myself- what love put into action means. Yet, that doesn’t mean it is not tough, very tough.. and very lonely.

But don’t compare your situation to anyone else’s, as each journey is unique and should be compared only to the very best you think you could do; in other words, your best self, your ability to perform the most noble actions and have noble thoughts  should be the only point of comparison!

Pat is is an extremely challenging labor of love. I know, Oh how I know.But I love, Oh how I love.
May God bless all those who are/were/will be caregivers.
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

I was OK doing it, taking care of Dad til he died, but afterwards I totally lost myself. Had no patience, couldn't put up with anything, didn't want to do anything for anybody and didn't know who the heck I was. Couldn't socialize, couldn't focus, full of negative self talk.
This will do a job on you. I have been getting counseling and it has helped a lot. But yes, be careful. So many of us are in this situation today. It is so hard. It is a whole new world for us, trial by fire, no one knows what to do or how to do it and there is really very little help.
The "system" is so confusing, full of roadblocks and false information... so unhelpful in most cases. It is hard to navigate and understand and it changes all the time.
Bless all caregivers.

I think anyone who is a caregiver does not fall short. I try to follow what my family did, car for the older generation. I am glad I can take care of my dad, I just wish it would be easier. In some ways it is but in others it is hard. Now that I am the sandwich generation it makes it even harder. I do like the fact that I have my daughter here so we can take off if need be but that wont be for long. She will be close when she moves out so that will be nice. The only reason we have my BIL in a home is due to geography and we cannot take on a full stroke patient. Some times you do what you have to do.

It is very hard being the sole caregiver and it can wear you down. What about people in other countries that the family all lives together and they take care of their elders. They would never dream of putting their parents in a nursing home. You know that they have to have issues as well but it does sometimes make me feel bad that I'm falling short...

Thanks for the insight. Sometimes I have to stand back and look. Things have changed a bit. SIL is out of the picture, Daughter kicked him out of our house 2 months ago. Stress level went from cat 5 to about cat 1. Still have dad to contend with but as long as he is busy it is OK. Still have to deal with him peeing on the floor in the bathroom (missing the toilet), to his spending too much every month. He whines to the family he has no money, makes me sound like I am a jailer.
I try not to listen to him complain and just live my life. Now that the SIL is out daughter is so much better.
Now to get through the holiday, it should be very pleasant this year.
My best wishes to all the caregivers out there. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

Being a caregiver is more than most people can handle, because of the all the different personalities they have, mental illness, an diseases! My mom brought me up telling me l was stupid an would have to work, an she helped me get work when l was 9yrs. a paper route! I did not do well in school an had a 100 people to deliver papers to, so school was just about attendance. What ever money l made my mom an my dad both seem to make it clear to me that they had to feed me cloth etc., so the $ l made belonged to them. So l think as l child all l ever knew was l had to be a giver, thats all l could hope for. That's about it, so that brought me back to my mom as her caregiver, l managed to care for her in her home an my disabled son living in my home, 40 miles away! I do not think my mom was mentally ok, l never got along with her. l felt she was selfish, an greedy, an used my dad for his money, dad never got it till it was to late for him, he had heart disease. Mom never seemed to miss a beat, always put on a front, an was charming to strangers, not so much with family! So as an adult, l don't know that if l and my siblings are healthy, at best we seem to me to ve dysfunctional. Now, the point of the very personal story, is l did care for my mom with dementia for over 4yrs. an yes it was the most difficult job l have ever held, l worked production for over 30 yrs in a factory. My mom never had a clue that l was her daughter, an it didn't matter, she was my mom, good bad or indifferent, so my take is if you can't do the job....DO NOT TAKE IT, there are always other options, an l ssu

Being a caregiver is more than most people can handle, because of the all the different personalities they have, mental illness, an diseases! My mom brought me up telling me l was stupid an would have to work, an she helped me get work when l was 9yrs. a paper route! I did not do well in school an had a 100 people to deliver papers to, so school was just about attendance. What ever money l made my mom an my dad both seem to make it clear to me that they had to feed me cloth etc., so the $ l made belonged to them. So l think as l child all l ever knew was l had to be a giver, thats all l could hope for. That's about it, so that brought me back to my mom as her caregiver, l managed to care for her in her home an my disabled son living in my home, 40 miles away! I do not think my mom was mentally ok, l never got along with her. l felt she was selfish, an greedy, an used my dad for his money, dad never got it till it was to late for him, he had heart disease. Mom never seemed to miss a beat, always put on a front, an was charming to strangers, not so much with family! So as an adult, l don't know that if l and my siblings are healthy, at best we seem to me to ve dysfunctional. Now, the point of the very personal story, is l did care for my mom with dementia for over 4yrs. an yes it was the most difficult job l have ever held, l worked production for over 30 yrs in a factory. My mom never had a clue that l was her daughter, an it didn't matter, she was my mom, good bad or indifferent, so my take is if you can't do the job....DO NOT TAKE IT, there are always other options, and l am not perfect, an have problems of my own, an before we  put our parents into a category, an cause yourself so much grief is not necessary. So the rest of this story as Paul Harvey use to say is at the end of my mom's life, on her 94 birthday mom had my siblings coning to visit for her birthday, an l told mom l was going home to see my son...she said to me, l am going with you, you are my best friend and l love you, l told her she was my best friend an l loved her an we would stay at home at meet her kids. What l'm trying to tell you all, is LOVE wins out no matter of our mental illness, or anything else. I promised my mom l would walk her to heavens door and l did, an l am grateful for that! So l hope this help someone that so struggles with anger, hate, disappointment an all the other feelings that go with being a caregiver. I can do all thing through Christ that strengthen me, one day at a time. I love all the caregiver warriors, they...are angels...in disguise. God bless you all, an wishing you a Merry Christmas an hope for a better New Year.💝💝💝

I think many of you are letting your emotions get in the way of solid, logical thinking. You can’t take it personally that your demented LOs are acting as they do. They will NEVER be what they once were, except perhaps more of the personality types they’ve always been. Narcissistic people tend to remain so. My advice is simply to take the bull by the horns and take control where and while you can. LOs just need to be TOLD what you will do and what you won’t do. While they are still cognizant, become the POA or Guardian and essentially become the parent. Once you have that, you will be able to receive help to do what is necessary for their immediate care. No meter what the relationship was like, great or awful or in between, life will go on, they won’t likely change and neither will you. If you truly DONT want the responsibility, give it to the state or someone else. Above all be kind, to them and to yourselves.

Dear tg, have you checked into assisted living with Medicare? They have programs for helping financially. Don’t know if he qualifys health wise but if he does it could be very helpful.

More and more I think each person has but one to live and it is their only life it does not belong to another. Perhaps you can schedule him for time in rehab or gym or senior center saying it will be good for him

Speaking from a background of many years of experience, how can you NOT become a mean person? You are suddenly burdened with the responsibility of having to take care of people who are already or getting deaf, blind, incompetent, dementia, slowness and probably in some cases negative changes in personality and the list goes on. You are probably getting no appreciation or thanks from anyone and you are losing your ability to be free and live the life you have earned the right to have. How on earth could you not become frustrated and mean when your patience and pleasant personality are constantly tested with one problem and ugly situations one after another. Consider yourself normal. You may love your "patient" but I doubt they are who/what they once were - now they are old and very, very different. Do what you can to love them but if they are destroying your life and family, then you have NO choice but to remove them and place them where they can be properly cared for. They have lived their lives. Now it is YOUR turn. Don't lose the chance you have while you still have time. Don't put up with this negative stuff. Live life with your own kind of people - those who can make you the best person you can be and with whom you can enjoy life. Remove all negativity - it is later than you think. Life is too short.

It takes everything in me not to be a bi*** to dad, but 7 years of the same damn crap day in and day out, same routine , just groundhog day again and again. Yeah, I'm mad that he didn't plan for retirement ( he was a financial planner haha, a sh*tty one ) and I have used up my resources and credit to pay for everything. It's like I will never escape.

You are just feeling human......... Funny how people who lived their rich full lives end up stealing rich full lives from others..........