My elderly daddy was in a Nursing home for over a year and his physical and emotional health was rapidly declining after being told that he could never return to his home after a fall and rendered him unable to walk or get around without assistance. After a bit of convincing from myself and my family he agreed to come live with me and my Husband. He has been with us a little over 4 years now and is doing well. I have a caregiver come in a couple of hours a day to get him out of bed, bathed and ready for the day. I prepare his meals and put him to bed in the evening. But, now i'm feeling trapped. I can't take a day off, My husband and I can't go anwhere that requires an overnight stay or that is too far away. My husband and I find ourselves very agitated and frustrated at the situation as well. We don't regret having him and feel guilty for feeling this way as he is so happy and doing so well but, we are losing us? Our lives revolve around him now. I often find myself getting very impatient with him, not wanting to spend time with him at all and resentful. This is not in my character at all. I have always been a daddys girl and he has always been my hero but that;s all different now. He's become very selfish and is an "all about me" person now (only with me), which he NEVER was. He doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do most of the time and rarely says please or thank you. I feel like a maid and servant to him at times. I have a hard time concentrating on my Full-Time Job a lot due to worrying about him. ie, his Health, Drs. Appts,, caregivers showing up, how am I going to pay for this or that and the list goes on. I can't imagine him not being with us as I truly love him and know that he's where he should be but, how can I get back to being me? I want to look at him that way I did without feeling the way I do. I want to like being around him and look forward to seeing him again. I don't wish any harm to him and would love for him to live forever but, I am tired and just need a break from it all. We financially can't afford to pay anything more than we do already so, here I am..Homebound and a beck and call girl and my frustration is growing larger and my patience growing thin. I love him so much but, sometimes I have a very hard time showing it as even the slightest things he does annoys me. What can I do to find some balance and peace for us all?
The reason to get rid of your resentment is so that you can be happy. If you're religious, then your other motive is to be more like the Buddha or like Jesus, but the best reason is to make yourself happier.
What has helped me is to repeat over and over, "He can't help it. It's the disease." It's 98% true. The other 2% is that he too is pissed at what has happened to him. His anger is aimed at the universe, not at you. It hits you and upsets you, for sure, but it isn't aimed at you.
Another thing that helps is to step back from your own very real misery. Think about his suffering, his shame at not being the man he was, his dependence on you. Let your compassion rise, and feel the flow of love for him as a wounded creature. Express your sympathy. "I bet you wish you could do this yourself." "Isn't it a pain how complicated they make these remotes?" With luck, he will soften, be nicer and easier to love. Even if he doesn't, you have briefly transformed yourself from a resentful drudge into a wise, strong, compassionate person who deserves a pat on the back. Do pat yourself on the back, because no one else will!
The real lifesaver in our house is humor. When he orders you around, can you reply, "Yes, your lordship!" Lots of guys enjoy irritating their lady love. If you suspect he's like that, let him know in a super-dramatic way that he has succeeded in getting under his skin. If he laughs, everybody feels better. Let him win whenever you can. When he wins, everybody is happy.
It sure sucks, but there are things we can do to make it a bit easier. I hope I've helped a bit.