How do I get back to being "Daddy's Girl"?

Many of the people on this message board could tell exactly your story. Your father is not the same person he was when you were growing up. His world is smaller and smaller until he only focuses on himself. This is extremely common for the elderly. And, since he requires 24 hour care, this falls on you. But it doesn't have to.

You feel obligation to help him as you are his daughter...sometimes this means realizing that no single person can care for someone 24 hours a day. In fact, 3 shifts of people at 8 hours each are needed to care for someone in his condition. By putting him into a care home you are not abandoning him...you are getting him the best care possible. And, when that happens and you are no longer responsible for the every day care and trapped in your home, you WILL become daddy's girl again. You will be the advocate for his care, you will be the visitor who can share happy moments, not the snippy frustrated angry person you are now. Not only will he get a higher level of care, but he will also get his daughter back. And you will save your marriage. Find him a care center (probably a nursing home with an option to move to memory care when necessary) and EVERYONE will have a better quality of life.

Angel

Angel, thanks for your response. He actually doesn't require 24 hour care at all. He's just unable to walk, therefore he can't get into and out of bed alone. IF the time comes that he does require 24 hour care, I will look into a facility but that is absolutely not going to happen right now. He would be crushed and my husband nor myself sees that as an option at this time. I was just needing relief every so often not, a way out.

What is his income? SS, pension? I hope it is all being used to pay his way, including respite care.

You and hubby are due for a second honeymoon, right? As you budget for it, include the cost of additional help for Dad while you are gone.

You are never going to be Daddy's Girl again. Heck, you are never going to be a girl again. We grow, change, evolve, improve, decline ... and our relationships evolve, too. That doesn't mean you can't have a close and satisfying daughter/father relationship, but it isn't the same as it used to be. Accept that, and work with reality.

When dad was your hero and you were his princess you probably never thought of needing to set boundaries. He is treating you like a maid? Don't respond like a maid. Help with what he needs help with when he asks nicely, but don't help with things he could do himself. Establish the chores he contributes to the household with. With mobility problems this is obviously not mowing the lawn or vacuuming the carpet. But there are surely a lot of things he could do that would be helpful (and incidentally contribute to his self-worth.)

The nature of the relationship has changed, but not in a direction you like. Accept that it is never going to be what it once was, but work on steering it in a healthy direction. Even if you can't be Daddy's princess, you don't have to be his maid!

Can you increase the home care? Get support from any other family members, talk to your home healthcare manager about resources, etc. Maybe join a Caregiver Support group where you can talk to others who have had similar issues as yours or you could talk to the facilitator of that group to see what ideas you can gleem. I know this, you both need time away, monthly, just for you. Your relationship is a re-charge that can only benefit your father, let alone the both of you. Right now you need access to people who know what to do in this case-experts (who know more than me). I don't know what state you are in but a search of senior support and senior caregiver services might be in order.

Consider some sort of assisted living. Many on this forum have felt overburdened, used and just plain tired of providing care. You would be surprised the number of people that finally realize they cannot do it alone any longer. When the decision is made to move parent to a facility it is normal to feel guilt over this. But it can be worked through.

Things are much different now, as Jeanne said, you will never be Daddy's little girl again, he has become your responsibilty, and the older he gets the harder it will become. When he is moved, then you will become a daughter again, the one that watches over him instead of being responsible for him 24/7. Hand the responsibility of his daily care over to someone else, get the respite you so badly need, then those good feelings may come out again.

Are you certain that hubby wants dad to remain in your home? Caregiving for a parent is a huge stressor on a marriage.

You need to find a counselor or a mental health professional who has experience supporting caregivers to help you work through your feelings. You say he does not need 24 hour care but it seems like he needs mobility support to be able to have some independent functions. I believe he might also need a Mental health professional to support him and maybe anti depressants would help his crankiness. Offer him empathy when he is cranky. Saying Daddy, I know this is difficult, I am sorry you are struggling will go a long way. You definitely need some time to recharge. If you go online and pull up any article on compassion fatigue or a caregiver stress assessment you will be able to recognize where you are. The cure for what you have is self care and self compassion. You are trying to care from an empty vessel. Many personal care / assisted living facilities offer respite care. You could take him to respite care to go on vacation. As an aging life care professional and a counselor I often recommend respite care in a good personal care home. Often after a short stay the person being cared for likes the place and wants to stay. In our area there are personal care homes that accept someone's social security as payment. I have found that the socialization that someone receives in personal care can reduce the crankiness because they have a purpose. Then you can visit daily. You are in a fog of overwhelm. It's much like the feelings of having a new baby. I am saying prayers for you.

Finding a good Senior Group Home in your area would be better then a nursing home. When my dad could no longer walk or do the thing's he used to I toured different group home till i found a good one home cooked meals, people his age, his own room we decorated like his house,tv in his room,we brought animals to visit,doctor on call when needed,2 or 3 caregivers round the clock .I was Daddys girl too whenever he needed me ,my husband would always go and do his handyman work at home.I to thought about bringing him home to my house,but in reality I couldn't be super woman without ruining my own life .it's not selfish I visited him everyday and still helped when I was there he would ask when is he going home but I just changed the subject and he would talk about something else I knew I found a good place and could live with knowing he was cared for I hope this helps you

I'm in Australia, so perhaps things are different to where you are, but in my recent experiences, I would do everything in my power to avoid having my parents go to a Nursing Home. If only I could have had a second-chance at that, with what I've learnt. Sadly, it doesn't happen that way. But I do appreciate that sometimes we can't do what we would like to be able to do, so don't blame yourself if at some point in time entry to a Nursing Home becomes necessary. In the meantime, have you considered "Respite Care"? Over here, you're entitled to 30 days per year of respite care for your loved-one/s. It's only small in the scheme of things, but it might be something that will at least allow you to draw breath to think about things more clearly, and to simply take a break.

I cared for my Dad full-time for 6 months before he passed away. During that time Mum was in a Nursing Home (yes, I have regrets, grrrr) and I travelled between the two, bringing one to the other most if not all days, so they wouldn't be spending the last of their lives apart.

It was darned hard, not to mention stressful. Didn't help that I have a couple of nasty minded siblings who went out of their way to make things more difficult, unpleasant for me. But that aside ...... I was lucky. My Dad was always very grateful, kind, understanding and it made doing things for him a pleasure, even if the hours in a day never felt long enough to get everything done. I found myself switching between "daughter" mode and "carer" mode often. So whilst a carer for Dad and for that matter, Mum, the daughter/parent relationship was always there and would quickly return as appropriate. My Mum had dementia and I was heavily in "advocacy mode" for her. But there would be those little moments when I faltered, Mum would always recognise it despite dementia, and up would pop "Mum" for me. I don't know how she managed it, even in the very advanced end stage of her dementia. But she did. Bless her.

None or perhaps just only a bit of this might help you. I don't know. But I wonder, with your Dad, perhaps he feels disempowered due to his incapacitation. Maybe empowering him wherever and in whatever small ways you can? Asking him his opinion? Explaining choices (on anything) and what he wants, what he would do? Providing him with jobs to do (even ones that you might not really need to have done or care about yourself) would provide him with the self-esteem he may have lost and which might be the route of the cause for his negativity ???

Good luck, and good on you for loving your Dad and helping him. It's not easy but I can tell you from this end that it is something I have done that I will never ever regret a minute of nor wish I'd changed, even at the hardest of times.

Is your Dad a Veteran? There are many resources available that could either allow you to have someone come in to help with housework, spending time with him, possibly taking him out. There are Day Care options. And ...this is the one you need..Respite. That will allow you to get away for a while and relax.
Angel is correct in that if your Dad were in assisted living he would have the help he needs when he needs it. He would have activities that would keep him busy and people that he can talk to and possible day trips to keep him involved and entertained. This also allows you to get your life back, be the Daughter you want to be, the Wife you want to be.
Allowing someone else to manage the day to day things lets you stop being a caregiver and be a daughter and wife.
If you really want to keep your dad at home with you then you need to have a serious talk with him about how you feel. This is only if he is competent and can fully understand the discussion. Set some ground rules. and stick to them. There are volunteer services that can take him to doctor appointments if he can manage alone.
If he is fine alone is there a reason why you and your husband could not get out for a "date night" ? (if you haven't) If you want to stay out late ask the person that comes in in the morning to get him up if they could do the same one evening and get him into bed.
You do need to take time for yourselves. You are burning out. But you do not need anyone to tell you that!

There's a lot of good advice here. I would suggest you start looking at assisted living facilities now with an eye to both respite care and eventual placement. It's time for you and your husband to have some time for yourselves. Put the old guy in respite care for a week or two and go to the mountains or the shore and focus on one another. Take whatever time you need to get a perspective on your life with each other and life with Dad. You will find yourselves in a better position to decide what to do next. It may be time to consider assisted living. Who knows? As a frequent visitor, you might be able to recover some sense of being "daddy's girl" in a way that isn't possible with his being fully dependent on your care.

I also was daddy's little girl until the last three years of my father's life. He became difficult to deal with and only cared about his needs. He lived with me and my family for 15 months and when that became difficult for all involved, he moved to a lovely assisted living facility. Still I was never more than a phone call away and I did not get much relief from being the only person in the world who was willing to deal with my father in those last difficult months. He was very hard on me, but bragged about me to the staff at his ALF, how I took such good care of him and my son with autism. Looking back, I am glad I was able to be there for my father but relieved that I am no longer caught up in such a stressful situation. My advice would be to set limits on what you are doing for your dad and make time for you and your husband. Perhaps a friend or church member would be willing to stay with him one evening a week. You may not be able to get away, but you need those little pockets of time for yourselves.

I am an only child. After dad had his stroke I tried my best to keep him in his home. I felt that it was the only place for him. 24 hr live in aides......8 in 3 months. I had to do their grocery shopping, take the clothes to the laundromat and take dad to his appointments. I lived 30 min away. I lost me. I was so mentally exhausted that I gave up doing anything that I enjoyed. My life revolved around my dad. One appointment with his doctor, he looked at me. Doc told me I couldn't keep up the pace and that dad had no stimulation at home. I then started looking for AL facilities. Best thing I could have done for both of us. He adjusted quickly. People around him, always something going on, etc. I will say that he has dementia, so maybe the transition was easier, but it was guilt that kept me from not placing him in the beginning. There's nobody but me to do for dad. I'm still his little girl, but a happier girl.

For your own marriage to succeed, you will need to stop being "Daddy's girl", grow up and put your father back in a facility so professionals can care for him. You can visit, and what you are experiencing is caregiver burnout.

If you have been doing this job for four years without a break, you will be burned out and it is no surprise. What job could anyone do for that long without proper time off for rest and recreation?

You are doing pretty well to remember, even, how much you love and care for your father deep down; and that you really do is clear from everything you say.

But in all the stress and labour of the care you've been providing, even the strongest emotional bond can be broken beyond repair. So before you get to that stage, rethink the whole schedule. Look at the budget, remembering that Daddy's care can quite legitimately be charged to Daddy's income, and work out a proper diary that includes real time away for you and your husband together as well as routine support at home. It's a need, not a want. Without it, the bad feelings that are so painful for you are going to get out of control.

I can feel how torn you are between your resentment and your love for your father. It's OK to feel this way, and it's OK to be conflicted, because the role reversal is huge and most of us didn't expect to be caregiving for our parents, did we? It's a big adjustment.

My father is lost in his dementia, but I feel still that I'm his "little girl", and he loves to talk about when the family was young and all five children were going concerns for him and my mother. I encourage his long-term memories in the absence of short-term ones, and perhaps that helps foster the feeling.

I don't know if this will help you (we're all so different when it comes to how we handle emotions and responsibility) but when I feel resentment, I try to remember all the sacrifices he made for family, and for five children and through a 62-year marriage.

On the other hand, you do deserve a life of your own, we all do. If you can get away from time to time, it might make a big difference. I recently went on a short 2-day stay out of town (if I'm in town, I'm constantly checking into the situation), and it was vastly refreshing. You have to weigh the disruption to his life versus the benefit to yours, of course, but ultimately it's in your father's best interest if you are happier and healthier. It's no joke when they tell you that caregivers need to take care of themselves first.

Please keep us posted, know that you are not alone, and also that you are an awesome daughter who is not just Daddy's little girl, but Daddy's hero right now, even if he doesn't seem to appreciate it or acknowledge it.

He doesn't need a skilled nursing facility, but he would really benefit from assisted living if that's financially possible at all. He'd have the distraction of new relationships and things to do all day. You say he's "just unable to walk." That's huge! No wonder you're burnt out!

If you and/or he are too resistant to making a move to AL (please, at least go look at a few of them) or the $$$ just doesn't work (again, check into actual rates before you say it's impossible.) look for a senior day program for him.

I agree with others who've said that the reason he's so demanding of your time and attention is that his world has gotten much too small. That leaves him only to focus on his own immediate needs and desires. He needs to have something other than himself to occupy his thoughts.

Not to harp on it, but if you really want to become the daughter again (instead of feeling more like unpaid, unappreciated help), a move to AL can really help with that.

I just want to say, make sure you're really ready to make the switch to an adult family home or nursing home. I do not agree that you get better care outside the home. We moved my dad and he's been treated very shabbily at the nursing home. He's just been enrolled in an adult family home and we are already seeing warning signs If I could have had help from one family member and had Dad been able to sleep through the night, I would have kept him at home, hands down! My situation is, of course, vastly different from yours. I'm just saying, be sure youre out of viable options before you remove him from the home. The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the fence, it still hurts. ( this comment is in no way putting down the people who have chosen Skilled Nursing Facility or group homes for their loved ones, either )

I feel pretty close to the same..... :(

If affordable...in home help is much better than nursing homes. They are over worked, have too many patients, food is'nt what you pay for. Ive been using respite care for a break...this being the 4th time in 2 yrs and all of a sudden the price doubled. So home care...i can be not so much the "no girl" cuz he has to listen to someone else which works. Sorry about your dad...mine is being the same way. It happens. Lots of great advice here. Hope it helps you!!!!!

Assisted Living Communities are different from Skilled Nursing Facilities. In a SNF, you typically have very, very frail residents. In an AL, you have more engaged, lower need residents and, therefore, a much more lively living environment.

I find a lot of people on this site seem to lump the two together. Maybe it's a regional thing, but where I am (mid-Atlantic USA), they are quite different and, you should take a look at what's available in your community before judging whether home care is 'always' better.

As Jeanne mentioned, please make sure that you are using dad's resourses to pay for dad's care...not your own.

I am honestly overwhelmed by all the responses. Thank you all so much. I'm not sure If I can remember all the questions but, I'll answer what I remember.
Daddy is not a veteran, they denied him due to having "flat feet". Who knew? I used every dime for him in-home care, medicine and additional insurance. There's nothing left...actually, there's more outgoing than incoming and that's where we kick in. There's no additional funds for ANY extra care at all. Medicare doesn't pay for respite and my only brother is not local nor dependable. We do not have any family near us that can help. It's just me. I've taken him from an assisted living as he wasn't getting the care he needed. He nearly lost his foot due to a pressure ulcer and bone infection. He's very well taken care with me as he has 1 caregiver to himself...not 1:12. He has a foley and infection risk is insanely high. He nearly died when I agreed to put him in rehab after a hospital stay due to this. I worked in the SNF industry for 8 years, I know exactly what goes on there. They are NOT in it for the people. Those people have floating dollar signs above their head and that's it. Please don't get me wrong, there are some (very few) facilities that aren't like this but, good luck in finding one. I have an amazing caregiver and company that I can depend on take care of him while I'm at work, there just isn't any additional funds right now for us to put toward extra care for him for us to get out of town for a few days. We are trying our best to make this happen. Thanks for the comments and the prayers. I appreciate you all. God Bless

Helpmefindmeplz...I am sure that is not just a screen name but also you plea for help.
I have a few other suggestions for you that might help.
Are you a member of a church or other religious affiliation? Often there are groups that will offer to help. Maybe not hands on care but sitting with your Dad so you can get out. Running errands for you or bringing in a meal now and then.

Is your Dad eligible for Hospice? If so contact Hospice. As a matter of fact, contact Hospice and let them determine if he qualifies. No longer is a "6 month" life expectancy necessary. As long as there is a continued decline and treatment for terminal disease is discontinued he may qualify. Hospice has a CNA that will help you at least 1 or 2 days a week, a nurse will visit and there are volunteers that you can use to sit with your Dad while you go out. And Hospice does have respite if necessary. And many supplies are provided. It is worth a call just to get an idea what it is all about.
I love my Hospice team.

The Tennessee Respite Coalition provides resources that enable caregivers to reclaim a little piece of themselves
and restore balance to their lives and relationships.

Google these people - if they can't help, maybe they'll know someone who can?

You are in a tough situation, and I don't know how you can handle it. I wish you the best.

As a cranky person myself, I might have useful insight into how you could tweak your conversations with Dad to leave you both a little happier. This is NOT intended as any kind of criticism.

When he snaps at you or orders you around like a maid, stop for a second. Search back to the "little girl" days and pull out a memory of how very much a little girl loves her daddy. Then give him sympathy, with a bit of humor mixed in. "Oh Dad, I bet you wish you could get that drink for yourself, and didn't have to wait for me. Old age ain't for sissies, is it." Then give him a hug or a pat, and go get the drink with a lighter heart. I bet that will make him smile.

You still have an extremely heavy load, but 60 seconds of closeness can give you a tiny break.

Oh, I bet he's BORED! My husband is, and it makes him very cranky. Is there any activity he can get to? Does he have any friends nearby? Is there anyone to call on the phone or Skype with? Does your local Area Agency on Aging have a program with volunteers for companionship? Can he get wheeled out to the local donut shop to chat with the other geezers? The amount of social interaction possible is one of the plusses of living in a center.

If Dad's money is all gone, have you applied for Medicaid? You don't have to be poor for him to receive benefits.

God bless you!

I am and have been my husband's caregiver for over 2 and a half years now. He is in a Nursing Home following a two-week stay in ICU for his kidneys failing, and potassium levels at a dangerous level. He is confused and cannot walk without assistance. I want to bring him home again, but at the same time, I know what the care entails. I have no life of my own when he is here. I don't take care of my personal needs or health matters. I am debating whether or not to bring him home at all, or bring in Home Health care every day to help. It is an emotional decision I would not wish on anyone. At some point I have to think of y own state of mind and health, or we will both succumb to this disease. I will only care for him until I feel I can no longer do it, and before burnout takes me down. You should think about this as well. Hope I have helped you. Bonnie O.

I agree with Babalou about the use of resources. If you are having to kick in at all fof your dad's care, then it is time to setup an appointment with Medicaid to see what resources your father qualifies for. If his money isn't covering his care 100%, this is very important. He may qualify to have his daily aide paid for etc.. In the mean time, may I suggest that you AND your husband both take the same day off from work (perhaps a vacation day?), and spend some quiet time out together while dad is being cared for. Go out to breakfast, then perhaps take a blanket to a local park just to be together for awhile. A movie perhaps, if that interests the two of you. Enjoy your time together, catch your breath, and then you can go back to being caregivers. A couple's massage might be a nice treat to relax as well. :-)

This really resonated with me except my patient is my husband. He was so successful in life, and in addition, loved to cook and clean it up. Now, he does nothing for himself. Makes me feel like he's making demands on me. I'm resentful and angry. I'm jealous of our friends who can travel as we were going to do. And the worst, I feel angry at his "stupidity " because he always knew everything. I'm looking for a good support group so I can let go of anger, resentment, and bewilderment.

I share your pain. All the above great responses gave you the answers. It is hard and there is joy and pain, but it is life and it comes as a shock when we're hit with the reality of aging. After eight years of dealing with my dad, we still feel guilty and sad, but we also know it is very hard to do it all by yourself.

Couple of thoughts: Good suggestion to let your pastor know you are struggling because you may be surprised at how church members are willing to help if they know there is a need. Have you considered hiring a "baby sitter" for an evening out with your husband? Older folks love the energy of kids and sometimes a grandpa-kid relationship gives both a different perspective. If you have a senior center or daycare, that is a way to facilitate relationships for your father as well as giving you a block of time. My father is a pleasant person but his mobility issues restrict his world to TV and doctors appointments. I want him to have some fun and feel useful. I've had to drop some of my standards and things I enjoyed to cover his needs but I also ask him to help out with things like laundry folding, make the salad for dinner, etc.