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Assisted Living has asked her to move out. She was evaluated as being unsafe to cook. They removed her item for cooking. Recently an in-law brought her in a microwave. That was the last straw for the Assisted Living. They have bent over backwards to accommodate her. She refuses to eat the food they serve.
She thinks he will take care of everything. I want no part of this in-law. He has caused so much problem for our family. He is a in-law to by late sister. He knew she was not allowed to cook but defied the rules of the Assisted Living.
I live 1300 miles away and am her only living child. I just can't help anymore she is out of control and 96 years old. Should I ask for a mental evaluation? I don't know what to do.

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Perhaps you could restrict in-law's visits to the common areas of the facility and not in her room?
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geo123 Your words were so well put. It is very difficult to know what to do. But you have encouraged me and I am going to try to do whatever I can for her if she will let me. I have learned much through all of this. Sometimes for our own well being one has to detach and let someone else step in. I'll keep you posted about what happens. Thank you for your insight.
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I sympathize as, along with emjo, I have considered withdrawing my POA. Just yesterday, Mom asked if I could and suggested I do it because she felt so sorry for me and all I'm having to do for her. It's affecting my work, my health - everything. She and I now live in a horrible circle of guilt and unhappiness because of all the stuff going on that I have to handle for her. It's a horrible situation with a relative who's done nothing but create legal trouble for us. And, by the way, even if there's nothing in the law or situation to make the other person's actions and claims valid, if they're vindictive and want to cause trouble, it's still possible.

But, much as I've thought about it, I realize I'd feel terrible if I abandoned her. Sometimes, because of her memory loss and dementia, she doesn't go along with me and can be difficult. I remind myself that's what talking - not really her. But it's still hard to keep this in mind some days. So, just think about how you'll feel about it when she's gone. Every day, I tell myself that I can't go on with this, any longer. At the same time, I know I'll feel horrible in the future if I give up the POA. My hope for you is that, if you do take this step, that you can remind yourself that, while you had POA, that you did your best and be at peace with it. If not, you have my sympathies, for sure!

But, back to the subject: read the POA form. The one I have for Mom has some text about how Mom can revoke it, if she wants. I can't remember if there's verbiage that tells how I can get out of it. If it's not clear, you might want to get a lawyer because it's different in each state.
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@ GA Yes, 102 in May. The women in her family are very long lived. Most reached mid 90s for several generations, even her grandmother. She is very strong physically and I can claim no credit for her reaching that milestone. She always lived a healthy lifestyle - walked a lot , ate properly and has a great set of genes. How she has survived her BPD rages without having a stroke is beyond me.
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Emjo, your mother is over 100 years old? WOW! She must be one very strong woman, and kudos to you for all the help you've given her to help her reach that milestone!
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Very difficult situation. ((((((hugs))))) Last summer I was alerted while on holiday that mother, at 101 yrs old, had tried to fly across the country alone and without proper ID. I am a distant care giver too.

My first question as has been asked above, is "Is your mum competent?", as that determines if you can intervene or not. However, from my experience, being competent can be a matter of degree which complicates things.

I agree with talking to the social worker at the AL to look for solutions and if it is within your power having that relative banned from where ever your mother is.

As GA says - there may be some underlying medical/mental issues. Mother was assessed after her incident and in the past year she has declined. In the winter she was diagnosed with vascular dementia. What has helped has been the involvement of professionals. Your mum needs an thorough evaluation.

I had thoughts of withdrawing from POA, too, so I think I understand where you are coming from. At this point I am glad I did not. This grey area when they are declining, but still appear competent is a difficult one. My relationship with my mother has suffered too, but then she has a personality disorder, so it never was good. At present she wants no contact with family, so I deal with the social worker, medical people etc. who deal with her, and that is quite a relief.

Blessings to you. It is very difficult.
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Further thoughts...yes, ask for a mental evaluation as well as a review of her meds. I'm not one to recommend any additional meds, but perhaps something might help her deal with her anger and lack of cooperation. Is she by any change angry with you because she feels you should be caring for her? Did she go into AL willingly?

There may be some underlying medical issues that can be addressed.
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I share CountryMouse's concerns.

And who will handle issues for your mother if/when you resign? Does the POA provide for an alternate? Do you have any obligations under the terms of the document to provide a successor?

Perhaps the in-law can just be barred from visiting. Perhaps Meals on Wheels can deliver to your mother. Perhaps if she gets hungry enough she'll be more flexible and eat the AL meals.

I just feel for this poor woman, despite her lack of cooperation. It seems she's angry and lashing out, perhaps because of her situation.

I'm wondering if a conversation with the AL's social worker would help?
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Since I just learned of this yesterday I am reeling with many questions. Yes, of course I am concerned for her choice. What kind of person would bring a microwave into a facility who deemed it unsafe? The in-law knew this but did it anyway.
I did get my answer to the POA. It is an option. My mother also has very poor eyesight and hearing. That is one of the reasons that the evaluation showed it unsafe for her to cook not to mention the fire department was called to her apartment.
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1. Have you spoken to your mother? What does she think the plan is for when she's chucked out of the ALF?

2. Have you spoken to the in-law? Does he appreciate that he's been 'volunteered' to provide her care and accommodation?

3. Have you spoken to the ALF? Were they in all seriousness unable to explain effectively to the in-law why your mother could not safely keep his microwave in her apartment?

I'm having a slight difficulty understanding what you really want, here. Your post says you want to resign your POA. Fine, it's a simple thing to do. But you then lament the irresponsibility of the next person in line to look after your mother's interests, and go on to bewail the idea of her leaving a good place, a place of safety, for who knows what perils.

Either your mother is competent, in which case you cannot exercise your POA so you might as well resign it, in which case she can appoint somebody else and you can leave her to her own devices with a clear conscience; or she isn't, not really, in which case it is your duty, given that you accepted POA willingly, to step up now and sort out what is, in the end, a communications issue. With a little effort of negotiation and certain undertakings you might be able to reverse the ALF's decision. But don't wring your hands aimlessly - it does neither you nor your mother any good.
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Can you backtrack here and have in law barred from facility? Otherwise, it sounds like she needs to be in a skilled nursing facility
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My mother will be 97 in July. Can't believe this is happening to her. But she chose to be non-compliant. Didn't help to have an in-law interfere. She is in a very good place now who knows what will happen?
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Just pull a form from the internet, sign and date it, have it notarized and turn it into the assisted living facility. Give a copy to mom.
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Yes they gave her 30 days and asked if they could help her find a new place and she said no her in-law was going to take care of it. There is no Nursing Home attached. Said, "She didn't need their help." Problem is I just found out today I was on vacation in Alaska when all this happened and just got back. The Assisted Living knew I was gone but I did not receive the message until yesterday. The in-law is not a responsible person. How could he have put her in jeopardy by bringing in that microwave knowing it was forbidden? Thank you for your answer.
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Move her from assisted living to a nursing home.

Did the assisted living give her 30 days to move out? Does the assisted living have a nursing home attached?

This might take some doing and if you don't like the brother-in-law you may have to take some time off to see to this. But if the BIL is capable of handling this, let him.
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