How can I be more help to my sister who is the main caregiver to my mother?

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I think this is the correct place to put my question . I understand what you feel as main caregiver, I have a sister that is the main caregiver, and I told her that I recognize the work she does, and I help her as much as I can .... but I do not know what else to do... I do not see my self bathing my mother (I am the son) or helping her with toileting problems ... I did it with my father before he died and I never had a problem. well, may be I need to see a psychologist to over come that. I need your point of view .. how can I help better. I drive all weekends (sat n Sun) 35 miles (each way) to pick my mom .. and take care around ... lunch, dinner, around the city .. so she can be distracted. when my sister needs to go on vacations ... I stay with mom. .... when ever she asked me to be there I am .. my only request is to give me some head up time .. to make my plans (work or other ) ... well .. She says that she does not have to be calling me to request time, when she goes on vacation ... she never wants to tell me her return day, because .. "I do have to report to anyone" ... She live with my mom for 4 yrs and only the last 2 is when mom start to be a challenge... her argument: " I already paid my dues .." ( I kept my mouth closed) She complains about her free time ( take care of Mother Sat n Sun).. but I work 5 days and my only 2 free days I use them to help her with my mom, I have no issue. and Last ... last time we talked when I said what else can I do to help her, she almost have a heart attach : "YOU DO NOT HELP ME, it is your obligation " :( ... And ladies .. here is why I post here: ... I did ask straight her " why are you so mad at me " and for the first time and only time "she said... you dump all this to me" but when my dad died, she asked my mom to move with her ... and now that mom has became a challenge (less than 2 yrs) I am to blame. .. oh well... I love family I told my sister: lets convince MOM to go to a retirement home ... but she says: "it is not my problem you decide" ... I think is a share decision (and also MOM should have an opinion, if she can). I cannot have my mom with me, I do not have the space .. my wife's mom is already living with us and she is also very old ... and I do travel 30 % as part of my work ... Am I really such a bad brother? what else I can do so she does not feel that neglected. Just looking for an honest and external opinion.. Thanks !!!

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P.S. You are a good brother, a good son, just for coming on here, just for asking, just for stepping up!
There are so few like you.
Come back later, others can walk you through the process.
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I really Appreciate your comments ...

Thanks!!
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See that blue box on the right of your screen?
FIND CARE AND HOUSING
click on it.
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Once Mom is placed for a few weeks respite, hand your sister a few hundred to spend on a hotel or whatever for herself. She will return better able to see straight.

Take a week to find a "retirement home" by stopping by a few, bring home brochures. Go see a few, if you know Mom's budget. You may have to pay some yourself to contribute monthly. Show it to sis, done deal.

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I agree with Sendhelp - this seems to be getting to be more than the two of you are able to do. Your sister is burned out and you really don't have more time than you already do. Time for other living arrangements for your mom. You and your sister will still advocate for mom's care and visit her - but others who can go home to rest between shifts will have the heavy lifting.
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My opinion is that your sister is suffering from caregiver burnout. She won't hear your offers of help anymore, and may go ballistic on you for the wrong choice of words.

You see yourself as helping her, being generous with your time, and willing. She sees it as your obligation to help Mom, not her. Sounds a bit like splitting hairs, doesn't it?

Here is what to do first, right now. Call a social worker at your nearest Senior Center, get immediate respite for your caregiver sister by placing your Mom temporarily in a facility that meets her needs-it is called respite care.

Or, call a nursing home or assisted living yourself-take Mom there. Start with the temporary. Do it yourself.
Sister needs this. Do it now.
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