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First, I hope this finds all caregivers in good spirit today! Please excuse this writing if it seems scattered, I am writing it from my heart and it is racing right now from disbelief and "wits end" feeling.
My MIL is 75 y/o and was in ICU many weeks (Oct 13, 2012- December 18, 2012) for a near fatal C-diff infection, she then went to rehab centers and got kicked out of every one due to threats she made against employees and non-compliance (refusal to participate in her healing process) she has been in our home since January 30, 2013. In an effort to understand which diseases she had and how best to care for her in our home she got the best testing by the best specialists and we were floored to learn that all these "diseases" she has been using to justify her laziness for the last 20 years were lies. Other than the C-diff, she is in perfect health. Now that she is out she refuses to follow Dr. orders, refuses to do her Physical Therapy and calls people to say my husband and I are denying her food, refusing to heat the house and if she goes to a Dr. appointment that we said we will pack her stuff and rent her room out. We know it isn't true, but it still doesn't feel good.
Her behavior isn't due to physical and/or mental illness and we know that because she was like this before she got sick, what is angering her is until she came to live with us, people just sympathized, blindly believed her and my husband and I aren't like that. We don't allow that negativity and manipulation in our home, we expect honesty from anyone under our roof and we aren't afraid to ask her to "connect the dots" on these stories that make no sense at all. She says that she has never had anyone make her responsible for her words/actions.
We truly believe she should be an inpatient somewhere, in the one month she has been home her strength has declined to a very scary point because she refuses to follow home health instructions. When we remind her or offer to do exercises or walk with her, we get screamed at. She claims "bad knees" but we know that isn't the case. We hear her on the phone telling her friends she hopes to get sick enough to go back "on vacation" in the hospital.
She is not a "pouter" she is a screamer, blamer, manipulator and our home until now has been a happy peaceful loving place. The stress is going to kill my husband and I. I am 6 weeks away from ending a long chemo course that exhausts me and the other 2 adult children who live locally refuse.....flat out refuse to help out. I never realized how smart they are.

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How did she live on the $543/month before she came to live with you?
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I'm hoping the best for you; hope things work out to your advantage. Take care
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Thank you for your comment about "undiagnosed" mental issues. Yes, my husband and I assumed that because she had the best of the best and nothing was discovered while she was in the hospital that there is nothing to treat. I will make an appointment with her Dr tomorrow. LIGHT!! I SEE LIGHT, and if this doesn't work out I will be seeing her clothes into a suitcase.....
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My heart goes out to you - you cannot continue to live like this - I think you mentioned she has no mental problems, well.....maybe she has some that have gone undiagnosed all these years. This was one of the problems with my mother and my MIL. They will kill you with stress. From my experience, they require a proper diagnosis and require medication. My mother was much better after medication - she actually had a better quality of life as she was medicated to a point where she could actually act more normal. This behavior is not normal - either it is exacerbated by dementia; or simply undiagnosed mental illness which is very common.

You have enough to deal with with the chemo, etc. You need your rest. Hope you can find her a NH that will take her. They will not take people with unresolved mental issues. I'm an advocate of medication as I have seen how it can change lives - not medicate people into a stupor; this is not "One Flies Over the Coocoos Nest" we are talking about. This is sedatives, etc. prescribed to treat people who absolutely need it. They are better for it as well.

Hugs to you across the miles - hope you can find a situation for her - don't let her abuse your kindness anymore. Something has to give and it cannot be you.

Blessings and take care.
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My husband is "done" (his word, not mine) with this, he can't stand the way she treats me. We are fervently looking for a rehab facility that will take her as she was "booted" from a couple for non-compliance. She gets $543/month SS, only has Medicare, and the other 2 children laugh at us when we ask if her living with them is an option, there is no way she can get her own place. I foolishly believed that because the Lord spared her life she would energetically do everything required by medical professionals to get herself on her feet. She has no home of her own, lost her license due to slow reflex response time and won't even follow the diet the Dr requires. If we cannot find inpatient rehab place, we are going to require she pay an unrelated professional to come in and tend to her needs. Thank you so much for your answer, it helped. The irony is your mention of tough love, according to my MIL I am the toughest person she has ever dealt with, and that's only because we expect her to bathe. Funny, huh?!
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You knew she was like this. She controls with meanness. You don't need it, especially as you recover-- it will slow down or prevent your recovery. Are you willing to slowly die for this woman? What is your husband's position in caring for her?
The best thing for you is get her into her own place and let her pay an unrelated caregiver. Don't procrastinate with your emotions. If she stays, it will absolutely RUIN your life. Practice Tough love.
Blessings to You and Healing prayers. xo
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