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I have been taking care of my mother with ongoing health issues for about three years. Prior to that, she had no serious need for special care. She began with health issues in 2013 with having a pulmonary embolism. Then she had several episodes of delirium caused by UTIs. She had been in nursing homes three times and is now at home getting care by me and CNAs that come to the house five days a week. She recently was told by a doctor that she had several mini strokes two years ago and also has Parkinson's. She needs help with mobility limitations which I and my brother help her with. She is often depressed and frightened. She is so frightened she wants me to be there with her 100% (not kidding) of the time when I am not at work or running errands. As soon as I come in the house, she is calling me into her room. I know this sounds selfish but I feel like I have no life and no freedom any more. I only see my boyfriend who lives about 15 miles from me for maybe 2-3 hours a week. I live with my mother and my brother. I want to be able to care for my mother but she wants me there all of the time. She also calls me a lot every day while I am at work. I try to be helpful and supportive most of the time but sometimes I just don't answer the phone and she can call repeatedly. She has severe vertigo and has developed a fear of death and obsesses about it. She used to say to trust God and give your troubles to God and now is afraid that when you die, there is nothing. She has been a hardworking and supportive loving parent. It's not like she was an abusive person in her youth and I want to take care of her but there is never any break. Sometimes I lose it and yell like I did today. I just wanted to go to my own space and be left alone. Even if I can go to my own space she starts calling me on the phone over and over so I don't feel like I got to be alone. I feel guilty yelling at an elderly scared person. Much of the time I am supportive and caring but I think I am hitting burn out or don't know how to balance my needs with hers. I do not want to put her into a nursing home. She is getting care at home through a PA waiver program plus nurses, PTs, OTs come to the house. When she is in a nursing home, she gets worse. I figure a nursing home is for when the person is very very ill.

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Bottom line is you don't. You will be stretched at both ends and you will experience caregiving burnout!
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Astrid and everyone how are you doing with the "balancing act?" I am glad to see my counselor today!
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After my mom went to alz/dem facility I moved my dad into a retirement community that has an assisted living place on the other side. But my sister and I did the same thing at first. Since my dad's world had been turned upside down with mom and us selling the house, etc., we didn't want him to think we were dumping him and leaving. We (my sister had a full time job and it was mostly me since I didn't) were with him almost everyday. I was taking him to drs. appts. , grocery store, walmart, etc. even though he drove (he couldn't due to his heart attack yet). Anyway, I finally had to back off. I realized he was going to be just fine (he had a made a couple of friends) and was adjusting to his new life without mom. My sister has passed and I'm still with him a lot due to drs. appts. but Jessiebelle is so right......she might be sick of company and want just a little quite. She can't get acclimated if she has crutches and people always pulling her one way or the other. Let her do what she wants to do (sit in her recliner). Go visit when you can and let your sisters do what they want to do. You can't change them but you can change your routine (which you will do when you move). It sounds like you are the one that is doing the right thing and has the right idea with your mom. Good luck and God Bless
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hi deanna16....you just have to set your boundaries and let you sister do what she wants. guilt will go away. everything is just a new adjustment...not easy...but we must move on! take care of yourself first...mom's fine!
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Deanna, what is the problem, though?

You're going to be moving further away from your mother's home. You have made it clear in advance that when that happens you will not be taking part in the mother-visiting rota that the youngest sister seems to have devised for her own reasons. Your mother will be fine. Your sister doesn't have a say. So, repeat, what's the problem that you need to discuss with the facility?

But what do you think are your sister's reasons? Guilt? Fear that mother might feel abandoned if one of you isn't there? If you know why she's overcompensating to this extent, perhaps you can help her adjust to your mother's being in residential care and develop a more proportionate approach to caring for her.
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Deanna, something I was wondering is if your mother might wish the kids wouldn't visit so much. If she is like most of it, she doesn't want to be with people all the time. Maybe she is even wishing that the kids wouldn't always be there. I know I would be wishing that.
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I am having a problem with my baby sister that still thinks we should visit my mom just about around the clock in the nursing home. I am so exhausted & have no energy. There are three of us girls that do this. So this weekend one was out of town & my other sister did the morning shift & did the afternoon (3 hrs each). Well my sister thinks she needs to go back toward evening so she won't be alone. I said to her how do we expect mom to adjust to assistant living (leaving shortly to that facility) when we won't let her. No response. I did tell when she move to that it will be a 30 mile drive (round) that I will not be going on a constant basis. She never said anything. I am planning on talking to the director,nurses at this facility that we have a problem with this. I did go to the nursing home yesterday & had mom sit and listen to a 1 man band who played polkas, waltzes etc. her kind of music. Well she said how long does this last? I said 1 hr. She made a face. Then about 1/2 hr later she said my butt is getting sore I need to leave, so we left for her to go sit in her recliner in her room. I just don't think my mom understands our needs as far as the toll it is taking on us. She is very sharp minded. I know I will stick to my guns when she does move to assistant living. The other problem is my sister complains about being there but yet keeps going when I know she will be fine by herself. This is why we are paying an extreme amount for her care.
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ninny1952...omg these posts bother me the most!! don't let your mom abuse you...just get away from her if she won't change! remember, people only abuse you if you let them. lots of love ... take care!!
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I retired a year ago, in large part due to my mother. I would often have to leave work to check on a concern or need she had that I felt obliged to take care of immediately. She, like Astrid's mother, would call many times during the work day. As a principal, I felt like I could not manage both jobs--a school filled with wonderful children and adults (and stress day in and day out!)-- and my mother. On occasion she has physical needs, but largely she has emotional needs. I have been seeing a counselor, and she is helping me to separate the two. It is my responsibility to work to ensure her physical well being and safety and to be caring and compassionate. I accept these responsibilities easily and willingly. However, her emotional needs, tied to her narcissistic personality, have been far more difficult. She can be very ornery, mean, nasty, or she can be delightful. For example, on the bright side, she often cooks for me, worrying I don't eat right. I never know what is coming, but I am learning that if she is safe and physically okay, I can work to cheer her up to a limit, and then I must take care of myself. I cannot fix her emotionally--she has too much baggage and I cannot reach inside of her and repair damage that was done before I was born. So, the balancing act continues, but I am getting so much better at not letting her emotional, non-emergency needs, take away my life and personal freedom. I do not deserve to be treated like a doormat. I hope this makes sense. I love my mother but I have had to set my own boundaries for her and stick to them--hard work but worth it. Still in progress! Good luck to us all!
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Read one of the best things on Facebook today. It is so true -- You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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And also to Rico's comments...I often feel as if I have no life and I can deal with that because I do know this too will pass. However, my children and husband also have had to deal with me being not around, stressed out, wanting to be alone, leaving my kids alone all day because I have to deal with something going on with my mom, etc, etc. My family deserves to also have a life. And it is a really tough balancing act being pulled in two different directions.
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I don't have tons of experience with this but as long as you are making decisions for your mom in her best interests, you are doing the right thing. It sounds like having your mom live with you is not working for both of you. It is ok to find a place for her to live that can offer her a safe environment with the care she needs. Maybe she doesn't need skilled nursing. Maybe it is assisted living or memory care. Go check some places out. You are not giving up on your mom if the best place for her ends up being a nursing home. You deserve to have a life too.
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Veryconcerned.....I think I forgot to post the link for Texas. Just in case I did here it is again:

http://www.hhs.state.tx.us/

Good Luck and God Bless
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Rico2015, I hear what you're saying and it so true but a lot of us are running our bodies down as fast as our loved ones that we are taking care of. Sometimes we work so hard at taking care of them trying to give them a decent and dignified life while they are still here that we forget about our own health. Stats show that it's terribly hard on caregivers health and they go downhill sometimes faster than their loved ones. So again, I really do understand how you feel and totally get what you are saying. But sometimes those of us that are on call 24-7 get worn down and don't feel like having a social life, just need some peace and quiet. Some of our loved ones don't want to be burdens. I know I don't want my son to give up his life to take care of me 24/7. I pray (I know) he will do the best he can with what he and I have both have. Good luck and God Bless
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AstridK: I hear you! I really do. In my case, I had to leave my Maryland home and family (and yes, I had a life) and move to Massachusetts, where my late Mother demanded that she live alone! She was none too happy when I moved in either. I said "you've lost your choice to decide where or who will live with you." My point is that should our parents live that long we will all be in the situation that you're in currently. You WILL need some form of a break from caregiving, else you will experience caregiving burnout. Look into respite care so that you can get a temporary break. And remember...this WILL pass...sadly, when your mom deceases.
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And in Texas who do you suggest that i go to pargirl..or anyone?
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rico2015....he has a point! my mother is in stage 7 dementia...she can do nothing now. i have to sacrifice to care for her...i get little in return right now, but she gave me everything a daughter needed all my life... i love my mother...its okay with me that it's my time to sacrifice for her!
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Thank you, Jinx. Well said. Rico's statement bothered me, too.
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VERYCONCERNED...DON'T PAY!!!
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Rico - you are probably also tired of mothers complaining. Being expected to be on call 24/7 to care for someone who can never be made happy can be such a total drain. One has responsibility for a job that offers no chance of success. One's private moments - eating, sleeping, using the bathroom - are subject to interruption. One receives constant complaints and sometimes very well-aimed personal attacks. In many cases, the LO has a history of providing little or no love to create a reserve of good will to "earn" the right to receive care. Often there is little or no money available to provide any respite.

You have every right to get tired of the "no life" complaint. The caregiver is personally responsible to construct some meaning and satisfaction from their life, because no one else can do it. But.

The primary purpose of this website is to allow caregivers to whine, whinge, complain, and bellyache about how their lives suck without being guilted. So everybody but Rico should continue to let it all hang out, because our lives suck too, and we understand.
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So tired of hearing people saying they have "no life". Whatever life you have .....is probably 100 times more than the unfortunate indivudual with dementia or other issues. Sometimes we have to just give a little more than we receive!
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Veryconcerned.....I'm in Texas. They will guide you through the process. A social worker at a hospital or assisted living facility can help you also. Good luck and God Bless
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For a year Ive been trying to help my 80 year old mom with there things...I live far away from her.She was scammed out of all her finances,so im there to give whatever i can to help her.she wants me to pay for a room she rents in a salon...but only has 2 customers a week(the rent is high),lives alone in a 2 story condo and i help pay for that.Im like in a bind with all this doing for her.I have no life here where I work.I don't know how to pay or where to go for me to put her in a place to live.Ide like to try to sell that huge condo she lives in,way too much space for an elderly person.Where or who do I turn to in the state of Texas to help me pay for her to be in a place???I have no life because of this.
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Thanks to those who shared some specifics re medications that helped your parents.

And thanks to all for sharing your thoughts and experiences
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Thank you cubpiper.
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jetcitygirl....it's hard enough to care for a mother you adore...but i can't imagine taking care of one that i did NOT like...mother or not! i'm not even sure i would. hang in there and so sorry for you!! keep posting...maybe someone will offer some advice that will help you!!!
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It's impossible to balance. I'm an only child caring for an 81 yr old mom and I work full time. I have no family and have lost my friends. The life and energy is just being sucked out of me. I so miss my life. No everything is for my narcissistic mother. I hope my oxygen mask will sustain me until she dies.
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Cubpiper...funny you wrote what you did. i too resented caring for my mother at times...but the sicker she got the more i knew that i would never let her out of my site. my mother is bedridden now...and i do everything for her...and yes, i got use to taking care of her too...and now while she is dying in bed...i cherish every moment i spend with her and so glad she will die at home with me and knowing i gave her excellent care and she will die as comfortable as possible!!
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I also took care of my Mom for five years. At first I felt "trapped". It took about a year for that to finally go away. I ended up quitting my job and taking her full time in an in home setting. My siblings continued to have their lives and I would often hear myself say exactly that. In hindsight I wish I would have balanced taking care of myself a bit more, and I wish I would have continued doing some of the things that I used to love. Unfortunately I didn't. I spent every moment of everyday with Mom. It wasn't until she passed away that I realized somewhere in all those years of caregiving that I fell in love with my Mother. My siblings had their lives, but I had a life, and friendship with her that I would have never known had I made another choice. It was hard at times, frustrating, and many times I wish I could have done better. I learned so much from her about the grace that it requires to get old. She didn't know how to do it any better than I knew how to care for her, and yet in all our ineptness, we managed just fine. Not everyday was 100 percent, but most were pretty close. I'm glad that I hung on and rather than beat myself up I chose to began anew with her every morning. Now that it is over I think I am the lucky one. There was nothing left unsaid between us, and I enjoyed all those years. There was a lot of sacrifice, some frustration, but together we forged our way. Wouldn't trade that time, now that it is done, for any other experience in the world.
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Oy what a position to be in. We put an addition onto our house for my Mom. I thought if she went into an assisted living facility I would be running back & forth daily if not more often, so I really did this for myself. Thankfully, for the most part she is self sufficient but I need to take her to all her Dr appointments and my oh my there seem to be a zillion. She can do local things alone - for now, I know that will change. My spouse does all the cooking and Mom is not always very appreciative (which pisses me off). I MEDICATE MYSELF! Please let me know what you decide to do. We all need to figure out our options.
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