How do I balance my mother's needs and my own?

Please try to see your mom's agitation, fright and neediness as symptoms of depression and anxiety. These are very common in folks with cognitive decline; they realize that something is amiss and they can no longer make good decisions.

I would recommend having your mother seen by a geriatric psychiatrist; meds for depression and anxiety can make a huge difference.

I don't blame you for feeling smothered but Babalou's right in suggesting that medication may help your mom's agitation and neediness. They're symptoms of anxiety and with the right combination of medications prescribed by your mom's Dr. she may feel much better.

Continue trying to balance your needs with your mom's. Your needs have to come first (within reason) or you won't be able to care for your mom.

You sound like a very caring daughter thrust into a very demanding situation and now you are experiencing what is called "compassion fatigue". It is not selfish to want to have time of your own...nowhere is it written that you must be a martyr. There is no place for guilt. You snapped because you were unable to cope with her incessant and constant demands. Anyone would. I agree with the others about meds for anxiety. It made a world of difference for. my dad. Just know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Once she is assessed and the anxiety is handled then you can determine if she is a candidate for skilled nursing or not.

Besides the excellent suggestion to have your mom evaluated for possibly medication to alleviate some of her anxiety, is there a way to swing additional respite for you. Space and time just for you. Space and time for you and your boyfriend. Some of the agencies are very reasonable in price and have staff experienced in just what your mom is experiencing, where they can be a companion, for three hours or five hours or even 24 hours so you can get away and breathe and become yourself again. Your health is the most important since you are the caregiver. Your mom will surely decline in a nursing facility, so even if it costs something it is worth it to take some time for you. Also, have you considered talking with a counselor about your feelings? Talking through some of your feelings can be helpful in sorting out a clear next step, since right now it might just feel like a ball of frustration, but once you begin unwinding some of the threads it becomes more clear what a good next step might be for you. You sound like a lovely caregiver, aside from the frustration with behaviors your mom cannot help at her capacity right now. Take care of yourself first always, otherwise you will burn yourself out.

AstridK, I know exactly how you feel. I took care of my mother for 10 years before I finally realized I had to make a change and place her in a personal care home.

I had sacrificed relationships, dedicated half my house to her, ran around like a mad woman getting her everything she wanted and needed and tried to no avail to get her to change some of her bad habits to increase her quality of life and wellness. I tried to be a companion to her, as well. This was the most difficult part for me. She was a good mother to me growing up and I wanted to do right by her.

Finally, for medical reasons, she couldn't be left alone anymore. So, it was either put her somewhere or quit my job. So, I placed her is a personal care home (a.k.a assisted living - memory care facility) where she has actually been much better off in many ways.

She's made friends, her meals are more balanced, her medicine is on a better schedule and she is able to get a bath more often. A nurse is there, if needed. The doctor comes around there, so I only have to take her to the pain clinic.

Let me tell you, it's been a blessing in so many ways. I GOT MY LIFE BACK! I didn't even realize how much of my time, energy, spirit, resources and focus was being spend on her. Now I have more time for me, my husband and most of all my kids. I go see mom 2 or 3 times a week and she is fine.

Yes, she would like to come home, but she's there and that's it. She adjust a little more as each day goes by and she seems to like it there just fine.

AstridK, do what you can for your mom, but don't let your life slip by in the process. I'm 47 years old and I realize now, I should have made better arrangements for her at least 5 years ago.

Don't be afraid to do what you have to do. You will be amazed at the relief you feel vs the guilt and grief you feel now.

Been there for most of the last ten years. At some point (don't remember exactly when) my mother's MD prescribed anti-anxiety drugs. That helped tremendously.

Sending hugs to you. I worry too about my Dad being depressed. His insurance case manager mentioned a local program of volunteers who spend time as companions. Which sounds perfect for both him and I where he will have a chance to be with someone else who he can talk to without it being a medical thing. Socialize! There may be something similar in your area. Fingers crossed for all of us.

You want your life back. So does your mother, but sounds like she knows she will never again be the woman and mother who raised you. Her faith has been shakened. Medications might help. Have you tried music such as hymns. Read the Bible with her? I know as many caregivers do that we do want our lives back. More than anything we would like our loved ones restored to health, both physically, mentally and emotionally. Our lived ones were our support, our rocks and now it is like they are a heavy burden dragging us down as we desperately try to keep them safe and care for them. You are in a way already grieving for your loss of that strong loving mother. There are no easy answers, but you have had eight strangers respond to your plea for a solution. I also lost it and did more than yell. I actually pounded my head against the wall one day. Now I have my life back. He is gone. Next time you are feeling desperate take her in your arms and sing to her like a frightened child. The day will come when you will find comfort in this memory. This too shall pass.

I applaud your efforts to balance your your life. I'm impressed with Ambriel's story and I agree with her. My cousin's health did improve in some ways when she went into Memory Care Assisted Living. Her medications are now managed and her anxiety is under control. Now, her blood pressure is great. Her blood sugar levels are wonderful. She's getting healthy meals everyday. Her dental care is now caught up as well as seeing a podiatrist on a regular basis. She get regular baths and daily clean clothes now. And if she needs medical care, she get is immediately. Once others were taking care of her, I discovered that I look forward to visiting her. I have more in my tank to give to her when I go visit and call and I'm not overly stressed and anxious myself.

If you are not sure what type of facility your mom would be best suited, I would have her assessed to see what would be the best fit. If she needs daily skilled nursing, probably a nursing home, but if not, then I would explore Assisted Living. Either dementia or age related decline can cause some of the symptoms you are describing. I would discuss that with her doctor to gauge how she might be progressing.

I wish I could take credit for this but it was said by someone else here on this forum. I wish I could remember who, to give them credit - it is the most brilliant analogy I've ever heard in regards to being a caregiver:: Ever notice how on an airplane they say put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help those around you? Girl - put on your oxygen mask!

The way i see it....First - Never ever yell at your Mom.
Believe me i have felt like it, as my Mom has Alz/dementia.
When i get frustrated i just think back when i was younger and probably drove my Mom crazy at times.
In my case, my Mom at times does not even know who she is or why she feels the way she does. Always try and reverse it and put yourself in her shoes.
My Mom is 97 and i feel very fortunate to still have her. Patience is key! And as far as all the meds you can give her...not the best way to go. Get advice from at least 2 Dr's. It is very easy to fill your Mom up with drugs....but what a horrible way to have her live her life out.
Have someone sit with your Mom for a few hours....take a break. Too often i hear "well lets put her in a home". Thats horrible! This person is your Mother. If it is comfortable for awhile....then so be it. It probably wasn't a party when raising you at times...right?
When i look at my Mom at times when she is having a bad day, i think how she must feel - Not having control of her own thoughts or even what day it is.
After all ...when all is said and done...the day this person is gone... you just may regret what you have
"Not" done for her.
Please be Patient with your Mom.

I understand you. Her fear is legitimate. The reality of death is overwhelming even to someone who's hope is in God. Fear is fear and is tormenting to people. The Dr put my mom on the lowest dose of anxiety medicine and it's done wonders. Her hope is always in God, but her body was not handling the stress at her age. She has calmed down where she doesn't panic anymore. The ability to handle things gets hard for some of the elderly. My mother was never one to take pills, but this little dose of medicine has helped us both TREMENDOUSLY. She was asking me to check on her during the night because she was so afraid. I was setting my alarm clock on my phone for every 2 to 3 hours to get up and check on her and it was just wearing me out. Now she has calmed down and seems back to herself. You can't even tell that she's on anything, it just calmed her down a little bit. This is something you might ask the Dr. about because if your Mom is calm she should be able to handle the things that are happening to her. If she is one that has had her hope in God you might consider getting her Bible on tape or reading the Psalms to her. Listening to the Bible read is always calming to someone who is fearful as well as music. I hope I helped. I am where you are. I miss my husband and he's right here. He's here, but we never get to be alone. When we are, I worry about mom. The advice you received above about how soon your mom's will need to be somewhere to have more care and you won't have her there is probably true. Spend some time thinking out how you can make things easier for you both....so you can both be taken care of while she's in her home. It helps to try your best to relate to how she feels. Fear is awful. Reassure her. But talk to the Dr about some anxiety medicine for her, and talk to God. (Hugs)

There are some excellent recommendations here. I really sympathize with you. My parent lives in my home because he was hostile in nursing care, which he went to straight out of the hospital because he still required more extensive medical care. Even the staff in the nursing facility came to me and said he was really difficult and complained about him. Once Medicare ran out, he came to my home, been here three years. I definitely agree anti anxiety meds for your mom, it'll give her some peace. My dad is on them, it would be far worse if he wasn't.

As a caregiver, you have to have time for yourself, it's a must, and the other members who said you can't take care of someone until you take care of yourself, this is very true. I also have my parent on a caregiving schedule for meds, meals, baths, etc... this helps a lot. You can fit in time for yourself between their schedule.

I take care of both my parents and my father-in-law. All have different issues, but my FIL has parkinson's, congestive heart failure etc...so, there is no way to properly take care of anyone that has so much wrong with them, work, take care of your own family etc...so, my family are in assisted living. This is really the best. Assisted living provides that 24 hour a day care they need, gives us both space, and allows me to take care of my family and me! You get to do what you need to since there are caregivers there at assisted living to help your loved ones. For sanity reasons I highly recommend it! You really should have your mom evaluated by a geriatric psychologist for her mental state and get her treated. That will help as well. Trust me, it might be hard to move her into assisted living at first, but when you get that first chance to breath and have a life....you will not regret it!!!

You are lucky, you have a brother to help and have nurses etc. visiting. I have been taking care of Mom ever since Dad died in 2007! Around here, there is nobody to help. I know it's hard, but I guess we just have to hang in there. I am in my late sixties now, and my friends all left me. I rarely get out of the house anymore. I keep telling myself, one of these days things will be all better!

Listen to all those who recommend placing your mother in a nursing home. I'm grateful to the social worker who practically forced me to place my husband in a nursing home.

No, you are wrong about a nursing home. It is for people such as your mother with multiple, complex health issues that you are not prepared to handle. Put her back in and give it some time and she will adapt. You must take care of yourself first before letting her problems make you ill. How is this helping your personal relationship with your partner? Give her to professionals in a setting, and for God's sake either get another phone number or just don't answer her. Phones calls at work from family members is usually disallowed and you are cheating your employer out of working time by taking her calls. Stop it! See how much better you feel at work and with your partner. Time to let go...

I get a little frustrated when I read posts that use the reasoning that since our parents took care of us as children we must return the favor. Overall, I agree with that and I looked after my dad and I continue to look after my mother. But I think it is an apples and oranges comparison. When we were children living at home we had yet to experience the taste of freedom our parents have as adults. We didn't have our own money to spend, never lived on our own, had to ask permission to go out. Chances are most of the caregivers here are of the era when they still kept score at little league games. We ate what was served or went to bed hungry and if we were rude, mean or acted up - we were punished, grounded at a minimum. In short, we did what we were told. So the challenges that come with taking care of an aged loved one verses taking care of a child can be very different and considerably more difficult. One thing that should be in common however - that even if one is a product of a rocky childhood- chances are our parents did the best they could - even the tragically ill equipped. All we can do is the best we can - even the tragically ill equipped. Having a parent with dementia didn't come with an instruction book - at least I didn't get my copy. So, forgive your mistakes, work to be compassionate, learn as much as you can about the disease. Just aim to do the best you can - for yourself and for your aged loved one.

Don't make the mistake andet her take up all ur personal space I learned the hard way if u give them an inch they WILL take a mile the thing is we let them don't let guilt creep in it them out u on s guilt trip stand ur ground or u will drive urself crazy and so will they

Please know that you are not alone as suggested by all these great posts and suggestions. My mom is in end stage dementia and my dad lives independently in a community but gets his meals etc. The other side of his facility is assisted living which will be very handy for him. He will be 94 in Aug but does a great job taking care of himself. I go to all drs. appts with him since he's VERY hard of hearing and get lots of phone calls when he is concerned about money (which is every day). Both were wonderful, caring parents growing up and it has been my honor to take care of them however demanding it has been. You said your mom has severe vertigo. My dad, my husband and myself have had it along with a couple of my friends. It is NO fun! I was just wondering if your mom has had the Eply procedure done or takes anything for it. After my head injury I was referred to an ear nose and throat dr. that specialized in this procedure that puts the crystals in your ear canal back in place. I know, it sounds crazy but everyone has these little crystals and they can be knocked loose (as in my case). It has all but cured mine. My husband and father take a medication called mecclazine and is over the counter (you have to ask for it in pharmacy). That really seems to help my husband. I don't know if your mom's OT, PT know anything about vertigo but her dr would. I also agree with the other posters.....NOT a nursing home but assisted living sounds like the best place for her. Where she could get meals, medications and socialization. Heck, when I don't feel good I don't want to do anything or go anywhere either (my husband would even say I whine a bit also but I don't think I do :) my point being, if she doesn't feel good (vertigo, depression, etc) that might be why she is clingy and needy. I would find her a really good gerontologist who understands elderly needs and health issues. As far as her faith being shaken, again, that could be because she doesn't feel good or possibly mental issues. Remind her that God didn't promise us that we wouldn't have problems but that he is with us no matter what and he has her by the right hand ALWAYS. Good Luck and may God Bless you and Keep you strong. Remember one more thing.....we can only do what we can do. My grandmother was in a beautiful facility and it was HER fighting my mom and saying it was awful because she didn't think she needed to be there which she did. Mom just had to put up with it and get her purse and leave nicely when she started in.

And Rainmom.....I love that about the oxygen mask. Thanks for re-posting. I usually said Put Your Big Girl Panties On but I like this even better. :)

pargirl- I know, it's great isn't it? I wish I could remember who said it to give them proper credit for such sharp thinking!

First of all, caregivers are amazing. Each of us has similar stories and needs but we will have to design our own boundary. After incidents that affect my husband getting his rest- and noting my Mother is doing what and when she wants without regard to her loved one's life- and that's not my Mom and at 59 I have limited my own life, isolated from work and friends- again not something my Mom would want if she were not so paranoid to retain her independence at 96. Like everyone has said you have to decide when you've had enough or before. I can't ruin my life to save hers. BTW am looking at facilities and the tears of guilt are just beginning while remembering the journey is for them to have quality of life. Keeping all of you in prayers.

A lot of us here on this sight have experienced much the same issues you are going through. I am sure, like me, they have even made themselves very ill trying to be there 24/7/365. What I learned from my journey is that you absolutely have to care for yourself as well. That my include learning to take time for yoga, meditation, a walk in the park, a wonderful massage (all with your phone turned off). It sounds like Mom has plenty of care with CNA's also visiting regularly. You need to unplug, turn your phone off. Mom really is ok. And like others have mentioned - having Mom evaluated for some anxiety meds is an excellent idea. My Mother was doing much the same things you have described. When we got her anxiety meds adjusted (took a few weeks to get them just right) the phone calls stopped and the constant "neediness" also abated. Your responsibility to Mom is to make sure she has adequate care, a roof over her head and meals. If this means putting her into Assisted Living, Nursing Home or whatever you choose - do it. It is in the best interest of both of you! Besides - moving her into one of the above she will have daily activities to keep her distracted from her "worries" and subsequent anxiety. Best wishes and Peace for you and your Mom.

Many good suggestions here.

To those who found anxiety meds very helpful in this situation, I would love to know what medications helped your parents. thanks.

Ativan for my Mom's anti anxiety meds. She is also on anti depressents - seroquel is one of them.

this all sounds sooooo familiar for MOST caretakers!! you're not selfish but maybe you should be a little more selfish when she calls you. don't respond. but...i think meds might help her at this point because it would drive most crazy if someone constantly wanted you to sit there! sounds like she has much more company than MOST! have you checked with her doctor about that?? maybe antidepressants...the right one will let the sun shine in again!! she does have to go thru all those terrrible feelings and thoughts ... its normal!!! we would get nuts at the ending part of our life too...must be very scary!! ive been praying to be able to die with some dignity...and not bring others down with me!!! good luck...take care of yourself first!!!

Ativan for my mom as well. If you're loved one is a fall risk you need to be careful with Ativan, however.

Our family is going thru the same situation . My mom is in a nursing home for now & then on to assistant living. It takes a big toll on the mind and body when you try to be there most of the time. We takes shifts so she has someone there 95% of the time. I decided to make a monthly calendar with the hrs that everyone has to do. We went from 5-6 hr shifts to 3. Just slowly weening her. She doesn't like it. She is very sharp minded. Today she told me she needs some there constantly cuz of the things not going right at the home (her c pap). I said mom it can't be that way. We have to take care of ourselves to take care of them.

For one thing, pay for an extra hour of care so you can be by yourself for a while before going home! We all would like to have time alone in the house, but that won't happen unless you can sneak in without her knowing you're home yet!

My husband isn't on medication, but he does calm down a lot when I put music on. The cable here has music channels, and he loves what used to be his father's music - Singers and Swing. You can also get Pandora on your computer, or youtube. Pandora is free, but has ads. I think "pay pandora" isn't that expensive, and you can create your own "stations" with no ads.

Also, ask around to find out what NH or AL have good reputations. You were burned before, but there may be a really good place that you don't know about. If you can find one, maybe you'll be able to stand the idea of placing her there. Maybe she will love it and be less lonely. God bless you

I think Ferris hit the nail on the head. Nursing homes are intended to take in people who we cannot care for anymore. They have nurses around the clock, doctors to come in to make medication adjustments, etc. etc. If your mother is depressed and anxious/fearful, there are medications to help. I remember when I was suffering from PTSD back in 2000 and constantly dwelling on death and feeling frightened out of my mind. My doctor prescribed Paxil and it was like someone flipped a switch..........the death thoughts disappeared along with the crushing fear and anxiety, and I began to function again, thankfully. Your mom IS very ill, my friend, no matter what your definition of ill may be. You are not really in a position to properly care for her anymore, it sounds like, and you're feeling guilt and anger/resentment as a result. You do NOT sound 'selfish' in the least; you sound exhausted and in desperate need of a break. I'm so sorry for your pain. I had to place both of my folks in an ALF after my dad broke his hip. He passed away one year ago today, and my 89 year old is still there. Yes, I still have LOTS of her issues to deal with, but at least I'm not having to care for her 24/7. I can come home to my house & escape, and spend quality time with my husband which recharges my batteries.

My son who's 31 moved his father into his house for the next year while he undergoes chemotherapy, surgery, then another round of chemo. My son is SO stressed out that he's building a tiny house in his backyard. He's not putting his father in it, either........it's for he and his wife to escape to when things get really bad!

It's no joke to care for sick/elderly loved ones, no matter what. I wish you all the best, and hope you are able to carve out some escape time for yourself. Otherwise, YOU may wind up in the hospital and then what? Take good care, ok?