Am I a bad person because I don't care anymore?

Follow
Share

Am I a horrible daughter because I don't care anymore what happens to my mother, who had mental issues and was so abusive and controlling that both my sister and I are still over 50 years later so broken and barely emotionally functional? She had what seems to be rapid onset dimentia over the last two months and all of us have dropped everything in our lives to care for her...taking shifts staying at her house. All three of our parents have dimentia. My stepdad was diagnosed over a year ago and is currently in a care facility receiving rehab for a brain bleed. My mom was having issues with memory a few weeks before my dad went to the hospital and then it seemed like a rapid decline happened. She immediately began getting manic, aggressive and verbally abusive. I was a caregiver at the facility where our Dad lives for three years. I never experienced anyone with dimentia as agressive as my mom. All of us have done everything in ourpower to support her and make her feel safe and cared for but the last several weeks have been unbearable and all of us decided today that we are done. She is violent, agressive and so verbally abusive that it is damaging all of us so much that we are shutting down physically, emotionally and mentally. She repeatedly tries to pick fights and if you dont engage, or walk away when nothing defuses her, she will follow you, screaming and cursing. If you ignore her she will fly at you and get within an inch of your face and start swinging her arms around like shes gonna smack you across the face. It's terrifying. She looks insane. She came after my brother the other day during one of those episodes and he finally had to pick her up, set her outside the door ,close it and leaned against to keep her from coming after him.. She screamed and pounded on it until she got tired and went upstairs. She got so violent the other day and was hitting herself in the face and threatening to take off in the car and kill herself. We called the police and the minute they showed up, instantly she became this sweet old lady who was having problems with her memory. When the police came out they said she didn't seem like she was a danger to herself or anyone else so until something happened there is nothing they could do. The minute they left she came downstairs smiling, and said 'well I took care of that didn't I'? and screamed at us to 'get the hell out of her g d house'! My sister (Who has spent the last two years fighting breast cancer )started bawling and my mom looked at her and smiled.dimentia. My sister raised me and I would do anything for her. She is the kindest, gentlest person I know. In that moment I hated my mother and I dont care if she's old or sick because the truth isshe is just plain evil. I remember seeing her behave like this when I was little. The dimentia just seems to have made her more vicous and proficient in her abilities to manipulate people. So all of us are walking away to save ourselves. The only problem with that is that they are sending my stepdad home in two weeks. My mom refuses to let us set up in home care and says she will take care of him.They have a history of vicious fights.because my mom loke I said loves to pick fights and will keep at him until he looses his temper. Although he probably won't be able to do any damage to her in his condition. We have told the rehab that it is not a safe environment for him. But they don' t seem to be too concerned because my mom behaves herself when she goes to see him. My brother who lived with them is moving out. We have tried to get accross to the police, her doctor, and anyone else involved how severe her issues are, but she is too good at controlling herself in public. No one can intervene until something bad enough happens that requires emergency intervention. I suppose all four of us are going to hell for not taking care of our mom. But our lives have been hell so I suppose we will feel right at home. I guess what I want to know is.. is there ever a point when nothing you do is enough and its okay to abandon your mother?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
17

Answers

Show:
I've read through many posts, and live through this with my husband. I agree that doctors see them for short moments, and behavior with others can be completely different. Night and Day. I recommend we start to use our cell phones to video (which will include sound) these episodes. If no one is in our house, we'll have to show them what is going on. The cell phone can be held low and will not be all that obvious. We need to record these things to show. Katie from Iowa
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Maria you are not a bad person. You are a very good person. We can not control our feelings, only our actions.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

and try and make sure it is a hidden camera so mommie dearest doesn't know
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My 90 yr old mom has been bipolar her whole life. I completely understand everything you wrote as my dad and brother and I have experienced it with her. You can't begin to describe it all .....and people who don't understand will give lots of advice that just doesn't work. It's grueling and takes endurance. The hardest part for me was watching my dad be abused by mom and her illness. He cared for her until his death - and that allowed my brother and I to move on and have good marriages and families. But my sweet dad died, then my brother, then my husband. Now mom lives with me. I feel guilty because it's a struggle to really care about her. I also still love her.
I remember many incidents similar to those you describe. Especially how she would turn "on a dime" into a sweet little lady and completely "snow" the doctors or "experts." Mental illness is awful. Now I am left with guilt for struggling to really "care" even though she has calmed down with medication.
I feel like the bad person.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I had a very similar situation with an elderly friend who eventually became toxic. It's not that you don't care about the person when you must detach and step back. However, there's a difference and not caring about the person and not caring about the situation. There comes a time when you know that you can no longer help when your help is not received as well as expected. My elderly friend started showing signs that he was becoming toxic, and yes, hindsight is a very good teacher. There comes a time when you must step back to save your own sanity. There was just so much going on in a year that I found myself also burning out, which was making me very tired. The problems that I faced happened when I was alone with him. When anyone else was around, things seemed much better to a point. It's just when I was alone with him that I really wished the aid would hurry up and come in. I recall a time when it got so bad that I secretly planned on leaving at the same time the aid left. When he started questioning me, I said that I had some things to do that really need to get done. All I did was just play it off by acting cool, calm, and collected. At some point, I reached a point where I really didn't care anymore about the situation, but I still cared about my friend as a person. I discovered that I had reached a point where I knew that the only way that anyone was going to get him the care he needed was to get someone who could get him into a nursing home where he belongs. Sadly, that just wasn't going to happen without some kind of outside intervention from the APS. Though I don't like being bothered with stuff like this, there came a time when I knew I was very key to getting this man to help he needed. There comes a time when you know that you're the only key to getting things done, and doesn't it seem funny that very responsibility tends to fall on those really don't like being bothered with this sort of thing? I'm not sure why this happens, but it's already happened to me twice within a very short time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

While my mother is not this bad yet, I am at my wits end on how to care for her. Verbally abusive my whole life and now I am all she has. Housebound an hour away from me, my life is consumed with how to help her, but I have no answers. Praying for you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You are not a bad person. Parents reap what they sow. Get away before you are burned out!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

All the advise here is spot on. Dont wait until something happens to one of you get out. But so you dont feel like you have abandon her follow the above suggestions then you can leave with a clean conscience. Be safe my dear.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Running a three ring circus would even be impossible for a saint. Save your sanity and let someone else take over.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You care too much, your feelings are normal after being held an emotional hostage for years. You are numb. Frozen to take action. Break free.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions