Back again, 89-yr-old Mom living with 90-yr-old Dad is coming home tomorrow from rehab after breaking her hip. Now what?
After a month of being in the hospital and rehab, mom will be discharged tomorrow. She has done well with her PT and her therapists have encouraged her with accolades as to how well she is doing. Problem is she is expecting to go home with the intent of running marathons. She honestly thinks she is in better shape than when she fell because she feels so much better. What she doesn’t realize is that she is under constant supervision and only does what she is told. At home she’ll do what she always does and forget all about the guidelines they set for her. Her dementia is well disguised because she wants to go home and will say and do anything to get her there. Once home, I’m sure she’ll go back to her old ways, not using her walker, bending and reaching and twisting which will only aggravate her condition (she has PMR and compression fractures, along with severe osteoporosis). Her rheumatologist thinks AL is the best place for her......but she refuses. Sister and I will share the brunt of this burden, as my dad is not capable of being a full time caregiver. I’m at a loss.
Do I just wait it out until the inevitable happens?
26 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Not interested in leaving hospital?
- My stepmom is in a NH for pulmonary rehabilitation. They called last night to tell me she's being discharged Tuesday, but she's unable to care for herself. Advice?
- Mom in nursing home for rehab, complaining - seems almost ready to be discharged. Brother is thinking of taking her Against Medical Advice..
- FIL is being kicked out of rehab!
Good Luck
Next, don't sign anything. If she can leave on her own signature, great!
If you truly believe she needs to live in AL or higher, please back off and hold onto your boundaries. The less you do, the more obvious the need is.
Have you read Dorker's thread?
Hugs are much appreciated😊
It doesn't sound like she needs a nursing aide, but do these companies hire out "companions", someone who can keep her from doing stupid things? I suggested before that when bringing these people in, introduce them as your friends, who have come to help YOU (be sure the services are aware of this too!)
The tub vs walk-in shower... that is a concern... transfer chair won't fit in bath, will her walker fit (that is if she uses it!) Also, sounds like she is open to having help... or was that just talk because she wants out of the rehab?
(Continuing:) previously I worked as "livein night attendant"-who worked closely with them thru two Separate situations/clients& I learned Hospice includes a support-chain of people already available! From the weekly RN checks to twice- a-week bathers, to personal case worker/liaison, to the wkly spiritual advisor=all worked together with family/ client =the choices are available. As I learned so much from these people & I can confidently say that Hospice is so much more than most people assume! Its not just caregiving for the last few hours/days/weeks/monthes OF LIFE , ITS the quality of people who will give advice if u ask & they can be ur own lifeline to provide home care that isn't chaos-- I can also state, its regardless of how long or how many times u may be told by doctor(s): they have ___much time left...only God knows that -so son the surprised by humans ability to survive longer/more times....Indeed I am still exhausted after last client, but maybe in few monthes of rest/respite-I will definitely return to be caregiver in a few monthes, because of the understanding gained from Hospice caregivers & Nat'l Caregiver Assoc.- Take Care of yourself 1st...Regards!🌹
Back to your mom, refusing. Can you say to her, "we (her daughters) are not capable of providing the care you need now? We don't have the skills necessary to care for you on a 24 hour basis. Please let's consider AL so that you have what you need, we can continue working, etc, and we will enjoy our visits with you on a regular basis."
I know this is very difficult and perhaps seems impossible, but you cannot give up your life for someone else, even a parent.
We have a longtime poster here, Frequent Flyer. Her parents went to look at an AL ( because she couldn't do the home upkeep for them anymore). Parents said " maybe when we're old" ( they were 95 at the time)
The mom fell, hit her head, major brain bleed. She died. The dad then happily moved to IL and then memory care.
Sometimes, all you can do is wait.
Keep in touch. We care!
Do you have medical POA? I think not.
As damaged she is, it's your mom and dad's right to make poor decisions. And it's your right to say "no, that's a really stupid choice mom. Why have you saved for a rainy day if you're not going to use it to fund your care?".
Get the money question out in the open.
When we realized my mom needed facilty care and that it would cost 5k per month, my mom said " oh, I can't afford that". Fortunately my sil the MBA said " don't be silly. Of COURSE you can afford that".
You need to be very tough here, Abby. You need to let both of your parents know that you're not signing up for this gig.
When my Mom was discharged from Rehab, both Physical Therapist and Occupational Therapist came to our house and had Mom perform some of the activities that she would normally do: use the toilet, get into and out of the shower, get into and out of the bed, get food out of the refrigerator and put it in microwave, etc. Once PT & OT were satisfied that Mom could perform ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) by herself safely at home, THEN they released her from the facility.
I agree with Barb, call Home Health immediately and ask for an evaluation for aide assistance, companion, therapy and nursing to take care of your Mom.
She made scrambled eggs, took a shower, used the microwave, etc. I expressed concerns that a walk-in shower isn’t the same as a tub....and that cooking under supervision isn’t the same as being home. They feel she can be home alone for about 3 hours so my dad can run errands etc. I disagree. She will have VN, PT,OT, and home health care aids starting on Friday. She has run out of Medicare benefits and is adamant about not spending a dime to extend her stay. Dad agrees. Medicare will pick up her home services for a limited time. Last time PT stopped coming because she wasn’t progressing (just two months ago). I am at wits end. Next breathe she tells me she wants round the clock care if it comes to that....even though her experience with the rehab center was a positive one....she thrived on all the attention she received.
You can choose to place her her and her spouse in the nicest AL you can find.
You can allow her to return to the life she was living before she fell, to fend for herself with her spouse’s help.
You can bring her home with full time live in help.
You can bring her home and plan to be her full time care giver.
The decision making? BRUTAL. But as painful as it is, when you consider her medical status and your father’s willingness to accompany her AND her medical provider’s input, the decision seems a bit clearer.
Of course, SHE REFUSES. EVERYONE with dementia refuses, because of the dreadful and undeniable effects of dementia. And while it is tragic in every case, her “refusal” however poignant, is the LAST consideration to be using to decide what can be done to help these dear people to a life that is “safe - comfortable - content”.
If your parents call with an "emergency" call 911.
Look, your parents have the means to fund their own care. YOU are not a retirement plan. You have your own family to care for and you are not a spring chicken (and neither is your sister).
You need to say "I can't possibly do that".
Is the rehab stating that this is a safe discharge? Do they have a home health agency set up already?
Although, I have to admit I’m a minimalist.....and mom is a hoarder. I realize I have to pick my battles, but I feel the way things are presently both parents are in harms way.
Mom will be alone and she'll need to make a choice. Home alone or AL with Dad.
Abby, don't see this as YOU needing to step in. Make it inevitable.
Please, Abby. Remember this.
Your parents are financially comfortable and can hire help. Help them find an agency.
Do not become your mom's personal servant.
Learned that water skiing a few years back. Yes, its true..
That rule goes with most activity at any age....
Depending on how advanced the dementia is, you might discuss with her that she is 89. She might like to live to 100 but chances are she won’t.
She will more than likely live longer in ALF because she would be in an environment where she would be less likely to accidently harm herself and be better able to live pain free longer. Her mind is strong (therapeutic fib) but she has physical limitations that have to be considered.
If that seems too far afield then, yes, you probably have to wait for the fall.
Hopefully, you will arrange for her to continue to have therapy once she comes home.
But remember that you and sister need to be watchful that you don’t wear yourself too thin too soon.
Please, please set boundaries. Hire help. Don’t bring her home and start doing housework and running foolish errands. MANAGE her care. Don’t provide it. You have to pace yourself. Decide before she comes home the amount of time you will contribute. She’s had someone waiting on her 24/7 in the rehab. Why would she think she needs ALF if you provide all the help.
Good luck.