I'm stressed beyond belief. My first child is due January 1st and I'm spending too much time worrying about what is going to happen to my Dad.
He's in a memory care but his money has run out. He's been approved for Medicaid and I've been trying for the better part of a year to find someplace to take him. Every place says the same thing. Either they don't have space or he is too much for them to handle.
I wish I never agreed to move him to this state. It was my grandmother's idea and I wanted to help her. Now I'm feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. There just aren't as many resources here for someone with his disabilities (MAJOR stroke left him paralyzed with severe cognitive damage).
On top of all this I haven't been able to establish a guardianship here yet (they haven't responded to my petition I submitted 10 months ago) and I'm in trouble with the court that initially appointed me. I have a show cause hearing tomorrow. Spent way too much on attorneys already and I can't afford to hire another one.
My father suffers terribly every day and I DREAD going to see him. I don't know how long he will live this way but I often find myself wishing he would just die. It's a hard thing to admit but it is true. I need to put my child and husband first.
What else might I do to resolve this issue? I know his current facility can't discharge him with nowhere to go. I'm just worried they will come after me for the unpaid bills.
They probably won’t offer it up.
But, if your dad is at a certain care level, it is their job to find a solution where he is safe and cared for.
If they haven’t already done so, request that the caseworker initiate an assessment of him for level of care. They should get info from his doc as well to round out that assessment.
I pulled myself out of the picture. They found sibling a place to live. I have POA and only get involved in moving/housing arrangements when absolutely necessary.
I wish you the best in this hard time.
Also advise you do not have the legal Guardianship.
Then see what they can suggest. If anything new you haven't tried?
You are about to have a baby - big congrats!
So something will have to give.
Dad may even need emergency guardianship (court appointed) to access his capacity, assign a POA, sort his housing & financial matters.
You may need to be more of a caring relative, than his caretaker. Know where his boat gets parked, rather than rowing his boat for him.
" I haven't been able to establish a guardianship here yet (they haven't responded to my petition I submitted 10 months ago) and I'm in trouble with the court that initially appointed me. I have a show cause hearing tomorrow. Spent way too much on attorneys already and I can't afford to hire another one."
How much money did you spend on attorneys? What did they do for you, if you still haven't been appointed permanently? Grandma should have paid. You say you agreed to do this to help her. What exactly has she done? Nothing (other than to dump it all on you to make HER feel better)?
As 499HopeFloats suggested, DO YOU want the responsibility of guardianship?
Why are you concerned that the MC will come after you for unpaid bills. Did you sign anything when he was admitted to be financially responsible for anything?
You've done a lot already for someone who ignored you for (how many?) years. Did your grandmother ask your brother to do the same thing you are doing? If not, why not? Is your brother completely out of the picture? YOU are the one expecting a baby -- the health of TWO people is at risk in your case.
Please do whatever you need to to disentangle yourself from your father's care completely. Your baby and your H deserve that....and YOU!
I realize that you care deeply for your father, but please don’t neglect your health. It isn’t good for you to be this stressed out while pregnant.
What has the memory care suggested for your dad after his release? Do they have a social worker on staff that has experience with any of this? I am glad that he is approved for Medicaid.
My father had a stroke. The social worker at the hospital was a big help in guiding us on the next steps to take regarding his care.
It’s extremely hard to see our parents suffering. So, I understand that you have wished for his suffering to end. My dad’s stroke wasn’t as severe as your father. When he died, I was sad but happy that he wasn’t suffering any longer.
Are your parents divorced or is your mom deceased? Was your dad being cared for by your grandmother before you took over the responsibility of overseeing his care?
Do you live in a small town? Please tell us more about your situation.
Stick around, others will have suggestions that may be of help to you.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
He's twice divorced and barely talked to me or my brother for years before the stroke. He was living near my grandmother but she is 83 and unable to oversee his care.
I live in Montana and all over the state nursing homes are closing due to lack of staff and funding. Many people here are in tough situations and Medicaid beds are hard to come by.
I guess I will just keep trying. Thank you for your kind wishes.
Be very clear that, while you care about him, you are not his caretaker. That with his significant needs, he requires a team which is one reason you helped him apply for Medicaid. They are the team.
I have had to do this with a sibling whose day to day care, diminished capacity (and awful attitude) was drowning me after losing my mother and my in-laws after years of care.
You need to care for your own family. It will not be easy, but it is the best thing to do that takes into account the needs of ALL involved, not just your father.
I am sure more people will chime in. I recommend you make the call tomorrow. Find out who his case worker is. Call and ask what their plan is. Don’t explain a lot or apologize or try to control the process. You can say yes, it is so sad he is in this position, but luckily he has the team now. You will be only partially available as your pregnancy is taking a toll, but look forward to hearing where he and the team decide he will be placed, so that you can visit when you are able.