Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?

I feel for everyone here having to deal with a negative parent. I am 49 and recently divorced my children are grown, I still have 19 yr old daughter at home. My mother has lived with me for about 7 years. She is now 83. My mother has been this way all my life, nothing good to say about anything. Never leaves the house unless I make her and then its pitiful, she is on medication for aniexty which doesn't help. she is hard of hearing, which my sister bought a good hearing aid, but her aniexties get the best of her and she cannot focus on what you are saying. I hardly go anywhere but work and home, if I leave to go out she is constantly calling me, if I am not home right after work she is calling me. She is still able to take care of her own needs and gets around very good for her age. I go home everyday and listen to what the neighbors did and what my daughter did, and its all in a negative way, nothing good to say. I live for when she goes to bed every night so I do not have to hear anymore. I feel alot of her problems stem from being uneducated and poor when she was growing up, maybe she just never felt she fit in. I really don't know but I know I am tired.

my mom cannot speak too much but always kind of whining- if she were negative verbally i would put her in a home- mom watches monk and funniest videos- it makes her laugh- but if she were negative - put her in a home cuz someitimes they say old folks are nicer to strangers- for instance - took mom to dinner she whined and sobbed(quietly- would not eat) and was withdrawn- we walked past a waiter as we were leaving and she looked at him and smiled and said hi ( what theheck was that) then she started whining and sobbing as we walkde to the car- amazing- how does your mom treat strangers? in doctors office same thing- does not want to be there wont even look at me - sbut when she sees the door open and another patient come in she looks up at them to see if they see her and she tries to smile at them?????

I agree with you, 195Austin. It always has to be what works for each person. If it's not you, it won't make you feel good about yourself, RebeccaLynn. "To thine own self be true."

Ypu have to do what you can live with I talked to my husband until I was blue in the face and it did not work he only wanted to argue so I used the method of just leaving his space wheather he was at home or in rehab and that worked for me it would be better if you could change her behaivor by talking about it but with her history that probably will make it worse so do what works for you I see others have given you some suggestions good ones having her live somewhere else sounds like a plan to me and maybe talking to a professional would help if only to bounce ideas off of and I hope you find a way to resolve this and let us know what works for you.

LYNN:

Ask yourself: Am I a sucker for punishment?

Your teeth, if you ignore them, will definitely go away. ... But not your mother. She needs attention, but if you give it to her she'll use the opportunity to lambast both of you. Then you run from her (in your own house for Christ's sake!) to avoid hurting her feelings. Why? A good tongue-lashing is what she needs to straighten up her act and behave gratefully once and for all.

She's in total control. Running your house, running you and your husband. And if she could survive without it, she'd run you both out and send you screaming for the hills with that horrific-sounding wheeled walker from one of those Halloween movies like Scream. (If she auditions, they'll probably give her the part at the drop of a hat. She's a natural.)

Lynn, you still continue to take this abuse; and the time will come when you'll pop your cork to the point your mom and your husband will lock themselves in their rooms. Hurt people hurt, and it's not going to go away until you do something about it so people -- your mom included -- will finally get it through their heads that you're not to be messed with.

Negative behaviors, in the absence of consequences, are apt to be repeated. So put an end to this abuse, baby. Your husband, who keeps his mouth shut because it's your mother, will thank you for it. And so will we.

-- ED

would your mom like to meet my dad????two of a kind

It may help if you give your Mom a reality check. The next time she starts getting on "you people," gently let her know that you are hearing from her repeatedly that she is unhappy living with both of you. Let her know that you will help her find long-term living arrangements where health professionals will be on hand to tend to her physical ailments and where you will be able to visit her at times that are convenient to her, instead of her having to live with you both knowing that she is unhappy with her present living arrangement. Reassure her that you are not offended that her current living arrangement is not working to her satisfaction, and that having done your best, there is nothing more you can do than what you have already done.

If you are not ready to go there, or to have such a candid conversation, years ago, unrelated to caregiving, I decided that I need never have the last word in any conversation. I agree with JulieWI, that walking away, maybe even going for a walk, or playing some soothing music may offer much needed stress reduction, if not relief.

I'm smiling as I read about the noise of the walker. No walker in my life, thank God, but the tick-tick-tick of the cane marks the passage of time for several minutes each day. Funny I don't remember it tick-ticking when Mom first started using it?

You didn't gross me out, Rebecca. Growing older comes with its eccentricities is what comes to mind. I suppose that when one is losing one's independence and control attention-seeking becomes a form of positive attention? If she is still able to write, encourage her to start a list of what all is ailing her so that she can go over it all with her doctor at her next scheduled visit.

whatodom

I would strongly suggest that you seek therapy. Your mother sounds just like my MIL!

Oh gosh, RebeccaLynn, your story could be mine. My mother, 87. lives with me. My husband died in 2008 and I am an only child so there is just the two of us. Yesterday we got into a huge fight because she wanted me to order tea in a restaurant - because she did- and I don't drink tea!! What is that all about?! "Just to be sociable" she says. "Ridiculous" I say,"I have water to drink" . Now she feels attacked! What does she think I feel? My head is ready to burst from the pressure of trying to overlook her ridiculous comments and constant opinions. Should I seek therapy?

I just found this site because I am, like so many of you, worn slick with frustration. My 88-year-old mom lives on her own, a few miles away. We have always had a problem with negativity, focus on medical conditions and the tendency to hyperfantacize (and not in a good way). This is not an "elder" condition but a life-long personality state. She has recently amped up her activities starting with gastric reflux diagnosis...she won't take the drugs (which are stronger than those she had been on) because of the side effects, she has called 911 twice within a week, has had countless medical tests and blames me for not taking charge of her care by telling the doctors to "fix her". She will not take responsibility for caring for herself by accepting the side effects a stronger yet more effective medication might briefly cause. I was a secretly suicidal teen as a result of her and now I'm 63 and truly interested in maintaining a sane quality of life for myself. She will never live with me (I don't know how the rest of you do it) because I couldn't do it. We're helping with 50% of her living expenses because she blew money like a madwoman after my dad died. Just thank you for being there, and listening. I have a sister on the east coast but she's not here when I need help. So, thank you, unknown sisters (and brothers).

My mother has always been a very negative person, but I forgot that with her living 200 miles away. We would only see them maybe once a year or so, because of many issues. Distance worked well for us...until dad's diagnosis and incarceration in a psych ward, then nursing home. She couldn't function alone, so I became guardian/conservator. This did not work well. In fact, we found out just how horridly negative she was...(as memories came flooding back). It isn't an old age thing with my mom, but a severe Personality Disorder (actually many disorders). And the more we did for her, the worse she became. Nothing pleased her, and still doesn't. Now I am hearing negative reports from mom's new guardian, and from the nursing home. There are literally young CNAs who walk the other way when she enters there, refusing to deal with her. Much as I love my mother, I am better with NO contact with her whatsoever. I now understand what I came to recognize as situational anxiety, ~every time I had to be around her. We literally felt as though we were in bondage to the sickest woman I ever met in my life. Nothing pleases this woman, no matter how hard one tries, and being around her is a nightmare for anyone forced to do so. Her guardian's time with her is severely limited, as mine has become as well. How her friends tolerate her is beyond our comprehension. Water tends to seek its own level...so to speak. I don't like it that it is this way with my mother, but it is of her choosing, and is also her problem. We can't take the abuse she accuses others of. I have never met a more miserable person before, ever. How can someone like that live with themselves? That's a mystery to us. It is hard to answer someone when they ask, "How's your mother?" I guess I could say, "About the same..." Ugh! At least we're not fighting over stupid things anymore. She has found some others to complain about.

Dad is not that way, at all. He does have his Advanced Stage Alzheimer's moments, but he is pleasant, and manageable. We like to visit with him, most of the time. I am his guardian, and conservator, and serving my father is more than duty, we actually find it satisfying and pleasant. He gives me no grief, and truly enjoys our visits, and everything we do for/with him.

My FIL is also very pleasant. Even with Vascular Dementia, at the age of 90, he's a pleasant soul. He speaks respectfully to people, and always says, "Hi, honey!" So much the opposite of mom.

Ever seen the bumper sticker about mean people?

my mom is negative also - in addition to her vascular dementia- and it was a real shock to me because I had this fantasy going that she was going to be sweet and loving like her mother was when she got tobe in her 70's - and whoa !!! She sure isn't the same as my grandmother was ! Part of coping for me was to give up my fantasy and stop hoping for something that was never gong to be. I also have learned to let it roll off....do not respond- what we feed, grows, what you starve, does not grow. She eventually runs out of steam, and I can get her into talking about something else. Mom won't leave home and go visit with others her age, so I go on and do what I need to do , making sure when she needs to have supervision, either my brother stays with her or I hire a caregiver for the time I need to be gone, and I no longer grieve for what I used to have because I have trained myself to look at her as a stranger inhabiting my mother's body - the illness has taken away the mother I knew and replaced her with a person who is ill and cannot help herself, and to honor her memory I am taking care of this alien as well as I can.... I know to some this is going to sound absolutely crazy and heartless but it is not... because once in awhile, when I am grounded and feeling good, I can put my arms around her and kiss her on the cheek, and tell her I love her... and I see the faint glimmer of what I used to have with her in her eyes... and I know I am doing the right thing. Sometimes the negativity is there because they have lost so much.... my Mom has lost everyone of her family to death, and she just needs to be loved..... there is no one else left but me and my brother to love her. Ice Cream cones work too.... she really likes Dairy Queen soft serve !

Caregiving can be very stressful. Many seniors find themselves in a deep depression as they age, due to the lack of independence, illness or aging issues, or just the idea of aging older. Dealing with a parent or loved one who emotionally feels that they must be negative is a very upsetting thing to do.

However, there can be a few options for you. One is to consult a psychologist (NOT psychiatrist) regarding any emotional matter between you and your loved one. Talk therapy can do miracles.
Another option is to have your loved one evaluated for malnutrition that may be causing a deficiency of B12 or other essential neurological vitamins.
Along with that, medications can cause depression or severe behaviour, so going to a pharmacy technician or your local physician may answer this "chemical reaction" to medication question.
Alas, more options are available: it may be time to figure out what care option would be right for your loved one. Use a Senior Care assessment tool (by clinking on GeriCareFinder) to figure out which care facility type would best help your loved one.

I don't have the 'rolling thunder' but I do have the heavy footsteps coming down the stairs, I know your pain. My mom is negative as well, but more than that, she REFUSES to take responsibility for ANY decision making, that way she cannot be blamed for anything. She will not even choose the meat from the platter, tries to make me fix her plate. I just tell her to take her time and choose.
Today I told her she needed to move to a retirement community nearby, that I can't take care of her any longer. Her health is good, but she is nearly blind. I work 100 miles away, 10 hours a day. I have a few days that I work at home each week but I have to WORK and am tied to the computer. I just can't do this any longer. She can afford the rent on the apartments at the community..it's 12 minutes away from me...Its lovely there, I would move in! Am I so wrong to be doing this? She is making me take all responsibility for this decision...so she can blame me later if something goes wrong.

RebeccaLynn - have you tried walking away when she starts to complain? I have to admit that I am very lucky and my mom (who lives with me) is very nice. She did go through a negative period, but it was mostly aimed at people on the TV that she'd never met. However, a few times she has been complaining or - frankly - just plain rude. I tell her flat out that she is rude and I won't listen to it. So far, that has stopped any complaining.

Your mom also may be complaining because she feels she has lost control. You could ask her how she wants to solve her problems with sleeping and diarrhea. That way she can't say your solution doesn't work. Any ideas are hers.

Take care.

RebeccaLynn, I had to LOL when I read this post. Right there with ya sister!!!!! I've tried to show her positives and she will find negatives in that. Mom does have a sense of humor. I started calling her B (for bitter) and she calls me B (for b*&ch). The humor only lasts a short time and then the negative comes back. I'm at my wits end on this as well. She's on mood elevators and the social workers come and tell me this is normal and to just over look it. Easy for them to say, they can leave :P

Hi RebeccaLynn,

My mom and your mom could be one in the same. My mom too lives with me, she is 97 and always negative. She says she is ready to go(die) so I am wondering what is taking so long...........( i know i am going to burn for saying thsoe words)
She says the same things as your mom. I try to avoid her also but she lives with me (for the last 4yrs) so there are only so many places to hide. I try to keep myself preoccupied with other things but this caregiving is a 24/7 job and I am an only so there you go. I love this site as we are all in the same boat.
Just know that you do not walk alone and we are all here for each other since no one outside in the real world knows our world.
Take care,
onenandonly

RebeccaLynn, Yes I understand about the "sound of the rolling walker" coming down the hall. You are dealing with a lot. Your mother is living in your home with you and your husband. That is a very big gift you are giving to your Mom. The very fact that you are doing this for her indicates that you love her very much. If it helps, try to remember that the act of having your Mom live with you is already a generous gift, and that large amounts of your energies and attentions to her are not required of you. At least that's my belief. To tell you the truth, when I started listening to what God was telling me to do, and not what others or my "inner guilt voices" were telling me to do---that's when I started to gain control of the caregiving situation for my parents, and for the maintenance of my own strength. I have also had depression. My doctor told me that I was suffering from "situational depression" related to the care of my parents. That sounds like the case for you. If the depression is causing you a problem, please talk to your doctor about possible medication, and also find a counselor/coach/therapist to talk to . I think it is helpful for you to limit the amount of time you will listen to negative statements from your mother. The other thing you can do is try with all your might to be as cheerful as you can be ( I know! It's hard sometimes!) around your Mom, and bring up cheerful, positive topics for conversation. But also protect your own "me time". ( as my daughter calls it (-: ) Good Luck!