Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?

He was very nice to her and told her that it was upsetting me and that they love her, but they had to protect me.

Thank you sosad2 ~ I do try to spend time with Chris as much as possible. We actually have been together for almost 2 years. Although, some weeks we do not get a chance to see each other b/c of different things happening w. my parents. He live an hour and twenty minutes away, so it is a long distance relationship as well. He works for the state in Lansing and moving at this time is not an option for either of us. Kivy, sorry to hear your mother does not understand boundaries either. You know, at one time I found comfort in my mom's strength, but somewhere along the line it crossed over to something terrible. There is a power struggle between us. I know she does not want to lose herself, but I need to find myself. I'm over halfway through my life. I've gave a great deal of time to them already and I want to continue to be there...but, I don't want to wake up one day only to find I've completely missed out of life.

Wow does my heart ever go out to you! I took care of my Mom till she died 9 years ago, and then I was responsible for my Dad till he died this past May. My Mom was not bad, but my Dad was just awful! (even made it hard to care for my Mom) They did not live with me because he refused to leave his home. Their home was a 2 hour drive from my home, so I had to leave my life behind and stay there most of the time. (I would on occasion get to come home for a week-end) I was ridiculed daily, about my weight, my financial spending was questioned, my family (son & husband) were degraded, and my cooking was made fun of. My Mom appreciated everything, my Dad appreciated nothing. It was horrible and I cried and prayed alot! Now I am dealing with the estate, which was not gift wrapped and ribbon wrapped. It's a mess. (by the way, I DO have 3 sibblings that did not help at all, but keep calling me now to know how the estate is going. Imagine that huh?) Hang in there sweetie. You WILL get thru it. I will send out prayers for you.

Mom Mom has always been difficult, but with the dementia she became impossible. I went to live with my Mom after my Dad died 9 years ago. He was suffering from dementia as well. My Mom would call me at all hours of the night and I spent weekends there as well trying to help care for him.
After he passed away, I gave up my apartment and moved in with her because she was afraid to be alone. What a mistake that was.
But it has been the last 4 or 5 years that have been the hardest. I lost my life and my independence and she was still never happy.
The last 2 years things were so bad and she would not allow any help in the house. She had hallucinations and delusions as well as medical problems. I handled everything. When she got really mean and crazy, I would have to call my sister who lives a few miles away and she would try and take my Mom to her house for a few hours. A few hours was all she would stay...she had to get home. Even though she did not recognize this home and drove me crazy packing and unpacking. And all the while she wanted to call the shots. This demented woman still put fear in the hearts of her daughters.
Finally we were able to get her into a Nursing home (6 weeks ago) A terrific place that really cares for the residents. She has her own room and there are others on her floor in similar condition to her. But the visiting is a horror. She is always mad at me and my sister. Demands to go home and packs up her stuff constantly. We cut the visits to every 2 days, but still she was like this. Then we went to every 3 days...Nothing so far has been successful. The disease has made her unhappy in every environment. The biggest problem is the depression and guilt after she levels all her accusations at me. (I stole her house, her money, etc, etc.)I know it is the disease making a difficult woman worse, but even therapy has barely made a dent in my unhappiness. I am 63 and wonder when I get a life too.

Good morning, my mother has also accused me of stealing her home and possessions and never seems content in any environment. Though she has never been formally diagnosed I believe that she is highly likely to have narcissistic personality disorder. If you look it up on line you may find a striking resemblance to your parent, I don't know. With counseling I finally figured out that my mother was never going to give me permission to have my own life, nor approval for anything I did nor anyone I dated. Those were difficult pills to swallow. So I started working on giving myself permission and approval. I still work on that, I still fight feeling guilty and insecure, but it is worth the fight. I am glad I at least started, and that is the stuff I use self talk to fight as I walk my dogs and get some balance back after one of her verbal attacks. I also respond to her verbal attacks the way I learned to respond to my teen agers when they verbally attacked me. Honest "I" statements that I have come to believe really help, at least with my mom and daughters. They lessen the verbal attacks, though they are never completely gone, and they help me feel like a whole person instead of a doormat. Though I must say that when you first put them into practice the response it often to elevate the verbal attack to see if the new defence can be defeated. I could never have done it without support. I had to learn how to not play into the game, and it was hard to undo years of the "training" I'd had from my mother.

I have been avoiding my mother all this week (for a much needed break). She does not live with me; she lives independently in her own home. I usually call her every other day, and listen on the phone for up to an hour each time to her woes and ailments (exaggerated), incessant criticism of others, and stories that I have heard over and over again. She has always been very manipulative, always wanting her way, and tries to lay guilt trips on me all the time. She has mild vascular dementia (caused by mini-strokes). Her mind is well enough that she can function on her own. Her main problem is finding the right words to say when she is trying to explain something to me. Most of the time, she doesn't make sense when trying to tell me something. When I ask her questions to clarify and try to figure out what she is saying, she gets mad and turns it on me as if I am stupid. In her mind, she is explaining things clearly, and she doesn't get why I can't understand her. Her explanations have a lot of words like "you know", "watcha-ma-call-it" "doodad", contradicting herself, and calling people by the wrong names. I realize this is part of the dementia, but I am tired of putting up with her disrespect, lashing out at me, manipulation, and constant negativity and criticism. I have decided that I will no longer stay on the phone for long periods of time, enabling her to dump all of her negativity on me. I called her briefly yesterday and cut the conversation very short. She seemed to be very surprised when, after 5 minutes, I told her I needed to go. I could tell she had more she wanted to say (complaining), but during the 5 minutes we talked...she didn't have much to talk about except what was on tv (and the criticism thereof). I want her to get used to short conversations, because for my sanity, I can't continue to hang on the phone listening to the same negativity that I have been listening to for the past several years (she has always been this way, but after my dad died...I've had to listen to it constantly). I only have onesibling, a brother, and he doesn't listen to her complaining...so she dumps it all on me. I have decided that if she has something important to tell me, she better learn to do it early in her conversation, because once the complaining starts, it will be time for me to get off the phone. I want to help her when she truly needs help, but I never know when she is really sick because she makes a mountain out of a molehill all the time. I want to get her to realize that I will be there for her when she really needs it, but I won't be her doormat. Thanks for letting me vent.

I understand what you are going through regarding the estate and siblings, vebatt. Although my parents are still alive and the house is in their name. My oldest brother wants to run the finances and the other just shows up with his hand stretched out...sometimes, requesting certain items of antique furniture. I get so mad. I asked to have medical power of attorney, b/c I deal with the medical issues all the time. When my brother who lives out west found out, well shit hit the fan. He wanted to make sure that was all I got, complaining how he didn't want me to decide what happens with my parents money. Long story short, his reaction caused my parents not to allow the medical power of attorney also. They have talked about giving us dual power of attorney, but from what I understand, I would need to fax all papers to my brother, have him sign, fax them back and then medical issues could be addressed. Makes me so mad! Sometimes, time is important. I don't see how dual power of attorney can work. As for running the money, guess I would be out of the picture. I'm good enough to clean up after the parents, but that's about it.

Sounds too familiar...my mother has a problem for every solution. Somebody once told me I had that saying backwards. No I don't.
May God bless you for the stuff you have to take. It is so hard to do this. We will, however, look back with no regrets.

I avoid mother as much as possible due to the manipulative, controlling behaviour of a lifetime. She has a personality disorder. I have to do this for my own health. I have PTSD from childhood and later experiences. Too much contact and game playing and I get flashbacks. I am the "helpful" daughter and will see that her needs (not all her wants) are met, but I do not have to do it all. I keep track of how she is by contact with those who help here and will intervene if necessary. At 99 she is on excellent physical health and in a very nice ALF - but all she can do is complain about how badly the world treats her. Many people would love to be as well off as she is.

@minmen -mother wanted to give joint POA to me and my sister who lives in Scotland. I said flat out no, wrote mother[s lawyer and told her why (my sister is manipulative and has a hand out for what she can get but will not lift a finger to help when she comes over for a visit). In fact I am considering giving up POA -I think an impartial non-family member would be a better choice - less opportunity for game playing. The last exchange we had over finances was disasterous - a friend of mine called her behaviour despicable. That is a strong word. Sometimes it boils down to protecting yourself as well as looking after them.

Very good topic. Love this site. I have joined many discussions here, but this one caught my eye this morning. However, I will not agree with anne123, with getting on any medication for ourselves. I am 53, and have taken care of my mom who is 88, for the past several years. We do not live together, but I have had to spend everyday with her and many nights with her at her place or at mine. I lost my job, my savings, and my sanity with this caregiving thing. I had to deal with so much that I could no longer take it. I am now back to work and only for 3 weeks now and I feel so much better about myself. Mom is on the list to go into assisted living but refuses to go or doesn't want to leave her things. My family is allowing this to go the way they feel it should by letting her stay at home now and my neice has moved in with her now. She is starting to go bonkers being with mom too. I love my mom , (already lost my dad 6yrs ago), and he stayed at home until he died. I dealt with negative stuff from him everyday. My mom is very negative too now. THere is nothing you can do but delegate other care options, get out of the situation, no matter how much you want to be there and do the job. It will only take you down. Some people have a great deal of patience for this. But mine ran out. By coming to this site and seeking other support , I found out that the only way to keep my sanity was to remove myself from being the full-time caregiver. Putting yourself on medication as the other post said , is just wrong. But for now, I would just try to ignore the negativity. Don't respond to it, and constantly try to find things to do with your mom to entertain her. Easy for me to say. I constantly made up excuses to work on the lawn or outside when I had to get away from it.

I've found so much of what has been written to be true for our situation, also. My dad had Parkinson's and vascular dementia, and was a sundowner the last couple of years of his life. He ended up in a nursing home the last nine months because his personality turned 180 degrees and he became violent. A facility was necessary to protect my mom from his aggressive behavior. For him, it was a complete departure from his previous kind and gentle self, as both husband and father. Then Mama began progressing into dementia and her personality is more of a magnification of what was there previously. Insecure, paranoid, unhappy with how her life has ended up. I have seen yet a different aspect with my mom-in-law, who has Alz, and is in a nursing home in another town, where my sis-in-law is her primary. It's taking a toll on my dear SIL, as my MIL is miserable and very vocal about it. All that said, I have come to the realization--over time and with my husband's and daughter's help--that I do not have to be the source of my mom's happiness. I can't meet her expectations without becoming a completely different person, which causes me huge anxiety when I have tried in the past. I now am okay with knowing that she is as safe as I can possibly ensure (she is stubborn and does things that she shouldn't, but can't/won't cha ge her behavior) and she is as well taken care of as I can possibly manage. Inhale no control over her happiness, however. It is a choice only she can make. By nature or choice, I am an optimist and she is a pessimist. We are definitely a glass half full/glass half empty combination. I can't change her personality or perspective, and I have ceased trying. I love her and want her to live out her years as comfortably as possible, but if she slips and falls (again), breaks a bone (again), and I am not able to care for her in-home, then I will have to find an ALF or NH for her at that time. I have had that discussion with her, very gently but firmly, and it's up to her. She has osteoporosis and othermhealth issues, but is in denial. I have noticed that it is common for dementia patients to become "more" of whatever they were in the past--the disease seems to magnify certain personality traits as it progresses. Daddy's was not as common a situation, but Mama's appears to be very typical, if there is such a thing. If there's one thing I've realized about dementia, it's that there's no one-size-fits-all in either symptoms, progression, or outcome. Or how caregivers handle it. We do the best we can in the caring department, and sometimes it's just not enough to make a negative into a positive. I hope that makes some kind of sense. Bottom line, support helps, counseling helps, boundaries for our own health and wellbeing are a must, and when we have done all we can do, there is no shMe in finding a different solution and removing ourselves as primary caregivers. It doesn't mean we love them less, we just can't do more without risking having two ill people at risk rather than one.

I am sorry, but it feels like the statement "putting yourself on medication is just wrong" is judgemental. Different people need different things, and medication is not evil. I am glad for this site and for the open sharing of ideas and experiences. These are tough times and, barring illegal, destructive, or violent actions we need to do what we can to care for ourselves.

@ cowgirl - glad to see you have made some changes and pulled back so you have a life
@caregiverathome -agree so strongly -we cannot make others happy - they make their choices -and there is no shame in finding different solutions -when it works at home -you have my admirationj, when it doesn't you have my admiration too
@kivy - I am on meds - because I need them - my mother factors in there somewhere, Some self medicate with alcohol to deal with there situations (less desirable in my view) - some cannot manage well without antid's - I am for them if they help you to cope with life in general - it is sad to me if people take on caregiving and as a result of that need antid's - not against them - just it is sad to me if there is no other alternative

Hi emjo: thanks for the comment. :-) I see antidepressants similar to vitamins. They help the brain maintain a chemical balance under stress that it would be likely to produce and maintain on its own without the pressure of stress, and can prevent a destructive downward physical cycle in the brain and body. The main reason I don't think alcohol is a long term solution is that it actually increases the downward cycle in the brain and body and can generate serious physical problems. (Not that I am a tee-totaler, just want people to have whatever will support both their daily functioning and long term health.) But there are no perfect solutions. We all seem to be working with difficult daily realities. We all seem to deserve some kindness and a break. this site certainly helps me get some of that kindness. My thanks to all who post here.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and potential solutions. I too am a caregiver for my widowed Mother who has Parkinson's. I have come to agree with many of the previous posts that I cannot do anything that makes my Mother happy or change her negativity for longer than about 10 minutes. I've also tried to be as positive to her negative focus as possible, but it rarely changes the equation. I have learned much from all the others out there that are assisting parents through this difficult time, and appreciate your strength and courage. I hope I can stand up to this situation and feel that my anxiety and stress may be reduced a little by reading other's solutions to similar issues. Thanks again.

My love and prayers are with you. It is a HUGE task to undertake. Please do not allow GUILT to eat you alive. Just do the best that you can each day and know that you gave it all that you were capable of giving. If you DO NOT set some boundaries and TIME OUT for yourself and your HEALTH, you will become sicker than your mother.
Who will take care of you? Not selfish -REALITY!!!

@fran - Thanks so much for your kind words. I will try to take them to heart during this interesting and difficult time. I also appreciate the posting by Kivy on a "parenting" book she referenced when her teens were growing up, and is now using similar tools to work with her mother. I hope it's available at our local library, as I surely need all the professional help I can get to deal with the guilt trip feelings, and how to be a stronger and more patient caregiver. Since the situation many of us are dealing with now has reversed the mother/father-daughter/son role, I can see that some of Mom's negativity is due to her loss of independence and reliance on others to do so much for her. I hope the wealth of wisdom and caring I've seen on this site can help me be less stressed and find ways to set those boundaries everyone keeps talking about. Best wishes to all, and thanks again.

I think it is time for your mother to go into a nursing facility. I lloked after my mother for four years while she was recovering from a terrible car accident. She did not live with me, but was 5 minutes away by car. She was very negative about life, my deceased father, her ungrateful 3 children and on and on. Everything in life was done to her, not something of her own doing. It is true that she has had a very difficult life, but se also made some decisions that have caused her concern and she will not accept them.
While living in this senior residence where she had help , assisted living, she tended to refuse the help so that I would be around. I came to check up on her three times a day making sure she had something to eat, getting her to take her pills, which she would hide , spit out or flush down the toilet if I was not on top of it.
Everything was someone else's fault. I ended up with pneumonia and almost no immune system I a;so ended up with a questionable mammogram, which finally forced me to do something. When my husband and I decided to go to Europe at long last for a holiday, we took my mother to a facility with extra care, not quite a nursing home. She was there for 1 month. Because I promised to bring her home, I did so. Within a week she was in the hospital with a high fever. Once more the routine of coaxing her to eat, take her pills and live was forced on me. By month's end, my sister, who lives far away arrived and we got my mother to go back to the facility where she had been, because I was going to visit my daughter in the US and there was no one to take care of her. At no time did I consider her living with me. My home is not conducive to disabled individuals and she wouldn/t listen to me nor follow any rules. I would have been a prisoner in my own home, fearful about leaving her alone. She is not happy in the new facility and has burned her bridges with her rudeness with others and staff. I have tried to distance myself sowhat as there are people who can look after her needs. I have even removed myself from abuse and walked out to get her attention and it worked for a day.
I feel sorry for her loss of independence and fear of the unknown. She has not accepted her situation and feels I own her something. I have 2 other siblings who are far away. I feel for her, love her for what she has done for me in the past, bit do not feel that I should endure abuse at this point in my life. I am a pensioner myself and still feel that I want to live out my life with some peace.

RebeccaLynn - wowza I hear you. And from the number of responses here it looks like MANY people hear you too! In my opinion I think that it is time to start looking for another living arrangement for your mom. You would be suprized that there ARE nice places out there; I was blessed to find one for my dad (who has ALWAYS had a CHALLENGING negative attitude and now a limited physical state) which is only 5 miles away from my home. It is an AL/aging in place home that is safe, clean, friendly, very stable, affordable, small and intimate with a low staff to resident ratio (only 10 residents to 2 staff with the RN owner of the facility LIVES on site in a separate residence on the property.) He has a private room with the company of his pet cat too! It took a while to find but what a blessing. Don't assume every place is horrible - yes many are or seem that way, but there ARE gems out there too. I visit 3 times a week, and I am allowed to be his daughter again, not his mother. I can't tell you what a blessing it is. He wants nothing more than to come and live with me and my husband (who he doesn't like) so that he could give me the AL money but he doesn't understand that the money plus more would be need to be spent on assistance by helpers in my home as he cannot be alone for any longer length of time. Remember this: honor thy mother and father DOES NOT MEAN be a doormat. There are many ways of honoring them. We are responsible to MAKE SURE that they receive a good safe place to live free of abuse of any kind, quality nutritous food, medicine and medical care, positive interactions/socialization as desired, etc. If there is little to no dementia taking place, but rather lifelong personality issues, well we are NOT required to be punching bags. Sorry.

OnlyKid, my mother would dearly love to live with me, however, the needs are so great that i would have to give up my life to tend to hers. Hmm, I don't think so, however sometimes there's no choice. AL is expensive and it is definitely a challenge. You know how they have groups for mothers of toddlers/preschoolers, we need groups/communities for those caring for their parents so they can share resources. Our society has a fragmented family unit, which leaves most of us as the "only" caregivers so we need to reach out and help one another i think.

I can’t take it any longer. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my mother growing up. I was stuck in an impossible “crazy” environment with a mentally ill, sadistic woman. We have now suffered three years of living Hell due to her issues, family causing problems at every turn, with no end in site, caregiver disasters, etc., etc. on and on. One sibling disowned her, leaving all the harassment by nutcase relatives who are in denial “we don’t get Alzheimer’s in our family”, to the two of us who try our best to do the right thing at every turn with a difficult woman who can’t get along with many people. Due to her worsening condition, and health we recently moved her to a beautiful residential care facility with the best staff ever. She wants to go back home, and blames me when I come to visit. She threatens to kill herself, says terrible things to me, etc. She doesn’t spare a nasty word. Today, she pulled this in front of my son, who has anxiety issues! How much is one person supposed to take?

The answer is -- not much. I'm sorry to hear all this, and pray for all of you out there taking care of an elderly person with mental issues. It is something none of us are prepared for.

My mothers advice was, no one should have to take care of their OWN mother, if everyone who had a mother who needed care would put their names into a hat, then everyone draw a name out of the hat, {if you draw your own mother, put it back and draw another} this would be a huge help. I care for 2 ladies, 91 and 88. One has 3 daughters living and one son... No one calls or comes to visit, but I love her, and have come to understand why. That does not change the fact She does not understand.. Find someone else to care for your mom if you can. Everyone will be happier.

Does spending the night in your car in your own driveway count? Sigh...

I moved out in my early teens because my mother let her boyfriends and stepfather molest me and beat my brother. Now I have moved her mother in with me because she has been neglected in the nursing home. I have spent my entire successful adult life avoiding them now I have invited them into my home. I always knew my grandmother was an awful person but learned last night that my mother was abused and that my grandmother condoned it. I have put my self through years of therapy but, earned a new respect for my mother. No wonder my mother is crazy--She was surrounded by it growing up! I will pray for you! My mother in law says I need to pray for my mother too, it's difficult but, I am trying.

I feel for all of your venting..... to give so much and receive so much negative payback is just sad.
How about spending just a little money and install a surviellance camera with audio. Place it in an area in the home where your parent most commonly verbally rants.
Collect some footage and wait a couple of weeks. Then sit down and rather than talking a lot just do a intro and show the footage.
When you clips are over advise the parent how much you love them but this behavior isn't becoming, nor will it be tolerated any further. Share that it sounds like they are bored, unhappy, and don't know how to communicate those feelings..... so they just make everyone else feel as bad as they do....you know misery loves company. Explain you want them happy and are willing to assist them to that goal. Make it clear that change must occur.
Have some alternatives ideas. Perhaps the parent needs to develope life away from the home. Something to distract, to be involved with. Bingo, church, community center, get a hobby, or.... they need to go to adult daycare, and if all else fails live somewhere else.
Give your parent some time to thing and digest the video and your comments. Hopefully your parent will begin on their own to slowly modify their behavior. If not then revisit the subject and push ahead with action.
You can't control others but you can control yourself. How you act, your decisions, and how you allow others to treat you are things you can control. Exercise that control.

I am new to this thread but having been abused by my late husband and having takeing such shit from him if the parent is living with me and depending on me for everything-I might be prone to say change or go into a nursing home.I finally had tp place my husband and with God's provodance he died before medicaide was set up-so I was not left pennieless just with heavy debt.

I have found that detachment and distance is what I need to survive. My mother has been negative and critical all her life. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (life long) a few years ago. I had made that diagnosis myself long before. Nothing I have tried over the years has helped for long. The leopard does not change its spots. Indeed, if I had found something that worked I am sure it could be written up in medical journals, as personality disorders are notoriously to treat. Add into that a little dementia - not diagnosed but her memory is failing and paranoia is increasing (mother is 99) - and it does not sweeten the situation. She is physically very healthy and I have been struggling with health issues (some no doubt related to stress) for the past two years particularly since she has had to be moved a couple of times. She is in an ALF in another city - her choice - and expects me to be intimately involved in all her concerns - many of which are just life not going exactly as she wants it to go, or her losing things and then saying they are stolen and expecting me to contact insurance over stuff like a a blouse and a nightie that are missing. I am sure they are lost /misplaced as she has found some of them. I am 74 now myself and cannot drive the 5 hr drive to see her as I used to and am still recovering from an infection I have been on meds for about 2 years now. I have been having flashbacks from childhood traumas (our home was a war zone) and have had to distance myself. My one sib - my sister - is similar to mother and very manipulative, and does nothing to help mother but gives her a few gifts and is the "golden girl" while I am to play the cinderella role. Now I find that I am being shunned by cousins who are in contact with mother (she can be charming when she wants to be for short periods of time). My aunts and uncles knew the situation and even approached me in my teens and offered support. They are all gone now and I am grieving the loss of family, though a few cousin's spouses keep contact. Thankfully I have friends, the support of my adult children and my sig other. and people here at Aging Care. I have POA but am considering giving it up and mother uses it to create issues which are always a losing situation for me. e.g. -she asks for my help/opinion and when I offer it she criticizes whatever I say/do and goes her own way after blasting me for not being helpful and not understanding her situation. She is still capable of managing her own finances and I would like to see a younger and a non family member have POA, as I think it could be manipulated less. I do not think at my age having POA makes a lot of sense.e.g. I am looking at some surgery in the future once i am over this infection and you never know what can happen. Though she is well off financially, mother has been asking for "donations" the help her with her expenses. She lives in one of the most expensive ALF's in her city and buys expensive clothing. I worked till I was 73 to provide for myself and have no intention of supporting her in this lifestyle. The drama goes on - and I just want out of it. The next big scene will be her 100th birthday next May. I played a large role in her 90th and think that my sister can do the same for the 100th. Right now I am distanced and have cut communication to a minimum and not even sure i am going to go to the 100th. My sister's last email a few months ago blasted me for a whole bunch of things including me good relationship with my children (????) and in it she said she wanted nothing more to do with me and then recently wants contact through facebook. However that is the pattern -they are as nasty as they want to and then expect it will be forgotten and when I don't jump and ask how high on the way up when they decide they want me in the picture again, I am the difficult one, and that is spread around the family. I meed some peace.

notoriously hard -that is - to treat

Emjo and I are in similar circumstances. I am 65 and my mother is 93 and lives on her own, sort of. After some really mean spirited actions on her part last spring, I have cut a lot of contact with her and it has been a real boon to my mental health.

Now I only spend a couple of hours with my mother on Sunday when we do her grocery shopping and I write checks that she signs. Since she says the same things over and over I have learned to tune her out. Also she says things that don't make sense because of incomplete sentences or missing nouns. I don't try to understand anymore because I don't much care. I take my dog when I visit and he protects me from a lot of her abuse by distracting her. Also he is affectionate with her where I am not.

I come away from the contact much less stressed and overwhelmed. I had to learn how to do this because with her personality disorder she will devour me and start hunting a stand-in. I don't want her messing with my son and his family as they have small children and her mother has ALZ.

There is nothing that can be done for personality disorders and it's best to learn to let go. I am starting to put together a retirement life that I find fulfilling. I have to admit that I am looking forward to the time when God takes my mother for his own and I can be free of contact with her.