Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?

I've never actually labeled my mom's attitude as negative, but after reading everyone else’s comments, I realize she is. One day she's constipated, the next she has diarrhea (which my son usually winds up telling me about – ugh!), her back hurts and she needs a new mattress (of course it' s not because she's 84, has arthritis issues, sits crooked on chairs, sprawls out sideways across her bed when she wants to use it as a table even though she has a sofa in her room!). I can't get my mom to use her walker or drink water (it makes her pee too much). She “holds” on to the walls (hard to do!) when she walks, and she only wants to drink coffee all day (uh, diuretic?!?!?). She used to use the main bathroom but with her lack of mobility it's too hard to get in the tub, so now she uses our bathroom (in our bedroom) since it's a walk-in shower. I changed the shower head so she has a separate sprayer. I got her a shower seat since she's so unsteady on her feet, but she does not use it. Then she complains that she can't wash her hair because she's afraid she won’t be able to. That's when I find out she won't even use the shower seat. I ask her why not, but she says there's nothing wrong with it, she just doesn't use it and says she doesn’t know why. I have come to realize that her generation thinks it’s good not to pee, they can’t admit when they have physical limits, can’t admit when they are wrong, can’t write notes to help them remember things, can’t find out who is calling on the phone but can tell them I’m not home, and in my mom’s case – she’s so vain she won’t do the things that would help make life easier at this age. Of course there are good things about her too, it’s just hard to remember those when the others are daily occurrences. It’s been about 12 years since she moved in and it’s harder now than it ever was. I do avoid her as much as possible, otherwise every conversation turns into me telling her what to do or not to do and her getting mad at me and pouting in her room. Sometimes I lie about what we are doing so I don’t have to take her with us (my husband hates the lying) because I’d rather not deal with her getting all sensitive and making me feel guilty for leaving her out. Believe me this does not happen all the time, but if you ask her we never take her anywhere! Now with short term memory loss she never remembers when we do take her. My husband and son resent it when I talk them into taking her with us, but I make them anyway – not good! Same thing, different day. I don't have any answers, but I am relieved to hear that there are others out there with similar problems and thoughts. It helps me feel a little less guilty for not being the 'best friend' kind of daughter you hear about. LOL

Mama has lived with my husband and me for five years now (I'm also an only), and it has helped so much to find this forum for support and to physically attend a local support group when I can make the time. I try to go at least once a month because it helps tremendously. The situation doesn't change, but I feel better equipped with tools from others' ideas, and the realization that many others are in the same or a similar situation. Hearing other caregivers' stories is an encouragement if for no other reason than it helps me know I'm not alone. Hugs to all, and blessings, ~Joan

Yes, the negativity can be a real strain and drain on the family. My mother lived with my daughter, myself and my husband for awhile, but she was so terribly negative that it was turning my teen daughter also. Then I had two negative people to deal with when I got home from work, both vying for my attention, etc., It was sooo tough and i couldn't see a way out of it. I had to send daughter to therapy and myself to deal with a situation, that landed on our lap totally unexpectedly. We didn't even have time to evaluate the situation and plan or deal with a mentally ill elder. I'm so sorry for all of you and it continues to be tough, as although I found a place for my mom to live, she makes herself ill and still ends up with me. The worst part is that we don't know how long this will go on -- it can be years and year and years.

Oy! I wonder why this is so common. I am in a similar place with my mother. I hope I will not be this way when I am in my mother's position -- but who knows? I am already apologizing to my daughters in case I become like my mother as I age more. I share the frustration expressed here -- and the depression. I am grateful for this site. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Sosad2, I too am wondering how long this will on go on. I wish I could find a scientific reason for the prolonged life and the negativity that goes with it. I realize that modern medicine has fixed heart trouble and cancer so people don't die like they used to. But what I don't get is why these elders get so negative. And mean.

It's a tremendous burden to the caregiver. I used to think I was alone, but I come back to this site and find my mother over and over again in the comments of other people.

Wow, this is my mom as well. Complain, complain, complain. When I call her attention to the litany of complaints (since I'm not sure she knows or cares how it affects others), she asks me how I will feel when I am old, and that it helps "relieve" her of stress to say things out loud. I've asked her repeatedly to consider my feelings in this matter, and she accuses me of only thinking of myself. I have been working on my own creative projects and this has helped me greatly in finding comfort in my own self-worth and ability to escape into another world now and then. When I read that some of you are dealing with 97 year olds (my mom is 85), I wonder how much longer I can handle any of this. I know my mom's life is HER life, and she does have some happiness and joy in it (her great-grandchildren, for example) but I think that a life-long pattern of complaining out loud has really snowballed - and makes her more unhappy as well. Having said all this, I don't know if I will fare any better when I grow old. I hate to think of all the aches and pains and truly catastrophic things that can happen and hope that I "save" my complaining for being truly sick - not just bathroom "issues"!

I think a big part of this reason is that our mothers were not in this boat to take care of their mothers because a) people didn't live that long, b) medicine prolongs life and then the side effects of the medicine, c) our mothers lived in an era where women stayed home and were caregiviers, and typically we are working mothers, d) and i think our mothers were not prepared for this at all. One positive part is that we are aware and can plan for our own old age.

Glad to know I am not the only one that feels this way,I have been taking care of my 83 year old mother for 8 years. She has nothing good to say..She never leaves the house unless it is going to the doctor. She snoops through my room and my daughters room , calls me at work about anything and everything. It takes it toll on everyone, My mother has always been negative , just worse the older she gets.. Its sad to watch no enjoyment in life what so ever.

I'm kind of wondering if I wrote this in my sleep and just forgot!
I figure I'm on the Concorde to heaven and have atoned for all of my many sins in life. That's the bright side I keep reminding my self of (with a chuckle). :-)

RebeccaLynn, I understand whole heartedly. My mom has been ill recently, but I have taken measure to see that her medical needs are met. I think she wants the meds to work instantly and that is just not going to happen. She starts her day out complaining about aches and pains, if she pooped or not, how she hates being shut in the house...on and on. Then my father sometimes chimes in with her and then it's like we are off to the races. I live with them now, as they are not able to function that well anymore. God forbid I take sometime out of the week to even go to the store for myself. I hear about how I get out, but they don't. That is far from the truth. They go the back way to the grocery store and sometimes around the lake for a drive. However, they are not happy, b/c things are not like they use to be. I miss work sometimes b/c I have to be with them at the doctors, ER, hospital or various places. I think to myself how much more can they ask of me? When I try to put my foot down on issues, I'm told that I'm mean and "they just don't please me anymore." I'm stressed and my brothers refuse to help. One lives far away, but doesn't even bother to call. The other lives right in town, but only comes down when he needs money. I know he use to help when they were younger, but they demand peoples time often consuming the other individuals day with out a thought to it. I think Marc, just got tired of them. I have detached myself somewhat, escaping into my computer. I still cook and clean for them, take care of medical things, but I hate to say it....sometimes I just can't stand them. I'm trying to date a man right now, but it is difficult as they do not like him. I fear they will ruin the relationship. I'm bitter with just about everyone and everything these days. I never use to be like this, but their nagging has turned me into someone I don't recognize.

HAHA kk5565. and I agree with Jecca45 -- the downside to all of this is that it is just sad to see someone get no enjoyment in life whatsoever and it becomes a drudgery. I've exhausted myself over the last few years trying to get mother happy, but i think i will have to let it go. everyday is a struggle for me to enjoy life, and grab whatever joys and triumphs there is. a good cup of coffee thrills me now.

sosad2, I have gotten to the point I tuned her out, I make sure she eats, has her medicine and I watch baseball with her.. I mostly work in my yard and that keeps me sane.. I try to just keep busy when Im home, I feel her quality of life is better than most and she should be grateful

Minmenzel -- i understand being bitter, etc., -- i find it hard to do things with friends because I'm resentful that they don't have this, and it seems they can come and go as they please or something. It's like the commonality is gone ---- hope you have a relationship as it doesn't matter if they like him or not -- you have your life ahead of you

It is so eerie that we all share so many experiences. My mother's behavior is very similar to what it has been all my life, but now I have to live with it and can't move out -- it is my house. She cannot afford assisted living. So, I have started using the same techniques that I used when dealing with two teen age daughters. I got the techniques from Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster and Klien, and honed them through my two girls (who I swear had demons inhabit their bodies from 15 till 25) and through working as a substitute English teacher. The techniques work well, are non-violent, and are not disrespectful. When it all gets to be too much in spite of this I deprive her of an audience (and work off the steam coming out of my ears) by immediately leaving to walk my dogs. I hope this helps someone.

haha -- i start yardwork -- and then my mom says, why don't you ever sit down???? well,,,, you know why, haha

I use my treadmill as my excuse to get away....It helps me to release pent-up hostility and bitterness.

sosad2 ~ thanks, it's been a long time since I've heard anyone say I have a life too. I hope the relationship will continue, but I think it will fade. Last night my friend asked me to drive up and see him, I had to say no. At 44, it seems as if I need my mommy and daddy's permission. It irritates me to no end. My older brother says to ignore it, but what does he know? He doesn't live with them or worry about them. Anyways, Chris (my boyfriend), asked if I never did anything spontanious? I was a little hurt, as he knows the situation here. Then again, you can't really expect a grown man to always understand that his wants come after the parents needs and demands. I have to ask myself should they? Then, I have to ask myself what about my wants? Seems as if my whole life takes a backseat to everyone else. I guess it worked out in the end. They came home from the store and I ended up taking her to the ER. She had a bladder infection. It was just Monday, that I searched for a psychiatrist for her, before that it was taking her in for an upper and lower GI. It seems like that is all I do, even the nursing staff is getting use to me being around. I sometimes help move her (mom's a big gal), from x-ray tables and cots. Maybe I should have went into nursing instead of teaching.

So healthy boundries are something that others will not give you if they have not already. People typically need the support of a counselor to help them develop healthy boundries if they are adults and in a long time relationship that continually violates healthy boundries. If you don't learn this skill then after the parents are gone someone else will impose -- like a boyfriend.

Kivy ~ the counselor is for my mother, as she has suffered from depression and anxiety all her life. Myself, I could probably stand to pop a few xanxas these days, but I deal with my problems on my own...no drugs, no counselor. My mom needs to learn boundaries, sadly at 82, I think she will always medel. I just need to learn how to say no (which I'm working on), and not feel guilty.

Okay, Minmenzel - so I see what's happening. Yes, this relationship could be a casualty of your life situation, let's see what can be done --- I know how many times I've been to Emergency room, yes it was just last Sunday -- took mom in with severe pain -- turns out it's a kidney stone gone awry. it was a week away from home in the evening, so yes relationships can be definitely strained. And with him being new -- he doesn't have enough history with you.

PLAN FORWARD -- Spend as much time with him when you can --- try to make him understand this is part of life. I'm rooting for you....

Absolutely right, learning to say no and not feel guilty is learning to set healthy boundries. Counseling is not a bad word. I have worked for years to learn about healthy boundries since my mother never did and never will know about them or give them to me. I have to take them assertively, which is still hard for me.

kind of late seeing this, but wonder how this relationship turned out once your mother moved into the new facility. I would bet it improved and both of you have a better quality of life, trying to make such decisions myself

My three grown sons gave my mother a new job title "TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS".

yes -- go purchase your ticket now for the guilt trip!

There is a very long "Ticket Line". My 3 sons advised me to set a time, which is 7:00 pm for my guilt trip. They decided that 15 minutes is the max time for my guilt trip, then I need to do something positive for myself. It upsets them that I allow it at all, but since they know that I cannot just block her out, this was their solution. My sons are (1) Attorney (2) Professor (3) Army Officer in Medical School.

Well, then they have some good brains and common sense!

True. They remind me that my mother had "CHOICES IN LIFE" and she choose some bad ones, which is not my fault and that I should not ALLOW her guilt. She had good options to choose from. They are very caring and loving sons. My hurt becomes their hurt and they want me to stop the Guilt Trip Ride.

that's what my husband says all the time --- she had choices but made some not so good ones. It's just that I was the only girl out of four and I always felt sorry for her. My kids tell me the same thing -- she had a life so we need a life also. hmmm, and I'm learning more about boundaries

I have a brother that is 2 years older. He was my mother's pet, but he does not even call her. My 3 sons tried to tolerate her for me, but then after a few DOSES, they said "She is NOT going to change". WHY should she? It WORKS for her. My oldest son ( the Attorney) actually gave my mother the "SET OF BOUNDARIES" in writing, which he explained to her and advised her that if she VIOLATED them that I would not be able to even talk with her at the time. The boundaries are: She can call me of 7:00 PM. She can ONLY call any other time IF it is a TRUE emergency. He warned her of the "CRYING WOLF" story.
She is actually following the rules and is 95% nicer, most of the time.

Wow, and i'm sure he told her in a "nice" way, i hope