I ran into a friend the other day who was telling me about how her dad, only 78, was in a nursing home. He has dementia and is completely "gone". He has to be moved around, fed and have his diaper changed. He has no idea where he is or who his family is when they visit. It was heartbreaking to hear her recount the visits. Meanwhile, the dad's 700k house was sold in order to cover some of the expenses of the ALF. The man worked hard his whole life to be able to leave that house to his kids only for it all to be taken to keep him alive in a condition that he would be horrified by.
I was telling my 80 yo mom the story and she was very adamant that if that ever happened to her, she wants me to promise her that I will not let her live this way. Now, my mom is very blessed. She is as sharp as I've ever known and has a very rich life, even attends her Zumba classes DAILY! She has friends that she lunches with and she and my 85 yo dad, get dressed up and go out to dinner every Saturday night! I am truly, truly blessed. I cannot even imagine my mom, or my dad, who still plays his saxophone every night, in that condition like my friend's dad.
What can my parents do while they are still of sound mind/body, besides a living will (DNR) which they already have, to make sure they will not be kept alive in this state? And what can be done to ensure that their assets are not taken for these expenses? My parents are insistent that their hard-earned money goes to their families and not to keep them "artificially" and inhumanely alive.
An elders assets are not intended for inheritance purposes, but to be used to pay for care in their old age. Homes are sold and assets are liquidated precisely for that purpose.
Your parents can go see an Elder Care attorney for advice about signing over their assets now in case they need Medicaid in the future. That way, Medicaid won't come after those assets to repay their debt after death. They can then live in second rate nursing homes with roommates and shared toilets so their children can "inherit" their assets instead.
Those are the choices. Illness and crisis happen when least expected, and to folks who we least expect bad things to happen TO. A massive stroke can happen in a second and leave a person totally dependent and incontinent.
DNRs and POLSTs can be signed along with living wills. In some states death with dignity orders are valid, or MAiD, but the elder must be of sound mind to go through with the plan.
Your parents should see an Elder Care attorney to draw up their wishes.
My mother wound up living to 95 with advanced dementia. I had her in Memory Care Assisted Living, private pay, and she thankfully had the funds to pay. Otherwise, she'd have been in a nursing home and miserable. We can't just euthanize elders who get sick! You do realize that, right? I wound up with no "inheritance " so my mother could live a decent lifestyle until death.
People who work hard all their life to achieve a comfortable life in retirement, and to acquire assets, should not be saving money to give to their children upon their death. The money they have is to be used for their expenses, including quality care.
If your parents are adamant that they would rather not be kept alive at all costs, so that their money can go to their heirs, you can honor their wishes. However, have they considered what if.... they are incapacitated and need help with bathing, dressing, incontinence, but are still healthy enough to live for several years in that state? What if they suffer from Alzheimer's/Dementia and are not safe in their home? Will the family be able to take care of them in their home? Will they have enough funds to pay for in-home care as needed? Or, does the family plan to pay out of their own pockets for the parent's care, to preserve their inheritance?
People who are in nursing homes are not being kept artificially alive. They are being cared for by nurses and nurses aides, who administer medication, change diapers, bathe the patients, help them out of bed to be wheeled into the dining area for meals, even helping with feeding if needed.
You parents can make a lot of choices along the way, such as refusing treatment for a debilitating disease, or suffering with lack of care in their own home for their final years, if it is more important to them to save their money to give away. or they simply don't want to be kept alive in an incapacitated state.
It's not as simple as we all imagine this scenario to be. My husband suffered a massive stroke at the age of 53. He expected he would die young. He would never want to be living as he is now. He is bed-ridden, non-verbal, partially paralysed, can't chew and swallow solid food safely, so he's on a diet of thickened protein drinks. He should have died from the serious stroke. But, he didn't. Here he is, 11 years later, still relatively healthy, physically, but confined to bed, spending his days watching TV, with someone else to manage the remote control, because he can't even do that. It's hard seeing him like this. But what else can I do? I'm not going to kill him. That would unethical and illegal.
Mine is only one example. This happens all the time. People live for 10 years or longer with dementia or physical limitations. I suppose you could leave a bottle of sleeping pills by your parent's side, if they choose to try and bring an end to their suffering. I don't really know a good answer for this dilemma. I agree, we focus on keeping people alive far longer than they should be. But, sometimes, they just live a long time, even with horrible disease.
I hope your parents continue to do well! It sounds like they are in great shape at their age, and enjoying their best life!
Regarding protecting assets, and this idea that elders get their homes and saving “taken”. Yes there are taxpayer funded safety nets in place, but sorry to break it to you when you can pay for your own care you’re expected to. And frankly in that case you’re lucky to be able to pay your own money for better care.
It's quite another to suggest looking for suggestions for a "way out" to preserve an inheritance. Or to "save" a house.
And really, why shouldn't assets be used for care? Why is it considered "wasteful" to use someone's hard earned money to care for them in their old age? And at what age, then, should someone consider biting the bullet - literally - in order to keep an inheritance "intact"?
I personally find this question extremely disturbing and offensive. I would hope my kids see me as more than the sum value of anything I may leave behind for them.
Please note, even if one's parents are very healthy and active, all it takes is one illness or major fall to change everything. I saw that with my own parents, who in their 90's still lived in at their home. Then one day my Mom had a serious fall which accelerated her very mild dementia to late stage, and she could no long stand/walk.
I never resented the fact that Dad was paying $12k per month for my Mom to live in a nursing home (her injury was too serious for Assisted Living or Memory Care). Mom was being cared for by professionals, as for her care it took two people to help her. Not once did I ever think "hey, that's my inheritance being used".
Later, after my Mom passed, my Dad sold their house, and he moved to senior living which was $5k per month. He had a nice apartment, weekly housekeeping, and meals in a dining room restaurant style. He loved it there. He used the equity in the sale of their house to pay for his apartment. Then he moved to Memory Care, which costed him more, but he was happy, and that was most important. I was so glad that my parents had saved for a "rainy day". And that I, nor my friends/neighbors had to pay for my parents care.
In the mean time , a person’s hard earned money is there to get them the best care possible . That is what retirement money is for , to pay for everything in old age . Sometimes that includes selling their home to pay for assisted living , memory care or a nursing home .
The government is not taking homes away . People sell homes to pay for their care , or Medicaid puts a lien on the home to cover care costs . No one should count on inheritance.
As already said . I also find this post disturbing that you would try to figure out how to end a life to preserve inheritance.
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