I cannot be there to take care of her. I've told her this. I live in another state. She's in serious denial of her mobility. She has other family close by, but they, too, are busy with their lives. I know they're going to be all over me to come help when she's out. I don't know what to do with my aunt. She's denying at home care, and assisted living, and denying she has dementia. She cannot be home alone. I know I may have posted this a thousand times, but I honestly do not know what to do with her. We're all at ease with her in rehab, but when she comes out, then what? Friends are telling me to move in to help her. No way! I work, live far, and even if I were willing, feisty, stubborn aunt doesn't want help except to clean her house. What happens next?
But mostly: This is their problem to solve, and worst case scenario you get the state to step in and be guardian if they will not (we had to do that with my father and they put him in a nursing home. They actually did a good job. But I wish he had died on his own terms but we would be accused of neglect if we didn't help him).
As an aside: I do think our anxiety about our elders is more about us than them. They tell us what they want. Many would rather crawl to the fridge and die from a fall at home than be sent to a home or have to have "strangers' in to care for them. I happen to be one of them. I plan to have a "final exit" in place so no one has to waste their life taking care of me when I am no longer independent.
After my 8 long years with my mother...I am starting to think we really need to rethink how we treat "recalcitrant" elders.
If I had to do anything over again it would be...rethinking the anxiety and time and effort and money I spent to keep my mom alive a few years longer just so she could eventually be relegated to (expensive) care anyway where she no longer can do anything on her own.
I am starting to think we don't do our elders any favors by trying to keep them safe. Safe for what? So they can live longer to become more helpless and dependent and depressed away from everything they know?
Every time I see posts about keeping an elder "safe" and they can't be alone...I was there once, but now based on everything I have seen with my mother and the rest of the elders the medical profession insists on propping up until they become living, suffering statues...it is not a blessing to live longer.
I do think in another, earlier time without all the meds we have to keep people going, people died much more on their own terms.
In any case--just say no and let her family deal. And stop talking about it with your friends. They don't get it. No one does until they have been through it.
Do not give up your job because if you do, you will not be able to pay your own bills. You are not this woman's insurance.
There are psychological reasons, if not life-long self-esteem issues, family triggers, if not emotional abuse. Whatever the 'it' is - the niece needs to step away - yesterday.
Unfortunately, sometimes, when an elder is uncooperative, the best and only thing you can do is step away and let social services take over.
We had an elderly lady in our community who wanted to say at home, at all costs. We supported her. She came home from rehab. I stayed the first night make sure that both first and second shift aides showed up. Amazingly, they did.
She stayed at home with 24/7 aides (available in NYc) with the help of our synagogue community (mostly helped by her friend who married my ex). It was a labor of love for someone we all cared about; she was grateful beyond anything.
She had stepchildren who were greedy and of no assistance.
My point is that THIS lady had her wits about her and was grateful for the assistance she received (not in a monetary way). She cooperated when she needed to be in rehab.
Your aunt has dementia and sounds high-handed and entitled. That's a whole different ballgame, in my book.
Step, back and let social services help her.
It is no longer about what she wants, it is about what she needs.
Friends have no clue, don't worry about what they have to say.
Stick to your guns, Sending support your way.
Unlike me, very long winded.
Your situation sounds similar to mine except it is my dad. He is in the hospital right now but will need 24/7 care when he leaves. Long story short, he needs a nursing facility because he has many health issues. But his side of the family, including him, really think that I should be able to it all. I'm not a nurse , dietitian or a physical therapist. He needs all three daily. He refuses to accept the fact that he can not live alone and refuses the idea of a facility even after a doctor telling him recently that if he did get any better/stronger that would be the next step. I work ( new job) and I'm not able. Even if I were not working, I'm not physically or mentally able . I have done all that I could for him since my mom has been gone and that has been over 20 years. Before he went in the hospital, I was doing all the cleaning, grocery shopping, taking to doctors appointments and etc. Basically I'm burned out now. My advice for you is not to take this on! People might talk but let them. I recently came to a realization that I have done all I can. You can not run yourself down.. trust me, it is no fun.
You need to call the discharge department at the Rehab and tell them that No One is coming to care for her after rehab; that she will be returning to an empty home
They will be making an "unsafe discharge"--use those words.
Tell the rest of the family to stop enabling her. Social services will step in and place her
For all you know, aunt could be telling everybody at the rehab that good ol’ Tiredniece will be taking care of her at home, and there could still be paperwork floating around listing Tiredniece as POA.
Stop talking about this situation. Your answer has been and still is NO! Remember its a one word sentence. This woman is not ur responsibility no matter what she or other people think. You are not an option or a solution. Its very simple, this woman has no family willing on taking the responsibility of caring for her. So, then a state guardian takes over her care. Your a niece. A niece that occasionally visits because you have empathy for her but that does not oblige you to care for her. Even if u were still a POA, that does not mean you do the care.
You can't be wishy washy here. You have to stand firm. If you have not taken my suggestion yet, you need to. You need to call the SW and make sure Aunt has not made you part of the discharge plan. If she has you make it perfectly clear that you aren't. I think being 5hrs away is a good excuse on its own. Next excuse, there is family lots closer. Next excuse, you refuse to give up ur job and future to care for this Aunt. Then the SW will just have to find other options.
Stand firm.
I believe (?) the aunt cannot make this niece a part of the discharge plan without the niece's consent. Even if she is listed, (the niece) she needs to be clear with the rehab facility to take niece's name off the paperwork for anything.
It sounds to me like this niece of emotionally / psychologically very wounded / vulnerable to - thus far - not make clearly needed decisions. She seems to have been a scape goat for the family living close by. And that can only happen with a willing participant.
Still, we don't know all the family history.
Still, the niece needs to dis-engage yesterday.
The niece needs to realize that:
Yes: she will feel really bad stepping aside / standing up for herself.
(She is not used to doing this so new behavior is always hard.)
She needs to build up her own sense of self / self-esteem - and as needed get into therapy to learn how to do this.
And, yes. It can be (is ?) a life long process to reverse wounded emotional history. The point / key is starting and taking one day at a day.
After she IS home, whatEVER they provide, YOU supply only her phone number and address to Adult Protective Services for wellness check, or police or sheriff office. You do NOT go to where she is.
If you DO go there, then that is your choice and your responsibility.
You ask what happens next? That is entirely up to your aunt and her caregivers. Just see to it you are not included in the latter. Unless, of course, you choose to be.