Plz offer any advice.

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I was very surprised at how much my mother blossomed (after an adjustment period) in a care facility. She had mobility problems and dementia. She loved eating lunch with a few ladies. She loved having men around. She went to all activities (to our utter amazement.) She loved going to the beauty parlor without leaving the building! She enjoyed the live entertainment they brought in frequently. It was a very good move for her, and we probably should have done it earlier. From the description in your profile, your mother's personality is a lot more demanding than my mother's ever was, so this might not be applicable in your case. I just want to point out that moving into a facility is sometimes a great change for the patient.

Is you mother still considered competent to make her own decisions? If so, you may not be able to move her into a facility against her will.

But you are also competent to make your own decisions. It sounds like this is time to decide you need to back off the level of help you provide. You cannot jump every time she tells you to. You need to spend more time with your husband. She thinks she is living independently, bless her, but that is a complete myth. She is depending heavily on you. That would become more apparent if you withdraw some of your support. (Maybe not apparent to her -- her brain is broken -- but apparent to social services, her doctor, etc.)

Obviously you are not going to abandon her. But you can let her face the consequences of her own decisions. "Mom, I'm not going to be able to do X for you anymore. But I will help you hire a service that does X." If she decides she won't let anyone but you help her with X, you don't have to change your decision. "Well I wish you the best Mom. Let me know if you change your mind and want my help in finding a good service." You can keep an eye on how she is doing, and possibly intervene (for example, by contacting an appropriate agency) if the situation becomes dangerous.

Without becoming her guardian you may not be able to determine where Mom lives. But you certainly can (and should) determine your role in her care.
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Dexieboy Oct 2018
Thank you. Good points of view on all levels.
People can only abuse you if you let them, right? Agreed?

The time has come for you to stop allowing your mom to abuse and use temper tantrums to control you. I understand you made “ The Noble Promise” to her and to yourself to wait until it was absolutely necessary to put Mom in a facility. Well, it's necessary. If we could speak with your husband, he may say he’s getting to the point he’s going to tell you it’s her or him.

Mom has dementia? Yes? Then don’t spend hour upon hour convincing her she needs to be in a facility. Her broken brain will not understand anything beyond she’s being abandoned. And she will react accordingly. It will take lots of determination on your part to put this into effect. Enlist the help of your brother. Have him get a cheap plane ticket, take some days off from work and come to help you.

No one will tell you this is going to be easy. It will be heart-breaking and difficult. But, not impossible. And, you will come to realize that you did the right thing for her...and you.
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