My 85 yr old mom lives alone in a small apartment. Over the past several years she does nothing but sit on the sofa watching TV. She refuses to make friends or socialize. I have noticed in the past years her hygiene is not good- not bathing, hair unwashed. She gets weaker by the day because she does not walk much or do anything at all, so it’s even hard for her to use her walker. She is extremely manipulative and stubborn. She fell the other night (we have a Life Alert system for her to wear around her neck, but she won’t wear it) and was on the floor until her grandson found her the next day. She had been there for over 12 hours. She crawled to the door and opened it for him, but did not try to reach the Life Alert because she said she just wanted to lay there and die. She has refused to let us come over for weeks and has cancelled dates with me, my brother and her 3 grandsons for various reasons. When she was found, she had 4 bags of garbage on the kitchen floor crawling with maggots and flies everywhere. She told my som not to tell anyone. I will spare you all the disgusting details, but the apartment was so filthy that the health department or social services would have condemned it as unhealthy and toxic.
She is currently in the hospital for evaluation and seems fine. When she said “you have no idea what I’ve been through”, I confronted her with the condition of her apartment and asked her how she could live like that??? She was always a clean person and kept a tidy house. We have tried for two years to get her to agree to a weekly cleaning service and she refuses, saying her place never gets very dirty. Every dish, every utensil was covered in dried food and piled all over the kitchen. She said that it was a little messy and it wasn’t a big deal.
She has lies to all of the doctors and nurse and because of Covid no one can go into the hospital to speak with her doctors. I have tried calling but each time I get a different nurse and never a doctor.
I don’t think that she can continue to live on her own. For the sake of my sanity and my marriage she cannot live with us.
She has no money and we cannot afford to pay for her care. She is 85 but in the shape of someone 100 and has the mental capacity and judgment of a toddler. She does not seem to have dementia and I do have a medical power of attorney and I am the agent.
She will hate me if I decide she needs to live in an assisted care environment, but she won’t do anything I say or suggest and expects everyone around her to deal with her bad choices. I am 65 and cannot physically or mentally deal with her manipulative ways (lying) and lack of thought to her actions or inactions any longer.
She has not made good life choices her entire life and I refuse to let her drag me down with her.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I am usually a take charge problem-solving, proactive person but I am just at my wits’ end this time.