I'm considering this now.. I may start looking for a place for my mom even tho we get along great until my sister shows up. My sister is narcissistic and abusive.. Just the thought of having to deal with her AT ALL is enough to get me angry now. I am thinking of placing mom just so I don't have to deal with my sister anymore. I know that makes me an awful human being.. But I can't stand it. I don't want her dictating when she'll visit as tho she has the right to tell me how it'll be around here when she does NOTHING; I don't want any more threats; I don't want to hear about trips she goes on while I can never leave the house because no one has "time" to take off. She can't help with mom because "she works." (So do I!! with an hour longer commute--and she lives 10 minutes away). She can't help because "she has to be on the computer when she works at home." Gosh, SO do I!!! She can't help because, "my mom has a tv in her room." I bet $1,000,000 my sister ALSO has a TV in her house!!! She did say two years ago when I took mom in that she'd watch her once a week! It's two years later now. . I used to be able to put up with BS for the sake of family "harmony" but it's not worth it because I realize this is NOT A FAMILY!! I'm turning into someone I don't like because I cannot take it anymore. She's turned her kids against me with lies. She deletes texts I send so I can't prove what I've said re mom.. . . she makes plans with mom when WE ALREADY HAVE PLANS, including Dr. appointments. My mom doesn't say a word because "she's her daughter, too." (Nothing new there.) I'm tired of trying to be a saint and rise above it and suck it up. The latest is my mother was exposed to COVID--my sister had her over for a couple hours (whipeeee!!) for a party I wasn't invited to and the next day one of the people had COVID. My sister didn't tell me and my mom had a lot of contact with that person (and almost died once from COVID already). I only found out because I overheard my mom talking on the phone days later. I think that's something I should know in order to watch my mom more carefully and myself, too. I texted my sister that and of course I was ignored because she owes no one anything, especially cooperation. I don't care if I'm absolutely bat-$*@) crazy, I can't take this. I don't know how anymore.
If I put my mom (who has only very mild cognitive problems at 90) in a nursing home she will waste away and be miserable. Her care will go down so much because I wait on her hand and foot and all the ones around here are awful. But this is killing me and turning me into a maniac. Therapy hasn't helped. My doc says to treat my sister like the weather--you can't do anything about it and soon it will pass.. Right. Come look at her smug face. I will die wanting NOTHING to do with her and will not regret it. This has only exacerbated awful behaviors because she's not in control of everything. She's nosy, she snoops, she's never wrong. My mom even once said, she "expected more" from me because I'm the "GOOD" daughter. Ha!. G-U-I-L-T.
I am between a rock and a hard place. My mom has always been a best friend and I feel I would be betraying her, I love her so much that when she passes I don't know what I'll do. (My sister says I'm co-dependent because love is a foreign concept to her and of course I'm nuts.) HOW can I cope? I wish I could because she'd still be controlling me if I let her affect my decisions re mom's care. Either way I lose. My husband killed himself and I feel responsible because I wasn't nicer, didn't see he was struggling, didn't do whatever I could do to save him, I can't imagine placing my mom. In a way, I want/need to save HER because I couldn't save HIM. I know maybe you can't understand this because it's a suicide guilt thing.. I'd also miss mom and value our remaining time together. In my grief she gives me purpose. I'm lost and don't know what to do.
hug!!
i understand you: the frustration, anger, injustice. overwhelmed with stress, while you continue to deal with urgent problems, and your mean sister, too.
i feel like you too (minus the facility thing). i rage (in my mind) against my awful brothers. (i’ve also expressed it to them).
i don’t know the answer (neither to your problem; nor to mine).
it helps to read the forum, write, feel understood. HUG.
i wish us to be liberated from our mean siblings, mean people in general.
Your house your rules. If you have times that its not convenient for Sis to visit, then she doesn't. Mornings with my Mom were hectic. If Sis wants to take Mom out or to her house OK. But, call before coming over. You have POA and what Sis wants does not mean a thing.
Look up the Grey Rock technic. See if you can use it in any way to deal with sister. To tell you the truth, I may just move away. Find that nice place for Mom and move near her. Or take you and Mom and move. Even an half hour away would make it hard for Sister to visit. When Mom passes, I wouldn't even want to live near your sister. You can put ur house up for sale without a sign in the front. Sis won't even know.
Waiting hand and foot on people is not something we (I work for a reablement service) recommend, because it infantilizes and objectifies them and undermines their sense of autonomy. Are you providing this level of care - to a lady who sounds a perfect treasure, by the way - in compensation, do you think?
It looks to the outsider as though perspectives have got a bit distorted for you. Your sister originally promised that she would share the caregiving. She never did and she still hasn't, and that basic fault line in the situation has widened and got jagged and now here you are absolutely hating her and unable to bear the thought of further contact.
But, just for an example of how this has got distorted: you say she deletes texts so you can't prove what you sent. Well, yeah you can - she can't delete the original off your phone, and it's date stamped. Your sent messages are just as good in evidence, if any evidence is ever really needed. Only this won't be about words, it'll be about meaning and interpretation and motives attributed; and at the same time it does seem that your sister can't do right for doing wrong. She talks about your mother's care, she's telling you what to do. She talks about something else, she's rubbing your nose in your lack of freedom. She doesn't contribute, she's MIA; she does contribute, she's irresponsible and refusing to communicate. It's all horribly toxic and you need to get rid of it.
The other key point you raise is that your mother describes the sister you can't bear (I don't blame you, just for the avoidance of doubt) as "her daughter too." And so she is, and your mother is showing some courage in standing up for that in opposition to you.
Place your mother, and use the time you save from 1:1 caregiving to contribute to improving her new community. Have you ever actually discussed the possibility with her?
And as I said before, I never ever asked my mother to not see my sister or tried to turn her against her. All I am saying is, it is apparently okay with my mom if my sister treats me like crap, but when I try to lay down some guidelines or set borders the way everyone tells me to do and that I need, I am the bad person because my sister gets upset that someone is challenging her. She wants to come and go in my house 24/7, without any warning, without my knowledge, and it's not happening.
I haven't gone back and checked my messages; I did tell her that I sent her a text the last time she made plans with my mom saying she had two doctor appointments and she said she doesn't read my texts, she deletes them and I probably never sent one.
And yes, we talked about mom moving to a NH yesterday. We are going to continue the discussion this week. Thank you.
Don't expect your sister to keep her word about helping with mom and the plans that were made. She isn't going to do it and it's not worth you getting upset over it because you're the one who actually does the caregiving.
You don't have to go along with your sister's crap and demands or anyone else's.
Your sister is not controlling you and never was. If you've decided to let her live inside your head so you can be a martyr, that's on you not her. She sounds like an a$$hole but believe me she is not in control of you. You are in control of yourself.
It's not your fault about your husband. There's nothing you could have done. Are you familar with the term 'showtiming'? It's when an elder who has dementia can seem like they've really got it together? Sometimes they can even fool people like their doctors and the police. People who are struggling and then end their lives can be showtime and fool the people closest to them too. I did. Anyone who saw me would never have thought such a thing. I was young, beautiful, working all kinds of hours and living life. I had it all planned out though. A phone call to a suicide prevention hotline is what saved me. I saw an ad on tv with the number and called it. I talked to this person for over three hours and this stranger saved my life. They also helped me get connected with therapy services.
Would you consider trying bereavement counseling. There are support groups for people who lose their spouses to suicide. Their experiences might be able to help you too.
As for your sister, you email her a schedule of when she can visit mother at your convenience. This is done on your time, not hers. You don't have to look at your sister's smug face. In fact, you don't even have to let her in your house. When she wants to pick mother up, have mom sitting in a chair on the front porch. DOn't take her calls either. She can email or text you about visiting.
If she starts getting smug shut her down. Shut your mother down too if she starts up.
Now it's time for you to behave like a medieval king. YOU have absolute power over your house, who calls, and who visits. YOU are in charge 100% of the caregiving. If your sister or mom has a problem with it, both of them can live together and you will gladly step aside.
All I was truly doing was trying to help my mom, follow the CDC guidelines and be a good person. But truly, my sister has hated me her whole life and it will never ever change. About three years ago when she tried to take money from me right after my husband died was the final straw.
I know you are right that I am in control. But is very difficult to stay in control when you are bullied and no one backs you up. I don't even know what's true anymore I've been gaslighted for so long. No one dares talk to my sister and incur the wrath of God she'll rain down on them. So I appreciate this site, although some get it and of course, some don't and some think it's all such a simple thing. It's not. When you're raised with guilt, when you're raised to be selfless, when you have the guilt that naturally comes with a suicide, it's hard to escape that but I am trying. It's true when you set boundaries and stop being a doormat, no one likes it at all. It's much easier for them to wipe their shoes on you. I honestly thought a family would be there for you. I never expected anything but a call now and then, "hey, how's it going?" "You must need a break; when can we give you one, make some plans for yourself." Instead I get, "We'll see what senior services has to say about me not getting my way." "I want to take mom for an hour or two or whatever I decide NOW. It's not my fault you can't make plans at the last minute" and my favorite, "we know you like to play the victim." I guess calling out unreasonable behavior must make you a victim. I never knew that. Victim, my butt.
Thank you for your answer. You always help me. I am once again feeling more in charge.
I (and others) see more than one problem here. We are concerned about YOU, and that is why we are encouraging you to consider placing your mother in a NH. So what if the nearest "so-so" one is an hour away? What are you going to do as your mother needs more and more care? Even though you wait on her hand and foot now (your own words), she could need even more care. Are you really okay with that?
Seems like your only real desire is to keep your sister away and out of the picture.
Everyone has their breaking point, as someone so wisely said in another thread. Yours only seems to involve your sister.
Don't be mad. Your mother's care is too much for one person to handle. Yes, you are doing a great job and no, no one else will do this job as well as you.
Do schools and day cares do as good a job as a well-trained home tutor? No, but there is the additional benefit of socialization and more eyes on the situation.
In a NH, mom will find someone to chat with, whether it's staff or resident. She won't be subject to your exhaustion and anger. She'll have better medical oversight and she won't need to get dragged out for doctor appointments.
If her roommate is loud, you'll complain to the director AND you will request headphones for the resident with the loud TV. And noise cancelling ones for your mom. You get to become her advocate, not her drudge.
And you'll NEVER need to see or talk to your sister again.
If your Mom "only has mild cognitive problems" then she's legally the only one who gets to decide if she goes into care facility or not. If she's living in your home, that is her legal residence and the only other way to remove her (against her will) is to evict her.
Sounds like she would qualify for AL with some added services...who's going to pay for this? Not any of her children, I hope -- because it is financially unsustainable.
If your sister is PoA for your Mom, and she doesn't agree to move her to a facility, then you still have the power to limit your caregiving role. Tell your sister you're done providing 24/7 care in your home but you'd consider a different arrangement, like you go to your sister's home to care for her (and no evenings or weekends). Yes, you'd be going to your sister's house every day but this way you're the one with the power to come and go when you need to.
Or, can your Mom afford to pay for Adult Day Care so that you can have a break? Or pay for another aid on the weekends and at night?
I'm very sorry about the tragedy and struggles you've experienced. However... your inner struggles are not your Mom's (or sister's) problem. You need to find boundaries so that your life has more margins and you can heal and move forward.
Eventually your Mom will pass (as does everyone on earth). Finding other purpose in your life should begin now so that you don't sufferr a complete breakdown when that inevitable day comes. I'm sure your Mom doesn't relish the thought of having that much effect on you. It is unhealthy. In my personal experience, a good reputable facility has much more social opportunities to offer. It is a much richer daily environment. My MIL is in such a place (and she's even on Medicaid). Your Mom may not want to transition into a facility because maybe she only has bad memories of nursing homes. Take her to visit some nice ones that she can afford to show her how things have changed.
I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you clear out your margins.
Why?
Your husband didn't kill himself because you weren't "nicer" to him. Severe depression leads folks to suicide and us outsiders without training can't always see the warning signs. So give yourself a break there.
You are falsely equating 2 very different situations.
Get mom into care. Then you can control how much exposure you have to her and to your sister.
Very well-worded! jeanelf, do you think this is what is happening? I skimmed your past posts to get a better idea of your situation. Time to move mama out! She's been with you now, what, 2+ years? And before that you lived with your parents (sleeping on a couch) to take care of your father before he died?
You mention siblingS. How many others are there? You also state that none of them do anything to help with your mother. Well, remember that she raised these siblings, and she seems to want to stick up for them, right? She's okay with making YOU do all the work. Why is that? You've always been the scapegoat, right?
You also wrote that finances are tight (fixed income). Is your mother contributing in ANY way to household costs? Are you being paid to be her caregiver? (If not, then why not?)
How would the finances work if your mother were to be placed in a facility? You said that AL won't accept her colostomy bag. Would it be a NH then? Can she self-pay, or would she have to become Medicaid-eligible?
We can help you brainstorm to make that happen, if you want. But first, are you really going to ever do it? So many on this forum never take the steps to truly change their situations. But a few do, and it's wonderful to read how much better they then feel about their lives.
I hope you become one of the ones who really change their lives for the better. We'll be cheering you on!
I have 2 siblings. They do nothing because they don't appreciate that I have set boundaries and why would they do it when I always have. You're right, I AM the scapegoat. Everything's always my fault even when of course it isn't. My sister stole clothing from me when she lived with me after college. She told me that was MY fault, because I should have just said yes to everything she wanted and she wouldn't have had to steal. She what I'm dealing with?
My mother pays for 1/2 of the groceries and all of her own sundries. There is not enough $$$ left for her to pay ME, then she wouldn't have enough to pay for her meds and her caregiver. She does pay for a caregiver when I have to go to the office 3 days a week. A caregiver comes for 4 hours each day to get her out of bed/dressed and give her breakfast and lunch.
Yes, I'm hoping to eventually make this happen. It would happen now if there were a decent NH around here, but there really truly is not. My father was in one the last year of his life and my mom's been back around them since for rehab and they've all been really miserable. I wouldn't put anyone I loved or hated in them. The nice one is self-pay and I and she cannot pay. The one that is so-so and is associated with her AL place told me now that they only place people there from AL. I told them that when they evaluated her and we made the decision to bring her to my house because they said they would not do the colostomy, they told me i had a relationship with them and she could go there if this didn't work out. Now they have completely done a 180 on that.
Sit down with mom and tell her everything. Tell her you cannot continue allowing sister in your home and you do want anything to do with sister. That interactions with sister are literally killing you mentally.
Then give mom a choice. Either no more contact with sister or she will have to be placed so she can have contact with whomever she wants.
Yes it sounds harsh but you are just as important as your mother. I won't lie this won't be easy for you but based on your post I don't think you have a choice at this point. It's time you felt like you matter too. And I am sorry about your husband I know you know this but his suicide was not your fault.
I get wanting to save mom because you couldn't save your husband but why not flip the script here and save yourself because you couldn't save him? It would honor your husband more to have you put you first than mom.
Thank you all for your comments. I know it all sounds crazy, because it is.